Luponic. Ask Man Landers. All right here kid.
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Ask Man Landers Advice
So, i have this friend, right? She writes a nationally syndicated advice column, so i can't tell you her real name. But it rhymes with "manlanders". Ever since this other new advice column came out, whose name i also won't mention but which has captured the imagination of millions (it's bigger even than "Ask Beth"), she has lost all her self confidence and is acting really paranoid. She calls me up on the phone every f*@king night and makes me listen to all her problems. Sure, some of them are real, and i want to be there for her, but i'm sure that she's making some of them up just to get sympathy. How do i tell her to go to hell, without ruining our friendship? -Anti-Ask Beth
Well, Anti"Ask-Beth", you seem to have a real 'bad friend' situation here. It's obvious to me that your little friend is just ENTIRELY TOO OLD FOR HER JOB. I would start with some nice advice about how she needs to do her part to promote progress (for example, she could go away). To ease the pain, tell her she's beautiful or something. The key here is to get the job done but keep her as a friend. Lies are a tool, use them. But don't put up with any more complaining. Shut her up with some hot metal in the eye. Good luck! Thanks for your question. -ManLanders
hey man i have this f@*ked up dream where i've got like a screw or some nails or some busted glass, this time electrical wires and one of those bicycle lights, in my mouth and then i accidentally swollow whatever it is. So i start coughing and gagging and tryin to reach in and pull it out cause I know that sh*t shouldn't be going down the pipes, but here's the f@*ked up part. I actually beleive i've got this crap in my throat and i actually try to cough and gag and rip it out. Roomates have told me it sounds like i'm dying. Finally i wake up a bit and realize it was a dream and then I go back to bed. I thought my roomates were pullin some funny sh@t, but it's happened with no-one in the house. do you think it's space men? or am I just choking on my tounge in my sleep?
Dear Clogged Pipes, Oh me oh my, you've really got a problem there, eh? First off I'd wonder if you were a smoker. That could explain the coughing and the stuff in the throat. But maybe not. And to tell you the truth, I don't know much about space men. Do the screws and electic wires look as if they are too complicated for modern technology/human intelligence? I knew a young lady who had some similar dreams to the ones you've explained. Things being shoved down her throat and all. Well she went to a professional and she was told that there was something missing from her life. The weird dreams were just a substitute for that hole of despair. So she found a new hobby. I won't get into details, but let's just say she often has chapped lips. I don't know if you're up for it, but I know she doesn't have those dreams anymore. Good luck with your throat! Thanks for writing! And remember... "It's time for Man, go away Ann!" -ManLanders
