Even though I have nothing against life.

But suicides have a special language. Like carpenters, they want to know which tools. Not why build.

Twice, I have so simply declared myself, have possesed the enemy, eaten the enemy, have taken on his craft. His magic.

In this way, heavy and thoughtful, warmer than oil or water.
I have rested, drooling at the mouth hole.

I did not think of my body at needle point. Even the cornea and the leftover urine were gone. Suicides have already betrayed the body.

Still born, they don't always die, but dazzled, they can't forget a drug so sweet that even children would look on and smile.

To thrust all that life under your tounge! - All by itself, becomes a possesion. Death's a sad bone. Bruised you'd say.

And yet she waits for me, year after year, to so delicatley undo an old wound, to empty my breath from its bad poison.

Balanced there, suicides sometimes meet, raging at the fruit, a pumped up moon, leaving the bread they mistook for a kiss.

Leaving the page of the book carelessly open, something unsaid, the phone off the hook, and the love, whatever it was, an infection.
-Anne Sexton.

The only way to fix some things is to make them go away forever. Mind you, I'd rather watch her suffer and die. Give it to me, and maybe I'll reconsider my options.

11.5.01 - Letters from a Loser
I've started adding content today. Elementary!

As for other things I've noticed, here's something interesting. I do my best thinking during drama practice in the evenings. I guess this is because I feel like such an individual there since it reminds me how much I, as a human being, actually suck. I act great, I mean I win awards for it and stuff. My social skills, however, blow like an expensive whore. Here's why.

1.) I manage to make anything I do look stupid.
2.) I'm not exactly gorgeous, and please, admit it, it takes looks to get by in this wretched adolecent hell.
3.) I talk too much because I'm so friken shy, that when I get the courage to say something, I sound like a bloody 'tard.

Now, I could go on, but I would throw up before I could finish. It kind of pisses me off, you know? I'm cool. I'm witty. If I weren't me, I'd want to hang around me. But maybe the fact that my nose is a little more turned up, and my skin is a little shinier than others, that's reason to erase my name off the potiential friend list. When I graduate high school, half of my friends will probably forget who I am. I didn't go to school today, and none of my friends in drama even thought twice about asking where I was or why I was out. Probably because they didn't notice.

I guess what keeps me going every day is that there are some people out there that I really like to be around. People like Jay, Cheppi, and Alyssa. While Jay would probably be the only person to be concerned if I got home an hour later than I'd expected, the others make me laugh. The only other reason I have to be here is because sometimes my misfortune is kind of funny. Like Ruby says, "I don't give a fuck about anyone here." She's right. I'll be leaving this joint in two and a half years, and just because I didn't make it for prom queen in 2004 doesn't mean my mortgage will be any higher. Everyone else can screw themselves. That includes my dad.

11.1.01
Hello, hello, yeah I'm alive and well, thanks for asking. I've already had to retype this three times so I'm slightly annoyed at AOL's inconsistancy. Sometimes I think Steve Case should be Knighted, and others he should burn in hell. But lets not allow contempt to get the best of us, right? Anywho, it's been over a year since I updated this thing, and because of the dramatic changes that have occured during this time, I thought that perhaps I should get up off my lazy arse and do something about it, so I dramatically changed the site too. (Nice run-on!) I've taken some pages down and put some new ones up, however, if you really care to dive back into my pathetic 8th grade years (not to say I'm not just as pathetic as a sophomore, just a little less cag-assed I think) the link to When I Grow Up v1.0 is on the splash page. Alright, well in closing let me say that you will not find any erotic material on this site. Just a bunch of stupid crap about me that is sure to make any huge loser on the planet feel good about themselves, and a trillion obnoxious popups. The best part? More bitching, bitching, bitching!
Love,
Melissa