Bad Poetry by me
I know none of this is exactly Robert Frost or Shakespeare, some of it is good and some of it is bad and some of it is terrible, but if you're going to read some read it all, cause I don't like to be judged on just one thing I wrote, heh. A lot of this stuff is still completely unedited rough draft type stuff, so be gentle in your criticism, I'm opening up my heart to you, heh. Anyway, enjoy.
4/27/04 -- I wrote this one for creative writing but never polished it so it didn't go with the other ones down below. Besides, all the new ones are going up here apart from rough drafts of ones already on here ;) This was a poem we were supposed to do about a photograph. Mine was about a strip of those pictures you take in photo booths... these were taken of me and Jim in the summer of '96 on the beach.
"The Beach"
You were the man of my dreams
But at sixteen
I had no way of knowing
The way you held me then
To everyone else there was no doubt in the world
You and I were made for each other
But I was blind
And from time to time I can look back and see
The way that you held me tenderly
The longing look in your eyes that said
You would always be mine
And my eyes only said that I was
Too young to be bothered with true love and marriage
They were already cold, already saying goodbye
I hid behind you, trying not to show
How young and foolish and self-centered I could be
It was mostly you giving it all
I was just on the sie, and I'd give you what I could
Every now and then
But the way that you held me spelled love
And the way that I held you just said
You were a wonderful high school sweetheart
You could have been so much more
But I was too young to know it then.
4/27/04 -- I had this in a notebook. It was folded up and unfolded so it suggests I was going to give it to someone but I didn't. I don't remember who it was about.
Every time I see you, my heart stands still
And since it is my heart that calls, "Wait!"
My voice stands still as well
And you just walk away
And you just disappear
The blazing fire in my heart and hot flash of lightning
Pass quickly, but you're already gone.
Will you enter my life again?
If I pretend not to wish, will you look my way?
If I look to love in another
Will you hold me? Will you finally stay?
Or are you gone now, forever
The glimpse just a painful reminder
Of a love I once had and never will again?
My heart restlessly awaits your return
My body lacks sleep every night
While my eyes frantically scan the crowd
Pretending you're not there so you will be
And my mind waits in agonizing forced peace
For your Grand Entrance into my life
4/27/04 - This one was in another notebook. I think this one was about Bobby (the football player I dated in college. You'd think I'd have learned!)
Why is it that whenever I make a vow
To pretend not to care, to forget you somehow
Your flirtatious smile drives my heart back home
Like an unerring compass, a barricade dome
You keep me from straying too far from your arms
When my heart falters, yours sounds the alarms
And I can't find it in me to tear it away
You've got perfect timing, so you make me stay
But I am so tired of being alone
In my empty house, baited breath for the phone
Why do you carry my heart on a string?
Like a marionette puppet, your kiss makes it sing
But always I am aware of the chance
That you'll let the string break and it will no longer dance
So I'm forever trying to pull it away
Knowing it's likely you'll leave me one day
Please flee to my arms and don't let me go
If you want me to stay, you must let me know
I'm not going to last long drifting at your arm's length
As much as I want to, I don't have the strength.
4/27/04 -- I don't remember why I wrote this one, but it was in the same notebook as the last, a few pages later.
My love is like
The wind through the trees
Forceful and frightening
Soft as a breeze
Biting your skin
Or cooling it from the sun
Such is my love.
4/27/04 -- I wrote this one in study hall in high school. I don't remember who it was about.
The light tinkling of money
Loud in my ear
Rudely awakens me from my reverie
I try again to set myself to work
Writing theses and identifying hyperboles
But with each second that the clock's faithful, steady second hand beats out,
My thoughts drift back to you.
To your kiss,
Your embrace
Your voice in my ear
the words on the page become the words of your poems
The voices of others melt and meld
Forming one not unlike an angel's,
Not unlike yours.
I want to devour you with my love
Cover you in kisses
Letting my lips kiss you like a soft tear
I want to clasp you in my arms
So tightly that nothing could break you free
I want to lay by your side
Stare into your eyes,
And know that we will always belong to one another.
And then
The clock hammers it last seconds like a gavel, and with its last,
Sentences me to reality
As it brings about
The urgent voice of the bell.
4/27/04 -- I don't remember when ir why I wrote this. It's on a loose shet of paper, by itself.
He's cute...
I wonder what his name is.
Would I like to go out Friday?
WOULD I!
I love you!
He's been my best friend since we met
He's funny, smart, sensitive, dependable
And why did I never notice how gorgeous he is?
He's taking my hand!
Would I like to go out Friday?
Be still my heart!
I could really fall in love with him!
The superficial fades with time
And nothing can be built with
Someone who would treat you badly
Love will find you if you let it come
In the oddest places
In the person you never thought you'd love
4/27/04 -- This one was on the same page with the poem I have down towards the bottom called "Three Words" but for some reason I never put this one in here. I know this one was meant to be a song. I can even remember the tune. :) But it still sucks :/
In my dreams you
Touched my hand and
In the waking world I fell, I knew
I leaned in close to brush your lips
You didn't turn your head
You returned my kiss
And you kissed me again
And again and again
And you took me by my hand and said
"Let's go, I need you, now or never
There's no turning back; are you with me now?"
And I knew that I forever was
I took it to be what my heart needed me to do
So I touched your hand, I brushed your lips
I felt like a child all over again, so awkward in your presence
Weak in the knees
But you took back your hand and abruptly turned away
And my heart cried "I need you, please come back,
Now are never; there's no turning back, are you going to let him go?"
No... He can't be with me now.
You're just the fabric of my dream.
4/27/04 -- The next two are on the same page and are about the same person so I won't introduce them individually. I wrote these when I lost Jon in my sophomore year of college. *sigh*
Changes changes
every day
Changes changes
in my head
Please make them
make them go away
Change changes
I feel dead
I wish I hadn't left why'd I have to leave why
won't he come back why didn't I believe
Why is he gone now why isn't he mine where is my happiness
Why do I feel so blind
I miss Jon I miss you I miss every wasted moment of my life without him in my arms where is he now why won't he be my love
I'm going crazy gonna lose my mind I don't want my life the way it is right now I want him back I'll do anything I swear just bring him back God bring him back into my arms
--- Wrote this one once when Randall left me. Nothing new. ---
I've looked all over
For someplace to hide
But there's nothing
To fill the emptiness inside
You left a hole inside me
Nothing else can fill
Nothing brings me happiness
Nothing ever will
Desparation
Desolation
Emptiness consumes me
Tormented
No consolation
You look right through me
I have become
Nothing in your eyes (a maddened zombie)
I still have found
No place to hide
Happiness flees at
Every fleeting glance
I'm more alone than I have ever been
I don't want to open my eyes
I don't want to know that this is real
I don't want to have to know
That my world is really upside down
Since you're gone
My world's become surreal
I walk around alone and wonder
What you did to me and why
And what was it that I did?
--- I wrote this one about, well, a close friend of mine, once, that I really wanted to be with, who lived really far away... but anyway long story, I just wrote it, ok? :P it's straightforward. ---
For you
For you I would give up my life
Everything I've ever known
I would kiss my world goodbye
For you I'd do the impossible
Make all your wishes true
Cause all I need in this world is you
For you I'd give up every dream I hold
Except for the one in which together
You and I grow old
I will chase a rainbow
to the ends of this world
I'll do anything it takes just to be yours
I want to hold you in my arms tonight
Only you can make my world
Seem to be all right
Your smile is the only one
That makes my world bright
But your smile doesn't shine on me tonight
You don't want to feel the way I do
You try not to love me
You try to hide the truth
So you don't let your heart feel like mine
And you will never know me
And you'll forget me in time
--- I wrote this one cause Randall left me one day like usual and I couldn't see why (as usual) ---
I guess that I don't matter to you
Is it that I kissed who I should not have
And you knew?
Did you finally meet that special somebody new?
Cause I know that I don't matter to you
Please tell me
When did you stop caring for me?
Was I so blind that months have passed
and I couldn't see?
Just how many moments have I
Wasted in your arms?
Tell me when did you stop caring for me?
Why am I alone tonight?
Did I do something wrong that made things
No longer right?
We used to spend each night together
Blanketed in love
So why did you leave me alone?
Where do I go from here now?
There's no one out there like you
No one else to be found
My soul just will not go on living
without you in my life
There's no where to go from here now
--- This was about a really cute guy I worked with who had Jim Morrison hair (tm) and was really cute (and really taken). ---
(this *is* about a guy, in case you were wondering :P)
(and btw, when you read my creative writing stuff, a lot of the lines I used in these I put in there cause I didn't like really any of these whole poems but parts of them :)
You're beautiful
Why can't you see that you're beautiful?
Your hair tumbles over your shoulders
Your eyes shine like two perfect stars in
an unknown galaxy
You're shrouded in mystery
You're a work of art
I can taste you already
I can feel you so close to me
Close in my arms
I hear your heart
it's not calling for me
Maybe it's that
You aren't ready
To take that step
To take on that part
You're beautiful
You were meant for me
You're beautiful
--- This is about the same guy at work :P ---
I think that the reason I secretly want Ed
is that I always feel the need to tame the wild
that's why I love guys with long hair
with the long hair comes the rebellious personality
And other unfortunate aspects of them
Tame - not change - I want them to stay wild
But settle down, with me
--- I wrote this one once when Randall and I broke up and I just felt totally alone, abandoned by everyone :( ---
Dear God,
I'm through with hope, through with believing
That my heartache is ever going to subside
I'm through with believing you'll ever stop the hurt
I'm through with believing in love or happiness
You never gave that to me
You called me your child, then you let me fall
You forsook me when I was small
You can go now, there's nothing left to do here
I'm your child, fallen from grace
I'm the child that you forgot
Leave me now
--- I wrote this one when Randall was like 5 hours late coming home from work again when he said he'd be with me.---
Hello
It's me
The love you forgot
You threw me in a corner a few months ago
I've become acquainted with the spiders
Of your mind and heart
The cobwebs of your sensitivites and emotions
speak for themselves
They aren't exercised enough
Hey
Remember me?
I'm that girl you said you loved
You threw me in a closet tonight
Promising me a moment in your arms
and I believed
But instead I found myself becoming
acquainted with the skeletons that
fill your past and present and future
the loneliness that has been you
is you
will be you always
For I will no longer be tossed aside
Farewell,
if you ever realize i'm gone
don't cry
I was your forgotten love
--- I wrote this for all the ignorami on 3k and in the real world, who think that if you're not a nasty rotten sonofabitch to anyone and everyone and won't backstab your best friend first chance you get you're some kind of 5-armed alien from Mars and don't deserve even acknowledgement in the social world. ---
Your wish is to crucify us
Because of an accent, a smile
Anything genuine, anything different from yourself
We live in an artificial world
Adorned with frowns and
A general unspoken agreement of discontent
Any attempt to break free of this depression
Will be immediately cast out from society
Until they are similarly cynical and
Hardened to the needle-like spines
Of the ways of the world
And the spineless people who mindlessly
Go along with it all
Hatred is the pied piper and
We allow him to lead you to destruction
Stop the backstabbing, heartbreaking
Hateful prejudice
If you must hate
Hate because you know the person
Because of a personal slight
Not because of fear of difference,
Not because of dislike of genuine
Friendship and care
Not because of jealousy
Never, never hate for these reasons
You throw away a potential true friend
One can never have too many of those
--- This I wrote because there was this dude I worked with from Russia who didn't know any English and his way of flirting with all the girls we worked with was to ask them all kinds of weird personal questions about them out of the blue and it freaked them out, but I don't think he knew any better, and I felt bad cause they all ridiculed him and treated him like above 5-armed alien from Mars. They also treated me that way because I wasn't one of their little buddies when I got the job, and they all knew each other from stuff like high school and family ---
He's a stranger in our land
Our lady liberty promises shelter and sanctuary
From the things which drove him from his homeland
Instead of opening your arms to him
You shut him out.
With no knowledge of
Acceptable and unacceptable social customs
You assume it's all natural
This is something we are born with, our culture
Your ignorance disgusts me
I'm a stranger in your land
Our laws promise shelter and sanctuary
From your sharp tongues which seek to stab
Anyone and everyone, to cover your own shortcomings
Instead of opening your arms to me
You shut me out.
With no knowledge of
Acceptable and unacceptable work procedure
Or what makes you tick
You assume I know already
Like this is something I was supposed to be born with,
knowing you
And therefore must be defective and should just be ignored,
Or treated badly, for your own entertainment
Where do people like you come from?
The ignorance farm?
Someone needs to learn to throw out the rotten apples
Beautiful on the outside but rotten to the core
And invest in something more genuine
Perhaps less lustrous, but as sweet as they come
(btw as a side note the best orange I have ever had was brown.)
--- I wrote this to Randall once, cause he was always too busy to see me for a week or two at a time, and barely even talked to me on the phone or online :( and then I'd go to find him when he said he was like, at his parents' and would see me in 3 hours and 5 hours later didn't show, and I'd call and they'd be like "Uh, what? He hasn't been here." ---
I never see you anymore
Between work and class and errands
We meet each other running out the door
I just don't know how to continue
A relationship like this
When you say you're going out
Where do you really go?
When I check to see if you are there
No one has seen you show
And it's always the same excuse
My car didn't start, the truck blew a fuse
But it's always something small
That a car-expert like you
Should have found in an instant
Not an hour or a month
So where have you been?
Are you paying your rent in blowjobs
Or are you out with another girl?
Hitting on the bartender at
The bar you go to now
I just need to know
so I know where to go
From here
Cause i don't think there's
Much left for me here
--- I wrote this cause Randall had a habit of not doing what he said he was going to do, promise or not, ever. And dammit, that gets old quick. ---
Another night
Another pair of empty arms
Another cold still-bare ring finger
Another salty tear falls
I'm so tired of being alone
I need you more than you could ever know
But all you leave are empty promises
To quiet my tears for one more day
But another night goes by
Another tear, two more wet eyes
It won't go on much longer this way
Make your word good or renege
--- This one I wrote tonight (Jan 3) cause Randall and I have been broke up a few days, and I just tried to talk to him and he was cold to me again, and when we hung up I just cried and cried, like I have been since he left, and I feel more alone than I ever have. ---
My pillow's wet with tears
As I demand of God again
Why when I am all alone
Is he not carrying me now?
I plead for just some strength
to stop the tears and carry on
But all i get is a world of hurt
I look deploringly to the sky
Where is the man you put down here for me?
But my only answer is
The strong empty stifling silence of my room
God's not dead
I'm just forsaken.
-------------- Creative Writing Shit --------------
--- this is one i never handed in. It's about a chick. One that muds. She'll never read this, but if she did she'd know it was her :) ---
Raven locks tumble over
Delicate shoulders
Those of a dancer
Arms of Grecian grace
And body goddess-like
Eyes of silvery charcoal
Gaze soul-searching
Meeting my gaze
She is --grin, do you think I'd tell you who? :)
My angel
My defender
Her very stare can turn
My day to sunshine
Or the sun above to ice
Ordinary woman
Extraordinary girl
She walks in beauty
And holds my heart
4/27/04 -- I found another version of this that I wrote (I'm not sure whether earlier or later. I think later.)
Raven locks tumble over
Fragile shoulders, petite frame
Her arms snake up around
Her head and slowly back down to her waist
She sways slowly in time
To music playing in her mind
Then she throws her head back and laughs
Loudly and with pure joy
Extraordinary ordinary girl
Many names, one face
She is a dream
--- I'm putting in only the revised versions of the poems I had to revise, because the first versions sucked in comparison, ok? :) ok :) Well this first one wasn't revised, it's a little piece we were supposed to write about our writing, we could do it in any style, I did it in some weird abstract thing, anyway, it's ok :) ---
Examination of a writer
She awakens from a dream where the words came out just right, and they dripped sweet from her fingertips like honey, and she knows she has to let the whole world know. Her computer is her mentor, displaying words and visions before her eyes as clearly as in her vivid rainbow dream. It seems to be able to speak to her, to tell her when a word she used wasn't the one she remembered, to try again to sculpt that image more clearly. Chiseling with words, the ideas begin to take form, enveloping the reader in a blanket of wonder, letting them walk through the echoing hallways of her mind. This corridor is blue, the audience cries. This corridor is black; they walk faster. Fingers flying deftly over well-worn keys which have long since lost their labels from frequent use, the woven house is completed, and she collapses back onto the pillow by her side - her mentor never leaves her bedside, you see, and is never asleep.
From time to time, the dreamweaver is faced with a more difficult task - sculpting dreams from non-dreams. That is, someone makes a request of her to write on something she never dreamed of writing about. Usually a waking-dream will suffice for this sort of task, but the results are never as complete or intricately woven. And every now and again she simply cannot dream of what to say in any shape or form. These are the most tragic; they appear as though they were a child's attempt at painting a Monet. But the dreamweaver never looks back on her tragedies; she hides them away in a forgotten corner, and they are never seen again. The Lost Paintings of the Dreamweaver, they shall posthumously call them, for she will never allow anyone's hands on them while she is alive to prevent it.
--- this one I wrote as an assignment we were supposed to write on one of a couple subjects she offered and I chose 'my sorrows'. Cept she bitched at me because the first poem had a depressing ending, so I had to pretend to be optimistic in the revised one to get an A. ---
I cry so often,
my eyes are dry
My mind is filled
With broken promises
Things better left unsaid
My mother's gone
My cat has died
My childhood has passed
My father's broke
Can't afford school
Each day may be his last
My boyfriend and I
Fight a lot
We never get along
I'm supposed to be
A musician
But I can't write a song
My dreams are far
Beyond my reach
But my hopes remain high
I know my dreams
Can all come true
If I really try
--- I wrote this one cause I feel fat. ---
Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall
Don't look at me like that.
Your world is my world
Your face mine
I never said you could use them
Your silver plane keeps me in chains
You're a constant reminder of my pain
You show me everything about myself that I hate
Don't look at me like that.
I told you not to look at me like that.
You're like a little sister
Who takes and doesn't ask
I want my world back and I want your sunken eyes to go away
You always manage to make me hurt
You make me look bad in every shirt
And you remind me how I'm too fat to wear a skirt
Don't look at me like that!
--- This is a seriously stupid poem she made us write. ---
Rosebud
You have two loves
The rain and the dew
One is passionate, ravishing
Filling you to the depths of your soul
Leaving you breathless
The other softly kisses your lips
Whispering promises of return as it melts away
Leaving you yearning for more, but patiently waiting for next dawn
To neither can you be faithful
Always hoping for the other's return
Foolish love
You keep believing, even when
The rain has no thoughts of revisit
Your life but one week, you shall either starve for
Or drown in that which you place your hope in
Foolish love
Foolish flower
More logical to put trust in the woman who raised and cares for you
Nature knows no logic
Foolish love
Foolish flower
Foolish nature
--- This I wrote as a before/after/conclusion assignment we had. ---
Who Am I?
I'm invincible!
(I'm invincible? I don't know myself!)
I can be anything
(If I have a quarter million dollars for school)
I'm an actress on a stage, standing in the spotlight
(Since when did you get over that stage fright?)
Now a princess, now a cop
(Your lack of royal blood and fear of blood in general rules these out)
I have years to learn who I am
(Ah, but time goes by so fast.)
I'm not invincible, I'm quite weak
(This is your alter ego speaking, you have more self confidence than that!)
I don't know what to be
(But you're smart, you'll get there.)
I'm a single actress on a stage, hiding from the spotlight
(Come out and shine, prima donna!)
Now a musician, now a writer
(Jack of all trades, master of all?)
I still don't know who I am
(You have a better idea than you think!)
With imagination, I still am
Anything that I want to be
It's what I want now
That I need to know
To be who I really am.
--- This one I wrote cause well, nobody ever seems to like me cause I'm different :( ---
The Difference Difference Makes
Funny how
A warm smile can have such a reverse effect
Is it my accent? The way I wear my hair?
An outcast in the only place I have to go
I'm lonely, traversing the charcoal streets
And passing the smokey grey buildings
No matter how many smiles I give
I never get a single one in return
So much for contagions
No matter how many helping hands I lend
No one reaches out in my time of need
I have lent my every last listening ear
Spent time when I didn't have time to spare
Yet I'm still alone.
Is it because I'm genuine?
Because I care?
Because I'm not from here?
Because I'm different?
--- This one I wrote just for fun :) ---
Fame
A standing ovation after an effortless performance
L ights are on me
L imousine's waiting just outside
T ake fifteen - when will that guy get this right?
H ow much longer are we going to have to do this?
A ll this makeup's gonna make me break out
T hese shoes are killing me too - I just want to sit down!
G lamorous evening gowns
L itter the numerous wardrobes
I n the ten-bedroom mansion
T hat I bought with the paycheck from my last movie
T hursday night I go
E ngaged to the man of my dreams
R ock's half the size of my hand
S itting pretty prima donna in a great big world
I nterviews lined up for every hour every day this week
S leep is something only my characters get
N ightly news cast spills the skeletons from my fellow actors' closets
O ut for everyone to see
T urning red, I switch it off and throw the remote at my wall-sized silver screen TV
G onna make it in this world for a little while
O pportunity's knocking loud on every door
L ocked before, they're open wide, but
D o I want to step through another?
--- This one is about a guy who came to visit me once while I was living in Oswego, except some details were changed to make it better. ---
Haunted
A pair of eyes like the sea after a storm
Wild, tousled, fair hair tumbles over his shoulders
Brushes my face
A distant laugh, a constant reminder
Of the one who had it all but would not be taken
Like trying to hold the wind in your hand
A comb with a single strand of golden hair
The shirt you left still smells of your cologne
But I can't stand the pain I feel when the bittersweet smell is too close
It mocks me, reminding me that I'll never be that close again
So resentfully I threw it in the farthest corner of my closet
You've become one of the skeletons that reside there
And the cobwebs that I try to build with the spiders of my mind
To distance myself from the memories like a dreamcatcher, to filter you out
Can't hide
The pair of eyes like the sea after a storm
The way you looked at me
The way you laughed
Or the smell of your hair
You're forever gone, but you're always here.
--- This one's about, well, my childhood, my mother used to come after me with a fire poker all the time cause she was psycho, but anyway... ---
Aborted Childhood
I didn't do it
I swear to God
I've been outside all day
How could I have touched my mother's cookies
When I was next door grooming the neighbor's horse?
No matter!
In my mother's eyes I was the culprit
And the heavy steel bar struck me again and again
Bruises covered my body and blood gushed from my mouth
Where the prematurely lost baby teeth once were
Now they're all crooked
And I don't have a mother anymore
ANd I had no idea why
What happened, or what I had done
At nine I found myself learning how
To do laundry, cook, clean, and wash dishes
Be a student and a housewife, a mother to myself
Aborting my childhood and forcing me
To fill the shoes of the murderer of my dreams
--- This one I wrote when we were supposed to write about an object (in this case the bear I got, my teacher didn't catch it) and well this was about the Valentine's Day Randall spent at his parents' instead of with me and I didn't get so much as a card, but my friend Mike across the hall (despite his being gay) remembered me and brought me flowers and candy and a bear. Anyway. ---
Alone
I'm alone another night
Cold in my bed - he left me again
I reach for the soft white bear by my pillow
And hold him tight while I cry, remembering Mike's words
From that cold night in February
The smell of perfume drifting back to me as it haunted my room that night
When I said to myself,
I'm alone another night
I'll be alone here in my bed, cause he's left me again
No wining and dining for me
On the day all lovers share
I'm all alone.
Everyone I knew
Had dressed up; they'd gathered in my dorm room
And chatted noisily (seemingly oblivious to how their chatter stung me);
Putting flowers in their hair,
Grabbing their gifts wrapped daintily
In red wrapping
Wrapped red or not, they spoke loudly of love
I had sat alone wondering what I would do instead
Another night alone
THIS night alone
And one by one they'd left on the arm of their love
Calling goodnight over their shoulder
(One stopped to touch my cheek and say "Don't get too lonely!" - as if I had a choice!)
So I had closed my door and crawled under the covers
As I began to doze off, something soft cuddled against me
I lifted my head and Mike was standing there
A soft bear and beautiful roses - for me, held out for ME!
'Don't cry,' he whispered, wiping my tears
'He might be gone but you're never alone'
And to this day
I'm never alone.
4/27/04 -- I found the rough draft version of this. And I guess I'm brave enough to share it.
I'm alone another night
Cold in my bed - he left me again
No wining or dining for me on this Valentine's Day
I'm all alone
Everyone I know
Got dressed up; they gathered in my dorm room
And chatted noisily, doing their hair
As I contemplated how it would be
Another night alone
THIS night alone
And one by one they left on the arm of their love
Calling goodnight over their shoulder
So I close my door and crawl under the covers
Something soft cuddles against my arms
I lift my head and he's standing there
A soft bear and beautiful flowers
"Don't cry," he whispers, wiping my tears
"He might be gone but you're never alone."
And to this day
I'm never alone
--- This one is about the last Christmas I spent with my sister Margaret before she got married the first time. I'm a pretty selfish bitch. ---
Cinnamon
There's something about the smell of cinnamon
That starts the reel of the mental movie that only I can see
Of that snowy December day
Just before my sister left us
I had just come home from school
A gingerbread house in hand
She fawned over it and took a whole roll of pictures
(The way a mother would)
Of me, the house, the cat
That cat left us, too
A few years later.
Nothing gold can stay.
Together we trimmed the tree
It was the most perfect tree I can remember in all my life
We'd spent five hours in the snow
Trudging through the Pick-your-own Christmas Tree lot
To cut it down, for it to spend its last days watching my life crumble
It would be the last that we would share
The last under whose boughs we would unwrap presents together
She was the most selfless sister in every possible way
In little ways
Like letting me put up all the handmade ornaments I'd made in elementary school
Even when they looked ridiculous
And there were already far too many
Despite her idea of the perfectly artistically balanced tree.
She was an artist.
And that was how she was selfless in a big way -
She gave up her career to be my mother when I had none
And now finally she was setting herself free to be someone else's mother.
I wished I could have been happy for her, but I wasn't.
I'm selfish like that.
Together we put up the train, I can see it
The movie playing in my head, almost in slow motion
Like they always do right before something tragic happens.
And I know what's going to happen, but like in a movie
You can only cry for the characters, but change nothing
We watched our cat play witht he ornaments and gave him rides on the train
Then we wrapped our presents, and here the cinnamon is strongest
The entire house glowed with love
A few days would pass, and she would be gone forever
To visit once a year and send a package on my birthday
A call every few months
And to this day I can still see it all whenever I smell cinnamon
And my heart sheds a few more silent tears
To join the others in the memory
Of the last Christmas of my youth
--- This is a poem (if you can call it that) that I wrote cause I couldn't think of anything else and I needed a 10th poem for my set. But the teacher liked it. ---
Farewell to Life
The last thing I saw
As rubber burned on asphalt
Were the quiet, innocent eyes of the doe
Looking directly into mine
Saying her farewell to life
--- This one I wrote cause I had a night job once and it totally sucked getting up for class. ---
Morning
The sun's radiant golden fingers caress my face
As I toss in my bed, unable to sleep
For the morning sun's telling me she's wide awake
And I should be, too
But all I want is the evasive slumber
Frightened off by sun's warm touch
All I want is one more hour, maybe two
It's not easy being a child of the night
When you're used to being an angel of the dawn
Five more cups of coffee, two more alarm clocks
I can do it today, I know I can
But like clockwork, the alarm goes off,
My body rises, turns it off, and collapses again in exhaustion
To pursue those last two hours
Nature knows nothing of classes or homework
Just rest.
--- This one I started writing because I was thinking of Ed (the guy from work, laugh) and had written one of those poems up there but it wasn't good to hand in, and we weren't supposed to write about lovey dovey stuff. Anyway. ---
Infatuation
There's one solitary wonderful mundane thing
About which everyone writes, and no one really knows
About which we are told not to write, better to differentiate ourselves
Making our writing unique
I am unique, but I am not extraordinary
So I'll speak instead of infatuation rather than love
Infatuation - something so familiar to so many of us
But so rarely addressed as a thing of beauty
So rarely addressed in a poem
For myself, I've come to realize that infatuation
Has little to do with what they really do and don't do
Think or don't think
It's all about what one thinks they do and think and are
The gaps we fill in
For myself, if he's got long wavy hair and those rebellious eyes
It's all over for me.
So there's this angel I work with
He's got said long hair and blue eyes
Like two stars in an unknown universe, and they're begging to be unveiled
He's shrouded in mystery, and alL i want to do is rip into it with all I have
And tear that haze away, find out what's inside
And I think that the only reason that I'm infatuated with him
Is that I always feel the need to tame the wild
Which is why I love guys with long hair
With the long hair comes the rebellious nature
And other unfortunate aspects of them
So I need to rope the wind, tame the stallion
Maybe change, not tame
The allure is in the wild
By the time they're wrapped around my finger, I'm already looking elsewhere
But one day I'll meet one of those renegades
And I'll cast my lasso
And he'll settle down
With me
--- This one I wrote cause central NY SUCKS ---
Chronic Blues
Most mornings
I don't even want to look at the clock
And know that it's time to face the world again
Most mornings
I wish God hadn't bothered to give me another morning
Another day to trudge through
The perpetual grey of the central New York skies
Gives me the chronic blues
But I don't have any way out of here
I'm stuck in this school
This job
This home
Until I find someone to take me away from it all
And he's nowhere in sight
So most mornings
I don't bother to get out of bed
--- This one was our "color" poem assignment. ---
Silver
There's a silver lining on every black, cold cloud
The ripple of silver laughter can be picked out of a crowd
A little silver star can make a child's day
A little silver teardrop helps to make pain go away
Silver's underrated, it's more precious than it seems
Silver is a comfort, it's the thread that weaves our dreams
I wrote the next couple poems just sitting idly between classes. Enjoy.
Three Words
Three words I cannot say
I fear they'd make you go away
Three words my whole heart screams
My soul is aching while you haunt my dreams
Don't Love
Don't love
Counting on the other person to change
At any point, near or in the future
At least, not favorably.
And don't love
Counting on the other person not to change
That haircut, smile, face
Or the bubbly laugh will disappear tomorrow
Don't love
Counting on yourself to change
The more violated the idea, the firmer the belief
And don't love
Counting on never changing
Because tomorrow you may leave your career for the circus
Instead, love wholly
Knowing that the best may change and the worst remain
And still embrace that person with all you have
By the same token,
Do not refrain from loving with all your heart
If it is what your heart desires
Because of some flaw, some difference
Because as long as you don't love
Simply because you count on it changing,
It certainly will.
I have a few others that are SUPER crappy, and I have a story that's pretty crappy too, so I'm not sharing ;) Thanks for reading :)