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These are my Thoughts



Come into my thoughts with me.....


Updated Last: August 20,1999

Seeing that time has passed
now I realized how much of a fool I was to believe so many lies
those's I thought had loved me,never really did
those I gave my heart to crushed it so easily

Sometimes I have that closing in feeling...
Where is like I am losing everything in just a spilt second...everything I thought knew..was wrong..
Its like a knife cutting at my heart to realize how fake everything was
Every smile..They smiled..Every laugh..They laughed..It was only to fool me
And I wonder what would make someone do something like that?? What is it inside of us that make us hurt others especially thoses we love and care most for..

I think today life has changed forever..Memories just haunt you..Ever wonder why we always remember
the most painful things..its like no matter how are you try to forget
or to get over it you never can..it stays drilled in the back of your mind
forever to taunt you..and laugh at you..knowing it has brought you back down
just when things start to get good..all those bad things seem to appear again..

Today I have lost something special to me...but today it was no longer what it use to be
for it had changed..it evolved into something cold and hurtful..for if I could still
cry..I would have cried and ocean today.. but I have lost all emotions
for I no longer feel..I am empty inside..memories haunt me turning me to
believe something I knew deep inside was never meant to be..for I am to broken
I am a lost cause..I try to remember how to smile today for I fear I have
forgotten how...it seems to hurt to laugh..today's sorrow has scared me deep
I fear this scar will never heal..I only wished I could have made that someone
see how much they meant to me..but as for today,tomorrow,and forever after
they will be without me...I miss you so..I miss the you that once loved me back
now that is gone..and so are you..I am so sorry..if you had only really knew
maybe you'd be here today..still loving me till forever runs out...

This thought is to my very best friend Loner..I am sorry for always dragging
you through everything..it just your the only one who never leaves no matter
what unless of course I really piss you off hehe..but I know in the end you'll
forgive me because I am so damn loveable right??? ~thinks~ I am right arent I?
well any how thank you for always putting up with my crap and listening to
me freak out... :O) you know I love you ~hugs~ wouldnt know what to do
without you...

If you had the chance to go back and change everything..a chance to fix the wrong
you done..would you?? would you really?? I think one time I had that chance
but instead of jumping quickly and taking it..I let it go..in thoughts of what
if I go back and only make things that much worse..
or to just totally relive it having forgotten I was to change it
fear of making things worse I think is what keeps me here..
only the fear

I always wanted to live in the Fantasy
world..where love could be real..and would last
to be swept off your feet..and your world to become your dreams..
but I have finally woke up..to realize those could only be dreams


I am so sorry to everyone one I've hurt either by words or actions
I never meant to hurt any of you..I just wanted everyone to be happy
but in the end I just make other miserable and sad..I am so sorry
especially to those I truely love.. so sorry you'll never know how
exactly sorry I am..I never meant to hurt you..if I could
I never hurt another soul..I am so sorry...please just find it in
your hearts to forgive me..I'll hope that someday you will...

I sit here all day just to stare at an empty screen hoping
something good will happen..ha I am a joke..the more I sit here...
the more I realize how much life just screws you over
and laughs in your face..anything good that happens...something twice as bad
must happen..to change that smile upon your face back to the frown
everyone I love never believes a damn word I say...they say they do
but then the next minute they doubt everything I stand for...
they doubt everything I ever said..why??? because I got quiet
because maybe I just didnt want to talk then..because why??
because I am not strong enough..to constantly fight to make them believe
what I say is true...My love is strong..my love never dies
for anyone I love to doubt I love them..I am sorry you have so
little faith in me...laugh at me now...laugh through your tears laugh
through your rage..sooner or later you'll realize my love is deep
hate me if you want..love me but I warn you now you'll probably
be hurt like everyone else who loves me or whom I love..
I wasnt cut out for love..but I do love any how..the best I
can..sometimes I dont always show it..but its always there
someday I hope no one will doubt my love for them...like they
do now..trust your heart..and trust in me to know I wouldnt
hurt you intentionally..and when I do or have hurt you I am sorry
for honestly I never mean to..because I know how it feels to hurt...


The best thoughts come to you before you sleep..then disappear
before you get to save them forever...

Watch what you say..for words can scar permanently..damage
you may never be able fix..so just try to think before you speak
or someday you could really hurt someone..never meaning to..
words can cause more pain then anything else in this world..

I am forever to be that outsider looking it..it like I am cursed
..cursed to never fit in anywhere to be always looking out
the wrong side of the window of life..I am that disease
that can never be healed..I am that thought that you can
never remember but you knew it once..but rather then figure
it out you just walk away..like it was never there..as I
lay shattered upon the floor of life..I am that welcome mat
that you always dry your feet upon..but you never see my pain
never hear my desperate cries..you just forget me like everyone
else..just put me back upon that dusty shelf..broken and tainted
with lost dreams..Memories faded for yes I feel cheated some how
I feel I must have been dreaming one day and I missed something
that was all to important...

Love..its a word I hear alot...love is so awfully painful..
maybe its just that what I thought I had wasnt really what I
thought it was..then I suppose that makes it hurt just a tad bit more
I know what it is I want..but I feel that is something I can
never have..
I have no one anymore..because I could not understand..I tried
I so tried..but I just couldnt do it..I held on as long as my
heart would allow..but my heart was weak..I let go..maybe they just
couldnt ever understand me...from two different worlds..
two different dreams that had seemed close the same dream
but when I awake I realized you just can't fit..so tears
I cry now are for my own selfishness,for never being able to understand
yes even now I shall forever stand alone..for today,tomorrow,and forever..

Ok maybe my last thought about being alone forever was wrong...but sometimes I feel
like its true for its like I am broken inside..and no one understands..I try to explain
but they just can't ever seem to understand..I guess I am to compliated
to sad I suppose..maybe I dont smile enough to please everyone..well you
know what I am not here to please other so what I am not happy 24/7..but I am happy
sometimes so those are the ones you appreciate dont shove it in my face that I
look mean or depressed..because untill your in MY mind you dont really know unless
I come right out and tell you what I am thinking or feeling..well I had a friend tonight pretty
much do that that hurt..not only did they shove in my face when I am down..they had to make some
big deal out of the one smile I did smile..like that really makes me want to
smile more~each word reeking of sarcasm~ they are suppose to be my friend..They should act it..
well they shouldn't kick you when your already down..then on top of it try to tell you
who you do and dont love..you know what I dont know if friendships are worth
it..((not referring to you Sad)) maybe some day i'll understand people better..

Screw this world..it has screwed me over..Love dont love me..hold me..just push
me away..cry..just forget me..just leave me to die in my own mind..never hold
me again..never reach for me again..let me fade just like my memories..let me die
in my own hell..forget me..hate me..never care for me..never feel me..only feel
my hate,pain,rage,suffering,tears...then forget me...







Broken Heart

"My Last"
Lost in memories
the last kiss I felt upon my lips
if only I had known it would be my last
how I would have made it last
my last embrace ever to be felt
if only I had known
forever I would have held on
my last smile
if only I had known
how I would have made it shine brighter
my last I love you slipped passed my lips
if only I had known
I said it louder
my last laugh
if only I had known
I would have cherished it more
my last tear
if only I had known
I would die then
maybe I would have held it in a little longer...