But no, no no no no. That's not the story anymore. Feminism, as in "We crush all barriers" died, some other time when I was a baby. What happened then? Everyone got scared to be a feminist. Feminists were angry and unattractive. They liked girls and didn't shave, or else they wore only plant fibers and spelled "woman" with a "y." Men were scared and repulsed by the lesbians and found the earth muffins deeply amusing. (How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny!) It's such a confusing thing. People are scared of black panthers amd white supremacists, but factionalistic feminists are objects only of derision. So no one wants to be a fighting feminist anymore. We want to work for equality in a nonoppositional, fine-by-me kind of way. We want to sort of blend in and play along.

America's greatest minds work where they can earn the greatest profit, so before long the magazine-makers caught wind of this phenomenon. Some woman or other, who's the editor of "Jane," talked about it, and, I can't find the article, but she said something like, "We need to remodel feminism into an attractive, marketable concept so we can start making money off it, eat at Boule and send our children to Spence." So they did, and they really called it Girl Power. So far, they've made bundles. I have a really good grasp on what girl power means. So far I have a file on it this thick.

"Jane" is just like any other woman's magazines except its how-to articles are entitled "How to Get What You Want" instead of "How to Give Great Head." ("Do unto him what you want done unto you.") It also has Drew Barrymore giving her "quirky" and "individual" opinion on how to lead a great life. ("Beauty is a good thing.") Then some more articles ("Make Your Hair Something It's Not," "Kickboxing for Perfect Thighs," "What Do Cellulite Creams Really Do?"). And of course, ads. Pages of hot girls in cute clothes drinking Slurpees, while perched on vintage vehicles. Prada. Express. Allure.

Then there was this Sprite ad on TV a while ago. Here's a case where "girl power" means instead of beautiful women running on beaches wearing French cologne with pec-laden studs, they have beautiful athletic women inspiring devotion in attitude-laden studs by jumping out of planes. Message: Girl power means six-packs instead of famine victims. Of course, what progress! If you're going to have a copmletely unrealistic goal for your body, it might as well be an unrealistically healthy one! This is truly a movement about empowerment, as expressed by the choice of intellectually prominent women to wear engine red instead of pink. Take the Spice Girls' debut novel--the author-protagonists are buoyed by their incredible "girl power" to venture daring feats such as wearing short skirts or kicking at the camera lens. The simple explanation for this farce is the profit motive. "Girl power" is a product, like for instance peanut butter, not a movement, like for instance suffrage. The Girl power icon is made to inspire envy in female consumers, not to make them feel more powerful themselves! If they felt more powerful, maybe they'd decide to to stop reading magazines and buying clothes and go find a cure for cancer.

And, I'm sorry, but why do we buy this shit? What is it about girls that everyone is writing books like Resuscitating Ophelia about how we have no selves, and my friends think they're fat, and aren't eating lunch, and boys are saying "Yeah, she's hot, but did you hear about her and those two juniors and she's really messed up and don't fuck her, you'd feel bad if you messed her up more," and everyone is deeply, deeply concerned, except people trying to take our money and even they try to pretend? Just what is it with girls, anyway?

It's something about being beautiful. That's what it is. We want to be happy, to be surrounded by boys who lend us sweaters and girls who share their Slurpees, always with a party to go to, always with someone to call and another exciting adventure to create. And the way to do that is to be beautiful, right? That's what everyone's telling us. We want to achieve and excel, but we're not sure if the way to succeed isn't to have longer eyelashes and if perfect thighs aren't the ultimate signs of achievement. Girls today care about winning respect and admiration, not just affection, but, so often it seems like looks are the way to both.

And I'm not saying boys are any better, they just have better luck. Guys can be crazy, offbeat dreamers and everyone will like them more for it. They're supposed to be stubborn and rebellious. It's sexy when boys tell the world to go fuck itself. (Example: Sid Vicious--a dirty, skinny bass totter who made a career out of being offensive and bleeding on people. He's the twelfth most requested dead guy on the Internet.)

But that kind of behavior is just not profitable for a girl. I should know! I've tried! I cut my hair short and started weight training, I call-out in class and wear only Wranglers and Wifebeaters, and frankly, everyone liked me better before. Maybe the guys I know enjoy an occasional slap, but it's not like crowds of skaters are staring slack-jawed. Do you understand? I'm bold. I'm smart. I can bench 150. I'm a powerful girl, but I don't have that thing, girl power.

I mean, girl power, what is it? Perfect legs, so you can wear short skirts. Perfect skin, so you will look good in red vinyl. A firm little ass, so boys will love you when you turn your back on them. Girl power is being pretty enough to call it "spunk" when you act like a baby. Girl power is jumping out of planes, hitting life feet first in knee-high boots, a crop top, and a glistening micro-mini. Girl power is the world as a playground full of friends, hot guys, extreme sports, and sparkly purple lipstick. I fell for it. Did you? I leafed through the magazines, searching for dynamite and pride, looking for someone to tell me, "We kick ass no matter who wants to fuck us." But it turns out, the models are still having all the fun.

Did you know that when I was anorexic and looked like a beanpole, I felt more powerful than I do now? Now I can eat cereal without feeling bloated and I no longer have increased risk of heart failure, but I don't feel the same power? Wearing a crop top was definitely better than consuming enough protein to live on. Try eating nothing but apples for a month. It produces an incredible head rush. That's girl power.

Look, they want our money, that's what this whole thing is about. Capitalism is the biggest house of mirrors in the world, because everyone's trying to tell us that we need something! Especially you, and especially me, 'cause we're dreaming about Slurpees and short skirts and joyful, ecstatic love. Here's some numbers from (irony of ironies) "Seventeen" magazine: Of the $105 million earned by teenagers last year, $103 million were spent last year. That's 98 percent! We're fucking wellsprings. We have some small amount of money, and it's easy as sin to get it out of us. We walk around with big red target signs!

What we need is to perfect the skill of cash warfare. Every political movement--from civil rights to gay rights to environmentalism--has learned this little secret. Don't buy shit. You know what shit is? Anything in print that's kind enough to tell you how to be perfect, and smart enough to show you a picture of just what perfect is. "Seventeen" is shit. "Jane" is shit. The girl power movement is shit. So let's you and me not be targeted. If you don't want to call us feminists, that's fine. We can be the Big Movement of Women Not Buying Shit. There's plenty of other things we can spend our money on. For instance, food. A weimaraner. Soup kitchens. College. Laboratory equipment. A bass guitar. We do and can kick ass without being pretty, and maybe in the distant future--like when we're seventy and sitting on top of the fortune we amassed in our youth by our inventiveness and roguish business instinct--society will have changed and we can date twenty year old models. But until then, things are gonna be ugly.

Hey, we shall overcome, okay?