"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #01/04-006

Happy New Year! This is the time of year that I usually make some new, New Years Resolutions, I've broken three of them already. I think I should take Conan's advice and make them easier. After all it is sooooo much easier to swear that you won't eat soil or yellow snow than it is to swear off those tasty, convenient, darkly delicious chocolate snacks. I found this year, that some of mine and yours turned out to be 'Late Night Resolutions,' check them out down below.

Here's some music news, according to SoundScan the Late Night CD, Live At 6A had sold 3,700 copies at the end of November. The magazine described it as having 'a modest start in the marketplace.' I can't disagree. Cheers to Tomalhe for the tip.

This week we take a different perspective on 'LIVE AT 6A,' from the point of view of lucky Matthew Cox, someone who applied to be an intern at the show.

There won't be a newsletter next Sunday, I'm taking some time out - at the same time as Conan you vigilant people will notice. I figure, if he's not taping, then I'm not typing. Anyway no newsletter for next week, but I'll be back on January 18 with (hopefully) some more cool Conan style krunk. For now, let's get it awn!

LA 'COB' Gallacher
Editor

******************************************

CONTENTS
LATE NIGHT CHARACTER POLL
LATE NIGHT SONG BOOK - from Dizza
LIVE AT 6A - by Matthew Cox
MONOLOGUE JOKES by Robin Banks
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS - by Late Night fans
PROFILE - THE A-Z of Amy Poehler
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS
WEBSITE REVIEW by Quinn
WEEK IN REVIEW
YEAR 2000
END QUOTE
FYI

******************************************

LATE NIGHT CHARACTER POLL

Well I know you've all been waiting with baited breath for the results of last week's poll. Who's going to win - I hear you cry (or type). Will it be Oldy, the second sexiest and possibly the oldest man in the universe? Or will it be Stacy, young, sweet and incredibly obsessed?

Comments this week included, "STACEY!!! STACEY ALL THE WAY!!!! I have to love Stacey--I *am* Stacey! :)," I think that one was from Conan's personal cheerleader. "Oldy's not even really a character--he's a real person, right? Right?" Of course he is! "Definitely Stacy! Oldy scares me sometimes!" He's just too krunking sexy! I'm pretty sure this was a vote for Stacy even though it looks like an old fashioned typing test, "lkaj akjr aljdieu lka aldjoeui ladu lajf (Oldy's way of saying there's no way I'm gonna beat her)." Are you suggesting that sweet, dear old Oldy is unintelligible!?!

And of course, Oldy also has his fan base voting away, "Stacey's great.... but how can you not pick Oldy?" Oh, it's easy not to... "I vote for Oldy Olsen. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" I had to cut that last one short, it actually went on for a lo-hot longer than that, but it was starting to creep me out.

OK I won't keep you waiting a second longer... The winner is STACY!!! It was very close. Stacy just had the edge over Oldy, she won with 54%. Thanks to everyone for voting. Someone even voted for Andy!

This week we put our winner up against the one character who just can't keep his hands off himself. He tried to quit smoking, but he needed something to do with his hands (or paws), the one character in Late Night that's guaranteed to embarrass you if you're up late watching TV with Grannie Conannie - The Masturbating Bear.

STACY V MASTURBATING BEAR

Vote for your favorite character by putting their name in the subject heading and Emailing (before Friday 16 January 1998) to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com

******************************************

LATE NIGHT SONGBOOK: "Yesterday", by Dizza

Some of you AOLers out there will know this already, but as we're coming up to a week of repeats I thought I'd include this song.

YESTERDAY (To be sung during the sad times of repeats.... to the Beatles tune YESTERDAY)

Yesterday
All the Late Night fans were doing O.K.
We could watch our Conan everyday
Oh we believed in yesterday
Suddenly
We're not happy like we all used to be
There's no reason to turn on our TV
Oh now we're deep in misery!
Why he had to go
We don't know. No one will say
Please bring Conan back
How we long for yesterday, aye, aye, aye
Yesterday
Conan's comedy helped show us the way
Now we need him back to make us O.K.
Oh how we long for YESTERDAY!!
Bring us back our YESTERDAY!

******************************************

LIVE AT 6A

" I WAS AN INTERN FOR A DAY!" by Matthew Cox

It was an eleven hour bus ride from my Virginia home. The big Greyhound's engines rocketted me from Nowhere-Ville, into the "Big Apple." I had to get there at seven a.m., six hours before my appointment, and had to kill all that time. I saw the Plaza, Macy's, Times Square, and that diner from Seinfeld. But then it was time to see the infamous 30 Rockefeller Plaza. It was December 27 so the streets were crowded with tourists wanting to see the ball drop; but, needless to say, my nerves were starting to act up in anticipation for my little interview.

I get to the Late Night offices at 1:00 p.m. and my interview was over in 4 minutes.

I was told that they'd "be in touch" and was shown the door. Where was I gonna go? My bus didn't leave till 11:00 that night. I asked if I could stick around for a while, and was given a tour of the studios. I saw SNL's, Rosie's, and Conan's.

I got picks of me sitting in the empty audience area, and I told a joke on Conan's monologue mark.

I watched the close circuit TV in the office where I saw the live feed from rehearsals, and the filming of the "More you know" bits. At seven o'clock, twelve hours after I arrived in the "City that Never Sleeps", I was on the streets again. Armed with a extra 10 bucks given to me out of the office's petty cash fund (by an intern), I ate at the Times Square McDonalds. (Tastes like every other Micky Dee's)

Left Penn Station at 11:00 p.m. and never received that call I was promised. I called up there later the next month and was politely told to try again later, and I will!

I didn't get the internship, but hell, I still got to experience a little of the backstage happenings of the greatest show on TV!

That was a great story. If you have been to see the show recently I want to hear from you. Tell us all about it at NEE-HA! Put 'LIVESHOW' as your subject heading please.

******************************************

MONOLOGUE JOKES by Robin Banks

**Conan on NEW YEAR IN TIMES SQUARE**
"According to estimates there were 500,000 people in Times Square to watch the ball drop. And another 500,000 to hold their hair while they threw up."

**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"In a new poll that just came out President clinton was voted most admired man of 1997. After hearing this the President said, 'That's weird, I would have voted for Tommy Lee.'"

**Conan O'Brien on SEINFELD**
"Jerry Seinfeld announced he's going to stop doing his show, even though NBC offered to pay him $5,000,000 an episode. Meanwhile folks, I announced I am staying at my show, even though NBC is gonna start charging me. I figure it's not a lot to pay everyday, I have no where else to go."

**Conan O'Brien on NEW YORKERS**
"According to the Daily News the #1 quality of life complaint in New York is noise. And the #2 complaint is that new Yorkers are running out of things to pee on. That's not right. Look! You'll find it, it's there! There's always something to pee on, don't you think?"

**Conan O'Brien on MAYORAL ISSUES**
"Over the weekend a former Mayor of a town in Pennsylvania was arrested for robbing a bank. When asked about it he said, 'I forgot to steal money when I was in office.'"

**Conan O'Brien on WOODY**
"Two days before Christmas Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn got married. Soon -Yi said, 'It was kind of a bittersweet holiday. First Woody married me, then he told me there wasn't a Santa Claus.'"

 **Conan O'Brien on THE McCOYS**
"It was in the paper today that none of the septuplets will be home for Christmas. Apparently four of them are working and three of them are Jewish."

**Conan O'Brien on NEW YORK**
"The murder rate in big cities has gone down 10% this year. In fact, New York City's new slogan is, 'New York: now with 10% less murder!'"

**Conan O'Brien on TIGER**
"An Asian-American magazine claims that mathematically Tiger Woods should be considered Asian. Unfortunately, this can't be checked because the only people who can figure out the mathematical formula are Asian."

**Conan O'Brien on JACKSON**
"It's been reported that Lisa Marie Presley has decided she wants to have a baby with Michael Jackson. Unfortunately Michael Jackson announced he wants to have a baby wit Sigfried and Roy."

**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"The new issue of People magazine has a list of the most intriguing people of the year which includes President Clinton, Ellen DeGeneres and Dolly, the cloned sheep. Which coincidentally, happens to be President Clinton's ideal threesome."

**Conan O'Brien on YELTSIN**
"Boris Yeltsin announced yesterday he's going to take an unscheduled vacation. It's unclear if he's going to travel outside the country or if he's just going to blackout for several hours."

******************************************

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS - by Late Night Fans

"Resolutions are for saps." - Andy Richter

"I resolve never to miss a 'new' show this year - or ever for that matter." - Robin Banks

"I resolve to go and see the show live - at least once." - LA

I resolve to get more fresh air and exercise - except when Late Night is on TV. - Roost-A-Hed

"I resolve to do the 'Conan Drinking Game' - without alcohol."- IP Freely

"I resolve not to be over dramatic. The taping over of a prized show, by an unwanted house guest is NOT a felony and I must never call 911 to report it." - DeliKat

I resolve to pledge my allegiance to the Church of Late Night With Conan O'Brien. - Pizzazz

I resolve not to swear and curse. Instead I will 'Krunk!'- Deja Vu

"I resolve to eat more things that are healthier for me - like potatoes, fried, boiled, with the skin, without the skin, mashed, bashed, and any other way that you can do them." - Anon

 ******************************************

PROFILE - THE A-Z of Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler, who plays Andy's sister Stacy on Late Night was good enough to take time out of her Christmas vacation to answer a few questions for NEE-HA! There will be more from Amy in the next issue, but for now here's the A-Z.

A 'Annoyed' - what really bugs you?
That woman who had seven babies bugs the hell out of me. So do successful Scientologists. Also, I am annoyed by noise and people urinating on me, but in New York that just comes with the territory.

B 'Beauty' - what do you think of your looks?
Oh please. That's why I'm a comedian. The stupider I look the more comfortable I am. Is "stupider" a word? Me thinks it is.

C "Career" - what's the worst job you ever had?
Once I had to cater a party at D'Arcy's wedding (blond woman from Smashing Pumpkins) You'd think it would've been cool, but everyone kept calling me "cater lady" and spilling drinks on my head. I did get high with James Iha though.

D "Dream Date"
My honey Matt (Besser) and a case of ripple.

E "Embarrassed" what was your most embarrassing moment?
One time when I was on Conan, Green Day was on and they were laughing at the fact that I couldn't play the guitar. That was kind of embarrassing, but they were nice so, I guess it's not that embarrassing.

F "Funny" - who makes you laugh?
Janeane Garofalo makes me laugh, The Larry Sanders Show, Mr. Show with Bob and David, The Simpsons, King of the Hill, MST3K on occasion, Kids in the Hall used to, Monty Python always does. There are a ton of hilarious people here in New York that I think are really funny. Oh, and of course, Late Night.

G "Goals" what are your goals?
To rock out with my cock out in "98"

H "Heroes"
Gilda Radner, Judy Davis, Lili Taylor, Janeane, Woody, Lenny Bruce, Fanny Brice, Holly Hunter, Billie Holiday, My Parents of course, John Irving, Allen Ginsberg, Iggy Pop, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harriet Tubman, Pat Benetar, and anyone who helps me move.

I "Improvisation"
My favorite thing is to improvise with the most talented people in the world, which I get to do every Sunday.

J "Jokers" - who's the biggest you've come up against?
I'm gonna pass right now on that one..

K "Krunk" - what do you say when you're mad?
Is that Krunk person another Conan fan as well? I think I've seen his/her stuff on the web. When I am angry I usually say "For the love of Ida, stop pissing on me you stupid asshole." Or something like that.

L "Late Night" - how did you get the part of Stacy?
I got the part of Stacy because Mr. Richter and his wife found me at a carnival cleaning up after elephants and so they hired me as an assistant cigarette butt picker upper. The rest is history. I think the show rocks and it has the best writing on late night TV.

M "Music" - who do you listen to?
I bought an Amy Rigby CD and I thought it sucked.

N "Nicknames" - do you have one?
Um, when I was in high school it was "Polar Bear" ( Pretty original, huh) Now everybody just calls me "that crazy woman."

O "Of all my decisions what was the best?"
My decision to get my doggie Suki. I have a four year old yellow lab who is lying at my feet and farting happily.

P "Proudest Moment"
Any time I don't fart, I feel proud. (I'm getting to be a bit of a wiseacre on these questions, but my vision is starting to blur and I'm afraid of intimacy...)

Q "Quotes"
I once called Fiona Apple Fiona "Crapple."

R "Rituals"
I always tap my soda can before I drink it. I also like to beat myself about the face before I perform.

S "Spice Girls" - which one would you be?
Sporty - there is no need to explain. Just being able to wear pants is enough.

T '"Time Out"
Vacation? What is that? I like to visit my friends in Los Angeles, but I can't think too much about that crazy word 'vacation' or my head starts to hurt. Ow...why must you bring up vaca...ow....

U "Unwinding"
To relax I play videos of myself on Conan and pause it every time I didn't get a laugh. Then I play hardcore music really loud, start a grease fire on my stove and do a couple intense hatha yoga poses. Works every time.

V "Vices"
Um I smoke some substances. I swear in front of churches sometimes. I screen my calls. I floss only occasionally. I kill small French children if they smile at me...little things like that.

W" Wish"
I would wish that I could have better vices.

X' "Xfile" - tell us something no one knows about you.
By the way, I love the X-Files. Scully rocks, and Mulder is kick ass. Anyway, one thing no one knows about me is that I really like French people, it's just the children part that I hate.

Y "You know someone is about to pull a prank - would you tell the victim?"
Only if that victim were Hitler and there was a way I could save the world from the Holocaust being born, then I would kill myself but before that I would tell the person about the prank.....wait, what?

Z "Zzzzz" - what bores you?
What bores me? Talking about myself. Oh my god Linzi, I'm sure this is boring you to death. I might have gotten carried away, but I just started typing and the next thing ya know.....

 ******************************************

THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees

If you've been reading this newsletter--and I am pretty sure you have-you know that this space is generally reserved for a little feature called FREAKY GUEST OF THE WEEK. I like to make it known that some people in Hollywood and surrounding areas are closer to you and me than we think sometimes. Really. Life is a big bus ride, people and there's always one freak on the bus who talks a little too loudly or smells like cabbage. Pray to God it's not you. It's my duty to expose these people so we all can point and laugh.

That having been said, we almost had our first tie vote ever in the weeks I have been collecting ballots. Coming in a close second was the bizarre Danish Bond girl (I'm too lazy to rewind the tape to catch her name), who proclaimed to an international audience that Danish people, who come from a place called "The Display at Dunkin' Donuts Next to the Bagels and Coffee Pots", were sooo happy for her that a commemorative poster was being distributed in her honor. Not that it was a money-making opportunity mind you. The public at large was demanding this. Danish pride!!!

Hard to imagine, I know. It wasn't like we as Americans were so proud of Local Girl Done Good Farrah Fawcett in the 70s that we as a country had to emblazen her likeness in every teenage boy's bedroom because we were so darned proud of the success of "Charlie's Angels." And my sister, who threw National Pride out the door in the 80's as she built her four-walled shrine to Duran Duran, did not do this because they were heroic men being heroic in women's clothing. No, she did it because they were attractive.

Guys hung posters of Farrah Fawcett because she was f-i-n-e. I have a Carmen Electra calendar on my wall as I type this and I assure you that I don't give a flying flip what day it is. You're getting the picture. But I know what you're saying: James Bond is an international phenomenon. Millions flock to see the Bond movies. Maybe that's true. But the biggest phenomenon there is, is sex. Booty has staying power.

That having been said, this week's FREAKY GUEST OF THE WEEK has to be a guy named Timothy Olyphant who is allegedly a star in "Scream 2", a movie I have not seen. I guess what really creeped me out about old Tim was his constant moving. He was fidgeting in his chair like he was wearing the tight leather pants Andy got from his wife for Christmas. He was kind of arrogant as well and Conan didn't come across as being happy that Tim was on the show. The vibe was very strange; like that strange moment where you realize you're saying something stupid in front of a whole group of people.

Tim tried to be a smartass but fell a little short; getting it half-right. Maybe he realized he could never follow Jay Mohr, who was brilliant. (I love the Walken imitation and die laughing every time he does it. His talent and story-telling are perfect for the Late Show audience.) Olyphant just reminded me of too many frat-party nightmares. I would think that the bookers and producers would not want to have a guest that the viewing audience wants to punk. Then again, it would have made for good TV if Conan had leaned over and cleaned his clock.

Here's an actual quote from the Timothy Olyphant interview. When asked about what it was like working with all of the young stars on the set of "Scream 2", Olyphant said "...it was The Who's Who of Hollywood... and I'm the 'Who.'" Hmmm. Hard to beat your logic there, Tim, but maybe you're really 'The Why.' Now go out and see "Tomorrow Never Dies".

******************************************

UPCOMING GUESTS: 5 - 9 January 1998

The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC website and are subject to change: http://www.nbc.com/entertainment/shows/conan/guests.html

MONDAY:
Julianna Margulies
Dr. David Wright
Silverchair

TUESDAY:
Willard Scott
Michael Rappaport

WEDNESDAY:
Corner Shock

THURSDAY:
To Be Arranged

FRIDAY:
Minnie Driver
Kevin Pollack
BB King

LATE NIGHT is in repeats from January 12 - 16.

The guests this week include Corbin Bernsen, John Goodman, Marilu Henner, Pete Townshend, KISS, Nicholas Tuturro, Louis Anderson and Ken Folet.

Some of you die-hard fans out there may be interested to know that comedian and former Late Night writer Louis CK will appear on The Late Show With David Letterman on Monday night.

******************************************

WEBSITE REVIEW by Quinn

This week Quinn took some time off from printing up more Conan pictures to take a look at Andy Richter's Firearm's Emporium and Mercantile.

The intro page explains the title, so I won't ruin it for you here. You are greeted with, "This is Andy Richter. Welcome to cyberspace." That and other sounds can be downloaded from the section of the page labelled simply "Stuff." Most of them can also be downloaded from Joe Shaw's FTP site, but where else can you find Andy's killer cover of the theme from Goldfinger? A brief bio of Andy, 12 amusing screen grabs, and a handful of articles and chat transcripts are also available. The final section of the page is a paltry link list, surprisingly not including one to the other major All-Andy page, Andy Richter's Virtual Couch.

This page was easy to navigate and without the layers of images that can choke slow browsers. Some slight improvements the author might want to consider making include giving us more links and some insight into what exactly about Andy appeals to him. For me, one of the best parts of looking at Late Night web sites is finding out what makes it special to that particular person, and we get none of that here.

Overall, a decent site. And that's coming from a die-hard Conan lover--so for all you Andy fans out there, it's probably a godsend.

Check it out at: http://www.afn.org/~ejw/andy/index.html

******************************************

WEEK IN REVIEW

An excellent week of comedy - FIVE shows!!! They should do that more often.

MONDAY:
Jay Mohr, Timothy Olyphant and Janine DiTullio (Late Night writer and comedienne).
Conan and Andy review the photos of their Christmas party.
Refugee Boat Chickens put their case to Conan live via satellite from the South China Sea.

TUESDAY:
Dweezil & Ahmet Zappa
Music from Tito Puente
1997 Year In Review
Joel -depressed during the holidays.

WEDNESDAY:
"HAPPY NEW YEAR TO THE CENTRAL TIME ZONE!"
Molly Shannon, Dave Attell and muso guest Diana Krall
Central Time Zone's New Year celebration featuring Oldy singing a merry medley of Central Time Zone tunes and Abe Vigoda in San Antonio, TX, also Jack McAdams (Brian McCann) reports 'live' from Chicago.
Countdown to Central Time Zone's New Year.
The people we said goodbye to in 1997.

THURSDAY:
Pam Grier, Keith Olberman and Andy Kindler were guests.
Conan and Andy looked over their New Year's Resolutions for 1997, which gave us a hilarious looks back at some of last years funniest skits.
Public Service Announcements.

FRIDAY:
Nicholas Turturro
Joey Lauren Adams
Music from Marcy Playground
Cheer Up NBC
Stacy is upset that Conan never went to her New Year's party.

******************************************

YEAR 2000

CONAN
"The Mir space station will finally crash to earth, but not before completing it's most important experiment, to see how long it takes for a big hunk of Russian made crap to fall out of the sky."

ANDY
"The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in real life."

CONAN
"To simplify police work, a new federal law will require all know sex offenders to change their name to Kennedy."

ANDY
"The drinking age is lowered to three, in order to quote 'Keep the little bastards quiet!'"

CONAN
"A retired President Clinton will write his memoirs and be sued for plagiarism by Wilt Chamberlain."

ANDY
"Mormons will decide that their religion is too strict and will begin drinking coffee, the occasional beer and the blood of the elderly."

CONAN
"The public demand that the NBA expand to a 52 week schedule. Not for the love of the game, but to keep Shaquile O'Neil too busy to make lame movies."

ANDY
"Space aliens will come to earth intending to deliver a message of universal peace and wisdom. Unfortunately they land on the stage at Def Comedy Jam and end up only telling jokes about how big their women's booties are."

CONAN
"China's overpopulation problem will reach new levels when people discover what an exceptionally pleasurable lubricant duck sauce is."

ANDY
"Scientists will discover the reason for the Loch Ness monster's seclusion. It doesn't like Scottish people."

CONAN
"The world is rocked when Colonel Sander's secret recipe is discovered to be; one part salt, one part sage and the gayest chicken that money can buy."

 ******************************************

END QUOTE

Once again before I vamoose, I would like to thank everyone who contributed to today's issue. Dizza, Matthew Cox, Robin Banks, Micah Honees, Amy Poehler, Jay, the people who sent in NY's resolutions and everyone who took the time to vote in our character poll, hope you'll all vote again this week.

I'll also remind you that anyone can write articles for NEE-HA! If anyone is interested in writing, but are out of ideas, just email me and ask for the 'most wanted' list. See you in two weeks.

LA Gallacher
WCRP in Cincinnati

"Happy New Year, 1998 is gonna suck!" - COB

"We're the one bright light of pessimism on network TV." - Andy

******************************************

FYI

Your answer to the Character Poll to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com