"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #12/28-005
Hi all! Welcome to the last Nee-Ha! of the year and also welcome to our new subscribers from Europe and America. So how was your Chrimbo? At my place the Unwanted Relative I adopted after watching Late Night accidentally (I think) taped over my prized Late Night tape, the one with my all time favorite shows on it. Let's just say there was a fight. It was a little messy and that's the last time I do anything nice for anyone ever again! Period.
I also went to church on Christmas morning. I saw Hank Christ there. He was at the vino again - showing off as usual. Jesus got what he wanted for once. I saw him wearing a brand new Gucci belt. Very nice!
Thanks to all the contributers for getting their articles into gear during this busy time. I know you're all extremely busy and I really appreciate your help in getting this (and every other) issue out.
There will be some people out there who get new computers and new software during the holiday's so, if you change your email address or screen name please let me know. Any returned Mailer Daemon's that I get will be immediately taken off the mailing list.
Hey, I'm also wondering if anyone can help me. Yes, it's true, I need help. I have a website for this ezine all fab and designed on web designing software, but I'm having problems uploading it to AOL. I know I'm not all that web savvy, I followed their instructions, but still no joy. Can anyone help me out??? If AOL doesn't work, (and it doesn't for me) I'll probably use Angelfire or something similar, so I need advice for that too. If anyone has any helpful tips for me I'll be really grateful. Thanks for your help.
Watch out for Janine DiTullio this week on Late Night. She's a Late Night staff writer and comedienne. It looks like a good week of guests and comedy coming up and it's on for five days!!! Can it get any better than that??? Let's get it awn!
LA "COB" Gallacher
Editor
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CONTENTS
BEST MOMENTS ON LATE NIGHT IN 1997
DEAR DIZZA - dilemmas solved
INTERACTIVE QUESTION OF THE WEEK
LIVE AT 6A - Smith's trip to the Show
MONOLOGUE JOKES by DejaVu
SPOTED IN THE NEWS
THE PEOPLE WE LAUGHED AT ON LATE NIGHT IN 1997
THIS SPACE FOR RENT - by Micah Honees
TOP TENS (almost) from Kristen
UPCOMING GUESTS
WEB NEWS
WEEK IN REVIEW
WORST GUESTS OF 1997
END QUOTE
FYI
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BEST MOMENTS ON LATE NIGHT IN 1997
"My favorite moments were Conan going to Germany and Amsterdam. I couldn't stop laughing when Conan called Cologne 'Aftershaven'. It's a pretty old and obvious joke, I think it was the way he said it that made me laugh. I love his German accent."
Of course I couldn't possibly just put my own in, besides I'd never remember everything that made me laugh. So, here are your favorite moments in Late Night that you sent in.
Sabine Sorg
"I think my favourite moment was when Conan growled at that wildcat and it growled back. AND the big snake checking out Conan behind the desk. ("I owe that snake 50 bucks!"- COB)"
Roost-A-Hed
"Conan's interview with Janeane Garafalo from the Larry sanders Show was brilliant. She didn't know what he was talking about and he denied that there had been a pre-arranged discussion: 'She's crazy, I don't know what she's talking about, BRUCE SPRINGTEEN'S NOT THE BOSS, I'M THE BOSS!'"
DeliKat
"When Conan fell off his chair when Fran Dresher was on."
Jelli
"Andy's wife holding an iguana like a baby during a good old fashioned Staring Contest."
Begbie
"Stacy screaming about a six string suppository on the night she sang a song about Conan."
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DEAR DIZZA
Dear Dizza is recognized and accepted as a somewhat skilled counsellor for Late Night Addiction. Her experience includes, but is not limited to, weeks of intense education and training in coping with the devastating but fun effects of Late Night Addiction, which she herself openly admits to having.
Her advice is sought out by thousands (well, at least sixteen people anyway, but potentially it's thousands) and she welcomes your pathetic cries for help as she "leads you down the Conaningly-crazed path to a happier-yet wackier future!"
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Dear Dizza,
I'm like WAY obsessed with Tommy Blacha - The Gaseous Wiener. I think that he's like way cute for a guy who dresses up as a giant flatulating hotdog. However, I heard that he wasn't going to do the wiener again and I'm terrified I'll never see him again. How can I cope?
Obsessed in Oregon
Dear Obsessed,
The Gaseous Wiener discovered fame and fortune when he was given the leading role as Biff Loman in Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman" on Broadway. Conan himself helped pave the way for his success by allowing Late Night audiences to view Gaseous in a memorable scene from this acclaimed play. Being visibly moved with emotion by the Gaseous Wiener's acting, Conan was seen wiping away the tears from his eyes.
Because of his memorable performance on Broadway, I'm sure we'll be seeing much more of the Gaseous Wiener as he continues his successful acting career. Best Wishes Gaseous and Break A Leg! (Woops.....maybe not!)
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Dear Dizza,
I'm worried about my cat. I think he might be smoking. There are little tell tale sings, like for example, he has the smell of smoke on his fur and his breath, and he's a little agitated if I don't let him out. I know he thinks he's cool, but he's too young. He's only nine months old, not to mention the possible health risks. Help me Dizza. What do I do to make him stop?
Worried in Washington
Dear Worried,
Aren't we thankful that Conan warned us of the Tobacco Industry's Settlement to get all our poor kitties addicted to cigarette smoking? They're supplying them all the cigarettes they want, so don't blame your little kittens. Give them all the love and support they need.......and get them started on a Nicotene Patch for Felines as soon as possible. Ask your local veterinarian for more details.
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Dear Dizza,
I love Conan and the show so much that I need to express it with a fashion statement, but something different other than just a sweatshirt or a cap. What could I do to make me stand out in a crowd as a true Conanite?
Costumed for Conan
Dear Costumed for Conan,
Why not join the rest of us in setting the newest trend for the coming summer season in beachwear? Here are two good choices:
1. The 1920's bathing suit that covers you up all the way down to your ankles
2. The BeeKeeper's Suit (It seems to be a popular favorite.)
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INTERACTIVE QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Okay we didn't have a question last week due to the holidays. The last winning character was Stacy who beat Loser @. So this week Stacy will be up against one of Late Night's legendary characters. He's old, he's pretty unintelligible, no one knows how to spell his name, he's Carl 'Oldy' Olsen.
STACY V OLDY
I know you're all busy at this time of year, but this is the only part I really ask for your participation in. Please take the time to vote.
Vote for your favorite character by putting their name in the subject heading and Emailing (before Friday 2 January 1998) to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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LIVE AT 6A from Smith
I'll admit right away that I have it easier than others in getting to Late Night, because I just live across the river in New Jersey. I took the New York Waterways Ferry Into Manhattan, Got the Complimentary Shuttle Bus and took it most of the way until getting off because of Grid Lock and just walking. I met my relatives at the tree, this was Wednesday, December 17th, and went inside to stand in line. The NBC Pages checked us in and gave us a ticket and told us to use the restroom. We stood there for about 45 minutes, then went through a metal detector and up to the 7th Floor (the actual studio is on the 6th, but you have to walk down to it ). We were up there about 45 minutes waiting for everyone to get lined up and listening to the Pages ask us Brain-type Games to keep us occupied. I had to point out to one of the pages that Ozzy wasn't going to be there that night like he kept saying, and then he apologized for getting everyone's hopes up. We were led into the theater with "Live From Studio 6A" playing and, after getting a seat (first row, in front of desk), the pre-show began, which I'll leave out for those of you who haven't been there and want to be surprised. We did however, get a chance to tape part of the next night's show, but it wasn't used, on the "Guests We'll Never Have Back", one of them was going to be his ex-girlfriend and our job was to go "ohhhhhh". It wasn't used. The show went on, had Conan appear as Santa and the Masturbating Bear ( 2 rows behind us ), the guests, and then, before we knew it, it was time to go home. I asked the cue card guy for a cue card and got the guest line up one. Conan thanked us for coming and jetted out of the studio ( I later found out he had to go to Boston ). I definitely want to go back as soon as possible. After the show, I went to the TGI Fridays near 30 Rock, and I have to tell you, DO NOT GO THERE, it is HORRIBLE, and the SERVICE is TERRIBLE!
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MONOLOGUE JOKES by DejaVu
**Conan O'Brien on KEITH RICHARDS**
"A new study reveals that the elderly are often given the wrong drugs. After hearing this Keith Richards said, 'You mean these are somebody else's?'"
**Conan O'Brien on THE POPE**
"The Vatican reported that for the fifth year in a row they are operating in the black. As a result the Pope said, 'This year we're gonna have one kick-ass party!'"
**Conan O'Brien on SADDAM HUSSEIN**
"Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder says president Clinton and Saddam Hussein could work everything out peacefully if they'd just sit down and listen to rock music. After hearing this, Saddam said, 'I would, but Clinton's into all that Celine Dion/Michael Bolton crap.'"
**Conan O'Brien on READERS DIGEST**
Readers Digest is recalling 600,000 copies of their holiday issue because one of their recipes inside could cause botulism. Apparently, it's an eggnog recipe where you add two shots of whisky and one shot of botulism."
**Conan O'Brien on NEW YORKERS**
"According to a recent poll, half of New Yorkers say they would never move out of the city. Mostly because their probation won't allow it."
**Conan O'Brien on JAGGER**
"Mick Jagger's wife, Jerry Hall gave birth to an eight pound baby boy. She says the baby's just like Mick, he weighs eight pounds and he's all wrinkly."
**Conan O'Brien on THE BOBBITTS**
"Lorena Bobbitt was arrested for punching her mother. Afterwards her mother said, 'I'm just glad I'm not her father.'"
Conan O'Brien on KATHIE LEE & FRANK
"For the second time, Kathie Lee Gifford has been accused of using sweat shops to manufacture her clothing line. Not only that, but Frank Gifford has been accused of having an affair with a non-union flight attendant."
Conan O'Brien on CLINTON
"In a recent interview Bob Barker said that President Clinton should have his new pet dog neutered. Then barker said, 'It's probably not a bad idea for President Clinton either.'"
Conan O'Brien on CHRISTIAN SLATER
"Christian Slater went before a Judge on drug charges and he was sentenced to three months in jail. Slater said he's going to use the time to research his new role in the Robert Downey Jnr Story."
Conan O'Brien on CLINTON
"President Clinton adopted a three month old puppy this week. He's already used the excuse, 'My dog ate my Whitewater doccuments.'"
Conan O'Brien on WOODY ALLEN
"Woody Allen flew to Los Angeles for the first time in twelve years so he could attend a movie premiere with Soon-Yi. When asked why it's been so long Woody said, 'I was waiting for one of those kids fly free deals.'"
Conan O'Brien on BOBBITT
"Lorena Bobbitt was arrested for punching her mother. When asked why, Lorena said, 'I told her a hundred times to stop touching my penis collection.'"
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SPOTTED IN THE NEWS
Tuesday's New York Post ran an article entitled 'Faux Tough' about Conan's interview with Brooklyn Bridge magazine. Did anyone get a copy???
"Conan O'Brien's late nights used to be more edgy. When O'Brien was a young writer on "Saturday Night Live," he took an apartment sight unseen in a crack-infested section of Williamsburg. "Al the street lights had been smashed out to make it easier to buy crack. I don't smoke but I somehow got it into my head that if I smoked I would look mean," Conan recalls in the new issue of Brooklyn Bridge magazine. The terrified preppie also adopted boots and a pompadour to gain four inches of height, and a bulky jacket for heft. The chivalrous O'Brien got up in the middle of the night to meet his club-hopping female roomies at the subway stop. "We'd see him at the street corner, smoking so he would look super tough. It was incredibly sweet," one remembers."
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THE PEOPLE WE LAUGHED AT ON LATE NIGHT IN 1997
I'd like to give thanks to the people who made us laugh on Late Night in 1997.
Norm Macdonald
Saturday Night Live's Norm. He's hilarious, although he doesn't look like he knows what he's saying half the time. When Courtney Thorne Smith was promoting her new movie Norm asked her if it was spelled B-O-R-E-D. He trashed her, and he's the only person I know who talks about gay porn for a laugh on national television.
Dennis Rodman
Featured in several Conetastic monologue jokes for kicking a camera operator in the groin. Let's hope he hits another target next year.
Mike Tyson/Don King
Iron Mike, bit Evander Holyfield's ear off during a Championship boxing match. Do you think Evander said, 'Bite Me!' Cue for many syncro-vox with Tyson and his promoter the one and only Don King who utilised the phrase, 'Freckle bearing, sun block wearing friend,' and many more like that.
Bill Clinton
Wild Bill, Bubba or whatever you want to call him had weight issues, Paula Jones, Chelsea going to college and Whitewater documents to deal with. You can bet your bottom dollar that he'll be back with much more next year.
Paula Jones
Clinton's biggest sex scandal - yet. She's suing the prez for sexual harassment, and made him expose his penis for the camera. She's the source of many Clinton jokes for the Late Night writers. With much more still to come in this case, we can only assume the jokes will keep biting away at Clinton.
Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe
He wanted to be a daddy and she provided the all essential womb with a view. Hundreds of jokes about him. Every one funnier than the previous. Where would we be without a Jacko?
Scott Thomson
The Kids in the Hall and Larry Sanders Show favorite helped Conan and Andy to kick off 1997 by counting down the seconds in the central time zone till midnight. He also bitched his way through each appearance and 'pulled a Farrah' which was hilarious.
Scottish Scientists For Creating a Cloned Sheep
Mmm-hmmm. Well, who could tell whether or not Dolly was a clone, sheep all look alike anyway. This clone thing set up a few jokes and a synchro-vox interview with the sheep and Bill Clinton, which was hilarious.
Writers Janine Ditullio and Brian Kiley
Both Janine and Brian made their first appearances on Late Night. As stand up comics they were really funny and I hope there will be a lot more to come from them in 1998.
Tommy Blacha
He broke his leg and we said goodbye to the Gaseous Wiener. I'll miss him.
The Babes
All the beautiful people, Cindy and Co. who appeared on Late Night, they didn't say much, but at least they gave Conan an excuse to do that funky rowl. Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
The Show That Had Kids In The Audience
This was excellent and unprecedented (as far as I know) for any Late Night adult oriented talk show. Kids who misbehaved were told they would be sent to Naughty Land. What kid wouldn't want to go there? The best bit (IMHO) was when they brought out the 'Boredom Monster.' I'd like to see that happen during any interview that gets a little stale.
The Coolest Characters
Loser @ golfcourse, the beach, the ski-slope, PimpBot 5000 and Stacy were funniest of the funny. Loser and Stacy are soooo cute. I'd take a boiled egg from him - any day!
LIVE AT 6A
This CD will have graced many Christmas stockings this year. Again Late Night lead the way for others to follow...
Conan in Amsterdam
Not a brothel in sight, but this trip abroad made me laugh so much. Conan met some cool people and got some 'tulips.'
Conan in Köln
Conan was hilarious on his trip to Cologne, or Aftershaven (whatever you want to call it). The skit about him visiting the David Letterman of Germany was excellent.
The Spice Girls
Love them or hate them they made their mark on Late Night - as the subject of some spice-hate monologue jokes.
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THIS SPACE FOR RENT - by Micah Honees
This week's FREAKY GUEST OF THE WEEK has got to be Al Roker, notorious buffet-buster and "Today" show weather man. Roker seems to be the stand-by pinch-gutter guest that Marv (if only we had known) Albert used to be under the old Late Show regime; only with less basketball highlights and without pink taffeta. Often Al's interviews are off the cuff and unprepared--because they can't be--and this one seemed to be no exception.
I like to think we can learn something from every situation we face in life; whether it be a long wait in a grocery line or a Mexican wrestling movie, and this was no exception.
The interview began fine--sort of--except very early on it was clear that Al Roker was indeed hopped up on goofballs or whacked-out on Katie Couric's hairspray because he was screaming out some of his replies like he had Tourette's Syndrome. Then it would have been OK. But for some reason, it seemed to make Conan and Andy uncomfortable. It made me feel a little strangely, too, but the best was yet to come.
For those of you who saw it, we will be getting to the repeated sexual overtones shortly. Yes, that was freaky and we will examine it later. The scariest part to me was not the Rip Taylor impersonation (Al threw stage snow all over the hosts leading Conan to remark that it was, in fact, asbestos) but the time Al tipped back in his chair and almost fell over backwards. Now I am sure that I am not the only person who dialed 9 and 1 then waited for Al to cack (he is a large man after all) before dialing that last 1 to rush the paramedics over to studio 6A to get the man some help. Lawyers everywhere got very excited over the fact that a possible major lawsuit could be in motion--one that would drastically reduce the Late Show budget and also make it really hard for you and I to buy toasters and lightbulbs; as well as recklessly endangering the entire Chinese population.
To save the day, Our Host grabbed the chair and Al shifted his weight forward and another senseless catastrophe was avoided. People like me like to think the fear was put into old Al for bringing up the sexual tension between Conan and Andy again. Somehow, I don't think I'm wrong.
The first guest I saw who made those allegations was Alec Baldwin. When he did it, it was really funny. But Al kind of took it too far, taking Conan by the hand and yelling "But there's nothing wrong with it!" a little too loudly. Maybe he was talking about his own strange relationship with Fred the retired Dunkin' Donuts guy. Who can be sure in matters of the heart?
So, in closing, I guess what I am trying to say here, kids, is that you should not go on national television right after ingesting thirty hot dogs and a quart of eggnog at a holiday party. Maybe it is better to go to the Courteney Cox School of Narcoleptic Interviews instead. Whatever you decide, just make this one promise: don't randomly shout out your replies in a cheap attempt to get the crowd on your side. Not only is it cheap, it doesn't work. And it makes you look like you have Tourette's.
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TOP TENS (almost)
Well almost, there's just nine here, but why not just put it in anyway! I got this from Kristen a few weeks ago. Sorry I took so long to put it in the newsletter K.
Hi, My name is Kristen, and I (Sniff, sniff) am...., Oh this is so hard, a Late Night with Conan O'Brien addict. I've been obsessed with the show for about a year and a half now.
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UPCOMING GUESTS Dec 29 - Jan 2 1998
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC website:
http://www.nbc.com/entertainment/shows/conan/guests.html
MONDAY:
Timothy Olyphant
Janine DiTullio (Late Night writer and comedienne)
TUESDAY:
Dweezil & Ahmet Zappa
Music from Tito Puente
WEDNESDAY:
Molly Shannon (from SNL)
Jeff Garlin
Muso guest Diana Krall
THURSDAY:
Keith Olberman
FRIDAY:
Marcy Playground
NBC Europe
VIP on Wednesday 31 Dec.
Re-Run of Conan's interview with Catrina Skepper.
It's on at 0630 and 1900 h (CET)
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WEB NEWS
You can download a new Conan screensaver at Mercury Records' Live At 6A site. It's based on the old fashioned ping pong computer game and shows Conan and Andy's heads being batted around at different angles. Thanks to Damone for that tip.
http://www.mercuryrecords.com/mercury/artists/conan/conan.html
Grant has added a new Conan Chat room at his website. Check it out at:
http://www.gcresearch.com/conan
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WEEK IN REVIEW Dec 22 - 26 1997
MONDAY:
Ozzy Osbourne, Rich Hall and Ricky Scaggs
Andy and Nipsey russell bring the spirit of Christmas to the people of New York, who don't normally have a Santa in their store.
The NBC Carolers, sing more of their NBC friendly songs. Rich Hall shows off his Trafalgar Square pigeon scam.
TUESDAY:
Lewis Black, Janeane Garafalo, Cecelia Thomson
Conan and Andy strip off to their PJ's and go in search of their Chrissy prezzies from NBC.
Holiday Public Service Announcements
WEDNESDAY: Pre-empted
THURSDAY: (Repeat of 12/10/96)
James Woods, Jay Mohr, John Pizzerelli
Closed Captioning guy makes fun of Conan and Andy again
The Wussy Wagon escorts James Woods off the set, who knew???
THURSDAY ON NBC EUROPE: (Repeat of 12/17/97)
Prince Naseem Hamed.
Mike Lupica
Conan and Andy dress up and Santa and the Elf to grant children's Christmas wishes.
FRIDAY:(Repeat of 12/12/96)
Kevin Bacon, Bonnie Hunt and J.R. Havalan
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WORST GUESTS OF 1997
Courteney Cox
She was far from friendly. It was her first appearance on the show to promote Scream 2. She looked tired and uninterested in anything Conan had to say.
Farrah Fawcett
Ahem. Filed under 'woman who used to be sex symbols'. This had to be the lamest plug for a show ever in the entire history of TV. She was promoting her 'pay-per-view' special. Who the hell would want to watch a doped up old hag paint pictures with her posterior? She acted like she was a stupid, brain dead little bimbo. If the Wussy Wagon was taking women, she would be picked up by it. I could go on, but I've better things to do.
Donald Trump
The Donald. He made me wanna puke. He's awful. A slimy creep with no personality.
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END QUOTE
Thanks to Dizza, Micah Honees, Smith, Kristen and everyone who wrote in with their favorite moments of 1997. I'll see you next year then! I'll leave you with a quote from Janine DiTullio's last appearance on Late Night, watch out for her on Monday's show - she's hilarious! Have a Conetastic new Years!
LA Gallacher
Scottish Spice
"People have weird rituals too. I don't know if you know this, but in certain parts of Africa, and parts of the Middle-East it's still a ritual. When a woman turns of age the men there will cut off her... Well they do a 'Clitorectomy.' You know what I'm talking about? Yeah I heard this and I thought no mater how much I complain about our country, I shall be thankful this shall never be a ritual here. Because the men here don't know where the clitoris is!" - Janine DiTullio
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FYI
Comments and Queries to me: LACoB@aol.com
Your answer to the Interactive question to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
Your dilemmas to Dizza: Dizza@aol.com
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