The summer days I spent bonding with the person I adored passed us by so quickly. We took too many drives around town, sometimes risking tickets and speeding to get away from “teenyboppers on wheels”. The beach was imprinted with millions of our footprints from the times we had spent frolicking around, enjoying our youth. While Taylor and Isaac stayed in their hotel, sometimes all day, banging and strumming away on their instruments, Zac and I were in bathing suits on the beach, talking, writing poetry (and in his case, songs), and occasionally taking a long dip in the sea.
One day, after spending another endless day of pure joy with Zac, I laid down in my room, in the bed beside Reenie, smiling as she poked her peaked little head out from under the covers. “Hey, Reen. How’ve you been lately, girl?” My little sister, who was only four, crawled under my arm and curled herself up. She leaned her head against my breast as she closed her eyes, exhausted. “I can hear your heart beating.” The small, fragile voice whispered. For some reason, my eyes began to flood at that. I could remember days before, where I had thought my heart was ailing, dying, like it no longer beat. I had felt so dead. And now, here was somebody, a real person, one of the kinds I had shut out because of fear; they were telling me I was alive. I began to stroke Reenie’s tiny head, running my fingers through her hair.
“Do you love me?” I put my finger under her chin, lifting her head to meet my eyes. “Yes, Reenie, more than anything. You’re my little sister, and I will always love you.” She smiled and stuck out her pinky. “Promise?” I nodded, locking my pinky with hers. “Yes, I promise. Always.” Immediately, her face fell. I could tell that something was terribly wrong. “Abby?” Holding her closer, I waited. “Yeah?” Reenie stared out into the darkness beyond the window. “Do you love Zac?” That completely caught me off guard. I stopped breathing for a moment, afraid of answering wrong. I had to come up with the best explanation I could. “I do love Zac. He’s my friend; I’ve known him forever. Why?” She remained against me, unable to look me in the eyes. “Do you love him more than me?” She seemed so heartbroken. I shook my head, wiping some tears from my eyes. “No, honey. God, no. I love him unconditionally, no matter what, but not like I love you. Don’t you ever think that I love anybody more than you. Zac’s my friend, not my sister. I love you so much, little baby bird.” She pulled away. “I love you too. But he makes you so happy. I can tell. Happier than me. You used to cry before he came back. I made you sad. He makes you happy. Don’t let him leave.” I was now overwhelmed completely. This was so shattering—she thought that she had made me sad. She blamed herself for my foolishness, my stupidity—or perhaps what no one could help. I burst into tears and held her again, unable to take the guilt of feeling responsible for this.
“Oh, my God, Reenie, I love you so much. You never, ever, in a million years made me sad—not even once. It was my own fault I cried. I made bad choices…they were never your fault. Don’t you ever say that again. Ever, Reenie. I love you so much.” I cradled her in my arms then, though I was exhausted and weak. I hadn’t realized what I had been doing to my family, to my friends, to the ones that I loved. I was such a monster. That, I decided, was the beginning of the end.
In the morning, I was surprised to find Reenie still dozing in my arms, her petite body lame and delicate. I stood up slowly, still holding her, and placed her carefully back into her bed, tucking her in. She still had a few good hours of sleep.
Gazing at my little porcelain doll of a sister, I began to choke on tears again. She was so young and so precious, so innocent, the way I had been once. I couldn’t believe what I had become. I could only pray she wouldn’t become the demon that I was.
I walked into the bathroom, shut the door behind me, turned on the water, and began to strip down. It wasn’t long before the room was filled with a warm, pleasant, steamy mist. The sound of the water pooling in the bottom of the tub warmed me inside, along with the song the birds sang outside. I slipped down under the water, holding my breath. Sometimes I swore that, if I held my breath long enough, I would pass out and die. Maybe I could do just that today. Or at least try. My eyes were in their usual, pretty much natural state; red, bloodshot, and swollen from crying. I wasn’t a pretty girl because of this. I always had the memories of the terror and the hysteria, the emotions that I had felt while I was crying, emblazoned in my eyes, for everyone to see. Yet nobody wanted to look. So I cried more and more everyday, and then both regretted and feared it. There were moments when I still swear I was losing my mind.
I emerged from the water, letting it trickle down my face and neck. More steam rose around me, trapping me, in a way. It was hard to breathe through the dry heat, especially since I was out of breath to begin with. I stood up quickly, letting myself take in some air, and then turned to stand under the shower.
The bath water burned at my knees as I lathered my hair and body with shampoo and soap, then let it slide from me into the tub. The faucet spit the satin liquid at me as I twirled beneath it. I imagined myself back in the ocean, with Zac, as a child, swimming beneath the waves. It was such a memory. Serenity, peace, and tranquility corroded me, the way pain usually did, and I began to dream.
Laughter filled the air, my mind, my memory. It was an unmistakable laughter; the laughter of angels. I could smell the sand and the salt all around me, feel the earth beneath my feet, the wind in my hair, the sun against my body. And then, the laughter stopped. I felt Zac’s touch again, and I didn’t understand. It was then that I opened me eyes and saw the blood. In the waves, being washed away…the blood, everywhere. I had the knife in my hand, and my arm was open…
I screamed so loud. Inside, I was scared as hell, fearing that it was happening again. But, as I awoke from my dream, still naked and alone, in the shower, under the water. I shut the water off and climbed out of the tub, onto the bathroom floor. I fell onto the robe and towel I had laid out for myself in a heap and began to cry once again. There was so much confusion locked inside of me…all of it spilling out now, into my heart again. And still, nobody was there for me. Through my spell of hyperventilation, I thought of dying. I wondered what was happening, where I was…how I was still alive. I had known this would happen. The whole damn time, I had realized that I was slipping. Now, I had fallen.
Chapter 7-Fear
