"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #02/01-009
Welcome to February. A whole month of Conan has passed already, time flies when you're having... fun? Test your knowledge and your memory of what's happened so far this year in our new monthly quiz, contributed to "NEE-HA!" by DejaVu. Twenty questions, no prizes for getting it right, just a smug look and some self-satisfaction in knowing that you got 20/20.
In the 'top tens' section of "NEE-HA!" this week Kristen reveals that she once wrote a letter to Conan telling him of her undying obsession for him. I must confess I once did the same thing, it was a while ago, but the embarrassment of it still burns hotly in my mind whenever I think about it, or when someone asks me where I got the autographed photo from. The letter I wrote was sooooo embarrassing and extremely gushy, I even wrote, 'I love you more than shoes.' And the rest of it wasn't much better. I wondered if any of the readers have had a similar experience. Have you ever wrote an embarrassing letter to anyone at Late Night? Tell us about it. Please put "BLUSHING TO INFINITY" as your subject heading. Go on--you know you want to.
This week we have the second part of the excellent PLAYBOY interview. Again any infringement of copyright is purely unintentional. JayDee wrote to me saying, "Thanks so much for doing the 'PLAYBOY' interview. I can't get it otherwise--if my parents caught me buying that magazine I'd be like, so dead." Well that's the excuse I'll use when they come after me with their copyright people. The leader of the free world has had another tough week, and what kind of a person would I be to ignore this? We've dedicated our monologue jokes section to all the Clinton jibes as seen on "Late Night" this year. Let's get it awn!
LA 'COB' Gallacher
Editor
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CONTENTS (part 1)
DEAR DIZZA - the truth is like, out there...
LATE NIGHT POLL - "Bring on the Jimmy!"
LIVE@6A from Brooke
MONOLOGUE JOKES: "The Clinton Collection" by Robin Banks
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
QUIZ by DejaVu
CONTENTS (part 2)
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW (part 2)
TEN REASONS THAT PROVE I LOVE CONAN by Kristen
UPCOMING GUESTS - Feb. 2 - 6
WEEK IN REVIEW - Jan. 26 - 30.
END QUOTE
FYI
QUIZ ANSWERS
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DEAR DIZZA
Dear Dizza is recognized and accepted as a somewhat skilled counsellor for Late Night Addiction. Her experience includes, but is not limited to, weeks of intense education and training in coping with the devastating but fun effects of Late Night Addiction, which she herself openly admits to having.
Her advice is sought out by thousands (well, at least sixteen people anyway, but potentially it's thousands) and she welcomes your pathetic cries for help as she "leads you down the Conaningly-crazed path to a happier-yet wackier future!
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Dear Dizza,
I totally overhauled my wardrobe when Conan told us that brown is the "new black." Brown is so not my color. I look like an idiot. It doesn't suit me. I have no money left to buy new clothes now. So am I destined to wear brown for the rest of my life? What can I do?
"The Brown Dandy"
Dear Dandy,
Yes, until further notice from Conan....stick with brown. I'm assuming by your name that you saw Conan in his movie epic "The Brown Dandy". It inspired so many of us. You might want to follow his character's example and arrange to have an unfortunate accident with a large bottle of brown dye. Hopefully, you'll be left with eyes that see only brown and then you won't have to worry how idiotic you look in brown.......because to you, everyone else will seem to look the same way!! And then you'll look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Ah brown! Beautiful brown."
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Dear Dizza,
I love it when Conan sings my baby to sleep with his lullabies. It works. I wish Conan would sing more lullabies because my baby cries a lot during the show and nothing else seems to put him to sleep. Are there any songs you could recommend singing to him Dizza? I need to watch Conan without the constant screaming. Help!
"From a new Mom in Massachusetts"
Dear New Mom,
Let's get you some help!! Here is Conan and Andy's "Hide & Seek" Song that was featured during their Time Travel Week. Try singing this to him. I'm sure it will work just as well.
"Just another slumber party after a Friday show
A bedtime game of Hide & Seek
Hurry! Come on! Let's go!
Conan and Andy thought they knew a perfect place to hide
A scary old room they heard about
Told never to go inside!"
Yes, the lyrics could be a little frightening, and the next verse is even scarier, but like Conan sings, "It's a funny thing you know.... Their comprehension is very low. It doesn't matter what you say....." So try it. I'm sure it will work just as well.
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Dear Dizza,
I'm an alien. No really. I know you'll just laugh, but I swear on my left tentacle that I am, indeed an extraterrestrial biological life form. I drink green milk, coloring it with food dye. That's weird even to aliens - who like their milk as nature intended - semi-skinned and white.
"SpaceWhore in Sirrius A"
Dear SpaceWhore,
Welcome Intergalactic Friend!! (Or should I say,"Nanoo-Nanoo.) I raise my hand to you with the universal Vulcan gesture for "Live long and prosper!"
I'm sure I speak on behalf of all the Late Night Fans out there reading this when I say we always knew there was intelligent life in the universe besides us, and we knew it would be the comedy of Conan O'Brien that would UNITE US ALL!!!
Since you mentioned milk, as a sign of friendship and peace, won't you join me in singing a verse from Conan O'Brien's "Down 'N Dirty" Rock song about milk?
"Give me anotha'
Give me anotha'
Give me anotha'.........glasss of milk.......Pleeeeeeeze Momma!"
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Dear Dizza,
Am I sick? I have become so obsessed with my desk at work, secretly waiting for Conan to take me for a desk drive. What can I do?
"Desk-Demented"
Dear Desk-Demented,
Listen to me! Say it with me," I AM NOT SICK." There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. Just be careful. Have your desk tuned up regularly by a good desk mechanic and of course follow all safety rules, remembering to park ONLY in areas with clearly marked "Desk Accessible" signs!
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"We all get hurt by love, and we all have our cross to bear, but in the name of understanding now, a problem should be shared..." Divulge that dilemma to Dizza. Put 'DEAR DIZZA' in your subject heading and send it to: Dizza@aol.com
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LATE NIGHT POLL - "Bring on the Jimmy!"
Last week's "Late Night Poll" question was do you want to see more of Max and the MW7 on the show, playing more of their music and perhaps showcasing each individual band member's particular talent.
Well we got more of a mixed reaction to that question that I had anticipated. Agreed we all love Max and the MW7, "The MW7 has got to be one of the best bands out there!" says Smith and Jay says, "Yes, I would definitely want to see more of the MW7 on the show." Nick said, "Seeing as how the MW7 is the best band on TV, I'd definitely like to see them perform on air." According to Sam, "They're the best talk show band period." "They don't get the attention they deserve," writes Lisa.
Karen and Tracy both mentioned the old pop-up video spoof they used to do. "I wish they would bring back that nifty pop up video spoof... or at least do more skits featuring the band." Says Karen
Not everyone agreed with that though, Rachel wrote, "Sorry, but I happen to think that plenty of play time comes from Max., I love his music, but I don't want it to become like Letterman or Leno when the damned musician is interrupting every other sentence with a cheezy bit of a song."
What about seeing individual band members showcasing their talents on the show? "I'm split," says Claudia, "because I would like to hear more as a band effort and more solo efforts too. I think the music and talent are great enough to where you could have both things." Tracy says "I think that's a great idea.... because after all, they're the best band in all of late-night and deserve to get credit for it." Brooke said, "In answer to your question, I would like the band to learn some new songs, and then play THOSE on the show! They're a great band, but they're still playing the same group of songs as a few years ago when I first started watching. I'd also like to see individual members showcased.
Speaking of showcasing the talents of particular or individual band members, you couldn't speak highly enough about Jimmy Vivino. I hand you over to "Late Night Addict," Dizza: "YES!!! Oh please YES!!!! I vote to give Jimmy Vivino the opportunity to showcase his incredible talent on Late Night. Jimmy Vivino is THE BEST!!!! The VERY BEST!!!!!!!! MORE JIMMY!!! We can't get enough of Jimmy. The Late Night Addicts on AOL have even written a song for him. We have given him the nickname JOEY VINO!" We all love Jimmy Vivino, Dawn is crazy for him she says, "I am so crazy about Jimmy Vivino that I will plunge into a deep state of depression if this talented man is not given more time to play some of his own music on the show. Give us more Jimmy Vivino. There is no way to escape the Jimmy Vivino fever and once you have it you need to have your fix, a shot of blues played like only Jimmy Vivino can play them. I love the man. In other words (duh) I vote yes to giving him more time to play on Late Night."
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This week I was you to tell me what your least favorite image was as seen on Late Night. What really disgusted you? I've put a few suggestions below, but please feel free to suggest your own least favorite image ever.
"Hungry Eyes"
The woman who ate what looked like a live cockroach on "Guests We'll never have back"
A man vomiting during a good old-fashioned "Staring Contest"
The Sphincter Cowboy
Send your answers before Friday, Feb. 6 to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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LIVE@6A from Brooke
I visited New York during the end of November 1996, and attended a taping of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. It was a totally new and interesting experience, which I will not forget soon. The first thing I noticed when I entered the studio was that the stage/band area was puny compared to what it looks like on TV, but the audience area was about the same. On the elevator ride up, the page had told us the whole list of things we couldn't do during the show: leave the studio, yell, etc. They lined us up, and we spent the next twenty minutes or so filing up and down the hallways, which were covered with still shots from the show
When we finally sat down, Mike Sweeney came out to warm up the audience, and told us to ignore the rules the page had told us. In fact, as we were informed, Sweeney didn't care if we even smoked crack. He then joked about some French people in the audience because they couldn't understand what he was saying. "Ha ha! You stood in line all that time, and you won't even be able to understand the show!!!"
Next, the band was introduced basketball-star style, and they ran in one by one. They played really well, like they sound on TV, but they were way too loud. After the show was over and I left the studio, I couldn't hear right for about twenty minutes. The band played a few songs, and then Conan came out.
We cheered, but he didn't sing a song for us. He just went "Uh-HUH!!!" a few times, and told us who the guests would be. Cindy Crawford (he growled a few times), Julia Sweeney, and Chris Isaak. On a side note, I must remark that while Conan was talking, he stared at me almost the whole time. As flattering as that may seem to some of you girls out there, in the words of George Takei, "it kind of creeped me out!" Other people who have seen the show talk about how different Conan and Andy are before the show, but I didn't notice any difference at all. Conan didn't really look different in person, except for his hair. It looked bigger. When Max was drumming during the theme song and the camera wasn't on him, he wasn't grinning as usual; he looked like a normal person!!!
The interviews went fine, but the second comedy bit was a disappointment. It was the first appearance of the "Wussy wagon," a group of violently whining businessmen in a large red wagon. I know a lot of people like this skit, but I never have, apart from the one that James Woods was in. The "Wussy wagon" was rolled into the studio, an actor playing the missing wussy pretending to be a cameraman was put into it, and it was rolled out. That was it. During the commercial breaks, a man who looked like he was under a great deal of stress would take a break from his pacing, and go talk to Conan until he started to look worried. And then Conan would talk to Andy, and they would both look worried until the break was over. I assume he was producer, Jeff Ross, but I don't know.
Later, during a commercial break, Conan announced that they needed to film a ten second promo, and he told us to be quiet. They rolled the cameras, and he said something like "Watch the show tonight. I discover that Cindy Crawford hates me more in real life than in my fantasies." Since we had been told to stay quiet, nobody laughed except for a few brave people who chuckled. Obviously not aware that he had confused us, Conan got a half surprised, half exasperated look on his face, let out a loud sigh, and the camera zoomed in on his face for the remainder of the ten seconds. That night, they put together a ten second compilation of clips from the show, and showed that instead.
A few days later, I got to sneak backstage at Late Night, and even got a souvenir (all you Dino Stamatopoulos fans will love this), but I'll save that for part 2...
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MONOLOGUE JOKES "The Clinton Collection" by Robin Banks
**Clinton on TOMMY LEE**
"In a new poll that just came out President Clinton was voted the most admired man of 1997. After hearing this the President said, 'That's weird, I would have voted for Tommy Lee.'"
**Clinton on EXCUSES**
"Contrary to reports President Clinton said he is not going to de-claw Socks the cat. The President went on to say, 'I can't, he's my alibi when I have scratches on my back."
**Clinton on ANIMAL BEHAVIOR**
"On the Whitehouse lawn yesterday, Socks the cat slapped Buddy the dog because he was getting too close. After the fight President Clinton said, 'Isn't it amazing how they imitate human behavior.'"
**Clinton on FUNDRAISERS**
"Last night President Clinton went to a fundraiser here in New York City attended by Christie Brinkley and Uma Thurman. When asked about it the President said, 'I don't know what we were raising money for, but who the hell cares!?!'"
**Clinton on PAULA JONES**
"On Sunday President Clinton met with Paula Jones fact-to-face. Afterwards the President said, 'If we had met face-to-face the first time, none of this would ever have happened.'"
**Conan O'Brien on HILARY CLINTON**
"Hilary Clinton talked to the press. She said that while the president was testifying in the Paula Jones case, she was doing some household chores. Little things like sewing the president's pants to his shirts."
**Clinton on SCORING**
"President Clinton is now being accused of having sex with a 22-year-old Whitehouse intern. In response the president said, 'That's ridiculous. If I couldn't score with Paula Jones, how could I get a 22-year old intern?'"
**Clinton on INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS**
"President Clinton met with PLO leader Yasser Arafat today. Afterwards the President said the meeting went well and they did not have sex."
**Conan O'Brien on HUMAN RIGHTS**
"There's a lot of controversy going on about a vacation photo that was printed of President Clinton and Hillary in their bathing suits. Some people think it violates the first family's right to privacy and others think it violates our right never to see the President and Hillary in their bathing suits."
**Conan O'Brien on NEWS**
"Everyone is talking about the three new names in Washington this week, Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp and President Gore."
**Conan O'Brien on CHEERLEADERS**
"On Sunday, as is traditional, the team that win the Super Bowl is gonna get a phone call from President Clinton. Then the Cheerleaders will be subpoenaed by Kenneth Starr."
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"Yesterday President Clinton told the men and women in his cabinet that he is innocent of the sex charges against him. Unfortunately his credibility was hurt by the fact that they were all in a hot tub at the time."
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"On secretly recorded tapes Monica Lewinsky says that President Clinton gave her several gifts including a dress. In response the President said, 'I wasn't giving her the dress, I was just returning it.'"
**Conan O'Brien on SIMILARITIES**
"Several news organizations have been pointing out the comparisons between President Clinton's sex scandal and 'Watergate,' they're saying the two are similar. However, the main difference is this time we know the identity of Deep Throat."
**Conan O'Brien on STATE OF THE UNION**
"Earlier today President Clinton gave his State Of The Union Address. He reminded Americans that the economy is strong, crime is down and oral sex is not adultery."
**Conan O'Brien on THE MEDIA**
"I was reading the newspaper the and this is strange, no one's talking about this, President Clinton was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. It was a little story on page 32 right after the interview with Monica Lewinsky's third grade teacher."
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"According to CBS news a few weeks ago Monica Lewinsky threw a screaming fit outside the Whitehouse because they wouldn't let her in. Which is really strange coz next week the same thing could happen to President Clinton."
**Conan O'Brien on THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS**
"Did you see the State Of The Union Address? It was very long by State of The Union Address standards--it lasted 71 minutes. I think the President's plan was to make it last three years."
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"Earlier today President Clinton visited the University of Illinois. Apparently it's just another stop on his annual intern talent search."
**Conan O'Brien on THE CONSPIRIACY THEORY**
"Yesterday Kenneth Starr denied Hillary Clinton's accusation that this whole sex scandal is part of a right-wing conspiracy. Starr said, 'That's not true, it's more of a witch hunt."
**Conan O'Brien on SHOCKING DISCOVERIES**
"On the 'Today' show yesterday morning Hillary Clinton said she didn't know anything about the scandal until she woke up last Wednesday morning. Then she rolled over and found Monica Lewinsky lying next to her."
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
Rarely in television do we see what can be classified as a Perfect Hour of entertainment. Oh, sure. There's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" or professional bowling but those are the exceptions, silly. This week, all my
Conanites were treated to two of them. You must've been very good this year.
The first was Monday's repeat of the Steven Wright/Rebecca Romijin show from January 23, last year. This show, since it's a repeat, will be dealt with quickly for our purposes. Steven Wright wrote the World's Funniest Song and Conan had as near to an on-air erection as is humanly possible given the broadcasting standards as they are in this great land of ours. This particular episode of Late Night made me a fan the first time around. Nuff said.
Let's instead focus on Tuesday's show, the one I like to call "I had never heard of any of these dudes before reading USA Today that morning." (I am painfully uninformed.) The first guest was Richard Kind, a bechinnied actor I immediately recognized as the annoying yuppie Mark from that darned Paul Reiser show I don't watch. (I have seen it, as is obvious because I knew his name was Mark.) Anyway, he's now on another show I don't watch and what's more, I have no idea what it's called. That's not important, unless you're him.
Our friend Richard, "a fat, fat kid" was one of the more interestingly animated people I have seen on TV in a while. I loved his story about the skiing "accident" with the t-lift even though he said he played hockey with the Rangers for the TV show. His name-dropping, which is often a cry for help, seemed kind of natural. The story about his good pal (mine, too) George Clooney (another show I don't watch, that "ER") and the lengths Crazy George'll go for a good gag was interesting. The guy was flat-out funny. The joke, faking a painting hobby, was not. Bad George!! Bad, bad George!!
The next guest was "the other killer from 'Scream'", Matthew Somethingorother. He was as real-life freaky as his character was in the movie "Scream" and Matt professed to being nervous. I think I'd be nervous too if I went out onto (inter)national television armed with only a paintball story, a Sea World t-shirt, and his own pubic hair. Sounds like a one hell of a game of "Clue", I know. But one that could only be played at the Kennedy Compound. And yet, this segment was entertaining, too. How many near-death experiences are punctuated with teenagers chanting "Shamu!! Shamu!!"?
Last but certainly not least, is the One Man Dichotomy, comedian Patton Oswald; a self-professed "little lesbian." (Why did a picture of Ellen's creepy little hand puppet pop into my head..?) Outside of his name being a "You got your chocolate on my peanut butter/You got your peanut butter on my chocolate" thing, if you catch my drift, this guy may have been the best comic I have seen on Late Night in quite some time. When he fessed up to the REAL meaning behind Zena Warrior Princess, I knew the guy was a keeper.
And who amongst us is adverse to seeing a paunchy Nick Nolte as Batman or Han Solo? Sounds like a winner to me, kind of like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
There. I did it. An entire column without using the words, "Bill Clinton", "Monica Lewinsky", and "oral sex". I knew I could do it... Hey!!!
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20/20 QUIZ by DejaVu
(ANSWERS ARE IN NEE-HA PART 2)
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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW by Kevin Cook - part 2
Playboy: Really? You have never admitted that.
O'Brien: This is the first time I've talked about it. When I had been on for about a year, there was a meeting at the network. They decided to cancel my show. They said, "It's cancelled." Next day they realized they had nothing to put in the 12:30 slot, so we got a reprieve.
Playboy: Were you worried sick?
O'Brien: I went into denial. I tried hard not to think, Yes, I'm bad on the air and my show has none of the things a TV show needs to survive. We had no ratings. No critics in our corner. Advertisers didn't like us. Affiliates wanted to drop us. Sometimes I'd meet a programming director from a local station where we had no rating at all. The guy would show me a printout with no number for Late Night's rating, just a hash mark or pound sign. I didn't dare think about that when I went out to do the show.
Playboy: Are you defending denial?
O'Brien: How else does anyone get through a terrible experience? The odds were against me. Rationally, I didn't have much chance. Denial was my only friend. When I look back on the first year, it's like a scene from an old war movie: Ordinary guy gets thrown into combat, somehow beats impossible odds, staggers to safety. His buddy say, "You could have been killed!" The guy stops and thinks. "Could have been killed?" he says. His eyes cross and he faints.
Playboy: How did you dodge the bullet?
O'Brien: There were people at NBC who stood up for me. I will always be indebted to Don Ohlmeyer, who stuck to his guns. Don said, "We chose this guy. We should stick with him unless we get a better plan." He was brutally honest. He came to me and said, "Give me about a 15 percent bump in the ratings and you'll stay on the air. If not, we're going to move on."
Playboy: Ohlmeyer started his career in the sports division.
O'Brien: Exactly, his take was, "You're on our team." Of course, it wasn't exactly rational of Don to hope I'd be 15 percent funnier. It was like telling a farmer, "It better rain this week or we'll take your farm away."
Playboy: What did you say to Ohlmeyer?
O'Brien: There wasn't time. I had to go out and do a monologue. But I will always be indebted to Don because he told me the truth. Wait a minute -- you have tricked me into talking lovingly about an NBC executive. Let me say that there were others who were beneath contempt -- executives who wouldn't know a good show if it swam up their asses and lit a campfire.
Playboy: Finally the ratings went your way. Hard work rewarded?
O'Brien: Well, I also paid off the Nielsen people. That was $140,000 well spent.
Playboy: Ohlmeyer plus bribery saved you?
O'Brien: There was something else. Just when everyone was kicking the crap out of the show, Letterman defended me.
Playboy: Letterman had signed off on NBC saying, "I don't really know Conan O'Brien, but I heard he killed someone."
O'Brien: Then I pick up the paper and he's saying he thinks I am going to make it. "They do some interesting, innovative stuff over there," he says. "I think Conan will prevail." And then he came on as a guest. Remember, this was when we were at our nadir. There was no Machiavellian reason for David Letterman, who at the time was the biggest thing in show business, to be on my show.
Playboy: Why did he do it?
O'Brien: I'm still not sure. Maybe out of a sense of honor. Fair play. And it woke me up. It made me think. Hey, we have a real fucking television show here.
Of six or seven pivotal points in my short history here, that was the first and maybe the biggest. I wouldn't be sitting here -- I probably wouldn't even exist today -- if he hadn't done our show.
Playboy: The Late Night wars were hardly noted for friendly gestures.
O'Brien: How little you understand. Jay, Dave and I pal around all the time. We often ride a bicycle built for three up to the country. "Nice job with Fran Drescher!" "Thanks, pal. You weren't so bad with John Tesh." We sleep in triple-decker bunk beds and snore in unison like the Three Stooges.
Playboy: You talk more about Letterman than your NBC teammate Leno.
O'Brien: I hate the "Leno or Letterman, who's better?" question. I can tell you that Jay has been great to me. He calls me occasionally.
Playboy: To say what?
O'Brien: (Doing Leno's voice) "Hey, liked that bit you did last night." Or he'll say he saw we got a good rating. I call him at work, too. It can be a strange conversation because we're so different. Jay, for instance, really loves cars. He's got antique cars with kerosene lanterns, cars that run on peat moss. He'll be telling me about some classic car he has, made entirely of brass and leather, and I'll say, "Yeah, man, I got the Taurus with the vinyl." One thing we have in common is bad guests. There are certain actors, celebrities with nothing to say, who move through the talk show world wreaking havoc. They lay waste to Dave's town and Jay's town, then head my way.
Playboy: You must be getting some good guests. Your ratings have shown a marked improvement.
O'Brien: Remember, when you're on at 12:30 the Nielsens are based on 80 people. My ratings drop if one person has a head cold and goes to bed early.
Playboy: Actually, you're seen by about 3 million people a night. Your ratings would be even higher if college dorms weren't excluded from the Nielsens. How many points does that cost you?
O'Brien: I told you I'm an idiot. Now I have to do math too?
Playboy: Do you still get suggestions from NBC executives?
O'Brien: Not as many. The number of notes you get is inversely proportional to your ratings.
Playboy: What keeps you motivated?
O'Brien: Superstition. We have a stagehand, Bobby Bowman, who holds up the curtain when I run out for the monologue. He is the last person I see before the show starts, and I have to make him laugh before I go out. It started with mild jabs: "Bobby, you're drunk again." Bobby laughs, "Heehee."" Then it was, "Still having trouble with the wife, Bobby?" But after hundreds of shows, you find yourself running out of lines. It's gotten to where I do crass things at the last second. I'll put his hand on my ass and yell, "You fucking pervert!" Or drop to my knees and say, "Come on, Bobby, I'll give you a blow job!"
"Ha-ha. Conan, you're crazy," he says. But even that stuff wears off. Soon, I'll be making the writers work late to give me new jokes for Bobby.
Playboy: Did you plan to be a talk show host or did you fall into the job?
O'Brien: I was an Irish Catholic kid from St. Ignatius parish in Brookline, outside of Boston. And that meant: Don't call attention to yourself. Don't ask for too much when the pie comes around. Don't get a girl pregnant and fuck up your life.
Playboy: Were you an alter boy?
O'Brien: I wanted to be an alter boy, but the priest at St. Ignatius said, "No, no. You're good on your feet, kid," and made me a lector. A scripture reader at Mass. He was the one who spotted my talent.
Playboy: What did you think of sex in those days?
O'Brien: I was sexually repressed. At 16 I still thought human reproduction was by mitosis.
Playboy: How did you get over your sexual repression?
O'Brien: Who says I got over it? My leg has been jiggling this whole time.
Playboy: What were you like in high school?
O'Brien: Like a crane galumphing down the hall. A crane with weird hair, bad skin and Clearasil. Big enough for basketball but lousy at it. My older brothers were better. I would compensate by running around the court doing comedy, saying, "Look out, this player has a drug addiction. He's incredibly egotistical."
I was an asshole at home, too. My little brother Justin loved playing cops and robbers, but I kept tying him up with bureaucratic bullshit. When he'd catch me, I'd say, "I get to call my lawyer." Then it was, "OK, Justin, we're at trial and you've been charged with illegal arrest. Fill out these forms in triplicate." Justin was eight; he hated all the lawsuits and countersuits. He just cried.
Playboy: Were you a class clown?
O'Brien: Never. I was never someone who walked into a room full of strangers and started telling jokes. You had to get to know me before I could make you laugh. The same thing happened with Late Night. I needed to get the right rhythm with Andy and Max and the audience.
Playboy: So how did you finally learn about sex?
O'Brien: My parents gave me a book, but it was useless. At the crucial moment, all it showed was a man and a woman with the bed covers pulled up to their chins. I tried to find out more from friends, but it didn't help. One childhood friend told me it was like parking a car in a garage. I kept worrying about poisonous fumes. What if the fumes build up? Should you shut off the engine?
Playboy: For all your talk about being repressed, you can be rowdy on the air.
O'Brien: The show is my escape valve. When I tear off my shirt and gyrate my pelvis like Robert Plant, feigning orgasm into the microphone, that shows how repressed I am -- a guy who wants to push his sex at the lens but can only do it as a joke.
Playboy: Aren't you tempted to live it up?
O'Brien: I always imagined that if I were a TV star I would live the way I pictured Johnny Carson living. Carousing, stepping out of a limo wearing a velvet ascot with a model on my arm. Now that I have the TV show, I drive up to Connecticut on the weekends and tool around in my car. I could probably join a free-sex cult, smoke crack between orgies and drive sports cars into swimming pools, and my Catholic guilt would still be there, throbbing like a toothache. Be careful. If something good happens, something bad is on the way.
Playboy: Yet you don't mind licking the supermodels.
O'Brien: At one point a few of them lived in my building, women who are so beautiful they almost look weird, like aliens. To me, a woman who has a certain approachable amount of beauty becomes almost funny. It's the same with male supermodels. They look like big puppets. So while I admire their beauty I probably won't be "romantically linked" with a model. I'd catch my reflection in a ballroom mirror and break up laughing.
Playboy: The horny Roy Orbison growl you use on gorgeous guests sounds real enough --
O'Brien: Oh, I've been doing that shit since high school. It just never worked before.
Playboy: Your father is a doctor, your mother an attorney. What do they think of their son the comedian?
O'Brien: My dad was the one who told me denial was a virtue. "Denial is how people get through horrible things," he said. He also cut out a newspaper article in which I said I was making money off something for which I should probably be treated. So true, he thought. But when I got an Emmy for helping write Saturday Night Live, my parents put it on the mantel next to the crucifix. Here's Jesus looking over, saying, "Wow, I saved mankind from sin, but I wish I had an Emmy."
Playboy: Ever been in therapy?
O'Brien: Yes. I don't trust it. I have told therapists that I don't particularly want to feel good. "Repression and fear, that's my fuel." But the therapists said that I had nothing to worry about. "Don't worry Conan you will always be plenty fucked up."
Playboy: When a female guest comes out, how do you know whether to shake her hand or kiss her? Is that rehearsed?
O'Brien: No, and it's awkward. If you go to shake her hand and her head starts coming right at you, you have to change strategy fast. I have thought about using the show to make women kiss me, but that would probably creep out the people at home. I decided not to kiss Elton John.
Playboy: Do you get all fired up if Cindy Crawford or Rebecca Romijn does the show?
O'Brien: I like making women laugh. Always have, ever since I discovered you can get girls' attention by acting like an ass. That's one of the joys of the show -- I'm working my eyebrows and going grrr and she's laughing, the audience is laughing. It's all a big put-on and I'm thinking. This is great. Here is a beautiful woman who has no choice but to put up with this shit.
But it's not always put on. Sometimes they flirt back. Sometimes there's a bit of chemistry. That happened with Jennifer Connelly of The Rocketeer.
Playboy: One guest, Jill Hennessy, took off her pants for you. Then you removed yours. Even Penn and Teller took off their pants.
O'Brien: Something comes over me. It happened with Rebecca Romijn -- I was practically climbing her. Those are the times when Andy and the audience seem to disappear and it's just me and this lovely woman sitting there flirting. I keep expecting a waiter to say, "More wine, Monsieur?"
Playboy: Would you lick the wine bottle?
O'Brien: It's true, there's a lot of licking on the show. I have licked guests. I have licked Andy. Comedy professionals will read this and say, "Great work, Conan. Impressive." But I have learned that if you lick a guest, people laugh. If I pick this shoe off the floor, examine it, Hmmm, and then lick it, people laugh. I learned this lesson on The Simpsons, where I was the writer who was forever trying to entertain the other writers. I still try desperately to make our writers laugh, which is probably a sign of sickness since they work for me now. Licking is one of those things that look funny.
Playboy: Johnny Carson never licked Ed McMahon.
O'Brien: We are much more physical and more stupid than the old Tonight Show. Even in our offices before the show there's always some writer acting out a scene crashing his head through my door. A behind-the-scenes look at our show might frighten people.
Playboy: One night you showed a doctored photo of Craig T. Nelson having sex with Jerry Van Dyke. Did they complain about it?
O'Brien: I haven't heard from them. Of course I'm blessed not to be a part of the celebrity pond. I have a television show in New York, an NBC outpost. I don't run with or even run into many Hollywood people.
Playboy: You also announced that Tori Spelling has a penis.
O'Brien: I did not. Polly the Peacock said that.
Playboy: Another character you use to say the outrageous stuff.
O'Brien: Polly is not popular with the network.
Playboy: You mock Fabio, too.
O'Brien: If he sues me, it'll be the best thing that ever happened. A publicity bonanza: Courtroom sketches of Fabio with his man-boobs quivering, shaking his fist, and me shouting at him across the courtroom. I'm not afraid of Fabio. He knows where to find me. I'm saying it right here for the record: Fabio, let's get it on.
Playboy: Ever have a run-in with an angry celeb?
O'Brien: I did a Kelsey Grammar joke a few years ago, something about his interesting lifestyle, then heard through the network that he was upset. He had appeared on my show and expected some support. At this point my intellect says, "Kelsey Grammar is a public figure. I was in the right." Then I saw him in an airport. Kelsey didn't see me at first: I could have kept walking. But there he was, eating a cruller in the airport lounge. I thought I should go over. I said hello and then said, "Kelsey, I'm sorry if I upset you." And he was glad. He looked relieved. He said, "Oh, that's OK." We both felt better.
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READ THE FINAL PART OF THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW NEXT WEEK IN "NEE-HA!"
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TEN REASONS THAT PROVE I LOVE CONAN by Kristen
1.) I haven't missed hardly any episodes of 'Late Night' for almost 2 years.
2.) I wrote a really, really cheesy Conan song.
3.) When I have nothing better to do, I sit and think about krazy (and I mean krazy with a "K") things Conan and Andy could do.
4.) After watching the 'Late Night' skit 'Spacewhore' which was aired about mid-'96, my friend Laura and I started a Spacewhore campaign trying to get people to use the word "Spacewhore" as an insult word (Instead of loser, dumba**, etc.) We figured our mission would be complete after we heard "Spacewhore" on Melrose Place. (It hasn't been quite successful.... yet!)
5.) When my cat had kittens, I privately named them Conan, Andy, Conan the second esquire, and Spacewhore.
6.) I once wrote Conan a letter professing my undying obsession over him. I received an 8 by 10 glossy autographed photo (Which is framed and on the "Conan Wall.") in return.
7.) I put a lot of time and effort in to my prized "Conan Wall." It's a wall about 7 feet by 10" full of Conan pictures. It's getting so full, I'll have to expand it to the next wall in my room soon.
8.) I begged my mother for almost 2 years now to take me to New York. Not to see the Statue of Liberty, not to go to a show on Broadway, not to be able to say, "I was at the Big Apple!" but for one reason only; TO SEE CONAN!! And ha ha! It was a success (We're going next month!!!!)
9.) When I received my Conan tickets in the mail, just the other day, I screamed and jumped around for about an hour, and wouldn't let go of the tickets for about 2 hours. All I could mutter was "Oh my God, oh my God! I have Conan tickets! Oh my God, oh my God...." and I had to call all my friends and tell them about it,..... even though they didn't care. (and I don't see why they wouldn't). And when my friend, Erin, wasn't home, I exclaimed my new found happiness to her mother for 20 minutes.
10.) And last by definitely not least, I dyed my hair 'Caution Red' to make a Conan fashion statement. And no matter how weird people look at me, I hold my head up high, and keep saying to myself, "Conan would appreciate it!"
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Confide, confess, get your story off your chest. Send to LACOB@AOL.COM with 'TOPTEN' as your subject heading.
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UPCOMING GUESTS
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC web site and is a provisional list, subject to change:
MONDAY, Feb. 2 (repeat of 5/03/97):
Actor Luke Perry
Actress Joey Lauren Adams
Actor Ian Bagg
TUESDAY, Feb. 3:
Comedian David Brenner
Melinda Clark.
WEDNESDAY, Feb. 4:
Actor John Leguizamo
Musical guest Victoria Williams
THURSDAY, Feb. 5:
Actor Dan Ackroyd
Supermodel Rebecca Romijn
FRIDAY, Feb. 6:
Actor John Goodman
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WEEK IN REVIEW Jan. 26 - 30 1998
MONDAY, Jan. 26 (Repeat of 01/23/97):
Comedian Steven Wright
Supermodel Rebecca Romijn
Musical guest Junior Brown
Late Night Apology letters to the stars Conan has offended.
Steven Wright sings a condensed version of his song and plugs the new "Fish" CD.
Conan has another moral dilemma.
TUESDAY, Jan. 27:
Richard Kind
Matthew Lillard
Comedian Patton Oswalt
Clutch Cargo - CLINTON
Conan sings a lullaby to the babies who are watching.
WEDNESDAY, Jan. 28:
Famke Janssen
Bill Nye "the Science Guy"
Musical guest The Pat McGuire Band
Conan and Andy critique art.
The Masturbating Bear explains the impeachment process. It turns out that the bear has disguised himself and his showing a hologram of himself.
THURSDAY, Jan. 29:
Actor Michael Keaton
3 Offensive Linemen from the Denver Broncos
Angelina Jolie
PATTERNS
FRIDAY, Jan. 30:
Actor Dan Cortese
Ben Stiller
Musical guest DOMO (annual college band search winners)
Q & A from the audience
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END QUOTE
"You don't have to be a football player to be penalized for being on this show." - COB
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FYI
Comments and queries to me: LACOB@aol.com
Your response to the poll to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
QUIZ ANSWERS:
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