What I’ve Been Spending Most of
My Time Thinking About Recently:
I think that for some time I’ve been living under the assumption that somehow I’m stuck in the wrong life. This isn’t the way that it’s supposed to be. I was supposed to grow up in a zany family, filled with exciting people. I was supposed to have a childhood of outrageous experiences and that was supposed to turn into an adulthood of breathtaking adventures. What happened? How did I get stuck with such a normal average blandly happy American family? How can I just go along and observe and feel uncomfortable, unable to act? I’m not supposed to have an eye disease that keeps me away from what I want. I’m not supposed to be afraid of going out and meeting people and being outrageous because I might not be able to see. I’m supposed to be outrageous. I’m supposed to be someone who wants to be famous, wants to be exceptional, and so goes out and does it. Not waiting out of fear. Doing. Every second of every day. And I was supposed to have been brought up in an environment that turned me into an entertainer. Made me feel comfortable being the center of attention. Never doubting my own creativity, my own worth. Feeling the knowledge that when I write, when I sing, when I talk, when I paint – that I am expressing just what I want to express, and that it’s going to be taken exactly the way I want it to be taken.
And I keep feeling like I’m
going to get another chance. Like this
life is only temporary and I’m just waiting it out so I can get back to my real
life, the one that I’m supposed to be in.
But the trouble is – that’s
wrong!! I’m not going to get another
chance. I’m not going to suddenly wake
up and be someone else. This is the
ONLY life that I am living and it’s the only life that I will ever get to live
for as long as I can conceptualize.
This stream of consciousness that’s thinking this as I write it will
continue indefinitely. I will continue
to exist as these thoughts that I call me until they stop – which is something
that is fundamentally impossible for me to imagine because it would be
impossible for me to be aware of.
But that’s the good news
too. I have always existed, as far as
anything has existed to me. Therefore I
can only assume that I will continue to exist forever because I can never truly
conceive of the possibility of otherwise except as an abstract concept – words
with no experience to evoke. Sure it
might not be true, but it’s impossible for me to believe otherwise – and
should I attempt to do the impossible?
And if I can expect my
consciousness to go on forever, then it’s up to me to become what I want
to be. Not wish I already am it, but to
accept what I am and build on that.
This is how my erroneous belief hinders me – by keeping me from
accepting who I am and beginning to change.
It’s also an excuse, allowing me
to justify not facing the responsibility for who I have been so far, who I have
become, and who I am on my way to being.
It lets me hide from the insurmountable-seeming task of beginning again
the journey that occurs right on the edge of the present moment. Being who you are and feeling yourself
change. It lets me refuse my
responsibility as captain of this vessel.
And don’t we all want to assume
that, despite what we may fear – there is someone out there who’s
keeping us on course. There really is a
driver at the front of this speeding train.
But if I’m not doing the steering, who is? If I just go on and let myself be passively shaped by my past and
by the world around me, like I did as a child, how can I be in control? How can I assume that there is someone else
out there who is more interested in my own well being than myself? What nonsense!! The very definition of ego, of self, is that I am my self, and only
my self. I know my self better than any
Other could possibly know me.
So this is my task. And that of everyone around me. To get back in the drivers seat. Back in control. To take responsibility for myself, and accept that I am the only
one who can. Then the only question
is… will I…?
