Index
1. Introduction
2. Girl Quotes
3. Boy Quotes
4. How To Avoid Becoming Heartbroken When Single
5. How To Meet New People
6. Icebreaker
7. Ready to Ask Them the Big Question?
8. I'm In a Relationship, Now What?
9. The Break Up
10. Rebound
11. Signs That You're Almost Out of Rebound
12. After Rebound
13. The Game



Introduction

Ever been sitting at home thinking to yourself, "Damn it, why doesn't he/she like me?" or "Why must he/she always be busy?" or god forbid "Why doesn't she return my calls?" Well now, these questions will finally be answered. They won't be answered in a nice way, but by god, they will be answered. All you depressed fucks will get even more depressed after reading this and finally realizing the obvious, and unfortunate truth. Emotional people beware, this could drive you to suicide. You have been warned. - James

Girl Quotes

Ever wonder why the girl you're interested in always seems to have some reason to not hang out with you? You think "Maybe she's just really busy." or that she really doesn't have any time on her hands. Bullshit, stop living in a world of cupcakes and sprinkles, she doesn't like you, get over it, kill yourself. If she ever uses any of these quotes on you, in OR out of a relationship, begin preparing a ritual suicide.

"I already made plans."
1. I don't like you, get the hint.
2. Stop talking to me.
3. I have better people to see.

"Let's just be friends."
1. You're not good enough to be my boyfriend.
2. I don't like you any more, I've found someone else.

"It's not you, it's me."
1. I can't think of any reason to reject you.
2. You're ugly, and I can't say it to your face.
3. There are too many reasons to give on why I don't like you.

"I just don't want to see anyone right now."
1. I'm waiting for someone else to ask me that isn't you.

"I have to get home."
1. I never want to talk to you again.
2. Fuck off.

"I hope we can stay friends."
1. I never want to speak to you again.
2. I hate you, stay away from me.
3. I pity you.

"He's cute."
1. I don't like him in any way, but he's not bad to look at.
2. He isn't boyfriend material.

"Awww!"
1. You attention seeking loser, get a life.
2. Maybe this will make him go away.

"You don't have to get me anything."
1. Gee, I would really like something!

"Can I call you?"
1. Go away already!
2. I have better things to do then talk to you.

"Does this dress make me look fat?"
1. I want compliments!

Boy Quotes

Ever wonder why the hunk of your dreams always seems to be at football practice or out to lunch with his friends? Well, while you're sitting at home crying, that guy is out with a bunch of other girls, and couldn't give a squat of piss for you, yeah that's right, start running the bath water and prepare the knife, because it's time to slit those wrists.

"She's not that bad."
1. She's ugly.

"Sorry, I'm going to hang out with some of my buds."
1. I'm going to see my girls.

"Well, I don't think I'm so great."
1. Please, inflate my ego!

"Oh, you're not fat!"
1. Damn, you're one round woman.
2. You're fat, and it's the reason I turned ya down!

"I really like you!"
1. I want to get in your pants.

"I'm going to fucking kill you."
1. Pure honesty, no sugarcoating here, you've found a good guy!

How To Avoid Becoming Heartbroken When Single

Take it from me, things will not work out how you want them to, I would know. Stop living in denial and let reality do what it does best for a change, will you? Sure it may hurt a lot to get out of your state of denial, but you'll feel much better knowing that the person you like doesn't like you back, then to go on for months thinking you have the slightest chance, because then you end up doing something you may regret.

Tips:
1. Suicide - the quickest, and easiest way to solve the problem. A personal favorite.
2. Accept the truth then get over it, look for somebody else.
3. Grow an extreme hatred for that person.
4. Beat up the person you think the one you like is interested in, sure it doesn't solve anything, but you'll feel a whole lot better.
5. Cry, it may sound like the baby thing to do, but wow, there's nothing better then a good cry.

How To Meet New People

Now, this is definitely the part that is much easier said then done. You may say to yourself, "All right, today I'm going to go out and meet that girl of my dreams!" No, you're not. You might find her, but I bet you 100 bucks you're not going to meet her! Unless of course, you increase your self esteem and ego. Here are some tips on how to increase self esteem and ego:

1. Have any friends of the opposite sex? Talk to them, and always make sure to look down upon yourself, something like "I'm a no good guy who can't do anything right." If you're talking to the right person, they will respond to you somewhere along the lines of, "No, you're not! You're a great person." or something to that effect. If you can, make sure that the person you're trying to recieve compliments and pity from isn't single, because for some reason, people who aren't single are usually nicer.

2. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Goddamn, you're beautiful." Even if you know you're lying to yourself, just keep looking, and keep saying it. Do some cool poses too!

3. Do you work out? If not, and you're not satisfied with yourself in a physical way, then do so. Having a nice body always makes up for certain things, like an ugly face. As for girls... lose weight!

4. How's your personal presentation? Do you dress nice or do you look like a slob? I'll tell you one thing, picking out your clothes with style and grace always makes you feel a little bit better about your miserable self.

5. Make yourself smell nice! Take tons of showers!

Well, I'm sure there are other ways to increase your self esteem and ego, but those in my opinion are 5 of the best ones that give real results, drugs not included. Now, let's learn how to meet new people!
1. The easiest and most obvious way, parties. Although, you usually have to be kind of popular to be invited to parties, but sometimes you just get lucky. It's very easy to meet single people at a party.

2. Another common way to meet the average person is through school and work. It's the easiest way to strike up a conversation with these kinds because you're already in the same building with each other just about every day. That's already half the work done for you.

3. On the train, or the bus. Sure, you may think it's strange to walk up to a complete stranger and try to start a conversation, but most people enjoy having someone to talk with if they're alone on a train or bus. Some don't though, so beware.

4. The internet. Quite possibly one of the easiest methods of meeting new, and single people. There are tons of different free match making websites out there, and a lot of the time people will just start talking to you out of the blue. Now once they start talking to you, you just have to hope they're what you're looking for in looks and personality and of course, in your area, but if you don't mind traveling, then go for long distance!

5. Your friends. Next to the internet, this is definitely the best method of meeting new people. Since your friends introduce you to new people, the icebreaker (a.k.a the hardest part of meeting new people) is already done for you. Now that the hardest part is done, get to work!

Those are just 5 basic ways to meet new people. Now that I told you where to meet the new people, you're probably wondering how to meet them without sounding like a jackass. It's not that hard actually, you just have to talk to them! Now this is where a high self esteem, ego, and of course, courage come into play. Breaking the ice is quite possibly one of the hardest parts of trying to talk to someone, but once you can figure out a good way to break the ice, then you're in the clear for the most part. Now, how to break the ice you ask? Well it's simple... well, no it's not actually.

Icebreaker

1. Did he or she mention something you like to one of their friends? Try and get into the conversation by saying how much you enjoy whatever it is they were talking about too. Make sure not to butt into a conversation with too many people, usually just do this when there's only 1 other person. Same rule applies if you're eavesdropping on their cell phone conversation (creep), just don't try and talk to them while they're on the phone. Wait for them to hang up first!

2. Reading a book? Listening to a song you like? Ask them what book they're reading and what kind of books they're into, or whatever, even if you're not into books, just say you are, you're desperate aren't you? If they're listening to a song you like, or even a song you don't like, tell them how much you like that song and start a conversation about it!

3. One of the more pitiful ways: drop something near them, or slip and fall down and act hurt. Yup, it's definitely one of the worst ways, but I'm sure when done right, it could work!

4. Are they wearing something that interest to you? Or even if they aren't, tell them how cool it is and start up a conversation on whatever it is they're wearing, like if it's a shirt of a cartoon you liked, talk about it, be awesome!

Those are 4 good ways to start a conversation. I'm sure there are more, but I'm not getting paid for this, so that's all I'm listing. Oh, and there are few things you must make sure to remember when you finish with your conversation!

1. Exchange phone numbers
2. Exchange e-mail addresses
3. Exchange instant messaging names

That way you can continue to keep in contact with them! Doy! From there, it's smooth sailing. Unless they use some of the quotes stated in the quote section. If they do, then just move on, and do so quickly. Don't get attached.

Ready To Ask Them The Big Question?

Well, before I get into what you must do, let me tell you what you must not do!

1. Never, ever ask them online! Just as it makes it easier for you to ask, it makes it just that much easier for them to say no! Asking online is definitely one of the biggest signs of not putting in the effort and courage!
2. Same rule applies with the telephone, text messaging, chirping, whatever, the point I'm trying to make: always ask in person!

Now, what you must do when you think it's time to ask!

1. First of all, always make sure you ask within a week or 2 upon meeting, if you're really serious about getting into a relationship. If you wait too long, they will start to look at you as only a friend. Sometimes this rule doesn't apply, but in most cases it does. You really don't want to be in the "Friend" box!
2. Ask in person! As stated above.
3. Don't be nervous! Just look them in the eyes, and imagine they're not there! Then just do what you gotta do.

Some good ways to ask:
1. The most simplistic and commonly used one, "Would you go out with me?"
2. "Would you consider going out with someone like me?"
3. "Can I take you on a date?"

3 simple quotes, for simple people. You can mix and match in any way you want, but always make sure to never use the word "please." You may think that's rude, but when you say something like "Would you please go out with me?" that just comes off as pathetic, which I know and you know that you are pathetic, but you cannot let them know that!

I'm In A Relationship, Now What?

Simple, do stuff with them. Go to the movies, go to your favorite place, unless your favorite place is a XXX theater, stay away from those. Hang out at each other's house for some love-love time. Just do whatever, it's not hard, if the person really likes you, they'll enjoy going wherever just for the sake of being with you! It's common sense. Not much I can say here except... make sure you have a job, or some way to get money, whether it be stealing, or killing family members, because you're going to be throwing money away like no tommorow.

The Break Up

Well, it's the shittiest feeling in the world. Words cannot explain this. Depending on the dialogue the person used to break up with you will depend on how the severity of the mental damage will be on you, unless you didn't like the person to begin with, then you're probably pretty happy he/she/it broke up with you.

Severity Chart:

Level 1: You didn't like the person you were dating, and you feel better off without your partner.

Level 2: You had some feelings for this person, feelings which probably could have bloomed over time, but you're not too upset over the break up, just like a week or 2 of sulking will do the trick.

Level 3: Your feelings for this person were strong, you thought everything was fine, but you were wrong, this will usually keep a person depressed until they find another bf/gf.

Level 4: The feelings were so strong, that you thought you were almost in love, you feel as if nothing in your life matters anymore, which it probably doesn't. The pain of this break up will last for a really long time, anywhere between 5-10 years, at least.

Level 5: You were in love, you may never recover.

Tips For Level 1 Severity:
1. Find someone else
2. Be happy that you're free

Tips For Level 2 Severity:
1. Get over it quick, and look for someone else
2. Be happy that the relationship didn't last long enough to bloom to a level 3-5.

Tips For Level 3 Severity:
1. Run away
2. Bitch, whine, moan, cry, scream, and other things of that sort.
3. Abuse yourself.
4. Always be depressed.
5. Suicide

Tips For Level 4 Severity:

1. Run Away
2. Always be depressed
3. Abuse yourself
4. Suicide
5. Suicide

Tips For Level 5 Severity:
1. Suicide
2. Suicide
3. Suicide
4. Suicide
5. Suicide

Rebound

Everybody knows this feeling, it's called the "rebound". Following a break-up you will become desperate, needy, and most likely obsessed with your ex. These feelings are regular and will eventually go away, so no need to worry, but the real question here is: "How do I cope with rebound while I am in it?!" Very interesting question, and here for you now are some answers to that question!

1. Hang Out With Your Friends: Simple, right? It's not. Sometimes getting the energy to just get off your sorry, pathetic ass is even too much work for you due to how depressed you are feeling. Your friends will start to worry about you, don't shy away from them. Tell them how you're feeling, and if they are true friends they will be there to help you through thick and thin, so much to the point that you'll find it worth getting up to hang out with them.

2. Do Constructive Things: I know it sounds stupid, trust me I thought the same exact thing at one point until I actually tried it. As depressed as you may be feeling, if you can find the energy to draw, write, or just express yourself through art, it will really help you feel better. I don't know why, maybe it's just the idea of creating... creating something, it makes you feel like a god. Write poetry, draw comics, make a collage, make a diagram, write songs, make a song, sew a dress or a shirt, make a pillow-case. The list can go on and on, it all depends on what you're good at... and if you're not good at anything, which is most likely the case, then move on to the next tip.

3. Beat Yourself Up: You've realized the errors of your ways, how flawed of a human being you truely are. As you think back of all the wrong-doings you did to your ex, a rage will boil deep within you, and if you're doing it right the rage won't be towards your ex, but towards yourself. Take this anger out on the person who deserves it most: you. Punch yourself, run into walls, beat the ever-living shit out of yourself. You're a failure who will never amount to anything and deserves nothing less then a good ass kicking. Don't hold back.

4. Suicide: Quite possibly the most extreme thing you can do. Follow my exact directions: take a bottle of Tynenol PMs and scatter about 10 into your hand. Now, place each of them in different parts of the house, assuming you're a big pussy who can't take them all at once. Now walk around the house and each time you see one, take it and put it in your mouth followed by some water and a nice swallow. As you go around taking the pills one by one, it won't feel as scary because it won't actually feel like you're taking a large amount at once even though you are. Eventually your body will begin to shake, you will start to twitch, and your head will feel about 600 pounds heavier. At first you might be scared, wondering why you did this and what if you really do die? Eventually those thoughts will stop, and for about 10 minutes you will be in a very happy place... until you fall asleep. 6 hours later you will wake up. You sad, pathetic excuse of a person, did you really just try to kill yourself? Now that you've thought to have stared death in the face, you will most likely have a new-found appreciation for life, if not then let's continue down our list.

5. True Suicide: This time I'm serious people. If you really don't think you can go on, and it's understandable, then do this. Just make sure you realize what a disgusting act of selfishness this truely is. Good luck on your journey though, here are some very good ways to go about it.
1. Blowdryer into the bathtub
2. Overdose on Vikoden (try 50)
3. Shoot yourself in the head if you have a gun available
4. Hang yourself
5. Jump off a bridge or any other high place (i.e: building)
6. Jump onto the highway

Now that I've told you what you should do to cope with rebound, let me tell you the things you should not do while coping with rebound! These things are very important, and if you do any of them you are a piece of shit and you will never heal properly!

1. Get a New Partner: Sounds like something that should have been on the other list right? Wrong! Assuming the only people reading this section are severity 3 and up, this is the worst thing you can possibly do! Not only will you be hurting yourself even more, you will eventually hurt your new partners feelings as well. As you slowly but surely go mad from the fact that this guy/girl is not who you were once with, a person that you have not gotten over, you'll crack and tell the other person you haven't gotten over your ex. You know what this means? A break up from either of you. This is a big no-no! You must wait until your rebound is over.

2. Do Drugs: If you haven't done drugs before, then don't start now. If you already do drugs, don't start doing more. Consider this for a second, drugs give you a nice feeling of being high for a short amount of time and they cost a lot of money. Eventually you will run out of that money to buy your drugs and your fake happiness that these drugs gave you. This is not the road to take!

3. Alcohol: There is no need to become some depressing, loud, and maniacal alcoholic. Put the scotch down! You're better then that, really you are! No, I'm kidding, you're not. You're a piece of shit, but that doesn't mean you should start drinking. Trust me, this is also another road to not take! Unless you want to end up in Rehab, then go right ahead. Less of you scumbags in my way, I say.

4. Get Back With Your Ex: This might be even dumber then doing drugs or alcohol. This can only result in more pain and anguish. Things didn't work out the first time, what makes you think they will the second time? Exactly! This is just done out of sheer desperation and it makes you a disgusting, pathetic fool, which you already are but you don't want you ex to know that! Even though your ex is a pathetic and disgusting fool as well. You must go through your rebound first before rekindling anything between you and your ex, assuming by the time your rebound is finished that's what you still want.

5. Kill Your Ex: Extreme, right? The thought will most likely go through your head, and for some people that's all they need to commit this act. You're not crazy, are you? You don't want to be in jail for the rest of your life over something like this, trust me. As much as I'd like a nice chuckle out of the paper headline "Ex-girlfriend's head chopped off and uterus eaten by ex-boyfriend", it's not what you want. You need to stop thinking about what I want! I'm as unimportant as you are too... well, maybe I'm not that unimportant, but still.

There you have it people. I'm sure there are more things to do and not do during rebound, but these 5 simple things of do's and do not's should keep you going fine, plus I don't know of any other methods. Stop asking so much of me, you people aren't even worth my time. You should be thankful that I'm doing this.

Signs That You're Almost Out of Rebound

You may not think it, but there are signs to when you will definitely know that you're almost finished with your rebound stage. The road of rebound is very confusing, but these are usually some sure-fire signs that will let you know that you're almost out of rebound and will make you feel even better since you're realizing that you're almost done with this horrible stage in your life:

1. Appetite: Have you started being able to eat as much food or almost as much as you used to before the break-up? This is a clear sign that you're starting to feel better.

2. Easier To Do Things: This is that feeling you get when you say to yourself "My job isn't so bad." It's also much easier now to go hang out with your friends. Once you start charging up your positive energy, it's the road straight out of rebound.

3. You Don't Think of Your Ex 24/7: You finally stop thinking about them all the damn time you fucking waste, congrats! You may still think about them from time to time, but this is only natural. I mean your brain is a piece of shit that's always thinking, it's not your fault. Blame the brain. Go get a new one if you have too.

3 little things that let you know you're almost out of rebound. Must be nice!

After Rebound

Ah, so some time goes by and you finally feel like you are a great, astounding, and accomplishing person. Something we all know isn't true, but as long as you feel that way, if you are satisfied with being alone then that means rebound is over! Congratulations! But what happens after rebound?! Well, it's simple really...

1. Make-Up: After rebound is over, you and your ex will become totally different people. You will both be more introspective, and probably just a bit more adult-like then before. Rebounds are life-altering and very powerful in their ways. Now, if you truely feel that you are ready for this road, then go for it. If you fall for this new person that your ex has become for whatever reason it may be, you will know deep down that it is not because of your past and not because you're desperate. You have a crush on this new person, and he/she will hopefully get a new crush on you if things work out in your favor, which they most likely won't. If you 2 do end up getting back together, it will be like a whole new relationship and things will be even bigger and better then before. Have fun, kids!

2. Be Single: This one isn't all that good, in my honest opinion. Well, I don't know, it depends on how emotional you are and whatnot. If your idea of being single is going out and getting wasted and laid every night, then this might be a good option for you, but if you're the type of person that plays Dungeons and Dragons every Saturday with his loser friends and still jerks off to animal porn, then this might be a bad road for you. See rebound is a strange thing, it can come back at any time. I mean that. Any time. You don't want that, if you're not responsible enough to be single, then don't be.

3. Get a New Partner: You finally feel ready to take that next big step. You've been talking to this great new person for a few weeks and think you've developed a small crush on them. Get in there and make this person yours! You got this.

The Game

Everybody knows about The Game, right? Well, I'm here to explain it in semi-full detail. The Game is a rough thing to play, and just like in any game you can win or lose. But I'm here to give you all the pointers you need to beat this game, like a Game Genie, if you will.

1. Make That Person Seem Less Important: This is a key factor in game playing. You cannot let the other person take your kindness for weakness! You must make believe that the person you're trying to get with isn't that important. Forget to call them sometimes, don't call them at all. Be a little late when you're hanging out and say your best friend kept you a little longer then you expected. This will make the other person try harder and it also is a form of hard to get, which we all know it's human nature that we just have to have things that we can't have because we're selfish shits that should rot in a pit of molten lava.

2. Jealousy: Ah, the green eyed monster. This tactic plays a very, very important role in game playing. Tell your new guy/girl friend that you actually have some plans with another member of the opposite sex (assuming you're not gay/lesbian). This will drive them crazy! It will make them so infurious, and so angry, but the truth is they can't tell you because then they'll think that they like you! It will make them more competetive and more interested in getting you and beating all other opposition.

3. Every So Often Give Them A lot of Attention: Yup, I'd say about once every week during your game playing, you should give them 1 full day of your most attention. This tactic will confuse the enemy...err possible partner and just make her/him wonder what the hell is going on in that crazy head of yours. It will make them intrigued and want to be closer to you. Plus people love attention. A sure-fire winner.

The Game is easier said then played. Sometimes you will feel almost like there's an uncontrolling force that is just pushing you to call that other person. Or you just feel guilty about making that person feel less important when you clearly know they're the most important. Fight these urges with all your might! Remember, the outcome of Game Playing is usually a positive one! Playing the Game makes you seem like a strong person who doesn't need anyone, which clearly isn't true. People like that in other people, makes them feel more secure. It's a shame you're just making this all up. Just make sure to not play the game for longer then like 2 weeks, by this point you should be asking that person out or whatever you may be trying to do. Playing The Game too long will eventually just make the person dislike you. You have to know your boundaries and how much Game you can play. It's a very precise thing that you can easily mess up, so be careful! Or you can just skip The Game and be yourself. This one usually won't work, but you can try it if you want. I don't suggest it though. Although it does save a lot of explaining when they ask you why you're so much different in a relationship.

Well, That's It, Thanks For Reading! Good luck in finding your happiness, because you really fucking need it, trust me!

Questions? Comments? Feel free to e-mail me!