"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #01/25-008
Hi all! So much has happened since I last spoke to you. For a start Conan's sideburns seem to have vanished off the side of his head. Where'd they go? And Clinton, Neeeeee-haaaaa! All I want to say is bring on the clutch cargo! I finally saw 'Titanic'--but that's nothing, I see every film Conan and Andy recommend. Three more European cable companies have dropped NBC Europe. One in Germany and two in Switzerland. Luckily the Conanites there have been able to deal with this rationally. This week we have a guide to dealing with this if it happens to you.
Speaking of Europe, I'm also surveying the European subscribers. If you're resident in Europe and you haven't received my 'EURO-SURVEY' email, could you please let me know, I'd like to include you in the survey. I promise it won't hurt a bit. You might even enjoy it. My thanks and appreciation goes to the people who have already sent back the survey.
Smith wrote to ask why I hadn't included the second part of the Amy Poehler interview in last week's issue. The main reason was that I didn't have the space after putting the LA Times article in. But in reality--the truth is it was snowing here, I'm easily distracted and that caused me to forget to edit it. I promise it will be in soon. Watch this space.
A copy of 'PLAYBOY' just happened to fall out of the sky and land on my lap, (cheers, thanks a lot Neil!) so I have a transcription of Conan's interview for your reading pleasure. As this is 'borrowed without permission' from the 'PLAYBOY' magazine, no infringement of copyright is intended -- I'm a good grrrl really and I never usually steal stuff. It's in three parts as it's really loooong. They bill this interview as "a candid conversation with the preppie prince of "Late Night" about his rocky start, his show's secret one-day cancellation and how David Letterman saved the day." Read all about it here. It's not exclusive, but at least it's FREE!
In case you wondered, we're also in two parts this week because AOL isn't man enough to take a really long email. Krunkers to them. Let's get it awn!
LA 'COB' Gallacher
Editor, currently wearing 'fall colors' in the dead of winter.
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CONTENTS PART 1
EUROPEAN VIEWERS - Coping In A Crisis
LATE NIGHT POLL
LATE NIGHT REVIEWED by Nic Blahunka
LIVE@6A- Conan smiles for Courtney
MONOLOGUE JOKES BY Austin Tayshus
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CONTENTS PART 2
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW (part 1) - by Kevin Cook
TEN THINGS THAT PROVE I LOVE LATE NIGHT from Alicia
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS - Jan 26. - 30
WEBSITE REVIEW - Quinn discovers religion
WEEK IN REVIEW - Jan. 19 - 23
END QUOTE
FYI
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EUROPEAN VIEWERS - Coping In A Crisis
NBC Europe is being dropped by scumbag Cable companies all over Europe. Seven that I know of have dropped it in the past four months. NBC Europe have information on their web site regarding the companies that are considering dumping it. Check it out and see if it's one of yours.
Also NBC Europe Text page 200 has country by country listings of the cable companies that may drop NBC Europe. Write to your local cable company and show support for NBC Europe and Late Night With Conan O'Brien before they take it away, or this could be you! Trust me on this, you won't realize how much you liked it until it's gone.
"They took NBC Europe from me! They just took it away!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in panic! I was surfing channels, and where NBC should be there is TV5, the French culture channel.... ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd... what am I gonna do?"
That's what happens when you take NBC away!
If you're watching late Night on NBC Europe and your cable company suddenly decides to drop it. Don't despair, there are some solutions you can try. Here's what you can do after you stop crying.
1. ASK QUESTIONS
Phone, fax, write, email the company responsible. Harass them into bringing back NBC Europe and Late Night With Conan O'Brien. Check the NBC Europe web site for the names and addresses.
2. CHECK OUT OTHER CABLE COMPANIES
Ask around, your local cable company may have ditched NBC Europe, but other companies still carry it. Phone around and see what you can find out. Get a list of your local cable companies from a telephone directory.
3. GET TAPING
Pay someone who lives near you to tape the show for you and send it to you every week.
4. TUNE IN TO SATELITE/DIGITAL TV
Consider buying a satellite dish and subscribing to NBC on satellite. I'm not sure exactly what the deal is with Digital TV yet, but I hear that they do have NBC Europe. Would anyone care to enlighten me?
5. RELOCATE
Yes, you can move to an area that does have NBC on cable.
Move to the US. You'll be able to see the show, and on the original broadcast day! Avoid Houston, TX, unless you want to have really, really Late Nights.
6. WWW
If all else fails, you can still turn to the Internet for solace, find a full listing of the Late Night fans web pages at:
http://www.ios.com/~damone/gconan.html
7. NEE-HA!
And there's always the unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter, I'll try to keep you informed too.
8. NBC EUROPE'S ADVICE.
"We have encountered some carriage problems from certain cable operators who have threatened to remove NBC Europe. If you do not want NBC Europe removed from your system, we ask that you please write a letter to the TV decision-makers in your area, explaining why you do not want NBC Europe removed. With your help we can make a difference."
For a rundown of the TV decision-makers in your area, go to:
http://www.nbceurope.com/Technical/viewer.htm
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LATE NIGHT POLL
The results were pretty close among all the new characters in last week's poll and there was no outright winner. Our first tie! Neil Morris - the worlds worst prankster, played by Matt Walsh of the Upright Citizens Brigade and The Born-Again-Punks, played by writer Tommy Blacha and Ian Roberts (another UCB actor) were our winners with both of these characters claiming 25% of your votes. Here's what you said about them; "I gotta vote for Neil, I loved the "Neil, You Suck!" "Oh yeah, I suck, I suck me!" - Smith " The best part was when the kicked the crap out of the practising Buddhist." - Lisa. "Neil's not here, man.... hehehehehhehe." - Tracy. The immigrant lady who thinks she's being hit on had 'a certain charm' according to Ruthie and Ross B.
The full results are:
25% Neil Morris - the world's worst prankster
25% Punk rockers who are born again Christians
18% Bud 'Scabby' Rodgers - reckless skateboard superstar
15% The immigrant lady who thinks she's being hit on
10% The Zombie Priest - he helps counsel troubles youth
7% Desiree - the world's sexiest single-celled porno star
Otto and his tapeworm Elgin - no votes :-(
In this week's poll I'd like to ask, would you like to see Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7 play more music on the show. Would you like to see the individual band members like Jimmy Vivino and La Bamba get the chance to showcase their talents and their own music?
Please reply before Jan. 30 to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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LATE NIGHT REVIEWED
Carole Blahunka sent me this excellent Late Night review her son, Nic wrote for his school newspaper, Focus in Missouri.
"CONAN O'BRIEN: A Great Excuse For Insomnia by Nic Blahunka"
BRIGHT LIGHTS, peppy them music, and the excitable buzz of the announcer. More than just any show's opening, it's the Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Beginning at 12:35 a.m. on NBC, Late Night stages a performance with the hyperactivity and playfulness of a grade school sugar binge.
Finding itself free from vicious and boring celebrity project promotion, Late Night indulges in an hour's worth of pure comedy.
The stars of the show, Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter, shoot their nightly humor from well developed-and savvy-comedy hips.
Conan began his comedy-writing career writing for the Harvard Lampoon, and has since moved on to writing for the Simpsons, Saturday Night Live, and currently his own show. Richter spent many years performing in various Chicago improvisational clubs. Together they bring together one of the most articulate comedy teams ever assembled.
Keeping the show fresh, Conan, Andy and Co. work with a sprawling bag of late, late night goodies. Perhaps the most popular is "If They Mated," a skit where computer generations picture prospective babies of famous couples while Conan and Andy make the appropriate noises and overly grotesque gestures. "If They Mated" is the one skit that is so consistently funny that is has its own feature book. Other skits include the cartoon "Conan Babies" and "PimpBot" -the world's first robot pimp. That is, if you don't count Al Gore.
All the other shows of the genre are hiding their heads at the thought of an original joke. This is because if one writes a joke that backfires or offends the audience, the audience may be lost for the rest of the entire show. This accounts for much of the spineless humor found on Leno and Letterman. It is what is referred to as the "I swear I did not write this, it's really in the paper" syndrome.
Leno's headlines, Letterman's CBS viewer mailbag all suffer from "I didn't write this, I swear." Conan takes the opportunity to charge ahead of the stagnant, wimpy, foppish late night world. In "Real Headlines" Conan mocks the cowardly Leno. "Hamburger so good you'll swear it came from live cows!" I paraphrase. "(Audience begins to boo.) Hey, folks, we didn't write this, it's in the paper!"
While Conan and Andy repeat the Leno catch phrase "These really are real, we can't write stuff this funny!" it rings false. They can and they do. Balancing between boy scout and shock comic is a nightly occurrence that produces jokes that are absolutely hilarious.
Rounding out the show is Max Weinberg, who hails from E street fame. Max leads the studio band and often participates in the show as that cross dressing waif we have grown to love.
By having lesser-known bands play together, the show has gained a musical notoriety umatched in all of TV, such as adding the odd musical combinations, for example the Zappa Boys jamming with Kenny Rogers.
All in all, the Conan O'Brien show is the best reason to renounce sleep!
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LIVE@6A from Courtney Chase
I went to a taping of Late Night recently, (24 November), and as a huge fan, it was incredibly exciting. I waited on line for about 2 hours, and after finally getting up to 6A and waiting for another 45 minutes, I was ready to see Conan. I, of course, hoped that I would get in the front row, but I never expected it. When I was ushered to my seat, I found myself sitting in the first row, on the aisle!
So, you know, the warm up guy comes out, etc., and then...came Conan! He walked out, and stood right in front of me at first. (As a female who has a massive crush on the guy, this was very exciting.) He was about a foot away from me, and was staring. (!!) He made that "rowl!" sound to me, and then came around and shook my hand, and said "Welcome to my show." (Wow)
Later, after the first guest had been on, (Mary Tyler Moore), had been on, on the commercial break, I got to thinking: If I waved to Conan, he'd probably wave back, being that I was so close. So, everybody was in their own little world-people rushing around the set, the audience was talking, Conan was sitting there-and I was looking around, glancing at Conan out of the corner of my eye; you know. So, I had just talked myself out of waving, (I'm very shy), and all of the sudden, Conan gives a wave, and it looks like it's to me! I turned around to see if it was anyone in particular, and I realized that it was me! So, I waved back, and he gives me this HUGE smile, and his favorite thumbs up sign! Let me tell you, that made my day.
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Wow! What a cool story, I was excited for you just reading it. If anyone else out there wants to share their Live@6A stories with us, get writing. Send it to LACOB@aol.com please put 'LIVE SHOW' as your subject heading.
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MONOLOGUE JOKES BY Austin Tayshus
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"On Sunday President Clinton met with Paula Jones fact-to-face. Afterwards the President said, 'If we had met face-to-face the first time, none of this would ever have happened.'"
**Conan O'Brien on HILARY CLINTON**
"Hilary Clinton talked to the press. She said that while the president was testifying in the Paula Jones case, she was doing some household chores. Little things like sewing the president's pants to his shirts."
**Conan O'Brien on SPICE GIRLS**
"In a recent interview the Spice girls said that their boyfriends would have to take a back seat to their music. They said, 'We don't let our personal lives interfere with our mediocrity.'"
**Conan O'Brien on KEVORKIAN**
"Dr. Kevorkian has hired an apprentice so he'll be able to assist in more suicides. Apparently Kevorkian pays well, but he has the countries' worst health plan."
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"President Clinton is now being accused of having sex with a 22-year-old Whitehouse intern. In response the president said, 'That's ridiculous. If I couldn't score with Paula Jones, how could I get a 22-year old intern?'"
**Conan O'Brien on THE POPE**
"Earlier today the Pope arrived in Cuba and when he touched down, got off the plane a group of Cuban children presented him with a box of dirt to kiss. And the Pope was so touched he started crying and gave the box of dirt to Jack Lemmon."
**Conan O'Brien on ROURKE**
"A new chemical is being developed that could cure animals of fleas forever. The big question now, is will it work on Mickey Rourke?"
**Conan O'Brien on SEX TAPES**
"Rocker Brett Michaels said he's gonna do all he can to keep an old video of him having sex with Pamela Lee from getting on the internet. He said, 'Let's put it this way, I'm no Tommy Lee.'"
**Conan O'Brien on HANSON**
"The parents of the group 'Hanson' gave birth to a baby girl. Actually, this could spell trouble down the road for the brothers, coz they named the baby 'LaToyah.'"
**Conan O'Brien on NEWS**
"Everyone is talking about the three new names in Washington this week, Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp and President Gore."
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"President Clinton met with PLO leader Yasser Arafat today. Afterwards the President said the meeting went well and they did not have sex."
**Conan O'Brien on MARTHA STEWART**
"Martha Stewart is in Cuba right now covering the Pope's visit. Reportedly she made one faux pas, just before Mass today, when she tried to recommend a wine."
**Conan O'Brien on YELTSIN**
"Officials in Russia are actually considering taking cells from Lenin's embalmed body and making a clone of him. They're also considering taking cells from Yeltsin's body and making a wicked martini."
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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW by Kevin Cook
He was polite. He was funny. He gave us a communicable disease.
At 34 Conan O'Brien is hotter than the fever he was running when we met in his private domain above the "Late Night" sound stage. A gangly freckle-faced ex-high school geek he is "one of TV's hottest properties" according to "People" magazine. The host of "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" has become his generation's king of comedy.
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. Congested too, but O'Brien has far more to worry about than his head cold. A perfectionist who broods over one bad minute in an otherwise perfect hour of TV, he worries he might be anhedonic, "I have trouble with success," he says, "I was raised to believe that if something good happens something bad is coming." Sure things look good now "Rolling Stone" calls "Late Night" "the hottest comedy show on TV." Ratings are better than ever, particularly among 18- to 34-year-olds, the viewers advertisers crave.
But O'Brien only works harder. Despite his illness he taped two shows in 26 hours on three hours' sleep. He smoothly interviewed Elton John then burst into coughing fits during commercials. Later in his crammed corner office overlooking Manhattan traffic Conan the Cool gulped Dayquil gel caps. He coughed spewing microbes.
"Sorry, sorry," he said. Of course O'Brien can't complain. He came seriously close to falling to being banished behind the scenes as just another failed talk show host.
At his first "Late Night" press conference he corrected a reporter who called him a relative unknown, "Sir I am a complete unknown," he said. That line got a laugh, but soon O'Brien looked doomed. His September 13, 1993 debut began with O'Brien in his dressing room preparing to hang himself only to be interrupted by the start of his show. Before long his career was hanging by a thread. Ratings were terrible. Critics hated the show. Tom Shales of "The Washington Post" called it as "lifeless and messy as roadkill." Shales said O'Brien should quit.
Network officials held urgent meetings discussing the Conan O'Brien debacle. Should they fire him? How should they explain their mistake?
In the end of course he turned it around. The network hung with him long enough for the ratings to improve and the host of the cooler-than-ever "Late Night" now defines comedy's cutting edge just as Letterman did ten years ago.
Even Shales loves "Late Night" these days. He calls O'Brien's turnaround "one of the most amazing transformations in television history."
O'Brien was born on April 18, 1963 in Brookline, Massachusetts. His father, a doctor, is a professor at Harvard Medical School. His mother, a lawyer, is a partner at an elite Boston Law firm. Conan, the third of six children became a lector at church and a misfit at school. Tall and goofy, bedeviled with acne, he tried to impress girls with jokes. That plan usually bombed, but O'Brien eventually found his niche at Harvard where he won the presidency of the "Harvard Lampoon" in 1983 and again in 1984 - the first two-time "Lampoon" president since humorist Robert Benchley held the honor 85 years ago.
After graduating magna cum laude with a double major in literature and American history he turned pro. Writing for HBO's "Not Necessarily The News." O'Brien was earning $100,000 a year before his 24th birthday. But writing was never enough.
He honed his performance skills with the Groundlings, a Los Angeles improv group. There he worked with his onetime girlfriend Lisa Kudrow, now starring on "Friends." But Conan was not such a standout. In 1988 he landed a job at "Saturday Night Live" - but as a writer, not as on-air talent. In almost four years on the show O'Brien made only fleeting appearances, usually as a crowd member or security guard. His writing was more memorable. He wrote (or co-wrote) Tom hanks' "Mr Short-Term Memory" skits as well as the "pump you up" infosatire of Hanz and Franz and the nude beach sketch in which Matthew Broderick and "SNL" members played nudists admiring one another's penises. With dozens of mentions of the word that hit was the most penis-heavy moment in TV history. It helped O'Brien win an Emmy for comedy writing.
In 1991 he quit "SNL" and moved on to "The Simpsons" where he worked for two years. His urge to perform came out in wall-bouncing antics in writers' meetings. "Conan makes you fall out of your chair" said "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening. O'Brien's yen to act out was so strong that he spurned Fox's reported seven-figure offer to continue as a writer. He was driving for the spotlight.
By then David Letterman had announced he was turning shin - leaving NBC taking his ton-rated act to CBS. Suddenly NBC was up a creek without a host. The network turned to Lorne Michaels, O'Brien's "Saturday Night Live" boss. Michaels enlisted Conan's help in the host search planning to use him in a behind-the-scenes job. But when Garry Shandling, Dana Carvey and almost every other star turned down the chore of following Letterman, Michaels finally listened to Conan's crazy suggestion, "Let me do it!" Michaels persuaded the network to entrust it's 12:30 slot which Letterman had turned into a gold mine to an untested wiseass from Harvard.
O'Brien was working on one of his last "Simpsons" episodes when he got the news. He turned "paler than usual," Groening recalled. The Conan moseyed back to where the other writers were working, "I'll come back with the Homer Simspon joke later. I have to go replace Letterman," he said.
NBC executives now get credit for their foresight during those dark days of 1993 and 1994. They snared the axe and now reap the multimillion-dollar spoils of that decision. In fact, the story is not so simple. We sent Contributing Editor Kevin Cook to unravel the tale of O'Brien's survival, which he tells here for the first time. Cook reports:
"His office is chock-full of significa. There's a three-foot plastic pickle the Letterman staff left behind in 1993 - perhaps to suggest what a predicament he was in. There's a copy of Jack Paar's 'I Kid You Not' and a coffee-table book called 'Saturday Night Live: The First 20 Years.' His bulletin board features letters from fans such as John Watters and Bob Dole and an 8" x 10" glossy of Andy Richter with the inscription: "To Conan - Your bitter jealousy warms my black heart. Love and Kisses Andy."
"Of course it's all for show. From the photos of kitch icons Adam West and Robert Stack to the framed Stan Laurel autograph, from the deathbed painting of Abraham Lincoln, to the ironic star taped to Conan's door - they're all clever signals that tell a visitor how to view the star. Lincoln was his collegiate preoccupation: stardom is his occupation. Somewhere between the two I hoped to find the real O'Brien.
"As a Playboy reader he wanted to give me a better-than-average interview. I wanted something more - a definitive look at the guy who may end up being the Johnny Carson of his generation."
"Here's hoping we succeeded. If not I carried his germs 3000 miles and infected dozens of Californians for no good reason.
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O'Brien: Yes, this is how to do a Playboy Interview -- completely tanked on cold medicine. I'll pick it up and read, "Yes, I'm gay."
Playboy: We could talk another time.
O'Brien: (coughing) No, it's OK. I memorized Dennis Rodman's answers. Can I use them?
Playboy: You sound really sick. Do you ever take a day off?
O'Brien: No. The age of talk show hosts taking days off is over. Johnny Carson could go to Africa when he was the only game in town -- "See you in two weeks!" But nobody does that now. I will give you a million dollars on the first day Jay takes off for illness.
Playboy: Do you ever slow down and enjoy your success?
O'Brien: If anything, the pace is picking up. Restaurateurs insist on giving me a table even if I'm only passing by, so I'm eating nine meals a night. Women stop me on the street and hand me their phone numbers.
Playboy: So you have groupies?
O'Brien: Oh yes. And other fans. Drifters. Prisoners. Insomniacs. Cab Drivers, who must watch a lot of late night TV, seem to love me lately. They keep saying, "You will not pay, you will not pay, you make me happy!"
Playboy: How happy did your new contract make you?
O'Brien: Terrified. The network said, "We're all set for five years." I said, "Shut up, shut up! I can't think that far ahead." Tonight, for instance, I do my jokes, then interview Elton John and Tim Meadows. We finished taping about 6:30. By 6:45 my memory was erased and my only thought was, Tomorrow: John Tesh. And I started to obsess about John Tesh. Sad, don't you think?
Playboy: Not too sad. You got off to a rocky start but now you're so hot that People magazine recently said, "that was then, this is wow."
O'Brien: I try not to pay much attention. Since I ignored the critics who said I should shoot myself in the head with a German Luger, it would be cheating to tear out nice reviews now and rub them all over my body, giggling. Though I have thought about it.
Playboy: Tell us about your trademark gag. You interview a photo of Bill Clinton or some other celeb, and a pair of superimposed lips provide outrageous answers.
O'Brien: We call it the Clutch Cargo bit, after that terrible old cartoon series. They saved money on animation by superimposing real lips on the cartoons. I wanted to do topical jokes in a cartoony way -- not just Conan doing quips at a desk. TV is visual; I want things to look funny. But we're not Saturday Night Live; we couldn't spend $100,000 on it. Hence, the cheap, cheesy lips, You'd be surprised how many people we fool.
Playboy: Viewers believe that's really the president yelling, "Yee-haw! Who's got a joint?"
O'Brien: It's strange. You may know intellectually that Clinton doesn't talk like Foghorn Leghorn. Ninety-eight percent of your brain knows the president wouldn't say, "Whoa Conan get a load of that girl!" But there are a few brain cells that aren't sure. When Bob Dole was running for president we had him doing a past-life regression: "My cave, get away." And then back further, "Must form flippers to crawl on to rocky soil," he says. There may be people out there who believe that Bob Dole was the first amphibian.
Playboy: Do you ever go too far?
O'Brien: The fun is in going too far. It's a nice device because you get Bill Clinton to do the nastiest Bill Clinton jokes. We'll have Clinton making fart noises while I say "Sir! Please!"
Playboy: Are you enjoying your job now, with your new success?
O'Brien: Well, there are surprises. I hate surprises. Like most comics, I'm a control freak. But I am learning that the show works best when things are out of control. Tonight I ask Elton John if he likes being neighbors with Joan Collins. He says he isn't neighbors with Joan Collins. He lives next door to Tina Turner. So I panic -- huge mistake! But Elton saves the day. "Joan Collins, Tina Turner, it doesn't matter. Either way I could borrow a wig," he says. Huge laugh, all because I fucked up. Later he surprised me by blurting out that he's hung like a horse. The camera cuts to me shaking my head: That crazy Elton. What can I do? Of course, I'm delighted that he went too far.
Playboy: That "What can I do?" look resembles a classic take of Jack Benny's.
O'Brien: There's an old saying in literature: "Good poets borrow; great poets steal." I think T.S. Eliot stole it from Ezra Pound. Comics steal, too. Constantly. When I watched Johnny Carson, I noticed that he got a few takes from Benny and Bob Hope. When a comedy writer told me how much Woody Allen had borrowed from Hope, I thought, What? They're nothing alike. Then I went back and watched Son of Paleface, and there's Hope, the nervous city guy backing up on his heels, wringing his hands and saying, "Sorry, I'll just be moving along." Now look at early Woody Allen. You see big authority figures and Woody nervously saying, "Look, I'll just be on my way." Of course Woody made it his own, but he must have watched and loved Bob Hope.
Playboy: Who are your role models?
O'Brien: Carson. Woody Allen. SCTV. Peter Sellers. When Peter Sellers died I felt such a loss, thinking, There won't be anymore of that. There's some Steve Martin in my false bravado with female guests: "Why, hel-lo there!" And I won't deny having some Letterman in my bones.
Playboy: You were surprise as Letterman's successor. At first you seemed like the wrong choice.
O'Brien: I didn't get ratings. That doesn't mean I didn't get laughs. Yes, I had a giant pompadour and I looked like a rockabilly freak. I was too excited, pushed too hard, and people said, "That guy isn't a polished performer." Fine! But it isn't my goal to be Joe Handsomehead cool, smooth talk show host. Late Night with Conan O'Brien is supposed to be a work in progress, and now that we've had some success there's a danger of our getting too polished and morphing into something smoothly professional. Which would suck.
Do you know why I wanted this show? Because Late Night with David Letterman played with the rules and it looked like fun. Here was a place where people did risky comedy every night for millions of people. We had to keep this thing alive. There should be a place on a big network where people are still messing around.
Playboy: How bad were your early days on the show?
O'Brien: Bad. Dave left here under a cloud: his fans and the media were angry with NBC. Then NBC picks a guy with crazy hair and a weird name. And the world says, "Harvard? Those guys are assholes." I sincerely hope that the winter of December 1993, our first winter, was the worst time I will ever have. I'd go out to do the warm up and the back two rows of seats would be empty. That's hard to look at. I would tell a joke and then hear someone whisper, "Who's he? Where's Dave?"
Playboy: You had trouble getting guests.
O'Brien: Bob Denver canceled on us. We shot a test show with Al Lewis of The Munsters. We did the clutch cargo thing with a photo of Herman Munster. Unfortunately, Fred Gwynne, who played Herman, had recently died, and Al Lewis kept pointing at the screen, saying, "You're dead! I was at your funeral!"
Playboy: For months you got worried notes from network executives. What did they say?
O'Brien: They were worried. The fact that Lorne Michaels was involved bought me some time. But Lorne had turned to me at the start and said, "OK, Conan. What do you want to do?" Now television critics were after me and the network was starting to realize what a risk I was. Suggestions came fast and furious. I kept the note that said, "Why don't you just die?"
Playboy: Did they suggest ways to be funnier?
O'Brien: They were more specific and tactical. The network gets very specific data. Say there was a drop in ratings between 12:44 and 12:48 when I was talking to Jon Bon Jovi. I'll be told, "Don't ever talk to him again" Or they'll want me to tease viewers into staying with us: "You should tease that -- say, 'We'll have nudity coming up next!'"
Playboy: You did come close to being cancelled.
O'Brien: We were cancelled.
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More from the 'PLAYBOY' interview next week.
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TEN THINGS THAT PROVE I LOVE LATE NIGHT from Alicia
1.) When I turned 16, I went to see a taping of Late Night before I got my driver's license (Conan is much more important than driving)
2.) I tape every episode
3.) My friend Tiffany says, I do a damn good impression of Stacy (All I need are those braces and my hair in pigtails)
4.) My room is shrine to Conan, I swear I'll need is that Conan wallpaper.
5.) I made a list about all the things Conan and I got in common, for example: we're both Irish, we both have pale skin and freckles, our last names both begin in "O", and we have the same middle initial.
6.) I thinking of making a web site dedicated to Conan.
7.) Ok, so what if Conan is 18 years, 7 months, and 8 days older than me, he's not THAT much older than me, don't you think?
8.) I'm always doing that "GROWL" thing Conan does
9.) I got these two twin teddy bears, I named them Conan & Andy
10.) I made this list about my Late Night addictions
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
Normally we like to present a little sumpin' called THE KNEE DEEP FREAK OF THE WEEK in this space, but this time we here at The Poll Center have decided to talk instead about the Late Night episode from this past Wednesday. Subtitled for our purposes 'CONAN GROWS UP,' it was one of those shows that you watch and find yourself scratching your head.
It opened fine, Conan said some jokes and it was cool. Andy was funny; the band was great. The desk gag was Celebrity Resumes and it was humorous as well. (Anytime the Giffords get mocked is A OK with me!) But then, something was strange. Maybe you could help me here. While no one will ever deny that Martin Scorsese is not a great director, to me he just seemed really out of place. You know what I mean? If there's a movie star or big director on, usually it's someone like Adam Sandler. Or Dave Chapelle, who was on earlier in the week. Not THE Martin Scorsese!! A coup, no doubt about it. Definitely interesting to see how Conan interacted with a legend and someone he is obviously a fan of. The segment was light on the jokes but fun to see.
Continuing on our "adult" theme was the bit with our next guest, CNBC stock reporter, Maria Bartiromo. If there was any ever question as to why the Late Night repeats didn't cut it on CNBC, they were all answered after this interview. It's as simple as this: they're two vastly different audiences. Remember the Oldsmobile slogan "It's not your father's Oldsmobile"? Well, my dad watches an awful lot of CNBC. Get the picture? Assuming Conan's core audience is made up of people like me who don't have any money to invest because they probably spend what they should be saving and/or investing on professional wrestling, why play the game when you don't have the...jack?
It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. The numbers, at least according to comedian Nick Bakay, never lie. Bartiromo was to me, unintentionally funny. Look--there's no doubt she probably wants to be taken seriously as a reporter. And she should. But let's get something straight. I have no doubt in my mind that no one on the floor of the stock exchange calls her "The Money Honey" right to her face. That's called sexual harassment. Why spend all that energy trading and shouting and acting crazy trying to accumulate wealth if your just going to give it to television personalities? Or worse: lawyers?
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UPCOMING GUESTS Jan. 26 - 30 1998
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC web site and is a provisional list, subject to change:
http://www.nbc.com/entertainment/shows/conan/guests.html
MONDAY, Jan. 26 (Repeat of 01/23/97):
Comedian Steven Wright
Supermodel Rebecca Romijn
Musical guest Junior Brown
TUESDAY, Jan. 27:
Actress Rosanna Arquette
Comedian Patton Oswalt
WEDNESDAY, Jan. 28:
Bill Nye
Yasmin Bleeth
Musical guest The Pat McGuire Band
THURSDAY, Jan. 29:
Actor Michael Keaton
FRIDAY, Jan. 30:
Actor Dan Cortese
Musical guest DOMO (annual college band search winners)
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WEB SITE REVIEW by Quinn
The Church of Conan O'Brien, which bills itself as "The *first* official church of this kind," opens with an amusing/frightening title page containing nativity pictures populated by Conan, Andy, and Max (Hilary, the maintainer, has quite a photo editing program.) "The Doctrine of Conanism" (the official name of this religion) is divided into five sections:
1)"The Book of Conanisis: The Beginning," which, along with a rather nice picture of Conan in a toga (can you say "rowl?") is made up statements like, "And Conan said, "Let there be a cheesy little background so I can make people think it's really evening when we tape the show." And there was a little cheesy background.
2) "Revelation: What Happens at the End..." is basically a description of the end of the world, with a slight twist--Conan and Andy bring all their followers to eternal salvation-- well, if "feasting on many wonderful things at the O'Brien Potato Hut for eternity" is your idea of salvation.
3) "The Afterlife" gives you an idea of what there will be to do after the aforementioned apocalypse on the PimpBot of Infinity.
4) But, of course, only true believers will be saved, and in order to be a true believer, you must follow The Ten Conandments, which you can find in "The Way." My favorite: Thou Shall Scream "AN-DEE" Whenever one enters or leaves a public area.
5) "About the Church" is a double disclaimer. It's actually a better read than most, but I won't offer any quotes because if I put up any more I'll have just about the whole page and you won't have a reason to look at it and Hilary will be mad at me. Anyway, about the two disclaimers: there's the standard one to (allegedly) keep the NBC legal types off your back, and another one reminding people that the whole page is to be taken lightly and they shouldn't be offended.
Offended? Why would someone be offended by such a creative, unusual page as this? It doesn't offer the usual stuff like articles and pictures (other than the ones at the top of each section), but the humorous text more than makes up for it.
On the main page there is also a button to sign up to be an official Conanist, but when I tried it I got an error message. In all fairness, right underneath it is a paragraph admitting that there have been some technical problems with "The Button," advising people to be satisfied with the guestbook for now. I browsed through the guestbook a little and found this comment: "the church of Conan was probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. I've never heard of a girl so obsessed with Conan. Will you marry me?" Obviously this guy isn't very familiar with me.
In conclusion, this is a splendid page. It's good, clean, Conan-worshipin' fun for all. Oh, and remember earlier, when I said it was frightening? I take it back. I just remembered that my home page is entitled "Quinn's Conan Worship Page," my signature quote in AFCOB is "Yours in Conan worship," and I have a sign on my door declaring it a "Conan Worship Zone." So really, it's not frightening at all. I salute Hilary for tapping into and recognizing that part of all of us.
Check out The Church of Conan O'Brien at:
http://www.nlenx.com/Spam/Conan/Church.htm
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WEEK IN REVIEW - Jan. 19 - 23 1998
MONDAY, Jan. 19 (repeat of 5/10/97):
Billy Crystal and Chef Wolfgang Puck.
Clutch-Cargo Bill Clinton live via satellite from Central America.
Conan and Billy Crystal go to Yankee Stadium and take a look around.
Conan goes head to head against supercomputer "Deep Blue."
Wolfgang Puck shows Conan and Andy some of the freshest imaginable seafood delights.
TUESDAY, Jan. 20:
Dave Chappelle and Ted Williams
Year 2000
Andy On Cam: the camera gets stuck on Andy during Conan's interview with Willard Scott. He's so bored during this interview he reads a magazine, feeds pigeons and gets spanked.
WEDNESDAY, Jan. 21:
Martin Scorsese, Marita Bartiromo and muso guest Martina McBride.
Celebrity resumes are shown, including ones from Pamela Anderson Lee, Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford, John Glenn and Jerry Seinfeld.
THURSDAY, Jan. 22:
Jim Breuer, boxer Bruce 'The Mouse' Strauss, and comedian Jimmy Tingle appears after being bumped on Tuesday.
Clutch Cargo: BILL CLINTON
Public Service Announcements
FRIDAY, Jan. 23:
Actress Rose McGowan
Musical group Huffamoose
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END QUOTE
Thanks to Quinn, Sabine, Carole and Nic Blahunka, John at NBC Europe, Alicia, Kevin Cook and PLAYBOY for a great interview, Neil for getting me the PLAYBOY, Micah Honees for doing his column - twice, Courtney Chase, Austin Tayshus and everyone who voted in our poll to make it the biggest response we've had so far.
"You gotta admit Rush Limbaugh has a great rack!"
- Andy Richter
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FYI
Comments and stuff like that to me: LACOB@aol.com
Answer the late night poll: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com