"Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre." --- Albert Camus
NOW, WE’LL BOIL THE BONES TO MAKE SOUP
Hannibal holds at number one because every new movie sucks. It seems that Dino DeLaurentis wants to remake Manhunter, a.k.a., Red Dragon and Anthony Hopkins is open to it (i.e., he’s being offered a shitload of money). People, Dino De Laurentis is evil, pure evil. When I heard he was getting an honorary Oscar this year I had to wonder just what film clips they’re going to show? Orca? Body of Evidence? Silver Bullet? King Kong Lives? Mandingo? This award was so obviously bought and paid for, I think the Academy actually gave him a receipt.
THIS IS HOW BAD HABITS START
My greatest fear from Down To Earth actually holding at number two, is that Chris Rock will view this piece of crap as the standard for the rest of his movies. He’s going on tour again, so at least we’ll have a new concert film to look forward to, but that’s about it.
STILL A MYSTERY
Recess: School’s Out holds at number three and I still no nothing about this cartoon.
ANOTHER BOMB SHOULD HAVE BEEN DROPPED
Opening at number four is 3,000 Miles To Graceland and this comes from the same German money men that brought us Battleground: Earth and Get Carter. Notice the trend? Eurotrash with money latch on to fading, middle-aged movie stars (was Kurt Russell ever really a movie star? I mean, I loved The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, but…) and produce big, overblown pieces of crap. For all of you who predicted that a unified Germany would once again pose a threat to the world, you’ve been proven right. I did not need to see this to know it was crap. And does Kevin Costner not have the ugliest receding hairline in Hollywood?
LIKE YOUR DEODORANT, YOUR KUNG-FU IS LONG-LASTING
Still at number five is Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and they are going to leave this out until after the Oscars to make sure they get a little of that Best Foreign Film money. They’re hoping for $100M U.S.,. The funny thing is, it’s already out on DVD in some parts of the world.
WHY BLONDE JOKES ARE REDUNDANT
Sweet November drops down to number six this week and it’s one thing for Keanu to make this crap. He’s got The Matrix sequels to fall back on. Charlize Theron, however, is about to join the pretty blonde trash heap along with Gretchen Mol. Between this, The Legend of Bagger Vance (okay, maybe we can’t blame her for thinking that might help her career), Men of Honor and The Yards, she’s one step away from made-for-video/straight-to-cable erotic suspense movies (Shannon Tweed is getting old and people are tired of Kari Wurher’s fake boobies). Did you know she turned down the role of the woman torn between Josh Harnett and Ben Affleck in the mega movie of 2001, Pearl Harbor? Honey, fire your agent now.
MORE BRIGHT MOVES
Harrison Ford was supposed to play the Michael Douglas role in Traffic (down one notch to number seven) in an effort to save his diminishing career, but bowed out at the last minute. Apparently, he’s sharing an agent with Charlize.
THE OFFICIAL EXCUSE VS. THE REAL DIRT
Chocolat holds at number eight this week due to the lack of any movies worth seeing and Miramax’s media onslaught, which will, hopefully, backfire and leave them with nothing on Oscar night. Now, Judi Dench won’t be there because her husband just passed away. Now that’s the official reason, but word is, she hates this movie and her performance in it and wouldn’t be coming anyway, but given that Miramax was responsible for her Oscar (Shakespeare in Love) don’t ever expect to hear her say it. Instead, watch and see if she gently dismisses this movie.
TAKE US OUT
The Wedding Planner is down to number nine, followed by Cast Away at number ten.
GET BONED
Not breaking the top ten, though no worse than say, Head Over Heels or Down To Earth is MonkeyBone, the story of a comic creator whose body is overtaken by his own creation. I can’t say this was a bad movie, but considering it was supposed to be a comedy, it wasn’t all that funny. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t painfully unfunny like Head Over Heels or Down To Earth; it’s just that it wasn’t infused with the subversive energy this movie obviously needed. It only comes close in the final 15 minutes when Chris Kattan appears as a reanimated corpse whose organ donor body drops body parts through the large whole in his abdomen---much to the chagrin of the hotly pursuing organ surgeon, played by Bob Odenkirk. In fact, there’s an odd wealthy of talent in this film. Aside from the two previously mentioned, there’s my beloved Bridget Fonda (my primary reason for seeing this), Giancarlo Esposito, Megan Mulally (Karen from Will & Grace to all of you), Dave Foley (Newsradio, Kids In The Hall) and John Tuturro. Hell, I’ll even give you Whoopi Goldberg and Brendan Fraser. Only Chris Kattan, Bob Odenkirk and Dave Foely understand how to play in a movie like this, thus only their roles are funny. And how much imagination does it take to realize that, in a musical number performed by a monkey in a man’s body, the only song is "Jungle Love", not "Brick House." I mean, isn’t that obvious? And it would be the version by The Time, not Steve Miller, because it’s funnier watching a big white boy do funk. Still this movie looks great. The sets and costumes designed for the dream world are amazing and Monkeybone himself is stop-motion animation, making me realize how much I miss it in this world of computer generated effects. A friend who knows one of the special effects people tells me they knew they were getting away with murder on the money they spent. That kinda explains the $70M budget, huh?
ERIN GO TOPLESS
In fulfilling his job requirements as my older brother, I was harassed this weekend with news that there’s a special Girls of Ireland section in one of Playboy’s lingerie books. All I can figure is that it must be a damn short section, considering it consists only of those three sisters from The Corrs and an old airbrushed picture of Maureen O’Hara. We’ve been over this before: beauty is hard to come by in the UK. For every Jude Law and Elizabeth Hurley, there’s millions of English and Irish people who look like Prince Charles and his girlfriend, Camilla.
DESPERATION EVERYWHERE
You may not have heard, but supposedly Winona Ryder will be on Friends next month for Jennifer Anniston’s lesbian kiss. The plot is they made out once while drunk in college. Winona denies this, so Jennifer kisses her, thus restoring her memory and her lust. Is this not pathetic? Two of the biggest ratings cliches in TV history: stunt casting (which as been around since Lucy called in debts from her movie days and got stars on her show) and lesbians (which has only been around for the last five years or so). In fact the whole stunt-casting-lesbian-kiss idea was ridiculed on an episode of Grosse Pointe last week. Now, a better show would simply use this a throw away joke (if you blinked, you missed it on Will & Grace, referring to a similar experience Grace had in college), but a lame, crap should would make it fill an entire episode. It should do well. After all, you’ve got the Gen-X adolescent male sexual fantasy locking lips with the Gen-X twentysomething male sexual fantasy (Gen X thirtysomething sexual fantasy? Brittney Spears and I wish I were kidding). Now, I don’t expect any better from Straight White Friends, but if this doesn’t confirm my statements about Winona Ryder’s career, I don’t know what does. That nude scene is probably being filmed right now.
IT’S THE SUGAR, SHERLOCK
I’d made the decision to start reading actual books again before this week’s incident. Aside from the fact that I’m feeling stupid overall, was the insomnia that’s been crippling me for the last two weeks (I finally realized the free vending machine at work was responsible for giving me a constant sugar rush). The final straw was catching a bit of MTV’s Cribs. You know, that show that makes you feel stupid for going to college rather than starting a band? I was watching it and they were at the house of drummer of the band Orgy. They introduced his wife as Shannon, but years of dirty video watching had given me another name for her: Shane. As in the Seymour & Shane and Shane’s World line of adult videos. If you remember, once they filmed in a firehouse here in New York and got someone fired (his own fault, dumbass). This made me realize I had to start reading again. I decided to pick up where I left off, with the Sue Grafton mysteries. I stopped midway through "J Is For Judgement" and now they’re up to O. I went to the Strand and walked out with the last five books in hardback for just $25. I love New York.
TITS ON STICKS
I’ve finally realized something about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue: I don’t care. I’ve never cared. I can count the number of times I’ve actually bought it and only once because there was someone I wanted to see (Gabrielle Reece). My primary motivation, I’ve realized, has been the women around me who send me down to buy it for them (most notably, that same married woman who got me into lesbian porn). Besides, tall and skinny with big boobs is not an acceptable beauty standard for me. Granted, some are pretty, but an increasing number are not (can you say Audrey Quock?). If you’re going to be shallow, at least be thorough about it. Require hips and an ass. At least then I can respect you.
IT’S NOT, "DID IT SUCK?" ONLY, "HOW MUCH?"
Say what you want, I watched all of the pre-show only to see Leah Remini from King of Queens. I can’t help it. I love the B&T girls. In case you wondered how Italians get away with playing Puerto Ricans, one look at her in her Jennifer Lopez disguise should be enough to answer your question…Madonna should leave the hip shaking to people who actually have hips and asses…Macy Gray’s shirt was a bit too accurate, no?…N’Sync finally stopped jumping around to sing. Funny, it doesn’t sound much better…Steely Dan? Once again, the Grammys have decided to ignore the here and now to atone for past crimes…Destiny’s Child reminding me just how sad Madonna was with how good they are. Those are hips, ample hips she’s shaking while singing…I love that commercial where the kids sing "The Beat Goes On,"…Paul Simon. Who cares?…Toni Braxton is just sad…Faith Hill, silently praying that Shania Twain stays out of the public eye just a little bit longer…Is it just me or is Bono starting to look like Harvey Keitel?…Shelby Lynne is drunk and I really don’t care. Hell, I don’t even mind her slut tattoo (slut tattoo: a tattoo distinguished either by being placed in an unsuitable area, such as the breasts or stomach, or being unnecessarily large and ugly; also too many small tattoos automatically equals one slut tattoo). She and Sheryl Crow are two of those women who’ve seen it all and done half of it, so if you can be nice, make your way through a few jokes and keep their glasses full, chances are you’ll be stumbling over their Grammy on the way to the bathroom tomorrow morning...Second place in the "I’m Just Pathetic" contest goes to Christina Aguilera, with her bad Spanish, fake slut tattoo on her back and boyfriend so freaking flaming, when they cast the Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movie, he’s your first choice…why do they insist on trying to "culture us up" with a classical performance? I honestly don’t care. If you’re going to do this shit, at least do it with a full orchestra. Now, that’s impressive…No offense to the Native Americans, but a Grammy doesn’t make up for genocide and what’s the point in preserving your cultural music when you turn around and thank Jesus for it? Hello? Irony anyone? This was the deity used to destroy you…I’m like everyone else at this point: waiting for Eminem. Now, I’m no fan, but I can’t deny "Stan" is an amazing song, and the original, uncut video (where you see Dido in the trunk just before it goes off the bridge) is disturbing as hell. The performance was nice and it cracked me up how they kept screwing up the bleeping, missing the curse words and knocking out the odd preposition. And Elton John is proof not all gay men have taste.
UNFORTUNATELY, YOU KNOW IT’S NOT OVER
It’s rare you want the lead in a series to die, but in the case of the X-Files I would really like that corpse to mean Mulder is dead. Unfortunately, I’m a longtime comic book reader and I know that only Bucky stays dead (Bucky was Captain America’s partner in WWII and died in the same explosion that put Captain America into suspended animation until Iron Man and the rest of the Avengers thawed him out decades later. He is widely regarded as the only hero whose resurrection is improbable).2/20/2001
"One becomes moral as soon as one is unhappy." --- Marcel Proust
LOTS OF SAUCE, LITTLE MEAT
Still at number one is Hannibal and at $109M you’d think this was some incredible hit, right? Wrong! Remember what we’ve learned, boys and girls: budget x 3= profit. That means we’re going to need at least $250-300M from this and given that it had a 49% drop-off from last week, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Yes, I’m pulling for it to fail. Why? Because I hate Ridley Scott, that’s why. I rented Gladiator on DVD this weekend and was reminded of his emphasis of style over substance. He got lucky with Alien and Thelma & Louise, but everything else was dry ice and lighting.
I HATE BLACK PEOPLE
Down To Earth opens at number two and with just a $28M budget, this might actually turn a profit, but it sure as hell doesn’t deserve it. Ever since his rebirth about five years ago, one thing that has set Chris Rock apart for other comedians, especially Black comedians, is his refusal to play dumb. His humor has always been notable for being brutally honest and insightful---none of which is apparent in this movie. How could he screw this up? It’s a remake of a remake---Here Comes Mr. Jordan, Heaven Can Wait---both of which were good movies. Just Xeroxing either of them would have made for a decent movie. Instead, he blows off two good scripts and uses one that alternates between the lowest form of humor ("Hey, look at how un-hip white people are!") and a bad, bad romance with the Black Anne Archer, Regina King (she’s the woman Black actors call to deflect attention away from all the thin, light-skinned actresses they usually work with). This movie was so disappointing it could be used as an example of why you shouldn’t give money to Black people to make films. And did I mention the audience of morons I saw this with? Because I was sick this weekend, I couldn’t get up to see the early show and wound up at the sold out one at 4:00. Big mistake. Cell phones ringing, babies crying and morons saying aloud what was obviously on the screen. In short, the very people Chris Rock normally ridicules in his act. Needless to say, they loved it. This movie is the kind of crap I expect from Martin Lawrence and Eddie Griffin, which is the cruelest insult I can muster.
HUH?
Recess: School’s Out opens at number three and I know nothing about this. Apparently, it’s a cartoon on TV and this is a full-length version of it. Easy money for Disney.
TO DIE FOR
Sweet November opens at number four and you’ve got to give Keanu Reeves an "A" for effort. He’s given every genre a try since The Matrix gave him a new lease on life. Comedy (The Replacements), Drama (The Gift), Suspense (The Watcher) and now, sappy romance with this. Sadly, they’ve all sucked, which lets you know he’s just not playing dumb in his movies. Apparently he wouldn’t know a good script if it jumped in the air and hung there before kicking him across the room. This is a remake of a film with the same title and I think the trailer makes it obvious she’s dying. Apparently, these people feel they can succeed where Richard Gere and Winona Ryder failed in earlier in the year and on the east coast (Autumn in New York as opposed Sweet November in San Francisco). I know it’s wrong to rip movies you haven’t seen, but I’m pretty sure this movie sucks. Even the trailers are bad, revealing every cliched and contrived moment that lurks within. He’s a workaholic! She’s a free spirit! She’s got kooky, loving neighbors! They find love despite their differences! He changes! She dies! Kill me now!
BEATING A DEAD HORSE
Despite the Oscar nominations, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon actually drops a notch to number five, while Traffic rises a notch to number six.
TICK, TICK, TICK
The Wedding Planner takes a massive dive to number seven, but its work in securing Jennifer Lopez as a box office draw and saving Matthew McConanughey, period, is done. The hotter the flame, the shorter the lifespan, and between this movie, her album and Puffy’s trial (he’s goin’ down!), she’s been burning it at both ends. It’s no big surprise that she’s now sinking like a rock. And as it turns out, Matthew McConanughey isn’t just crazy, he’s crazy and usually stoned out of his mind! It only makes me like him more.
CRAPOLA
It’s somehow befitting that they’re using that song from The Corrs in ads for Chocolat---now at number eight--- as I feel similarly about their success as I do about the moderate success of Chocolat. I feel they are two mediocre products (pretty on the outside, but nothing within) being forced on us by an unrelenting marketing machine until we just give up and take them. Kind of like the women I’ve known in my life who say they’ve sometimes fucked men just to make them go away. I was about to question the logic of giving someone something that they want to make them go away---until I remembered how that very same logic had worked on me. Hey, I’m not proud of it. I’m just saying that men run as fast from women they’ve slept with as they ran to them. Does this mean that The Corrs will take their one hit and go the hell away now?
END OF THE LINE
Even another Academy award nomination for Tom Hanks isn’t helping Castaway, as it’s down to number nine this week, followed by Saving Silverman, which closes out the top ten at number ten.
HERE COME THE BOOBIES!
Winona Ryder’s next project is a remake of Mr. Deeds Goes To Town with Adam Sandler as the lead. Oh, man, can you smell the blood in the water of her career? She’s just one step away from a nude scene. Speaking or Miss Horowitz, I bought Heathers on DVD and had to stop it five minutes in. Why? Because it was so fucking mean! Maybe I’m just getting old, but I’d forgotten just how nasty it was (and how ugly those 80’s fashions were). "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?…They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I’m worshipped at Westerberg and I’m only a junior. " Still Winona’s best movie and we still have yet to see its misanthropic equal among today’s latest run of teen flicks (Cruel Intentions doesn’t even come close).
A STEP UP, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT
Tom Cruise hanging with Lisa Marie Presley? Why not? It’s not like she doesn’t have experience in being a beard. At least this one’s just gay and not a gay, child-molesting freak.
IT WOULD BE WORTH ALL THE SUFFERING
Everyone fears a writer’s strike in Hollywood but if it would keep David Kelly from writing, it might be a good thing. As I mentioned before, my purely heterosexual crush on Taye Diggs has me watching the odious Ally McBeal these past few weeks and I cannot believe the show is even worse than it was before. Vonda Shephard is the antichrist of music. All the good things that music is supposed to be, are destroyed the moment she opens her mouth. Even Gandhi would slit her throat. And that’s just the beginning of the show. David Kelly’s misogyny continues with story after story of women who simply cannot live unless they have some ugly loser in their lives and are willing to humiliate themselves to get him. Even worse is the David Kelly show beforehand, Boston Public. I turned to it to see an attractive 18-year-old girl convincing her ugly, balding, middle-aged teacher to continue seeing her. Because you see, then it’s not his fault. She was literally asking for it, the slut. How can you blame him? I mean, HE’S JUST A GODDAMNED ADULT! And there’s another teacher who made out with one of his students and is not only allowed to keep his job, but is now the love interest of what was once the main character. She’s his latest Michelle Pfeiffer doppelganger (Calista Flockhart is the other) that he likes to humiliate because deep down inside, David Kelly hates his movie star wife. And don’t get me started on the pretty black teacher whose breasts struggle in each scene to free themselves from whatever tight top she has them trapped in (and the fact they don’t jiggle tells all you need to know about their authenticity). I’m afraid to see what’s going on on The Practice, though I’ve no doubt that women continue to be stupid and bitchy, while Dylan McDermott continues to be the ultimate pussy magnet.
THE SAD RESULT OF A LOUSY YEAR
The Academy Award nominations were announced this week and if you didn’t believe Harvey Weinstein was buying votes, believe it now. There is no other reason Chocolat could get nominated for Best Picture even in a lousy year like this one, especially with Almost Famous in the running. Even a by-the-numbers star vehicle like Erin Brockovich is multiple nominee. Hell, the preachy, pretentious The Contender was still better than that. Russell Crowe’s performance in Gladiator consisted mostly of looking sullen and grunting, but somehow that was better than his sullen and talking performance in Proof Of Life and worthy of an Academy Award nomination. It’s so bad, that they had to back to Geoffrey Rush in Quills to round out the five nominations. How about accepting that Bruce Greenwood was the actual star of 13 Days and not supporting Kevin Costner? This would leave an opening in Best Supporting Actor for Billy Crudup in Almost Famous, because no one (including me) saw his starring role in Jesus’ Son. But this isn’t really necessary because Joaquin Phoenix does not belong here at all. Since when does a bad English accent get you an Oscar ("I’m vexed. I’m so terribly vexed.")!?! In fact, beyond technical awards, no one living deserves jack shit for Gladiator. The triumph of its mediocrity is proof that Speilberg and the rest of the crew at Dreamworks knows how to buy awards just like Miramax. Judi Dench has become one of those people who get nominated for whatever they do, like Meryl Streep. Kate Hudson can dust off her mantle piece because Hollywood loves its royalty and no one even saw the other films. And has anyone, anywhere heard any of the nominated songs? I didn’t even know that Meet The Parents and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon had songs ("You don’t bring me kung-fu/You don’t sing me war songs/You hardly couch your tiger at me anymore/When my hidden dragon comes through the door at the end of the day…")! Man, I’m really going to have to get drunk watching it this year, otherwise I’ll be bored to death.
SOMEONE IS LISTENING
I called it, didn’t I? A Behind the Music with Journey. You can pretend if you want to, but you watched it just like I did. Could Steve Perry be more of a prick? I don’t think so. Notice how no one seemed to have been children. That used to be a staple of the show; the whole family upbringing. Not in this one. Apparently Steve Perry had no father and there was no explanation of his very "ethnic" look. Also, Neil Schon was in Santana as a teenager. No interview with Santana about this, much less Shon’s family, who couldn’t possibly be thrilled that their son dropped out of high school to go play at Woodstock (another important fact left out of the show). And not only did they find someone who sang like Steve Perry to replace him, but the loser even looks like him. Is it just me, or did their story mirror Styx’s, all the way down to how the lead singer developed some medical problem right before they could make a comeback and had to be replaced? Still, one thing I can say about Journey is that there were better than Styx. I mean, I sing Journey in the shower, but I’ll die before I’ll sing "Babe" at any time. But I’m still waiting on that Behind The Music with Cameo. Come on! They went from top of the charts to a public auction of their publishing rights (yes, you too could have bought the rights to "Candy" or "Word Up" or "She’s Strange") and all because Larry Blackmon had a nasty cocaine habit. This is a story that needs to be told.
FINALLY
"Mulder, will you jerk off in a cup for me?" "Sure, Scully." Heavy sigh. Someone, please, please, please put this goddamn show out of its misery and mine.
2/12/2001
"To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life." --- Eric Hoffer
EAT ME
Hannibal opens at number one and this was essentially doomed by the success of Silence of the Lambs, and not because sequels usually suck, because Silence of the Lambs was itself a sequel to the highly underrated, but accomplished, Manhunter (which is about the man who caught Lechter and his pursuit of another serial killer, directed by the great Michael Mann and starring William Petersen and a very young Joan Allen). No, it was doomed because some artists have a love/hate relationship with success. Usually, it’s musicians who strive for success for years, then, upon achieving it, immediately put out an album that alienates all the johnny-come-latelys. Prince springs to mind. After Purple Rain, his big mainstream crossover, he immediately put out Around The World In A Day. Bye-bye, newbies. I feel after years of moderate success (Black Sunday, Red Dragon, a.k.a., Manhunter) Thomas Harris was a bit perturbed at all the attention to Silence of the Lambs and set about writing a sequel guaranteed to get rid of all of you newbies. He succeeded so well that, that not only would Jodie Foster refuse to do the movie, but so would the director and the screenwriter. When your Academy Award-winning actor, director and screenwriter say "no" you know you’ve got a problem. Undaunted, because he’s a tasteless sleazebag, Dino DeLaurentis has continued on with director Ridley Scott, (who has never put a script before visuals) and Julianne Moore (who should have known better). This movie is a mess that keeps the two main characters apart for the majority of the film, giving the bulk of screen time to a doomed Italian detective who tries to capture Hannibal Lechter because he needs money to support his much younger wife. There’s also the supposedly main plot, which is about the only surviving victim of Lechter, who’s offered the reward money to apprehend him. When that doesn’t work, he goes after Clarice Starling, knowing Lechter will come to her when she’s in distress. This gives the actual interaction between Clarice Starling and Hannibal Lechter about 30 minutes---out of a 131 minute movie! Julianne Moore is no worse with her wavering Southern accent than Jodie Foster was with hers, but Anthony Hopkins is seriously showing his age, making Lechter’s almost superhuman acts strain credibility. This movie annoyed me so much I had to go online and buy the now out-of-print special Silence of the Lambs DVD on Ebay. Hopefully, I’ll get the special edition of Manhunter free from work to balance it out.
J LAID LOW
After her one week on top of the album and movie charts, Jennifer Lopez's reign is now over. Lame-ass Shaggy knocked her album out of number one and now The Wedding Planner is down to number two. I actually watched one of her musical performances on Saturday Night Live and it’s time for her to give up the young girl fashions. Brittney Spears and Christina Aguilera may be able to wear the almost crotch-baring hip-hugging, low-cut jeans, but when you’re Puerto Rican and 30, your body ain’t having it.
MAYBE A MOVIE ABOUT SILVER…
The Amanda Peet movie factory is apparently working at full steam, because here’s Saving Silverman, another obviously bad movie with her as the lead female. Now, I know actors have to do what they have to do to pay the rent, but she’s got a TV show. You can’t tell me she really needs the money. Even her less-attractive co-star, Jamie "Hard-Body-But-Hatchet-Faced" Pressly has stopped appearing naked in ever straight to video B movie that comes along (she and Alyssa Milano were seemingly trying to top Kari Wurher for skank queen). Jack Black and Steve Zahn are well-known as great comedic supporting actors. This movie is why the key word is "supporting." And how much longer can Jason Biggs ride the wave of American Pie?
MOVE ON UP, TO YOUR DESTINATION
Well, they’ve accomplished their goal. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon has moved up to number four and officially become the highest grossing foreign film in US history. The odd thing is, Harvey Weinstein at Miramax is probably actually pissed. It’s so sad. It’s like two circuses competing for tallest dwarf awards. Like they wouldn’t all give their left nut for any franchise like Lethal Weapon or Indiana Jones, rather than this art film stuff.
LIKE A CANKER SORE
Castaway is down to number five. Why won’t this just go away?
ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS
Save The Last Dance is down to number six and I hate to say it, but for the male lead, this is probably as good as it’s going to get. Like most of the extremely short leading male stars of teen movies (Andrew McCarthy, Rob Lowe) adulthood is a hard road which essentially leads to TV (if you’re lucky) or obscurity (if you’re not).
LAZINESS IS MY ROCK
Traffic is down one notch to number seven this week and my struggle not to see this continues, mainly because I have a superhuman ability to sleep for 12 hours a day. Apparently, Catherine Zeta Jones is sick of talking about the age difference between her and Michael Douglas. Well, honey, when you’re changing his diapers in a few years, you’ll understand just why it’s an issue.
BRILLANT MARKETING STATEGY FROM THE JUNIOR COLLEGE GRAD
Now, I’ll admit there wasn’t much choice of when to open a bad movie called Valentine---down to number eight this week---but given how badly it’s sinking, I think actually waiting for Valentine’s Day and the ensuing three day weekend would have been a better bet, but don’t listen to me. I’ve only got a real degree.
YOU LOVE IT---YOU JUST DON’T KNOW IT YET
Chocolat actually rises to number nine this week despite the fact that it’s not that great. Even worse is that this rise in no way reflects the massive marketing going on by Miramax. Hey, kids, this is no Shakespeare In Love. That was actually a good movie, so marketing was supported by word-of-mouth, whereas word-of-mouth on this essentially says, "wait for video." They’ve changed the poster art to something more provocative (Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp exchanging chocolate with their mouths), which is too little, too late and only reminds me of the sex scene we were cheated of.
THE SCREAMING FAT MAN CHRONICLES
Finally, at number ten is O, Brother, Where Art Thou? And given the unholy alliance of talented directors with untalented movie stars (Julia Roberts/Steven Soderbergh, Tom Cruise/Cameron Crowe), I can only dread just who will end up hooking up with the Coen Brothers. Hopefully, they’ll see George Clooney is their ticket to success and not wind up helming something starring Ethan Hawke.
I HAVE TO SAY IT: I TOLD YOU SO!
So, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman have divorced without her actually bearing children. Hmmm, wonder how that happened. Could it be that HE’S FUCKING GAY!?! Or should I say, non-fucking gay, because given the lack of boys from the past showing up, I think Tom has spent his entire life denying his urge to go swordfighting. A friend of mine put it best suggesting that Nicole’s ten year contract was finally up and she was wasting no time in getting out of there. How grateful do you think Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe are to them? Now, they’ll finally get a break. Don’t expect to see Nicole with anyone soon, though. I’m sure there’s rider in her contract prohibiting her from being seen with a man before Tom is seen with a new "girlfriend." Otherwise, she’d break Anne Heche’s quick dick-inhaling speed record. Speaking of Russell Crowe, she’s from Australia, he’s from Australia---who but the manliest man alive would have the balls to be the first to call? "So, Nicole, I understand you’ve been with a poof for ten years. Wanna come over for a ride? And bring some beer, mate."
SELF-HATRED=GOOD ART
I tried to watch Chris Rock’s on MTV’s Diary, but couldn’t overcome the sheer self-hatred oozing through. Yeah, it was funny how he did everything but show his life, but did anyone notice the complete absence of his gold-digging wife. Now, I shouldn’t say that, because like most of the world, I know nothing of this woman, but it was Chris Rock who said that if he weren’t who he is, she wouldn’t be with him. Sigh. Can’t he be like Eddie Murphy and ignore the sign on his wife’s ass that reads "No poor need apply here."?
RACHEL LEIGH COOK MUST HAVE BEEN BUSY
I was shocked at first to see that beer commercial about the two boys who decide to have sex because the party next door is making their bed shake---until I realized that the less-attractive boy was a girl. Has someone finally realized that the same ideas that work on men (use our product and you’ll get a hottie) can work on women? I never realized how prevalent the "average man with hot woman" premise was until my actress roommate pointed it out to me.
TODAY’S THEME: THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME
While conversing with a woman who is a gigantic Keanu Reeves fan ("I’d Fuck him blue," seems to come up in every conversation, no matter what), I realized that he probably isn’t gay. Why? Think about it. What gay man that pretty would keep getting flabby the way he does and dress as poorly? Yeah, he’s discovered Prada in the last few years, but always blows a nice outfit with lousy facial hair or ugly shoes. Only straight men fuck up like that. Let me put it another way: have you ever seen Tom Cruise look as poorly as you’ve seen Keanu? I rest my case.
SATAN CREATED THE MULLET, BUT NEVER WEARS ONE HIMSELF
Growing up in the 80’s, I hated Huey Lewis & The News with a white-hot passion. Granted, their first hit "Do You Believe In Love" remains a guilty pleasure (which Mutt Lange wrote) and if they’d just vanished after it, I might remember them fondly, but they continued on, torturing the airwaves for years. Much in the same way I touch canker sores with my tongue (canker sore, not cold sore---a canker sore is an ulcer in your mouth, the other is herpes) I watched their Behind the Music and actually came away with a begrudging respect (he repeatedly admits that he never thought they were the best band in the world) and realized the true reason behind my hatred: their mullets. Huey Lewis and The News wore mullets like they were the hippest things in the world, when they were exactly the opposite and it made my blood boil. Still does.
FICKLE, THY NAME IS WOMAN
So, I’m out with Chasing Amy yet again and we go to our favorite bar and stare at the hot waitress with the tattoos. Now, Chasing Amy likes her more than I, because I can’t get over the European dental work, but for her, the pierced tongue more than makes up for it. In any case, after an hour of analyzing her every movement trying to decide if she’s straight, gay or yet another annoying bisexual, Chasing Amy suddenly hates her. It seems that once I pointed out the Hot Tattooed Waitress knew she was hot (the tank top pinned up to be a midriff to show off the large wolf tattoo was the clue), C.A. didn’t like her anymore. Jeez, when your libido turns on a dime like that, I guess you have to be bisexual. Imagine waking up with her one morning and being informed that not only did she no longer like you, but your whole gender had to go.
WELCOME TO MY LIFE
As the years pass, I’ve grown accustomed to being short, fat and ugly, but recently it seemed worse than before. Everyone around me was tall, thin and obscenely pretty. Then I realized it was Fashion Week here in New York once again. As if we don’t have enough models traipsing around our streets regularly, now they’re all here making us all feel poorly about ourselves. I think this calls for some doughnuts. We’ll eat them on 7th Ave., and make those skinny bastards suffer.
THE LOVE THAT DARES NOT SPEAK ITS NAME, PT. 2
Finally, in keeping with the homoerotic bent of this week’s tirade, let’s discuss why I’ll be watching Ally McBeal for the next few weeks: Taye Diggs. I hate this goddamn show but I’ll still watch it because I love to watch Taye Diggs. Like George Constanza, I have a man crush. I’ll watch him in most anything---except when he dies, which is why I didn’t see Way of the Gun (he’s a bad guy, so I assume he dies) or House On Haunted Hill (in interviews he said he dies, though it turns out he doesn’t). I think it’s more I’d like to be him than anything (at least that’s what I’m telling myself). If I looked like that, I’d simply wear a kilt because I’d be having so much sex. Having to take of my pants constantly would be a pain, and believe me; I’d fuck everything that moved. I’d wreck marriages and ruin friendships in my humpathon. I’d start at the legal age and wouldn’t stop until I got to Goldie Hawn. Then, on to my retreat in Tibet to reflect.
2/5/2001
"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch." --- Orson Welles
MY FIRST WIFE WAS MORGAN FARICHILD
Still at number one is The Wedding Planner, cementing Jennifer Lopez as a freaking multimedia star and pissing Madonna the hell off. Come on, you know she’s stewing over the fact that someone who sings as poorly as she does has still had more movie hits and made better movies (Out of Sight is perfection). Not to mention being more popular with the average kid. This also saves Matthew McConanughey’s falling star and continues Brigitte Wilson Sampras’ role as the new Morgan Fairchild. You know, if you have a part for a beautiful, blonde, bitch to get dumped by the leading man for a warm brunette, she’s your go-to girl.
FROM THE GENIUS WHO BROUGHT YOU URBAN LEGEND
Opening against all odds at number two is Valentine and you have to wonder what exactly Denise Richard’s agent is thinking. She just did a Bond film and now she’s doing slasher pics? Isn’t this a step backwards, even for a silicone case like herself? As for David Boreanz, he’s just following in the footsteps of Buffy costar, Sarah Michelle Gellar and taking movie baby steps. Also in the cast is Kate Capshaw’s daughter. I’m sorry, but she couldn’t hit up stepdad for something better than this? Don’t give me this "I’ll make it on my own" bullshit. Helping you is what parents are for. For the rest of us, the world is too fucking cold and hard for such lofty ideas. This is the kind of crap that only the children of privilege believe in. Certain principles are expensive. Still, we’ll see how long it takes her to suddenly appear in a Dreamworks movie. Completely on her own merits, of course.
A MYSTERY LIKE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE
Castaway is at number three and like its main character, is surviving against all the odds. Just what is it people see in Tom Hanks that has pushed this 2 1/2 hour film over the $200M mark? Now, I refuse to see it on principle alone (one of those cheap principles).
IT’S THE DIRECTOR WHO LACKS SKILLS
Save The Last Dance is down to number four and this is yet another movie with a song title that has the song nowhere in the film. And it’s a good song this time. My apologies must go out to the male lead, as I suggested that a lame ass dance move performed in this film by his character was, in fact, done by a double. Turns out, he did it himself, so it was the sorry-ass editing that was at fault.
LET’S NOT KID OURSELVES
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is about to become the highest-grossing foreign film in American history so it’s time to get real. First off, given how Ang Lee is pretty much an American director now, is this really a foreign film? Was it ever NOT intended for US release? Of course not. And why are people ignoring the real reason for its success: the major league ass-whupping going on. No one is recommending this to their friends because of the wonderful emotional moments between Michele Yeoh and Chow Yun-Fat. No, they’re going for the catfight to end all catfights between Michele Yeoh and whatshername.
PATHETIC, I KNOW
It’s been over a month and I still haven’t seen Traffic, which is at number six, but I was right on time to see Head Over Heels, opening poorly at number seven. What can I say? I’m sad. I knew this was going to suck, but I had no idea the level of pain I was in for. How can a romantic comedy this lame not have Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock in it? I can’t believe this ever made it past the first screening of dallies (the stuff they look at the very day they shoot it). I can’t believe no one said, "Get me a re-write in here right now." But I guess on a $14M budget, that was out of the question. Hell, I would have done it for free, just to spare anyone the pain of sitting through this. When your funniest joke is actually a visual one of Monica Potter being humped by a Great Dane, you know you’re in trouble. The schizophrenic nature of this movie is at the heart of its problems. The story of a woman who thinks the man she’s dating may be a murderer, is torn between a Farrelly Brother’s taste for grossness (in addition to the Great Dane scene, there’s not one, but two scenes involving actual fecal matter and models, I kid you not) and a satire on supermodels (sometimes the latter actually works). Like an annoying bisexual, you just want it to pick a hole and go with it. Obviously, the movie is trying to be Foul Play, but only succeeds in reminding you just how good that movie had to be to survive both a Barry Manilow theme song and Chevy Chase!
LIKE ANYONE BUT THE ACCOUNTANTS CARE
Finding Forrester is down to number eight, followed by Snatch at number nine, suggesting that male stars both young (not that Brad Pitt is exactly young at freaking 38) and old are in trouble. After all, half the movies on this top ten are female starring films. Brad has Julia Roberts to save him this spring and maybe Catherine Zeta Jones had more to do with the modest success of Entrapment than we knew.
MORE LIKE HERSHEY THAN GODIVA
Chocolat is finally entering the top ten at number ten and this is not a very good movie, so I‘m sick of reading how it’s not getting the awards or nominations that it deserves. It doesn’t deserve shit. Any movie about chocolate that doesn’t leave me either horny or craving chocolate (let’s face it: chocolate is sex) is a failure and this movie failed on both counts, despite having a damn good-looking cast. One major aspect is the lack of color or warmth. It’s supposed to be winter when Juliette Binoche arrives (during Lent), but in the months that follow, it neither looks nor feels any warmer in the town. Nor does the dull gray tone of it all change, with the possible exception of the scenes with Johnny Depp (and don’t think I’m still not pissed about that lack of a good sex scene).
REALY FOREIGN
Speaking of being pissed about missing love scenes, In the Mood For Love finally opens for the masses (I saw it at the New York Film Festival last year) and in every interview with either the director or the two leads, the cut sex scene is mentioned. Damn it! How many times do I have to say it: what’s the point of casting good looking people if we’re not gonna see them do it!?! That aside, I was surprised to see this film is only 90 minutes long, ‘cause it sure felt longer to me.
GUESS WHAT ELSE WAS LEFT BEHIND
Not entering in the top ten was the Christian film Left Behind, which is about millions of people who suddenly vanish from the Earth, starring Kirk Cameron. Whatever.
I LOVE THE INTERNET, PART 267
One good thing about Head Over Heels is the song used in the commercial. It’s light, early-twentysomething girl pop about not understanding guys, but I liked it. I liked it so much, I spent almost an hour searching the Internet for it. The main website tells you nothing, because it’s not in the film (they use the Go-Go’s "Head Over Heels" rather than the superior Tears For Fears song of the same name). It sounded like Letters To Cleo, so I checked all their albums and was about to go to the other girly-voiced singers (Juliana Hatfield, Tanya Donelly) when I decided to just punch in the lyrics I remembered. Bingo! "Charm Attack" by Leona Naess, the 21 year old daughter of one of Diana Ross’ ex-husbands. I actually remember reading about her when this album came out, but never heard a thing. If you want to hear it and see the video, she’s got a website: www.leonanaess.com. After that, I downloaded all the various Super Friends theme songs, as well as theme songs from: Johnny Quest, Spiderman, Batman Beyond, Wonder Woman, Josie & The Pussycats (including the Outer Space version), SWAT, Starsky & Hutch, Streets of San Francisco and both years of Space: 1999 (which got a write up in the Sunday times).
BUT THE INTERNET CAN BE EVIL
There’s a German site that streams Traci Lords’ old porn flicks because they aren’t illegal there. No, I won’t tell you the address. I’m ashamed I even know it. This is the downside of knowing too many geeks. They tell you shit like this.
NOW WHO’S TO BLAME?
Premiering on HBO was Dancing in September, a movie about the rise and fall of a Black sitcom on a start-up network (i.e., The WB, UPN). Given that it’s obviously based on real events, you’d think it would be more interesting, but like most Black movies, it can’t help but be heavy-handed. This always happens when minority filmmakers (Black, Asian, Gay, etc…) are left to their own devices, they go overboard. They’re too intent on teaching, rather than entertaining or simply telling a fucking story. My mind shut down five minutes in, when the female lead, a writer on a network sitcom, decides to quote an African proverb in a meeting to get her point across. Now, outside of Africans, who the fuck knows any African proverbs? It doesn’t get much better after that. HBO may have gone to the river one too many times in its Black-oriented films. Time to move on to other minorities.
SFL: SHITTY FOOTBALL LEAGUE
This weekend also saw the debut of the XFL: Extreme Football League, a.k.a., Loser Football League, a.k.a., Has Been/Never Was Football League. This is so pathetic, you might just see me there in a couple of weeks (especially since they encourage you to date the cheerleaders). I watched about five minutes of it before turning to That’s Life. Not even the stripper, um, I mean the cheerleaders could keep me there. It was like high school football---without the energy.
GET FAT WEEK
Last week was restaurant week, so I pretended I could afford to eat $20+ lunches for a few days. First off was Asia de Cuba, which annoyed me instantly by being on the East Side and having that one little frosted door indicating its location. God forbid they lower themselves to having a fucking sign. Not helping matters was Blind Date 2001, who had invited me. She has shaped up to be so pretentious and affected that the only thing she’s was missing is a fake English accent. Still, the place was pretty and both the appetizer and dessert were excellent. The Cuban chicken, however, left me cold. Next was Tribeca Grill with Chasing Amy (actually saw the Jabba-The-Hutt-like Harvey Weinstein there). Better location, better dining companion, better food. The corn chowder with bits of lobster was a great appetizer, which gave way to hanger steak and spinach and a corn flan. I don’t even like spinach, but this was good. Finally, there was some sort of chocolate thing for dessert. Afterwards, I needed a nice nap, which is always the sign of a good meal. Finally, I was man and went to Gallagher’s Steakhouse alone. Not so great location (I live and work in midtown, so I’m quite sick of it) and the place was small on presentation. Pretty much kill it and grill it. Still the steak was tender enough to cut with a butter knife and the cheesecake dessert hit the spot (I’ve been jonesing for cheesecake for a week, but resisting). I tried to offset it all by going to the gym for four straight days (actually saw the tiny Nicholas Lea while leaving one night---he’s gotta be 5’5"), but I still managed to return to my all-time nacho-cheese eating high of 185. There are professional football players taller than me who still weigh less (Terrance Mathis of the Atlanta Falcons is 5’10" and weighs 180). Given that muscle weighs more than fat, what does that tell you? Yes, one day soon, I’ll look down and not be able to see my dick. How does Jack Nicholson live with it?
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