On The Outside: By Amy

Ch.12
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A pair of sad brown eyes stared aimlessly into the black night. Howie Dorough sat alone on his front porch, content with the isolated feelings that had found him. His eyes scanned the empty front yard, squinting as the harsh wind blew, lifting fallen leaves into the air once again. He was unable to find solace as the devastating memories of the day replayed in his mind. His catatonic state was broken as he heard footsteps echoing against the ground and a young voice calling his name.

"Howie...Howie..." the voice said loudly, a pair of dirty sneakers coming into the man's view.

Dorough lifted to his head to see the owner of the ragged shoes. "Hi, Brian," he greeted, blankly. "I thought you were supposed to go have dinner at Patti's tonight."

"Well...yeah, I'm on my way there, but I came to see you. She invited you, ya' know."

"Yeah, I know," the Latino whispered, bringing his gaze once again to the dried leaves lining the damp earth. "You should go, I'm not very hungry right now."

"Are you okay?" Brian asked sincerely, taking a seat on the old steps leading to the gray porch.

"No," Howie admitted. "I'm not. I can't stop hating myself for being so stupid."

Brian hugged his knees to his chest, staring back at the home owner. "You're not stupid."

"Yes, I am," the other insisted. "I was stupid to think I was actually good at something. All I've been able to do in my life is help people somehow, or at least I thought I could. Now, that's gone I don't know what my purpose is. Who was I to think that I could actually take care of a kid practically my own age? I'm not a saint."

"You're only human, Howie," Brian replied. "You tried, and you never know...Things could look up."

Howie wore an unconvincing grin. "Somehow I don't think even you believe what you just said."

"Okay, so I don't," Brian grumbled, unintentionally pulling at his shoelaces in an attempt to ignore his nervousness. "Will we ever see them again?"

"I dunno. It's hard to say. If they're lucky they'll both get put in nice homes far away from this retched place. All that lyes here is sorrow. Kit used to be living proof of that."

"I guess we all are," Brian muttered, shyly. "But even if things were pretty bad..we all had each other and now even that's gone. Kit's dead and Nick and AJ were pulled away."

"It's the most horrible feeling in the world," Howie randomly announced.

"What feeling?"

"Knowing that the only good thing you've ever been able to do has been stripped away. I've always been a peace maker, a people person...I was able to give AJ back some of the love that was scarce in his life after losing his mother. I may not have an important career or be the smartest person alive going to an Ivy League school; but I was able to be his friend. Somehow, I've always been able to step in and be a friend or brother figure to anyone and now that's gone and I don't know what to do."

Brian Littrell nervously bit his lip as he watched the Latino openly brust into tears. The water traveled from his weary brown eyes, slipping over his cheeks that were painted a bright red from the coarse, cold wind.

"Howie..." Brian gently whispered, wrapping his arm around the man's sagging shoulders. "It'll be okay. You did everything you could."

"Yes," Howie coughed out, "but that wasn't enough. I was able to hold in everything I've been feeling since Kit died, but this just pushed it over the edge. Though, I can't help thinking I'm crazy acting like a dang parent and I'm just...I'm just not good enough to help anymore. I don't have a purpose."

"You do," the teenager eagerly promised him. "You do, Howie, you'll see. This isn't over yet. There could always be a miracle or something."

Howie wiped his eyes, watching his breath pass into air in a raspy puff as he released a tired sigh. "A miracle? I don't think they exist. Now, we just have to be happy for what little we have or the hope that someday it'll at least be a decent life that we live." He shook his head, pushing his bent form from the steps. "What am I thinking telling you this? You've got enough to deal with. Go on over to Patti's, maybe you can make her feel better."

Brian raised his head, watching the grief-stricken man open the wooden door. "You're not a burden, Howie, you're still a lot easier to deal with than Kev. I don't how much longer I can take living with him. It feels like he'll never be same."

Howie paused, leaning heavily against the door frame. Slowly, he looked back at the teen, unable to hide his despair. "Brian, I know it's rough right now, but you've got to try to find a balance with him. You know how very little we already have and you've seen three people be taken away from us within days. You still have your cousin, for better or worse he is your family and he does love you. Take advantage of it."

Brian calmly turned away as the owner entered his home. Cautiously, he walked down-the-stairs, unable to forget his friend's words of wisdom. With each step he fought to gather his own thoughts, struggling to find the knowledge that would be the answer for his problems.

*************************************

Water lingering on the damp blades of brown grass seeped onto Kevin Richardson's palm as he set alone in the desolate cemetery. He would only stare straight ahead, unable to remove his eyes from Kit's tombstone. As he supported his weight, he lifted his free hand into the air. Delicately, he ran his fingertips over each letter of her name, deseperately wishing that he was only dreaming. Somehow, hoping that he would wake-up to find himself back in bed. He would then walk to the diner to begin his shift, smiling as he saw Kit coming toward him to give a morning greeting. Yet, reality had been his longtime companion and his dreams had vanished years ago. He knew the cold, hard truth and was living it out day after day.

Suddenly, he was met with distraction as he felt a stranger's hand resting against his back. He sighed as he glanced up at owner. "Hi, Brian."

"Hey, Kev," the younger relative mumbled, kneeling down to the ground. "How ya' doin'?" He bit his lip, looking away. "Stupid question."

"I miss her," Kevin softly proclaimed, allowing a solitary tear to drift away from his watery eyes.

"I know you do," Brian retorted, quietly. "We all do."

Kevin nodded, keeping his attention placed to the grave. "I've been so mad at her."

The younger relative stared at his cousin in shock as he listened to the ironic statement, surprised the man revealed any of his hidden emotions. "How can you be mad at her?"

"I'm mad at her for leaving me," Kevin simplified.

"She didn't mean to leave you, Kev," Brian corrected, freely. "It's not as if she wanted this to happen or as if she even knew."

"She knew something didn't feel right, but she just didn't know what it was."

Brian locked his jaw, looking at the depressed man in concern. "You're not making much sense."

"You don't understand," Kevin mumbled, hanging his head.

"Then, tell me," Brian encouraged. "Help me to understand. I can't understand when all you do is act like the living dead."

"There's more than just her battered, bruised body lying beneath the dirt," he whispered, shutting his eyes as more tears came. "Her dreams are buried underneath there and most of mine are as well."

"I know," Brian muttered, squeezing Kevin's shoulder. "You two were real close, huh?"

"More than that," Kevin stated, wiping his eyes. "I was falling in love her and she even said that she could fall in love with me;  but that she knew it would never happen. That fate would intervene. It meant so much to have her in my life. I wanted her to love me and I wanted to give that love right back to her. That's what I wanted more in my life than anything, just to be loved."

"I love ya'," Brian said, with a shrug, "because we're family."

Kevin shook his head, almost omitting a chuckle. "Not that kinda' love, Bri. This was different, when I was around her, suddenly things didn't seem as bad as I logically knew they were. Maybe I was seeking so much for a love that didn't come with legal documents and social workers that I honestly thought if we ever did get together...we'd be invincible. I may seem like I'm always in control and very hardheaded but deep down...I'm just like everybody else."

"And I'm a burden in your life," Brian blurted out. "Maybe if I hadn't been around you could've spent more time with Kit...And maybe.."

"If you keep on saying 'maybe' you're going to become as screwed up as I am," Kevin commented, returning his gaze to Kit's name. "I've been thinking, maybe you should look into legal emancipation when you turn seventeen."

"What?" Brian gasped out.

"You could be on your own," Kevin informed him. "You've been wanting to drop out of school. I guess when you're older you could see about getting emancipated, then you'd be allowed to all make your own decisions and work full-time to support yourself. You and I are always in some fight, maybe you'd be happier alone. Then, perhaps one day you'd save up enough to get away from here and forget this place."

"No!" Brian cried out, forcefully. "I don't want the easy way out!" he hollered, locking eyes with the older man. "I want to stay with you! I know I'm not grateful enough for everything you've done for me, and I complain too much about working at the diner and going to school...And that I've annoyed you during all of this by depending on God and nothing else....I wasn't even there for you when Kit died and I didn't really understand how much you loved her, or that you loved her at all." Tears openly drifted away from his bloodshot eyes, dripping down his face. He sobbed freely, his body shaking with each cry he released. "I'm sorry. I won't do stuff to annoy you anymore. I promise! I'll go to school and work at the diner as much as you want me to! I'll even keep my faith silent. I'll do anything you want me to do. I just can't lose you too. We've lost enough people, we can't afford to lose each other too."

"You're not going to lose me," Kevin said with a sigh. "I'm just thinking about what might be best for you."

"But that isn't what's best for me," Brian argued. "I don't want to be alone. I just get angry a lot because I get jealous of other kids my age that still have their parents and school does tick me off, but when I met Nick and saw how bad things were for him..That changed things. And now I see how sad Patti is to have lost Kit....I don't wanna' end up like that and I don't want you to be alone either."

"You don't have to stick around for my sake."

"I'm not," Brian clarified. "I'm just taking some advice Howie gave me, I'm taking advantage of having you around. We're lucky."

"Somehow, I can't look at anything that's happen to us as luck," Kevin snarled, releasing a hateful tone.

Brian sighed, resting his hands to his knees. "This is one of the main reasons I'm going to miss Kit, you were a better person when she was around."

"Excuse me?" Kevin inquired, glancing over his shoulder at his cousin.

"You were a better person when she was around," Littrell repeated, clearly. "You

were more outgoing and less cautious."

"Yeah, and look what her lack of caution did to her," Kevin shot back, his green eyes narrowing. "It landed her in a coffin."

"At least she wasn't afraid," Brian commented. "She wouldn't let Nick remain homeless and wanted him to have a better life than Social Services could give him. She wasn't afraid to live like you are now. She'd stand up and try to do something about it, even if she might fail in the end."

"Just what the hell is that suppose to mean?"

"Look at you. You just lounge around sulking in your misery. It makes perfect sense to be angry and sad because such a great person died. But maybe you should be doing something in her memory that would've made her proud."

"And just what am I suppose to do?"

Brian stared into Kevin's sad eyes, taking in a deep breath. "Help Nick and AJ before it's too late."

**************************

"I don't like it here," Nick squeaked, drawing his knees to his chest as he took in his new surroundings.

"No shit," AJ replied, emotionlessly. "Not many kids like being trapped in some temporary foster home for the night, but that's just the way it is."

The thirteen-year-old's eyes fearfully searched the premises, studying the plain white walls and black carpeting. The room was mainly open space, only holding two small beds and a tiny closet. "I don't think these people liked us, or the other kids their caring for. The kids that have been somewhere longer never like the new kids, that's always how it goes."

AJ shrugged. "Get used to it, it's probably going to be like this for the rest of our lives until we're eighteen. Nobody's gonna' want you because you're a runaway and nobody's gonna' want me because my uncle is murderer and they'll think I'm the same. Then, we'll be toss out on our own to fend for ourselves. Nobody will give a damn what happens to us."

"I never wanted to see one of these again," Nick mumbled, lifting up the suitcase Brian had given him to pack his belongings.

"What's the big deal about a suitcase?" AJ questioned, glancing down at the item.

"I used to always have to pack one with me," Nick explained, turning away from the brown leather container that held his few possessions. "I always had to have it because I never knew when I'd be leaving. It just kept on reminding me that I'd never have a real home. I really thought I'd get to live with Kevin and Brian."

AJ sighed as he climbed into his bed. "Don't dwell on it, Nick. We might as well accept it. I'm never going to go back to stayin' with Howie and you're never going to go back to Kevin and Brian. We'll both get stuck with some stupid family that will drag us to a bunch of therapy sessions, then neglect us the rest of the day."

"AJ?" Nick called out, meekly.

"What?" AJ asked, flipping onto his side to face the wall.

"I'm glad you're here with me."

McLean sighed, shutting his eyes. "Don't get used to that either. We'll be torn apart soon. There's no sense in being oblivious to everything...I used to do that and it only made me believe that miracles could happen or something. I was wrong."

Nick bit his lip, kneeling on onto his knees to stare out the small window by his bedside. His baby blue eyes stared up at the evening sky, a mass of black decorated with twinkling stars and beaming moonlight.

"God?" he whispered, skeptically as his eyes panned the black night for a sign of Heaven's light. "Umm..." he stammered, fidgeting with his trembling hands. "I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even really there....But, Brian says you are so maybe he's right. Uh...I'm not real good at prayin' and I know I'm probably not your favorite person because I ain't said a lot of nice things about you. But..maybe if you are there you could help me and my friend AJ out," he whispered, looking back over his shoulder at the sleeping rebel. "We both miss our friends...They're the only family we got. And maybe if you could find the time....You could help us get a home with people that really like us. Hmm...um and if my mom and dad are up there could you tell them that I miss them? Oh, and Kit...I guess that's all I know to say. Amen," he rasped, falling back against the mattress.

He paused a moment in thought, looking back out the window. "PS- God, if I'm going to say amen...I better say awomen, too. I don't want you to think I'm a sexist incase you really do exist and you're a chick."

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