1. Blade II/New Line Wknd/$ 33.1 Total/$ 33.1

2. Ice Age/Fox Wknd/$ 31.1 Total/$ 88.3

3. E.T./Universal Wknd/$ 15.1 Total/$ 15.1

4. Showtime/Warner Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 26.9

5. Resident Evil/Sony Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 28.8

6. We Were Soldiers/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 61.7

7. The Time Machine/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 48.0

8. A Beautiful Mind/Universal Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$154.9

9. Sorority Boys/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 4.2

10. 40 Days & 40 Nights/Miramax Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 34.2

"Nothing is more humiliating than to see idiots succeed in enterprises we have failed in." --- Gustave Flaubert

BITE ME

Blade II opens at number one this week and the wardrobe budget for black leather and rubber alone must have been tremendous. Apparently, there’s a dress code for the undead and it doesn’t include any sort of color or cottons. Noted director Guillermo Del Toro takes the reins this time and adds at little more gore, but his attempts at pathos fall short. The first one was hardly "Ordinary People" but still had more of a human element that this one. And the fight scenes are sacrificed when they try to incorporate computer effects. Animals and toys are one thing, but people still look horrible and more than one fight scene is ruined when the actual combatants are replaced with jerky computer created figures. A crime when your cast includes Hong Kong buttkicker, Donnie "I’m Faster Than Bruce Lee" Yen, who is again, wasted in yet another American action movie (you have to get the director’s cut to Highlander: Endgame to see him kick ass there). Dude, learn from Jackie and Jet: if you’re not starring, you’re wasting your time.

‘CAUSE STUPID FOLKS IS FUNNY

Ice Age is down to number two and the funniest part in this movie is the dodo sequence. The main characters encounter a group of dodos that hysterically destroy themselves while trying to protect a melon. There’s also a gay rhino couple that apparently escaped the notice of the studio heads. That alone is funny.

AND JUST ELIMINATE A.I. ENTIRELY

E.T. reopens at number three and much has been made of the changes Spielberg made in this movie because "he’s a parent now." What a dickhead. Someone please tell me just what high school isn’t going to get shot up because in Spielberg’s fantasy world, cops don’t carry guns? Has he forgotten that part of any kid’s fantasy is interacting with adults as an equal? If he really wants to help his past films, why doesn’t he go back and take his wife out of Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom and put Karen Allen in her place?

WHO’S THAT SKINNY GUY WITH NICK NOLTE IN 48 HOURS?

Showtime is down to number four and Eddie Murphy is simply too old and too rich to convincingly play the hotheaded funny guy any longer. And he needs to stop working out so much or lay off the carbs. He’s actually bulky in this movie. This what happens as you hit middle age---your metabolism slows down, so you still build muscle, but you don’t burn fat off, leaving you with an extra layer you don’t want. Trust me on this one.

THIS IS HOW WE GET DOWN IN HOBOKEKN

Resident Evil is down to number five and co-star Michelle Rodriguiez was arrested for beating the crap out of one of her friends. Sigh. You can take the girl out of Jersey…

ETC.

We Were Soldiers is down to number six, followed by The Time Machine at number seven.

MORE MONEY FOR OPIE

A Beautiful Mind hangs in strong at number eight and last night’s wins are sure to keep it here.

IT’LL BE SELF-DEFENSE, I PROMISE

Sorority Boys opens at number nine and whose idea was this? More importantly, who thought it was worth producing? Who signed the checks to get it made? We have to find all of them and kill them so they can never do it again.

THE END

Finally, 40 Days and 40 Nights closes out the top ten at number ten.

BECAUSE NO ONE FANTASIZES ABOUT A GREAT CITY IN KANSAS

Like most humans, I can’t completely ignore the things that annoy me. I press bruises, pick at scabs and touch the canker sore in my mouth with my tongue (canker sore, not cold sore; a cold sore is herpes, a canker sore is an ulcer). This is why I never miss an episode of Smallville. I sit there, I watch it and I just work myself up into an angry geek frenzy. Still, the occasional bit makes me smile. Last week it was John Schneider, who plays Jonathan Kent, listening to the Dukes of Hazzard theme song in his truck as the show opened. That alone made me forgive the next hour of pain. Metropolis is not in fucking Kansas! It has always been a city on the East Coast for the entire existence of Superman comics!

YES, I AM A FATTIST

I gave Andy Richter Rules the Universe a shot. It has funny moments, but I’ve got a serious problem with fat guys getting hot girls. It’s just not flying in my universe. And don’t tell me I’m being harsh. This is Andy Richter’s show, but notice how he’s failed to cast any fat girls as the objects of his desires.

YOU GREW UP IN SHOW BUSINESS AND YOU CAN’T TELL?

The Osbournes continues to be the best show on TV, but will someone please tell little Kelly that no one thinks that guy is her boyfriend. He couldn’t be more freaking gay. And her brother better thank god for this show. It’s the only thing stopping him from a case of terminal virginity. It’s a well-known fact that any kind of stupid fame will get you laid and I don’t think it was happening before this. I don’t care if he’s a star’s kid. He’s still a little freak.

IF SHE INTERVIEWED BRIDGET FONDA, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT

I flicked back and forth between The Rude Crone (Joan Rivers) and The Stupid Crone (Barbara Walters) to see Sarah Jessica Parker and Halle Berry. I swear, E! gets more in depth than Barbara Walters. And that lighting! Is there anyone who doesn’t know that she’s an ugly old bat? And I can’t believe Matthew Broderick is going bald and is doing a combover! And one more time: it was minor R&B star Christopher Williams (the pretty boy Wesley Snipes stabs in the hand in New Jack City) who slapped Halle Berry around. Why she won’t say his name I don’t know. Who remembers him?

FALL FROM GRACE

Wasn’t Gabrielle Anwar one of the ingenues of the moment a few years back? Now, there she is doing contact lens commercials. That’s gotta hurt. Thought not as much as Freddy Boom Boom Washington weighing little blue aliens in that Sony commercial, or MC Hammer doing car loan ads.

INDEPENDENTLY BORING

The IFP Spirit Awards aired the night before the Oscars and proved that Awards shows are all still awards show, no matter how they strip it down and try to pretend how irreverent it all is. John Waters was the only saving grace. Well that and the routine about how it’s easier to get laid after a date when seeing a mainstream film than seeing an indie film (which isn’t true; indie film chicks are notoriously easy). And what’s with all the bleeping? This is cable. Indie film cable, no less. First, no one is watching. Second, if they are, they don’t fucking care.

RECAP…AS LONG AS THE SHOW ITSELF

Ridley Scott telling Joan Rivers it’s all about the script. WHAT FUCKING BULLSHIT! Ridley Scott is the patron-fucking saint of style over substance. Half the crappy directors today were weaned on fucking Blade Runner. The man is a plague on storytelling…Sidney Poitier’s daughters are amazing…Glenn Closer looking older, but strangely better than she ever has before…Hugh Jackman and his wife. It must be real love, ‘cause he’s a whole lot prettier than she is, but he can’t dress for shit. He can’t even wear a tux properly…Jennifer Connelly. Honey, with breasts that big, you need the kind of support that a strapless gown simply cannot allow for. And for someone who’s nominated for acting, she plays dumb about being nominated in the wrong category very poorly…why won’t Halle Berry and her husband, Eric Benet, make a video so it can be stolen and we can see two painfully gorgeous people doing the wild thing?…Jennifer Lopez with the dumb mom hair ‘cause she’s pregnant. What can I tell you? I know people…Sharon Stone is not aging well…Nicole Kidman looking great, but too dumb to know that she did do a comedy: To Die For…Something must be wrong with me, because I actually thought Helen Hunt looked sexy…Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant making some exec at Listerine come in his pants by mentioning how much they like those breath strips on live TV…love, love, love the E! spots with actors doing routines in the mirror. Again I’m reminded Tootsie is on DVD and I have yet to buy it…Julia Roberts is so plain and she’s not getting any better looking as she gets older. What is wrong with people that they think she’s so good looking!?!…Someone make Owen Wilson get a nose job if for no other reason than to remove that nasal quality from his voice. A sequel to Shanghai Noon? Why god, why?…Okay, now ABC has forced everyone else off, so I’ll watch them. Ananda Lewis looks like crap and is dumb to boot. Honey you were given a big ass so you wouldn’t have to open your mouth…Uma Thurman is definitely breast feeding, judging by the way she was spilling out of that dress…Elijah Wood still looks eight. All of you men and women who want to have sex with him are sick…Someone give Renee Zellweger a sandwich, a protein shake, something!…Cameron Diaz cannot help but look skanky. What’s wrong with her? Or right with her, if you like that sort of thing (and many men do)…Tom Cruise’s speech was the best acting he’s ever done…As usual, the funniest bit about Whoopi is what she’s wearing…Jennifer Connelly sounds like an 8-year-old at a public recital while accepting her award…I still love Cindy Crawford and that Pepsi commercial reminds me why…Cirque du Soeil? Why?…Shrek!?! Shrek sucked!…Jim Broadbent won? The only real shock. Ian McKellen doesn’t mind. He’s got his very young boy toy to console him. Dirty old man…Is it just me or was that group Black actors in the Sidney Poitier tribute kinda small? More than a few missing. What’s up with that?…Paul McCartney actually looked pretty good…Randy Newman finally won with one of his crappy songs, but all the songs nominated sucked…Gwyneth, Cameron Diaz can pull off that braless look, not you. And what’s with the heroin chic makeup?…Travolta looking tanned, rested and ready to make more bad movies…Halle Berry? This is because of all the freaking actors. If not for the SAG Awards she wouldn’t have won. She won for the sex scene. It was the only real, raw moment in the movie…Denzel won because Russell Crowe made an ass of himself two weeks ago…everyone loves Opie (forget Richie Cunningham; he’ll always be Opie to me) and it was a good movie, not as good as some of the others it beat, but still good. And is it just me or does Brian Grazer look like that creature in Beetlejuice who burned to death?

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