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JOKES AND QUOTES ABOUT
NEW YORK CITY

Being a New Yorker is never having to say you're sorry.
LILY TOMLIN

"New York is a diamond iceberg floating in river water."
TRUMAN CAPOTE

New York is where you can get the best cheap meal and the lousiest expensive meal in the country.
ROBERT C. WEAVER

In yet another effort to clean up New York City the mayor urged the City Council to pass legislation that would require alternate side of the street urinating.
DENNIS MILLER

I'll bet if George M. Cohan were alive today he wouldn't be telling all the gang at 42nd Street he'd soon be there.
H. MARTIN

Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
JOHNNY CARSON

There was an item in the paper today. A lion got loose in the Central Park Zoo. And was severely mauled.
BOB NEWHART

It's a great city. It's very culturally enriching. I now understand English in seven foreign accents.
ANITA WISE

"New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world."
DAVID LETTERMAN

My uncle got a job driving a cab. He had the cab parked right in front of Grand Central Station, and an Episcopal bishop got into my uncle's cab. He said, "Take me to Christ Church." So my uncle took him up to St. Patrick's Cathedral. And the bishop got mad. He said, "I said Christ Church." And my uncle said, "Look, if he's not here he's not in town!"
JIMMY JOYCE

"I can't even enjoy a blade of grass unless I know there's a subway handy."
FRANK O'HARA

New York is like living inside Stephen King's brain during an aneurysm. It's The Land of Genetic Close Calls. There are alot of people there who missed being another species by one chromosome. Look -- that guy could've been a badger. There's Crab Man...And it's like a financial skeet shoot. Someone hollers PULL and your wallet flies out.
KEVIN ROONEY

The National Council on Psychic Research have officially designated this to be true. If you are passing through New York City and you must even change planes here, that counts; that experience of changing planes in New York City now officially counts as a near-death experience.
DAVID LETTERMAN

Only real New Yorkers can find their way around in the subway. If just anybody could find his way around in the subway, there wouldn't be any distinction in being a real New Yorker except talking funny.
CALVIN TRILLIN

In New York crime is getting worse. I was there the other day. The Statue of LIberty had both hands up.
JAY LENO

New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude. I said I'd like a card. He said, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

If you're planning to travel to New York City, do yourself a favor -- this is a lot of fun -- check into a Times Square hotel. And take the Bible out of the night stand there, if it hasn't already been stolen, of course. And open up to the ten commandments and go to the window, and on a good day you can check the commandments off as you see them being broken.
DAVID LETTERMAN

Now folks, all I know is what little news I read every day in the paper. I see where another wife out on Long Island in New York shot her husband. Season opened a month earlier this year...Never a day passes in New York without some innocent bystander being shot. You just stand around this town long enough and be innocent and somebody's gonna shoot ya.
WILL ROGERS

"Nothing smells as bad as somebody else's food on the bus."
CY KOTTICK

"New York is the only city in the world where you can get deliberately run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian."
RUSSELL BAKER

"New York...pandemonium with a big grin on."
TOM WOLFE

"There's no room for amateurs, even in crossing the streets."
GEORGE SEGAL

Victim: "You know, I watched all those 'I Love New York' commercials back in Youngstown...with all the Broadway actors singing and dancing...but they never mention the people with knives."
Cop: "Well, they only have a minute."
"BARNEY MILLER" tv series

"The rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing communist Jewish homosexual pornographers. I think of us that way sometimes and I live here."
WOODY ALLEN in "Annie Hall."

New York is a funny town. You can drown in whiskey and starve to death. Everybody says have a drink -- nobody says have something to eat.
NIPSEY RUSSELL

New York: homes, homes everywhere, and not a place to live.
DON HEROLD

Let me give you a tourist tip. If you want to go to New York bring your camera there, because you'll see things you'll never see again. The first thing you'll never see again is your camera.
MIKE REYNOLDS

"The city is an addiction."
TIMOTHY LEARY

"Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants."
ANDY WARHOL

"The car is useless in New York...the same with good manners."
MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN

"New York is a city where everyone mutinies but no one deserts."
HARRY HERSHFIELD

"New York is a place where the rich walk, the poor drive Cadillacs, and beggars die of malnutrition with thousands of dollars hidden in their mattresses."
DUKE ELLINGTON

"The nation's thyroid gland."
CHRISTOPHER MORLEY

"I finally found something here that reminds me of Iowa. The buses. They're like cattle cars. You could die in one and nobody would know, or care.I don't know why I bother with clean underwear."
"DOUBLE TROUBLE" TV series

I used to live about an hour's drive outside of New York. Twenty minutes if you walked.
MIKE GUIDO

New York -- in the event of a nuclear attack it'll look the same as it did before.
BILLY CONNOLLY

"Every true New Yorker believes with all his heart that when a New Yorker is tired of New York, he is tired of life."
ROBERT MOSES

When you leave New York you're camping out.
JACKIE GLEASON