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"If humor was the foundation of my life, men were definitely the first floor"

    -Gilda Radner

"Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb"

                                   -Gilda Radner

"Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end."

                         -Gilda Radner

"Doctors are whippersnappers in ironed white coats

who spy up your rectums and look down your throats

And press you and poke you with sterilized tools

And stab at solutions that pacify fools.

I used to revere them and do what they said

Till I learned what they learned on was already dead."

                                       -poem by Gilda Radner



"It just goes to show ya, it's always something"

                                   -Roseanne Roseannadanna

"Oh. That's very different. Never Mind"

                   -Emily Litella

"That's so funny I forgot to laugh!"

                    -Lisa Loopner

"Or a wanted poster with a signed confession"

                                   -Kate Hellman (Hanky Panky)

"Autumn Fizz, the carbonated douche"

                                        -SNL parodie commercial

"I would like to stick the parallel bar in her eye"

                       -Olga Korbut

What's all this fuss I hear about endangered feces?  That's outrageous.  Why is feces endangered?  How can you possibly run out of such a thing? Just look around you - you can see it all over the place.  And besides, who wants to save that anyway?

What's all this fuss I hear about making Puerto Rico a steak?  Let me warn all of you: if you make Puerto Rick a steak, the next thing they'll want is a baked potato-with sour cram and chives and little bacon bits.  And then they'll probably want a salad bar!  Why, they'll be lined up for miles!

What's all this fuss I hear about 1976 presidential erections?  I know that they erected a monument for Mr. Lincoln and President Washington, but that's because they're dead!  Hopefully, the 1976 president won't be dead, so he won't need and erection!

What's all this fuss I hear about pouring money into canker research?  How much can you learn about a tiny sore inside your face!  Why waste your money, America?  Cankers can be beaten.  Don't eat grapefruit.  And if you do have cankers, don't fiddle with them.  Keep your fingers out of your mouth!


Did you ever stub your big toe on the car or drop something heavy on your foot and the toenail on the big toe turns different colors like purple and brown and green and then it hangs there and falls off in your sock?  And you're left with a toe with no nail and a sock that has a nail in it.

Did you ever find a thing between your teeth and you don't know what it is?  You look at it and you play with it on your fingers.  And you say, "What is this thing?  I don't remember eating that."  And then you flick it away or wipe it under the chair.

You know what roughage is?  That's the food that goes right through you like a fast train and drags other stuff along with it so they don't hang around too long to rot and stink up your insides.  Imagine, if you could, the inside of your body as a big, long curving pipe like under a sink, with all these ugly germs and pieces of red meat and diet soda and Twinkies and monosodium glutamate and stuff sittin' there clogging up everything.  But then this roughage stuff, like a piece of carrot, comes along just like a can of Liquid Plumr and it cleans out everything.

Let me ask you this:  Did you ever eat a hamburger and there's a hard thing in it?  It's like a toenail.  You know it's not part of the hamburger, but you separate the meat and the lettuce and the pickle all on one side of your mouth and finally on your tongue you get this little thing. And it's like a bone...but it's not a bone.  I keep asking myself, Roseanne Roseannadanna, if they can make a coffee I like without caffeine, how come they can't make a hamburger I like with no toenails?