For those of you who were looking for a Christian site: Welcome and hello. My name is Julie. I am a straight forward honest woman who is ready to get honest with God. God willing, my talent of writing will finally be put to good use.

I was raised in a open and loving household where I am the baby of the family. Wait. Let me clarify that! My Dad is a bear, quick tempered with a mean streak a mile wide. He has a code of honor though. He never swears in front of a lady. Is a very good provider, and his word is gold. My mother never has an unkind word to say about a soul. They have always loved me. Did their best for me. My mother is a huger and a kisser. I was in my 20's the first time my dad ever told me he loved me. I almost had a heart attack!

It is my sisters and brother who spoiled me rotten. My sister Kathy is my best friend. She'd kill for me or die trying to save me. She is 13 years older than me and practically raised me. My open attitude towards sex comes from her. We aren't whores mind you, we are just willing to talk about sex openly with each other. We don't think it's dirty or evil. We do know that if you can not abstain, you should marry. Only reason mentioned in the Bible for marriage!

Then there is Rusty! My brother, Rusty. 18 years my senior. Mmm, well I love him, but the truth is the truth! Russ is the epitome of a womanizer. Everything I learned about the wrong type of man... I owe to my brother Russ. He is tall, dark, handsome, a good provider, can sing and dance, is highly intelligent, suave and a He-Whore. The man makes up pick up lines on the spot! Always original and true! He has that ability. He also is unfaithful, has a different woman in bed nightly and and is an alcoholic. I stay away from smooth talking, God's gift to women excessive drinkers.
UPDATE ON RUSS: Russ is trying to stop drinking. Even attends AA meetings. Please pray for him.

Linda is my oldest sister, 16 years older. Linda is a Born- Again. She started the quest to perfection when I was 7 I believe. Linda is like Midas. Everything she touches turns to gold. She is also my God Mother. She has always been there when I needed her. Always will be. Lin is a Prayer Warrior. Her daughter Tanya is one as well.

Tanya is blessed. Wonderful husband, three children and one on the way, a beautiful home. She home schools her children. She is a home-maker in every sense of the word. Sews, cooks, bakes, and on top of all that she has the gift of prophetic dreams.

I'll mention my other 3 brothers: Rick, Bruce and Gary. They have had the least influence on me. My brother Rick was a big time hippie. Lived off the land for a while... now he lives in Omaha and is big into American Indian rituals. He too is a Christian. As is Kathy.

They are all my half brothers and sisters. My mother was married to Rick, Russ, Linda, and Kathy's dad. My dad produced Bruce and Gary in his first marriage. I am a product of their union. Both my parents were Catholic, before they divorced their fist spouses and were excommunicated from the church. My mother does not believe in Jesus at all. She thinks, as the Jews do, that Jesus was a bastard and the whole story was a cover up. She made me go to church though. She has never forced her beliefs on any of us. Besides, she loved to watch me sing on Sundays at St. Lukes Church in the Choir.

I was born and raise in Catskill, NY spending two months of every year in Miami Fla, until I was 10. I've lived in Greene County most of my life, with the exception of six weeks where I lived in Melbourne Australia, and two months in Danville Kentucky. Thank you Lord for bringing me home to Catskill! Kentucky is not for me. Now, Australia, that's a different story!

I met my husband in Jr. High. I don't remember him much back then. He remembers me though. It wasn't until 10th grade that I started going steady with him. His best friend was going with my best friend... they hooked us up. He was the typical bad boy. Long hair, come and go as you please, into drugs and heavy rock and roll, and, (as my parents considered him), white trash. He was fascinating to a spoiled from the heights rich brat, as I was back then. He was dark, almost satanic. Intelligent, street wise with an aura of mystic that I was drawn to. It was my ignorance of the other side of the tracks. I know that now. I was curious about how the other side lived.

To keep me away from my boyfriend, my parents made arrangements for me to join the Ex-Change Student Program. They accepted me. I was thrilled, but also worried about leaving my boyfriend for so long. SO! To keep him interested, I gave him myself as a going away present. I had to end the year long stay within six weeks. You got it. I was pregnant. It was a nightmare. Being in a strange land, living with strangers. I had just cost my parents a lot of money. The whole thing was to separate my boyfriend and me. I felt so bad. On the ride back from Kennedy airport the tension was thick. My parents looked like they had aged twenty years in six weeks. So when my mother made arrangements for me to have an abortion, I went along with it. That was the single most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with. I finally made peace with my unborn child and God as well. I carried a lot of guilt. I ended up married to my boyfriend, so we just would have had four children instead of three. Well, he is just as much to blame. He never stepped forward to ask me to marry him or suggested any kind of positive solution for that matter.

My parents got their wish though. I did stop seeing him. I was angry with him for not stepping forward. Then some friends told me he was living like a hermit and was playing music that reminded him of me. Yea. I'm a sap. I went to his house and asked him when we were getting married. He said, "Name it. I'll be there." How romantic. I asked my husband to marry me. Worse! I bought the rings, he couldn't afford them. I found us an apartment and had everything turned on, in my name of course. Then I decided I wanted to married on Valentines Day. I arranged that to as well as the reception. All he had to do was show up. It was September though. February is five months away. So, we lived together for those five months. I conceived our daughter on a trip. Mescaline to be exact. Around September 12th. After I found I was expecting, I found God. I was terrified, that the drugs I did up until I learned I was pregnant, would give me a deformed or mentally retarded child. To my surprise, my daughter is highly intelligent. Bright, quick witted, sure of herself and self reliant. She amazes me. To think I brought such a beautiful person into this world! It just goes to show you that God is good and gracious. He is a loving God.

Then I died. Not really. It was a bad trip. I felt like I was experiencing Death. I had death chills and couldn't get warm to save my soul. Perhaps that is what happened. My soul was jeopardy. I heard voices and was told all sorts of things. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. "It was the drugs! Then tell me why my husband heard them too! Same exact words. Freak ed us both out. He handled it though. Accepted the message revealed to him. I rejected it. I have a hard time believing the Bible is backwards. That it is Satan's handbook. I know that it has more killing associated to it and in it than any other book ever written. I also know it is quite warped to believe that a loving God would allow all that is mentioned in that book to happen. I also know: Who am I to question it?

Anyway, I pledged my soul to God that weekend. Feb. 2nd and 3rd 1983. Haven't tripped or did a hard drug since. Pot, well, I use to be a pot head too. That caused flash backs though, so I laid off that as well. Actually, the last flash back I had I said the Lords Prayer, combined with the 23rd Psalm. It's hard to explain what happened. I'll have to write about it some day. Lets just say that Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world!

I studied with the Jehovah Witnesses for a year. I still heard voices though. They didn't like me doing that. They told me if I didn't shape up and fly right they were going to take my son away from me. He was 17 months old then. I blew them off. My son was hit by a car six months later. I was suppose to have a Witness Bible study that day. Last time I even considered becoming a Witness. I spent hours on my knees in the chapel making all sorts of deals with God if he would allow my son to live.

My son is 14 now and is physically challenged as well as mentally challenged, but he's alive and doing great in school. He has a great personality and is a good looking kid. Thank you Jesus! The guilt from equals the murder of my first child though. I still have a hard time with March 9th. My son was taken from me on that day. In his place is a new person, I love him just as much as the old, but I did this to him. I zigged when I should have zagged. It's as simple and as horrible as that. I made a mistake. One my husband will never forgive me for.

Somewhere in between Corey's rehabilitation, laser surgeries and the tracheotomy or reconstructive surgery on his airway, I had my third and finale child. Michael. Michael is all boy and Michael was God's idea. We were using birth control, God had other plans. I had my tubes tied the day after Michael was born. All my children have been dedicated to Jesus. While they were in my tummy and at their birth. Really angered my husband, but God comes first. They were all God's idea anyway. I just happened to be there and available when he decided he wanted these three souls born into the world. Also goes to show you that birth control doesn't always work! Not when God has other plans! Then came my Wiccan months. Well, after pledging your life to One God, it is very hard to feel comfortable worshipping several lesser gods and a Goddess. I simply couldn't do it. It felt wrong. As does reading my horoscope or having my tarot cards read. My daughter's best friend's mother is psychic. She's good too. BUT the Bible clearly states that we are not to look to the future. We are to look heavenward!

I guess you can say that I believe in the Bible. Face value. Everything is taking as God spoke it. I believe in Jesus. I also know that I am a fence walker. WELL, I was. I keep the ten commandments and do unto others... It took me 10 years to leave my husband. The Bible is clear on divorce as well. I made a deal with God. So, I must be His. He kept his part of the deal, I just need to keep mine. Mine is to trust in Him, and to live by his rules. They're hard rules though! Well, with the Lord's help I should be able to maintain my walk. God willing!

Being married for 17 years, to a non believer, and knowing he is not your soul mate, well, it's lonely. I know. Perhaps he is saved through me. We have three children as well. Our daughter lives at home with me, she is 17. Our boys, 10 & 14, live with their him. I couldn't take the mental and verbal abuse. My husband will always be disappointed and angry with me for Corey's accident. What makes it all the more painful is, I did bring this all on myself. I was warned.

I dedicated my life to Jesus when I was three. I have always belonged to God. I have been baptised in spirit and water. I believe in Jesus and the word of God. I believe we are called and have a purpose in God's plan. I took matters into my own hands, and am now paying the consequences.

Is it wrong for me to be looking for a man who's head covering is God and is willing to be my head covering. Someone who lives by the ten commandments and has excellent communication and reasoning skills. Or do I have to remain with a man who dislikes me intensely?

I love to dance and sing. Praise and worship is what I was born to do. I enjoy God's world. The great out of doors is so amazing to me. I love the water. Listen to tunes and writing. Am I to stay with a man who hates that about me? He calls me brainwashed and blind. He has no respect for me and doesn't even seem to like me, let alone love me. What makes it even more intolerable is, he is teaching our boys how to treat women. I have no respect for the man. He is a poor provider. A very selfish man. A small man. He has no forgiveness in him. He hordes his slights and pain like they are precious jewels. He is so angry with me. I made a mistake. Must he throw that in my face every chance he gets? Every time I look at my son I see that. I'm sorry. Can we get over that and move on to how we are going to get the boy through life with out any more hardships and pain?

Since I have separated myself from my husband I have been working at bettering myself. I am a freshman at CGCC. I am working on a degree in Business Management with a computer foundation. I am trying to break my habit of smoking. With God's help I will. I write romance novels in my spare time. I am looking towards a future of serving God, better than I have.


Is there anyone out there who can relate? Care to share how you are surviving? I believe in commitment, but I can only take so much abuse. I am steadfast, loyal and true. It just hurts being dislike so much by the one I am loyal too. I am brutally honest, not at all tactful. If you want to know something, ask... but don't ask if you really don't want to know! You may not really want to hear the truth... and that's how I tell it is to my eyes! Unless I don't think you should know. I'll tell you that too!

As the moon rises, for a moment it looks to rest in a willow tree.
As they gently weep together I search for surprises.
A tall, dark, beautiful kindred spirit...
Looking for his woman, his soul mate.
Yes, that would be a surprise.
My dream's reality, at sunrise.
When the day breaks, but my heart does not.

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