Sitting in an economy-sized seat on a plane
Probably sounds pretty damn lame
And my neck fucking aches from being craned
"And I still can't see the movie!" I complained
The stewardesses are afraid they'll be maimed
By angry passengers who have no shame
And they'll tell you so with no distain

But while I'm sitting here in my slave sized seat
Listening to music with an uncomprehensible beat
Feeling every needle from the sleeping of me feet
I got to thinking: Hey, wouldn't it be neat
If I was instead in church?

A nice tall church
Built entirely out of birch
I'd drag me out of bed so that I could lurch
To the oh-so-grand St. Liz's Church
Then I'd sit in a pew
With nothing to do
Except hold my breath until my face turns blue
Or double know the laces on both my shoes
Dressed in black would stand the priest
With castor from the pastor in his hair for grease
Ranting and raving to say the least
About a man and a god and the mark of the beast
He'd run a hand through his greasy hair
And ask politely for a prayer
And tells every single prayer sayer
To pray against evil and Hell's every layer
We'd pray all morning and we'd pray all day
All we'd do is fucking pray
Wishin' I could go to a bar and maybe get laid
Instaid I'm thinkin about the evil that the lord must slay
Then we'd sing a little hymn
That the priest chose on a whim
Praising Him
In some solemn rhythm
And so I'd sit in the pew
With nothing to do
Except hold my breath until my face turns blue
Or triple knot the laces on both my shoes
Then maybe we'd hear some miserable psalms
Hopefully with these I'd have no qualms
Thinkin'... maybe I should give away some alms
Or smack a screaming child with my sweaty palms
Then the priest decides to tell
About an eternally torturous place called Hell
And if I want eternity to go well
All my evil thoughts I'd better fucking quell
So I'd sit in a pew
With nothing to do
Except try holding my breath until my face turns blue
Or quadruple knot the laces on both my shoes

I guess I'd be just as bored
Whilst praising the lord
In an overwhelmingly obnoxious horde
Of suburban muthafuckas driving fords
I'd rather sit in an economy sized seat on a plane
Than sit in a pew and worry about how I've shamed
The face on the church in front of God's vengeful eyes
And be force-fed monotheistic lies.

I mean, damn.

Why'd I even try?

-- liz