august 16 . 2000



for the last couple years, my grades have been spiraling downwards. first to b's and c's, then d's. then e's. it was very embarassing, because i know i'm smarter than my grades made me look. i had frequent symptoms of fatigue, lack of energy, and being anti-social. i got tested for tons of viruses i didn't have, blood irregularities, so many needles and pokes, but nothing came of it. then, one day, it became apparent. i was depressed. i have a family history of depression. my grandma has it but refuses to admit it, my aunt has it, and two of my cousins have it. they've even attempted suicide. luckily, i'm not suicidal. i have a condition called dysthymia. my brain has an imbalance of chemicals, and that makes me depressed. i'm taking medication to counterbalance my depression. i also see a really good therapist, and she helps me work things out. people with depression get labeled bad names all the time, and it's really unfair. i'm an average teenager. i go out on dates, i take out the trash, i'm getting a driver's permit. just because i have to take medicine to feel normal doesn't make me a basket case in a mental institution. i'm not ashamed of having depression, either. without my medicine, everything seems hopeless. it's like there's a gray film cast upon everyone i see, everything i do. i feel like a failure, a nobody, and have no self esteem. no matter how many people say i'm pretty, i have trouble accepting compliments. to this day, i still don't believe someone when they say i'm pretty or smart. i guess i can only tell myself that. if you think you have depression, don't shut up and suffer for years like i did. there are people out there waiting to help you. get help as soon as possible. it's really not as bad as you'd think.