Deep Thoughts
REMEMBER THESE FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE? ABOUT THE ONLY THING THEY GOT GOING FOR THEM
LATELY.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the
courses should be laughing, then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But
then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just
looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the
patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?"
and you'd say, "Aw get the hell outta here," and then he probably wouldn't
even pay his bill.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you
say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask
for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd
probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy
said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and
started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say,
"That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then
everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of
the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all
get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too,
and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just
slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula
AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and
"ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
ambition.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to
that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things
never leave you.
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those
ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I
believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe
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