A phrase which often feels like a curse to a section of the population known as “FAG HAGS”.
So what is a fag hag? Firstly, it is important to note that there are many different definitions. The term fag-hag stretches from women who simply enjoy the company of gay men, to those who fall in love with gay men, and even those who try to “Convert” gay men into straight men. There are even situations in which Straight Women and Gay Men marry and live happy lives together. I will talk about each in the following sections. I found when researching this topic that little has been written about it in literature. I came across one WONDERFUL book; "Straight Women and Gay Men" by John Malone.
Malone relates the phenomenon of Fag Hags to the commonalities shared between women and gay men. When the Gay Rights Movement was taking flight, it was in the heat of the Women's Movement as well. Both groups were fighting for understanding, and therefore both groups still feel a connection through the movements and a connection through their struggles (Malone 4-5).
I have realized, however, that the media has been recognizing the growing phenomenon with the television shows and movies being released.
History
So is this a new phenomenon? In many cases yes, it is, at least when it comes to the research done on the subject and the openness given to it. Historically there was little opportunity for these types of friendships to occur. Women were married off by their fathers, and for the most part their lives were decided upon by their husbands. Also, because Homosexuality was much less socially acceptable, gay men were forced to keep their identies hidden. The only place where such relationships have occurred for a significant amount of time is in the arts and entertainment fields. Because artists and performers were not considered an "actual" part of society because of their "immoral", "strange", altogether TOO sexual existances (LOL) it did not matter who they were close to. Society could not think any less of them then it already did! (Malone 9).
I feel it is important to note that it is not necessarily true that all sensitive "sissy" boys end up being gay or that all gay men are sensitive.
Yet it seems that most fag hags tend to associate with more sensitive men that are seen by
society as "Sissies" becasue they have the traits discussed.
This factor is one I found recurring in interviews. There are varying degrees in which it demonstrates itself. Gay men are safe, firstly, because there is no sexual threat. If a woman spends time with a gay man, there is no threat of sexual tension, or aggression. They are "Safe" because each party knows that the relationship is just friendship. (This does not apply to "Converters" but we'll come back to that.)
Malone also interviewed women. One woman offered the explanation of her connection with gay men as this, "A straight man usually has a woman around, a wife or a firlfriend, and she has a lot to say about who the man's friends will be" (Malone 12). With gay men, partners feel little threat with female friends because, just as gay an are safe to women, women are safe to gay men.
Some men interviwed talked about the fact that when growing up and discovering that they were gay,
girls tended to be more interested in art, theatre, films and books. It was the commonalities they shared that made girls more comfortable to them (Malone 45).
From the men I interviewed, straight women were safe because they would not ridicule their life. Boys would be the ones calling them derogatory names, while girls would comfort them and spend time with them. Girl were less judgemental in their lives. When I was growing up, my best friend (let's call him Marty) was gay. I was the first person he told. I knew long before he did. Both my parents and his parents thought we would get married. We spent every possible minute together. I was important because I knew, he made me feel important for the same reason. The relationship was strong because we both knew the trust involved. In cases where the person isn't out to the world, many straight women feel a sense of self-worth
in the fact that they have been entrusted with such an important and sacred secret.
One woman (Susan) interviewed talks about the Mommy tendencies. She loves her gay male friends
because she can take care of them. She helps them do their laundry, cooks for them, pampers them when they are sick.
It is an opportunity to care for another person who likes equally to be taken care of. This is
not to say all gay men are child like, but Susan seeks out those that need her. It makes her feel like an
important part of their lives. I personally experienced this phenomenon in reverse. I had two
gay friends who acted like my Mommy and Daddy, buying me presents, dressing me up (since I have
NO fashion sense according to them.) They even bought me a hamster and tucked me into bed at night.
Through this relationship we each felt a sense of family and each fulfilled a role that we
were longing to play.
“I’m in need of a heterosexual code red!” (In and Out)
There are some women who see it as a personal goal to "Fix" or change gay men into straight men.
They see Homosexuality as a choice, not an innate identity. These women
are often simply looking for a challenge. It is not that they necessarily
feel that homosexuality is wrong, yet that heterosexuality is a better
choice. Converters are often very abrasive according to one gay man I interviewed. We will call him
"Michael". Michael recounts several experiences of women trying to convince him that being
straight would make them incredibly happy. That sex with women is
much more fulfilling, especially if it is sex with them. Michael told
me that though he loves his fag hag friends (The ones focused soley on friendship)
converters scare him. "They are too pushy. They can't understand
that this is just the way I am!"
Converters stem from the social idea that homosexuality is a phase. That often gay men
are merely experimenting and that they will eventually settle down with a nice girl.
Their existance and tactics also ake it clear that these women are being aggressive in trying
to find relationships, yet are not comfortable persuing straight men, possibly for the reasons
discussed earlier. Gay men are more similar and easier to relate to then straight men as a
whole. The aggressive qualities are similar to the idea of being "Proactive", or taking
an active role in changing your life. It is the attitude that you have to go out and get what
you want, even if it may be something out of reach.
If a woman is trying to change someone to make their own lives better, it shows a problem with
the ways in which that woman was taught to associate, and also demonstrates the problems that
stem from a society riddled with phobias and stereotypes.
Malone discusses the commonality of marriage between Fag Hags and Gay Men as being much more common then most people would think. The statistics he refers to states that about 20% of gay men have been married at least once (Malone 7). This statistic, (Much higher then I would have thought) shows that for whatever the reason, relationships between these two facets of society are not only common, but in a sense mainstream, if not openly stated to the general public.
One woman's recount of her situation is this,
"My husband provides me with money and sex, and Luis provieds me with entertainment-- it's as simple as that. I love my husband, but he's a workaholic. He doesn't have the time or inclination for frivolity. Luis and I go to the theatre, films, and night clubs, and have a marvelous time. We're even been disco dancing at Studio 54, and it was he who got us in. I pay for most of our excursions, of course, but Luis
is constantly bringing me little presents." (Malone 23)
The situation above is interesting because it would not seem strange at all if Luis instead was a female friend, yet would seem like an affair if he was a straight man. The rules in such a case are blurry. There is an idea that a woman spending all her free time with another man constitutes cheating, yet in this case there is no sex involved. The existance of such situations is also quite common. Many of the women I talked to discussed their desire to have a gay man around for the "Fun" aspects of life, just as Luis provides for the woman above. There seems to be an acceptance of men as an alternative when women need to get away from their husbands and just want to have a good time.
The premise of In and Out has to do with a man who does not realize he is gay, and is engaged to an unknowing fag hag. When watching the movie their relationship becomes a symbol for what many fag hags experience. Joan Cusak plays the fiance. Her personal turmoils with self-esteem issues and her fear of becoming an old maid are very common fears of many of the women I talked to. There is a commonality between the women I interviewed that often self-esteems have suffered due to their experiences with straight men. When she discovers (at her wedding) that her fiance (Kevin Kline) is gay, her reactions display frustrations that develop often given the circumstances of being a Fag Hag unwillingly. She runs around town searching desperately for a straight man, encountering more gay men. She is part of a group that falls in love with the sensitive types, not knowing that she has become part of a Closet attempt. The Object of My Affection is the story of a woman who knows that her friend is gay. They have a close relationship, and when she finds out she is pregnant asks him to move in and be the "father" because the biological father is not someone she wants raising her child. She feels like they have a "marriage" type of relationship, yet he longs for a personal life. This is also a sensation that often occrus. Women may look for a companionship and find such with a gay man, not realizing that often the man involved is looking for more. One of the interviewees I talked to told of her grandmother who, for 12 years, dated a gay man, never admitting he was gay but somehow always knowing. She was older, searching for someone to spend her life with, even if sex was not a part of their relationship. He was in part using her as a cover so that others would not realize his orientation, but also dearly valued their friendship. They still remain close, yet the grandmother finally had to distance her desires for she was looking for a mutual love that he was not able to provide. At the end of The Object of My Affection, the woman finds another whom she can reach her needs with, while the gay man remains a close part of her and her child's life. He plays the "uncle" part in the life of the little girl, yet both the adults realize that, though companionship is necessary, each needed things the other could not give.
Since the premiere of Will and Grace on NBC, the idea of fag hags has become more accepted. The show's premise is that Grace Adler, an interior designer, moved in with her gay best friend Will Truman, a lawyer. The show has a more "tradtionally" (as in stereotypically effeminite) gay character, Jack. Though each of the characters can be critiqued for their simplistic characteristics and being representative of common stereotypes, it is also a gutsy show that brings to light the reality that often women feel a special connection with their gay, male friends. The show brings the situation of fag hags into the light of mainstream lifestyles. It has paved the way for a subject that needs to be talked about and understood. In researching this topic it would be easy to critique fag hags as psychologically looking for things they can't have; mascochistic in a sense that they look for rejection. It would be easy to simplify the facts as a response to gay men being "woman-like" and therefore associating with women. It would be easy to criticize the choice. But I find that being a Fag Hag is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a way of life. It is finding one's self through whoever you feel connected to, and if they happen to be gay men, so be it. When I first was labeled "Fag Hag" I was ashamed. But it is nothing to be ashamed of. I am proud to be a Fag Hag.
I performed several informal interviews with self-proclaimed Fag Hags, as well as several gay men. To keep anonimity the real names will not be used. In regards to her relationships with gay men, one women, we will call Maria, said that one of her gay male friends once called her a mother earth fag hag. She saw herself as a Gaea type figure with little gay men hanging off her body like jewelry. She felt more secure with gay men in her life because of the commonalities in interests that she shared with them as well as the "Safety Factor". 
MEDIA
Be proud of who you are. It will only make others more proud to know you.
Please sign the guestbook to make your pride in yourself known or share ideas
Malone, John Williams. Straight Women, Gay Men: A Special Relationship. New York: Dial Press, 1980.
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