"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #12/20-049

Hello everyone!! Wow, what a week! Conetastic - a word that will never die - there's been so much happening. I've had so many emails about The Baldwin Thang and the now infamous rant. I have to say, I never saw The Rant, so I'm not going to make any comments on it. Bottom line is though, it's not Conan's fault he's definitely not responsible for Baldwin's killer comments, I've never seen it as his job to "control" the guests.

Conan, or Conando as I like to call him, dressed up as Santa this week and a bunch of kids with bizarre wants sat on his lap. Oh how us grrrls were jealous of them. If I had one of those Christmas Wish things... I'd wish to see the show, at least once again (but once is never enuff eh?). I'm missing it right now, and the line-ups and the action is looking pretty hot right now. He kissed the Ubermodel? He kissed Andy? Swanky!! This week Tuesday looks like it will be a great show. That's another thing about not having NBC Europe anymore, I kind of miss Tom Brokaw and the news. I used to be able to do a pretty good impersonation of him. Caroline Rhea last appeared six months ago, ironically her guest appearance was the last show I saw, and she was a fabulously funny guest!!

Go visit the Kiss Ass Turkey Homepage. Ignore the krunky spelling of O'Brien and enjoy!! http://members.tripod.com/kaiserh/index.html Ok enuff babble from me, happy holidays everyone!!

Late Night Linzi
Editor

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CONTENTS -
LATE NIGHT NEWS By Robin Banks
LATE NIGHT POLL
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
LATE NIGHT QUOTEABLES Collected By Goddess Of Odd
UPCOMING GUESTS
LIVE & LATE By Andrew Jones
WEEK IN REVIEW By Quinn
FYI
END QUOTE

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LATE NIGHT NEWS
By Robin Banks

CONTROVERSY RULES AS PEOPLE JUST CAN'T SHUT UP ABOUT BALDWIN'S KILLER COMMENTS!! It won't be forgotten by anyone who saw it. And anyone who taped it is in luck because NBC have vowed never to screen the episode ever again. An NBC spokesperson told the Washington Post: "The skit was obviously a joke and meant to be taken as such, however, in retrospect, there are sensitivities, given the climate in Washington, and we won't re-air it."

LA BAMBA SWANKS IT UP AT THE WHITEHOUSE.... Richie Rosenberg, better known as MW7 trombone player LaBamba, was playing at the Whitehouse on Friday night (12-18). Maybe you noticed he wasn't sitting in with the band as usual. Playing a benefit there alongside his band The Hubcaps, he backed up performers like Vanessa Williams, Bon Jovi, Sheryl Crow, and ERIC CLAPTON. The show will air on TNT Network tonight (Sunday).

BRIAN McCANN'S DEER AVENGER GAME STALKS RETAIL..... The recently released "Deer Avenger" game rocketed to Number One at Wal-Mart this week. Written by Brian McCann (bullet-proof legs and more…), the parody of the best-selling title, Deer Hunter (TM) has debuted at number one at America's largest mass market retailer - Wal-Mart. The game was also given "Four Hooves Up" by the American Deer Association.

NEWS FLASH FROM SARAH! - All fans of the public service announcement bit should be outraged at Leno's cheap rip-off. On Monday, Smitty the drummer debuted his new "public service announcement" in which he frantically rummaged through his medicine cabinet. Then the slogan appeared: "got penicillin?" We are not amused.

On a more positive note, our Main Man guest-starred on Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist. He told the good doctor about his recurring dream. He's doing the show and the audience is composed of about twenty copies of his parents telling him he's not funny and they don't love him. The other seats were filled with "various dictators," including Hitler whispering something into his dad's ear, causing him to laugh uncontrollably. Ahh, how perfectly Conetastic! He probably wrote his own lines.

E STREET BAND TOUR... WILL MAX GO AND WHO WILL DO THOSE OUTRAGEOUS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS IF HE DOES...?

(AP) Bruce Springsteen fans are ecstatic about the news that the Boss man will be reuniting with the E Street Band for a tour this summer. But Conan fans are also wondering how this will affect drummer Max Weinberg’s role as musical director on the show.

The Late Night people have no comment, and representatives for Springsteen have said that they will have no details on the tour until the first of next year. Unlike most shows, Late Night With Conan O’Brien does not take a multi-week break during the summer; at the most they take off a week or two at a time. Therefore, touring during breaks in Conan’s schedule is not an option.

It's most likely that Max will take a leave of absence for the tour. But who will replace him on Late Night? Which leads us sweetly on to the late night poll question for this week, all done without the aid of Segue Sam.

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LATE NIGHT POLL

THIS WEEK’S POLL QUESTION: Who do you think will become MW7 bandleader when Maxwell goes off with Bruce?

Send your response before Thursday to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com

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LAST WEEK’S POLL QUESTION: If "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" were to be made into a movie and you were in charge, who would you cast in the lead roles? Most of you who wrote (too many to mention you all here) wanted Conan and Andy to play themselves in the movie of their lives. Here's the others:

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77Clarke -
Conan- Dennis Leary
Andy- Jason Alexander
Max- Gilbert Godfreid

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Smith -
Conan O'Brien - Don Knotts
Andy Richter - Pat Sajak
Max Weinberg - Fred, the Dunkin Donuts "time to make the donuts" guy (I heard he plays harmonica)
The Assembled Max Weinberg 7 - The great musical talents of the Smugglers
Joel Godard - The father from Family Ties
Nipsey Russel - Dr. Joyce Brothers
Dr. Joyce Brothers - Jim Pittman

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Jeff -
Conan PLAYED BY Bill Clinton
Andy played by Ross Perot
Max played by Ken Starr
Band members played by the idiots on the Impeachment committee

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Kevin -
In the role of Conan - Ewen Bremner (Spud, from Trainspotting)
Andy - Unfortunately, Louie Anderson
Max - Al Pacino
Tommy Blacha - Russell Crowe
Brian McCann - Bob Odenkirk (?)
Joel Goddard - Stan Lee
Bobby Bowman - Calvert DeForest
Brian Stack - Steve Zahn (don't ask why)

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Rosefix-
Andy - Philip Seymour Hoffman, best known as Scotty the gay stagehand in "Boogie Nights" and as a straight tornado chaser in "Twister" Max - Paul from the Wonder Years who is all grown up now Conan - John Henson from Talk Soup, with the skunk spot dyed red or Conan's personal favorite, Kevin Bacon.

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Miss_Krunk -

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Julie -
If I were incharge of this movie I would cast the guy who plays Ronald McDonald for Conan and the hamburger guy for Andy. Trust me it would work. Can't you see it in the lights already!!

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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees

Where were you on the night of the kiss? Will you remember it? Would any of us be able to forget it?

In hockey, my favorite sport, a player who scores three goals is said to have scored a hat trick. This term harkens back to a custom where members of the crowd would celebrate the player’s third goal by tossing their hats onto the playing surface. Conan, being from the greater-Boston area, obviously picked up on this custom. See, when he gets really happy, our host throws furniture.

That’s right, Conan gained his own Spirit of Christmas (if you know what I’m sayin’) this past week when, in her third appearance that I remember, Rebecca Romaijn-Stamos planted a nice wet one on the face of everyone’s favorite Irishman after a rousing version of the party game, "suck and blow".

The new Mrs. Stamos, who told Conan she chose to "go Greek but I could’ve gone Irish", had the unfortunate circumstance to follow "Mr. Holiday Movie" himself, Robin Williams. Mork, whose act is getting older than Grandma’s fruitcake recipe, did supply a very real tension convention moment to the Late Night set. After one of his (what can be only be charitably described as "barely discernable") rants, Mr. From Ork leaned back in his chair to catch a breath and bellowed out to Max "So, Max. You gonna go on tour with The Boss?" Max, who looked like he was startled enough from witnessing a murder, mumbled only something about not believing everything you read.

How true is that? Maybe Mork shouldn’t read the reviews for his new movie "Patch Adams".

Anyhoo, then Miss Rebecca graced the stage. I will refrain from further objectifying women by NOT describing her dress or physical appearance…but she was hot. One of the saving graces with this interview is that Conan was a little more composed than usual. Maybe that’s how he got to fanagle the kiss. Maybe he was taking his nomination for VP (to Tom Hanks’ President) of The Bad Haircut Party to heart. And yet, Conan was able to get one of the more beautiful women and super-duper ubermodel to give him a kiss on live (taped) television. To quote Eric Cartman: Sweet!

Well, its time to wrap this up. Happy Holidays to all of our readers. We’ll see you again in 1999.

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LATE NIGHT QUOTEABLES
Collected by the Goddess of Odd

Hi folks! I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of response I got this week. Thanks to everyone who sent quotes in. Keep floating me those quotables to: goddess_of_odd@hotmail.com Happy holidays!

"I'm going to rock your body you whore!" -Stacy Richter (from Lindell)

"It's judgement day, bitch!" -Stacy Richter (from Trixie)

"What if the guests could smell it, they might think I have a "problem".-Conan talking about the Preparation H he puts under his eyes to get rid of the bags (from Crystal C.)

Conan on an 'If They Mated' sketch involving John Tesh's head superimposed on a naked baby's body: "I don't get paid enough to see John Tesh's naked ass!" (from Nos4a2)

"Nothing spells comedy like a shot to the crotch" (from IGNAClO)

"My country is falling apart and I'm laughing." -Conan- (Thursday or Friday last week, I can't remember) (from Shannon Muchmore)

During a "headlines" sketch there was this ad for a carpet store, Conan said "Here's a perfectly fine ad for the Carpet Warehouse but look down here- [he points to this cartoon of a guy with a moustache and helmet] it says "The Karpet Kaiser says 'Damn that treaty of Versailles!" (from Andrew)

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UPCOMING GUESTS - December 21 - January 1 1999

MONDAY The 21st (First Shown on 8/20/97):
Jay Mohr,
Charles Dutton,
Dom Irrera

TUESDAY The 22nd:
Tom Brokaw,
Caroline Rhea,
Tony Bennett

WEDNESDAY The 23rd:
Barney Frank,
Wanda Sykes-Hall

THURSDAY The 24th - Preempted

FRIDAY The 25th (First shown on 12/22/97):
Ozzy Osbourne,
Rich Hall,
Ricky Skaggs

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MONDAY The 28th (First shown on 12/29/97):
Jay Mohr,
Timothy Olyphant,
Janine DiTullio

TUESDAY The 29th:
Camryn Manheim,
Limp Bizkit

WEDNESDAY The 30th:
Charles Grodin,
Ozomatli

THURSDAY The 31st:
James Woods,
Wayne Newton,
Brian Kiley

FRIDAY The 1st (repeat):
Colin Quinn,
Thane Maynard,
Southern Culture on the Skids

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LIVE & LATE By Andrew Jones

Hello fellow Conan fans!!! This is Andrew signing on as musical guest and stand up act reviewer. I'm the guy who makes his entrance riding the back of the Tomahawk missile as it flies over Baghdad! I hope to stay around for a good long time! Ok, let's get down to the nitty grit grit.

On Monday we had an appearance from rock band Tonic, their musicianship and song writing impressed even me with my cynical attitude about modern music. Their song "If You Could Only See" featured an emotional vocal part from their Jim Bilushi-lookin singer, harmonizing with an alternative rock style guitar. In order for me to like a group, there has to be a talented guitarist, and Tonic sure enough delivered one. Not only did their music kick, but they expended a massive amount of energy leaping about and generally having a good time. I enjoyed listening to the beautiful song performed by Tonic and hope to see them on my favorite show again real soon!

Tuesday we had a performance from Beethoven of his 5th symphony, it all went perfectly until the guitar solo when he decided to smash his oboe and began finger painting on the stage...oh wait no that was an excerpt from the dream I had after seeing that there was no musical guest on Tuesday, wrong notes!

Wednesday, we had a lovely young african-american lady named Shemekia Copeland, daughter of blues great Johnny "Clyde" Copeland. Shemekia Copeland is a strong voiced singer whose lyrical originality put all of her contemporaries to shame. Described by the Cone-ster as R&B, I got a nice surprise when I heard what she really sounded like. More bluesy than any R&B I've ever heard, I enjoyed her song "Turn the Heat Up". The lyrics told of a relationship between her and some guy who's cold, clammy character left something to be desired. The line "I thought you were my hero, but now your kisses are tastin like 14 below zero" is a sharp contrast in my mind against r&b crap like "ooh baby baby I want you bad". Ok so maybe I made that last one up but a lot of r&b isn't much better. She had a good blues guitar player playing for her who had a talent for vibrato.

Thursday, was stand up night at Conan's this week with Lewis Black. Now this guy is a big middle aged man with a tinge of neuroses to his personality, but doesn't every comic? In my opinion, none of his jokes were particularly funny but the way he said stuff it came out slightly humorous at times. Like, you know a good part of the reason Rodney Dangerfield is funny is his delivery and odd looks? Well Lewis would shake or stick his hand in his mouth out of nowhere kinda subtle-like pretty funny. I don't know too much about him, but I get the impression Lewis hasn't been on national tv too often so I'm cutting him some slack.

Next week, Tuesday Tony Bennett is on for his annual Krimmis appearance. Next Friday is country star Ricky Skaggs, and even though he may not be performing my maaaaain man.....OZZY OSBOURNE is on the show. We won't go into that right now but I REALLY like the Ozz man.

Hasta La Vista babies! Til next week, happy holidays and be sure to look after your weapons of mass destruction, they're at a premium these days!

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WEEK IN REVIEW By Quinn

MONDAY, December 14 (First shown on 10/9/98):
Annabella Sciorra,
Jon Stewart,
Louis CK

TUESDAY, December 15:
*Robin Williams
*Rebecca Romijin-Stamos
*The Late Night set gets all gussied up for Christmas. Conan even reminiscences on the asbestos discovery.
*Conan contacts an undecided Republican live via satellite, and observes his phone call from Bubba.
*The Triumph Family Christmas Special
*Public Service Announcements
*Rebecca Romijin-Stamos (or, as I like to call her, that Loathsome, Evil Model Even by Model Standards) teaches Conan and Andy how to play Suck and Blow.

WEDNESDAY, December 16:
*Salma Hayek
*Roberto Benini
*Shemeka Copeland
*Clutch Cargo (with a Weird Al reference!)
*Jeremy and Ira make another visit

THURSDAY, December 17:
*Bill Paxton
*Elijah Wood
*Lewis Black
*Conan's alter ego of Santa makes some kids wishes come true. How about the rest of us, Conan? <cough>
*Ventriloquist Dummy Choir performs "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

FRIDAY, December 18:
*Jeff Goldblum
*Carol Leifer
*The Flys
*In the Year 2000
*A close look at a disadvantaged NBA player

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FYI

"NEE-HA!" #49 was edited by Linzi Gallacher with thanks to Micah Honees, Robin Banks, Goddess Of Odd, Andrew Jones, Sarah and Quinn.

"NEE-HA!" is on the web at:
http://www.angelfire.com/ny/lacob/conan.html

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END QUOTE

In The Year 2000….

"The name Kathie Lee will be the most popular name in America….when people start naming their asses…"

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