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Bad Guy's Tips to Survive in Doctor Who's Universe.

Here are some tips to follow if you're attempting to take over the universe and a strange clothed man with a British accent and a blue police box starts nosing into your affairs.

1)Give your Legions of Terror helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face concealing ones.

2)Make your ventilation ducts to small to crawl through.

3)Shooting is NOT to good for your enemies.

4)The artifact which is the source of all your power should not be kept on the Mountion of Dispair past the River of Fire. Just stick it in your safty deposit box. The same aplies to the one artifact which is your weekness.

5)Do not gloat over your enemies pradicament before killing them.

6)When you've captured your adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me will you tell me what this is all about?" say, "No." and shoot him. On second thoughts shoot him and then say, "No."

7)Do not include a self distruct mechanism unless absolutly necessary. If it is necessary, don't make it a large red button labled, "Danger, Do Not Push." The big red button marked, "Do Not Push," should instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch should not be clearly labled as such.

8)Do not interogate you enemies in your inner sanctom--a small hotel on the edge of your borders will do just as well.

9)Try to be secure in your superiority so that you won't feel a need to prove it in the form of riddles or leaving your enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

10)Make one of your advisors an average 5 year old child. Any flaws in your plan that he is able to spot should be corrected imediatly.

11)All slain enemies should be cremated, or at least have several round of amuniton emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their death, along with any celebration should be defered until after the afformentioned disposal.

12)The hero is not alowed a last meal, a last cigarette or any other form of last request.

13)Never employ any device with a digital countdown. If you find that such a device is absolutly unavoidable, set it to go off at 117 when the hero is just starting to put his plan into action.

14)Never utter the sentence, "Before I kill you there's just one thing I want to know."

15)When you employ people as advisors, occasionally listen to their advice.

16)Dispite it's proven stress-relieving effect, do not indulge in maniacle laughter. When so occupied, it's to easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

17)No matter how tempted you are with the prospect of unlimited power, do not consume any energy field bigger than your own head.

18)Maintain a realistic assessment of your strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least you will never utter the words, "No! This cannot be! I am invenciable!" After this, death is usually intintanious.

19)No matter how well it might preform, never construct any machinery which is completly indistructable except for one small and virtually inaccessable spot.

20)Dress in bright, cheerfull colors to throw your enemies into confusion.

21)Do not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings you bad news just to demonstrate how evil you really are. Good messengers are hard to come by.

22)Do not be either chivalrous or sporting. If you have an unstopable supper weapon use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

23)If your advisor says to you, "Sir, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" say, "This." and kill the advisor.

24)Do not strike a bargen with a demonic being and then double cross him simply because you feel like being contrary.

25)Never build a sentinent computer smarter than you are.

26)Your five year old advisor should be asked to decipher any code you are thinking of using. If he does it in less than five minutes, do not use it. The same goes for passwords.

27)If it becomes neccessary to escape, do not pause to pose dramatically and toss off a one liner.

28)If your advisors ask you, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" do not procede before you have an answer that satisfies them.

29)No matter how many shorts you have in your system, instruct your guards to treat every security camera malfunction as a full scale emergency.

30)Instruct your Legions of Terror to attack en mass instead of one or two at a time.

31)Do not tell your Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command should be, "And he must be taken alive if it is resonably practical."

32)If you are fighting with the hero on top of a moving platform, have disarmed him and am about to finish him off, and he suddenly looks behind you and drops flat, you also should drop flat instead of quizically looking behind you to see what he saw.

33)Do not shoot at your enemey if he is standing in front of a major support beem to a large and unstable structure.

34)Do not use any plan where the final step is horribly complicated. ie: "Align the twelve stones of power on the sacred alter then activate the medalion at the moment of total eclipse." It will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

35)If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, do not breate them for incompetence and then send them out again.

36)Do not ignore a messenger that stumbles in exsausted and obviously aggitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might acctually be important.

37)Arrange it so that blasting the door opening mechanisms from the outside with jam the door and blasting the door opening mechanisms from the inside will open the door, instead of vice versa.

38)If you see any strangly clothed men with young, scantally dressed female companions following them around, asking blindingly obviouse questions you should leave the planet imediatly. Don't take time to pack up your equipment, gather up your slaves, or (for sure) have any public executions. This will probably be fatal, or, at the very least, leave you working for all the people you had previously tormented.

By Peter Anspach.