MoRe FuCkEd uP sHiT cOnTiNuEd...
Theories of Great Philosophers
while under the influence of narcotic substances
The Elvis is God Theory...
Elvis is god and he lives on Uranus. To the unimaginiative this may see impossible but heres my reasoning. Nothing is what it seems, the stars arent really there, neither is the sky, its all the works of Elvis. When Elvis Aaron Presley died August 16 1977 he went to a *higher* place. He went to Mars and saw that England had been moved there (reefer to Billllllllllllllys mars-england connection) and see Elvis didnt like England because the Beatles lived there and stuff and they were like all popular and he didnt want to be in the shadow of them, sooooo he went to Uranus and there he stays. And up there he has this really big mirror thats enclosing the Earth, like the ozone, and its got this crack in it that he made and at night he sticks his head in it to block out the sun and make it dark, and the rhinestones of his studded jumpsuits, which he constantly wears, reflect onto the mirror and since its cracked it refracts the stars to look like theres a million, but really there arent any at all. And the clouds are from when Elvis smokes crack, which he does every once in a while. Now this PROVES that the world revolves around Elvis, for he is the King!
My Theory on Billlllllllly...
(written while extremely stoned, typed as written all mistakes included, alls I can say is it made sense at the time)
Billlllly is retarted. He is like so fucking stupid. So like he is fucking dumb. So maybe hell need to go get shop ut. And it feels stoned because he is retarded. So if he so retarded that because he feels stoned all the time if he got stoned he'd feel normal. So he would need to be unstoned to feel normal and held need to be stoned a lot to be stoned fel stoned. THE END. So in conclusion if he was stoned to feel normal he would feel stoned but really he'd be unstoned but he wouldnt know it and think he was stoned.
My Theory of Pink Floyd and Gas...
Me and Jen have a little smoke up tradition called "Pink Floyd Fridays", which we usually miss and have on saturdays or basically any day of the week, but still they're called Pink Floyd Fridays. And what we do is we sit up in my room with all the lights out except for some x-mas lights, a lite-brite and sometimes candles or whatever and we listen to pink floyd and get really stoned. And we coined the name for this ritual when i was talking about a whole bunch of messed up shit about 2 Cent Tuesdays at the gas station and called it our Pink Floyd Fridays and she starts laughing and says "You just compared Pink Floyd to gas" and i was like, "I compared Pink Floyd to gas only in the sense that they are words that start with the same letter as a day of the week." And now that I think about it Pink Floyd starts with a P, so technically all I said then means shit now. Oh fuck it, all the more reason to have a Pink Floyd Friday.
All of the 48 States Including Alaska
RENAMED
Alabama --- Al-a-bam-her
Alaska --- Al-ask-ya-why-this-state-sucks
Arkanas --- Ar-kans-ass
Arizona --- Raising Arizona
California --- Cali-found-ya
Colorado --- Coloring-book-ado
Connecticut --- Conn-ect-i-cunt
Delaware --- Dela-beware-of-god
Florida --- Fag-et-a
Georgia --- Curious Georgia
Hawaii --- Come-to-Hawaii-and-get-leied
Idaho --- I-da-hoe-u-da-ho
Illinios --- Bill-a-noids
Indiana --- New India
Iowa --- I-owe-ya
Kansas --- Kans-ass
Kentucky --- Kunt-ucky
Louisianna --- Lois-is-Anna
Maine --- Paine
Maryland --- Mary-Land
Massachusettes --- Mass-a-Jew-settes
Michigan --- Michellen
Minnesota --- Minnie Pop
Mississippi --- M-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i
Missouri --- Misery
Montana --- Butt Montana
Nebraska --- Not Alaska
New Hampshire --- New Hampster
New Jersey --- New Jerky
New Mexico --- Go-back-to-Mexico
New York --- Now Yuck
Nevada --- Las Vegas
North Carolina --- South Carolina
North Dakota --- N. Da-kot-er Ring
Oklahoma --- Oklo-is-a-homo
Ohio --- O-i-wish-i-was-high-o
Oregon --- Ore-get-your-gunn
Pennsylvannia --- Pencil Factory
Rhode Island --- Rhode Penninsula
South Carolina --- North Carolina
South Dakota --- S. Da-tok-er Ring
Tennesse --- Tennesse Tuxedo
Texas --- (Rep. of) Tex-ass
Utah --- Mormon (silent m) State
Virginia --- Virgin
Vermont --- Vermin
Washington --- Washington's Dead
West Virginia --- West Virgin
Wisconsin --- Wisconsin the beer state
Wyoming --- Wy-am-i-living-here
Tang 4eva-
Ballad of the Wu
(Sung to the tune of the Chimney Sweep Song from Mary Poppin..chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chimp cha-roo)
Inspectah Deck, Inspectah Deck
RZA and GZA
The Wu is 4eva
And I'm French Vanilla
U-God is glowin
And i need Wu-Wear
Grand Union is open
I'll cash my check there
I need $29.99, no CODs
For my Wu Tang membership and free profanitied CDs
While supplies last I betta hurry up
And steal my moms food stamps from her fatass gut
Method Man's flippin me off
And lighin a blunt
His hairy ass betta recognize
And betta not front
Ol Dirty Bastard has fucked up teeth
They're yellow and crooked
Cuz he eats Jo Mama's beef
Raekwon is fat and ugly
And i bet he sucks bone
When his mama's not around
And he's all alone
Ghostface and Masta Killah are long lost twin brothas
They got the name Killah
Cuz they both shot they mothah
Inspectah Deck is the 5th brother Wu
His nose is all smashed in
And he's the color of doo doo
RZA and GZA are bitin off each otha
They ripped off their names
And fucked each otha's brotha
That was the story of 9 cracked out souls
They're mad at whitey for smokin they bowls
They charge too much for Wu Wear merchandise
They wear their pants backwards and thinks it looks nice
They talk about respect but they don't respect they hoes
They think they're cool but no one knows. . .
That they are all connected as the black community grows!
Why I Love Walmart:
An Ode To The Best Place On Earth
I love Walmart
they sell the coolest snat
its my favorite place
cuz thats where the funs at
Walmart has cool toys,
dead fish + clothes by Kathy Lee
and theyve got sucky security
so almost everythings free
Walmart sells shitty music
they censor every other cd
I wont buy that sort of crap
so it doesnt bother me
Walmart is the greatest
theyve got a Micky D's
I love to visit Ronald
even though he kinda scares me
You can buy eveything at Walmart
that you'd ever need
and they have real low prices
I wanna get a job there, and show I can succeed
So thats why I love Walmart
Goodjuicy is gonna die there
its gonna be real cool
remember safety first, cuz theres gonna be blood everywhere.
UN GOWA BLACK POWER, DESTROY MR. BLACK!
Mr. Black smokes crack
in the back
of the shack
in his cadillac
then he whacks
off his friend Jack
then smokes more crack
thats Mr. Black!
Scotty Potty you're the one
you make potty time oh so fun
Scotty Potty, Potty Scotty
I want to potty on Scotty
cause Scotty is a potty
Potty Scotty, Scotty Potty.
take your pet
to the vet
in a net
with a jet
and get Met
it pays!
its in a jar
its in your car
its in a drawer
its on the floor
its on a sock
so get a mop
its cum
billllllly says "yum!"
A poem by Jen...
Your eyes are red
your balls are blue
it would hurt
if I kicked you.
Bald Dudes in Bands-
Past + Present:
Pantera
Marilyn Manson
Bush
Wallflowers
Henry Rollins Band
Goldfinger
Stabbing Westward
Nine Inch Nails
Smashing Pumpkins
Rage Against the Machine
R.E.M.
Presidents of the U.S.A.
Korn
Aqua
Sublime
Chumbawhumba
Filter
Anthrax
Limp Bizkit
Portishead
Shitbox Band
Moby
KMFDM
Beasty Boys
Live
No Doubt
Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Third Eye Blind
Radiohead
Machinehead
Wank
z
My Turn
A poem by Karl and Alissa
Oh how I love my turn
and the smell of the weed as it burns
I take a hit and pass it on
and then my turn is gone
I don't mind the wait if it comes back
still burning or freshly packed
if it's plagurized and doesn't return
then I'll be pissed cuz I missed my turn
smoking weed is lots of fun
and I get really stoned by the thime we're done
that's why my turn is so great
especially when I don't have to wait
I wish it was my turn all the time...
Lets go buy another dime.
How to be Jesus-
A Step by Step Guide to Becoming the Messiah
-gotta walk on water
-have facial hair
-gotta have that feminine look
-gotta wear sandals
-gotta be a pocket fisherman
-should be able to sing
-gotta like playing with tools (preferably your own, but if you ever get bored Moses' are open to the public)
-should have some wood - to make a cross
-magical healing powers
-mother must be a virgin
-gotta hang out with Lepers
-gotta inspire pedophiles
-oh yea, gotta be the bastard son of the lord
50 Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church
1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4.Un-tune the piano.
5.Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11.Start a wave.
12.Do cool things with the lighting.
13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
16.Make up your own words to the songs.
17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
20.Dress all in black, or in camo.
21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of metallic sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
31.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38.Blow bubbles.
39.Fake a possession.
40.Distribute condoms.
41.Speak in tongues.
42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43.Drool in the collection plate.
44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
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BaCk To ThE MaIn PaGe
Our Xmas Album
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