"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #11/22-046
Heidei ho. Thanks much to everyone who emailed last week to give me some fab suggestions for a new screen name. I'm picky and remain undecided on that little issue. Oh well... at least you've given me plenty of choice if I do decide to go ahead and change it. It's something I can sit and think aboot on my own padded heated toilet seat. (I'm sure that's nice for you to know).
Happy Thanksgiving to all our American subscribers this week. I got you a card - see how thoughtful I am? You can visit your card from me on the web at: www.bluemountain.com/cards/box3765v/knz7zxrbkrpcfk.htm
No Neeha for next week due to the hiataas, hiatus.. that and my drinking problem (milk people - I'm addicted). I'll go get help. All of you have a conetastic two weeks... let's get it awn!
Late Night Linzi
Editor
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CONTENTS -
LATE NIGHT NEWS
THE CONOLOGUE JOKES
LATE NIGHT POLL
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS - November 23 - December 4 1998
THIS TIME LAST YEAR...
WEEK IN REVIEW By Steph
FYI
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LATE NIGHT NEWS
NEW CONAN CD In the "Coming Soon" section of Amazon.com, which is fast becoming my favorite place to shop online, we've found a new ECD of Live From 6A.. All the same tracks as the last CD feature on the ECD (Ani DiFranco, David Bowie, Cake, Squirrel Nut Zippers - to name a few). The CD is due for release early next year... shameful as it could have been a great Chrimbo prezzie two years running. Oh well....
DINO/ROB TV SHOW - A new comedy pilot produced by Robert Smigel (Triumph/Clinton's lips/SNL) and Dino Stamatopoulos (Kiss-Ass turkey/krunk/Tomorry/former Conan writer-producer) was taped on Thursday. We're not sure who it was made for yet, but according to our resident gossip we can expect to see it on TV sometime early next year.
ON THE WEB - There's a new Late Night mailing list! It's for all of you Late Night lovers, and it's supposed to be full of free-spirited discussion. (You can even go <gasp!> off topic!) Pessimists and cynical people allowed! Go to: http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/ConanOBrien.
If you have any questions about it, e-mail Audrey at: Thepeacock@aol.com
Trish has created a "Late Night Forum" for all you Conanites out there. She says: "I have been in forums before...and they are hilarious usually. It's like an online newsgroup I am thinking that this is the first and only forum out there for our man Conan...but I could be wrong....I just have yet to find one. Anyway....check it out....I really think this could become fun!"
The best way into my forum is at the following URL:
http://forums.delphi.com/m/main.asp?sigdir=Lncob&isp=if&pic=in-CONANOBRI1954
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THE CONOLOGUE JOKES
Transcribed By Robin Banks
Hey all, we haven't had these in "NEE-HA!" for a while... so I thought I'd look up a few of my favorites from the past month. Enjoy!!
"It has been reported that coverage of the Monica Lewinsky scandal may be hurting the ratings for `Monday Night Football.' That should all change next week because during halftime, Monica Lewinsky is going to get it on with Frank Gifford.''
"Yesterday, the winners of the Nobel Peace Prize were announced and one of the winners is from Brooklyn. He was the one quoted assaying, `Yo, I won a freakin' Nobel Prize.' ''
"The other day, Cindy Crawford was spotted in New York having a fortune teller read the lines on her palm, which is odd because Cindy Crawford is the reason most men no longer have lines on their palm.''
"During a fund-raiser in Minneapolis, Vice President Al Gore accidentally called Minneapolis 'Missouri.' After the mistake, the crowd accidentally started calling Al Gore 'Dan Quayle.' ''
"According to newly released documents, last year Kenneth Starr made $1.2 million from his legal practice and his family assets total $4.5 million. When asked about it, Starr said, `Hey, can't a guy have a private life?' ''
"TV News -- the skirts on the show 'Ally McBeal' are an inch shorter this year and the ratings are up. Which means the show will be really popular five years from now.''
"A department store in Minnesota is trying to catch a woman who has stolen over $1,000 worth of size 44-D bras. Police are looking for the woman, as is every other guy in town.''
"A plastic surgeon in Italy announced he's going to perform the world's first penis transplant. Shortly thereafter, Hillary Clinton called to say she knows the perfect donor.''
"It has been reported that Jesse 'The Body' Ventura spent only$250,000 on his entire campaign. It would have been even less, but he spent $50,000 on body oil.''
"Yesterday, the Republican National Committee rejected New York as the site of their next presidential convention. A spokesperson explained by saying, 'Just like any other convention, we want a place with good strip bars.' ''
"Paula Jones' lawyers have quit because they say that she is 'unreasonable.' After hearing this, President Clinton said, 'Hey, I found that out the first time I met her.'''
"O.J. Simpson had surgery recently. Apparently, there was an awkward moment just before O.J. went under when he told the surgeon, 'You're holding the knife wrong.' ''
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LATE NIGHT POLL
THIS WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: What do you think Conan and Andy get up to (secretly) during their hiatus?
Send your response before Thursday to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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LAST WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: Who would win in a cage match, Conan or Andy? No doubt who's favorite here. King of the Couch, Andy "Pure Power" Richter takes the wrestling crown for Late Night. Tons and tons of votes this week, I've narrowed it down to some of the best comments:
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Birthmark8 -
Andy is much bigger Conan- Conan has the height but andy got the BULK!!
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VP Currier -
Though Conan is tall, he's no match for the man, Andy. Andy would !@#$ing kill Conan!
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Sam -
Hm...Conan or Andy?...that's a tough one. I'd have to say Conan. In Wrestling they have to take off their shirts to fight, therefore Conan's bright white Irish body would blind Andy long enough for Conan to get the win!
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Brian -
It would be an interesting match. Conan's taller, but Andy could probably tackle. I think Andy would win, because in Conan's own words, "The guy's got a lot of upper body strength."
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Conan's Baby -
We all know that Conan would win because he would have outside distractions like in the staring contests......Conan rules and would pin Andy 1-2-3 to become the Heavyweight Champion of the World! LONG LIVE CONAN!!!!
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Sarah -
In a cage match, I think that...it would probably be a tie. You know, a few punches here and there, but eventually they would somehow end up drunk and laughing on the floor. Isn't that how every show ends too?
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IGNACIO -
I think Andy would win with the Hamanaporquenosalsa Splash off the top rope, and then he'd hit him with a baseball bat, cuz he's PURE POWER!
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Ali -
What can I say? It's God against God here! I think that they would Start fighting and then Max would be lowered into the cage and shoot them both in the head. This is why we don't have a Late Night cage match...
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SSS -
It's not easy to say who's gonna win. Conan will do his karate moves, as he often does on the show, but Andy with his big stomach will have the upper hand. Finally, I think, Jay Leno will join the fight (he does follow such events) and kill them both with his laughter.
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Mr Blue -
Definitely Conan because he always wins. Poor, Poor Andy.
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Maria -
This is a tough question, requiring in-depth scrutiny and close analysis of the potential factors involved. After designing flow charts, algorithms, and sentential proofs, I have come to the final conclusion that Conan would thoroughly kick Andy's ass. Conan's total lack of morals (coupled with his long, ladylike fingernails and high-pitched scream) would decimate any attempt by Andy to engage in a fair fight. Despite Andy's greater strength, Conan's all-out efforts and cunning tactics--clawing, hair-pulling, kicking and persistent limb-gnawing--would overwhelm the unsuspecting Andy almost before the fight could begin.
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Frumpitt -
I think Andy would because he can be so vicious at times!
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Magenta -
I'd say anyone who can win staring contests would definitely win a cage match...CONAN WINS.
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Amanda -
Well, Conan's got the height advantage, but not by much. And Andy's been toughened up by all the staring matches. Andy wins. Definitely.
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Chantale -
Conan obviously. Andy never gets to win ANYthing!
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Energy90 -
If Andy and Conan were in a cage, (kinky, huh) the winner would most likely be Conan. After all, he always wins the staring contest. However, if the Gaseous Weiner were in there, well that's another story....
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Carl -
Andy... although it would be an excellent match. I firmly believe that Andy's perseverance would ultimately shine through (keeping in mind though that Conan's hair would remain unscathed).
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Jessica -
There's no doubt about it.....Andy "Pure Power" Richter would cream 'em!
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FISH -
Ok....Hmm,who would win that cage fight...Not Conan-not Andy either! How so? Because, Stacy (Andy's sister, who as we know is obsessed) would jump in. (She's superhuman somehow)I'm not sure what she'd do to get it,but we all KNOW it would drastic. Anyway, Stacy would topple over Conan because she thinks she'd be saving him, knocking him out. Hey bigger they are harder they fall right? No need to state the obvious then. Stacy would then, in a fit of love for Conan/rage smack Andy around for a good while. She'd take them both out. I'm telling you, that's what would happen! So there you go, that's the whole truth beh-beh.
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Nate -
The match would start and Conan and Andy would glide around the ring, Watching each other to see if they could predict the others move. While in an intense starring match, Andy notices a Chipndale dancer behind Conan. The Dancer bites the head off of a chocolate bunny, then bites the head off a real rabbit. While Andy is bewildered in disbelief, Conan body slams him. The End
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Miss_Krunk -
I believe Conan (i have faith) would win the cage match. Do not forget the countless staring contests between Awesome Andy, and Conetastic Conan has always won. Andy seems to be quite bulky under that well-tailored shirt, but you must go with what the writers believe the fans want. They <think> we want Conan to win every time, yet we love Andy. Don't worry Andy, we're backing you up!! &:-)
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Kris -
I think Andy would have a big advantage, with the wrestler's build he has, but Conan would resort to his old 'Staring Contest' moves and get some freaked out distractions goin inside the cage, leading to his controversial victory!
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Terrin -
Andy.... no match there!!!!
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Sofi -
The cage.
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Rosefix -
Definitely Andy, after watching the rerun with his comments on Sonny Bono, the man is ruthless... Andy would rule.
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
OK, I know. I'm behind on watching my "Late Night" tapes. Doesn't make me a bad person if I've been a little distracted of late. It's not my fault. Anyhoo, since you don't pay for this and I don't get paid to write it, let's all talk about Todd Solondz, director of such films I have never heard of as "Welcome to the Dollhouse" and "Happiness".
Solondz, a character if there ever was one, reminds me more of a calculus teacher or a guy I saw at a Weezer concert (of all places) years ago. He doesn't strike me as the affected Hollywood ball-cap backwards/big chair-sittin'/yelling at actors kind of guy. A strange calming influence comes across on TV; maybe that's why his movies are so good. Hell-Conan and Andy said they were fans.
The most interesting part of the interview to me was when Conan asked him about the "interesting" musical choices Solondz has made in his movies. Conan immediately picked on the main offenders: "Mandy", a hideous Barry Manilow song so sweet it should come with Tartar-control Crest and "You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone-a tune which has been proven to cause sterility in some laboratory animals. To his credit, Solondz waxed most profound about the music in his movies. To wit:
"I think some people when they first hear a song such as 'You Light Up My Life' that they might shudder in revulsion but I think if you listen to it ten, twenty, or thirty times you come to realize it's charm."
Fair enough. It's not like you hear those songs on the radio, anyway. Then Todd hit us with this continuing thought:
"...of course, maybe eighty, ninety, a hundred times it loses them again."
Amen to that, brother. If I hear that crappy Aerosmith "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" song again I might have to start a crime spree. And "Torn"! My God that song is annoying! I personally plan to stage a one-man boycott of any movie that song is in-even if Jackie Chan stars in it!!
But I digress. Todd Solondz was what I consider to be a perfect "Late Night" guest: self-effacing, funny, apparently talented, and dressed rather oddly.
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GOT AN UNANSWERED QUESTION ABOUT LATE NIGHT?
Hi, my name is Dez. I'm a HUGE fan of LNwCOB and I've watched the show almost religiously since the very beginning. I think I know everything there is to know about the show and I'd like to help answer any questions you might have about it. If I can't answer your question myself, I'll do my best to find you someone who can. You'll see...
So, if you've got an unanswered question about Conan O'Brien or Late Night write to me at: cobsource@yahoo.com
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UPCOMING GUESTS - November 23 - December 4 1998
Monday The 23rd (First shown on 4/21/98):
Gwyneth Paltrow,
Tom Snyder,
Fastball
Tuesday The 24th:
Dave Foley,
Garth Brooks
Wednesday The 25th:
Jon Lovitz,
Larry King,
Stuttering John Melendez
Thursday The 26th:
Scott Thompson,
Josh Jackson
Friday The 27th:
Dame Judi Dench,
Wayne Gretzky,
Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach
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HEY LOOK!! ANOTHER HIATUS!!
Monday The 30th (First shown on 10/06/98):
Yasmine Bleeth,
Kevin Sorbo,
Duncan Sheik
Tuesday The 1st (First shown on 9/22/98):
Will Ferrell,
Ken Olin,
Bonnie Raitt
Wednesday The 2nd (First shown on 9/29/98):
Fran Drescher,
D.L. Hughley,
Matt Graham
Thursday The 3rd (First shown on 10/2/98):
Gina Gershon,
Dylan McDermott,
Squirrel Nut Zippers
Friday The 4th (First shown on 9/15/98):
Rob Schneider,
Maria Bello,
Nick DiPaolo
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THIS TIME LAST YEAR...
On Monday November 24 last year Late Night -- like always -- was re-running a show... and what a show to show again baby. Lisa Kudrow flips for Erik Estrada, Erik Estrada creeps out Conan by showing him his son's umbilical cord that he wears on a chain around his neck. Ahh, what a sweet, and yet strangely misguided man he is... he has good hair though. Muso guests Silverchair rock the show and more. You know him best as Buffalo, we like to call him Houston's Most Wanted, also appeared in what's probably our most favorite remote from last year causing our little Conzie to fear for his life in a bus station late at night. Continuing a theme, Conan also made another offering of political asylum to the then President of Zaire. Andy's busy too, making commercials. He premieres his special advertisement for a Law Firm that's so good the dead will come back for a piece of the action.
Tuesday November 25 1997 saw guests Sigourney Weaver, Garth Brooks, and Frank Gorshin visit the show. Conan and Andy took a look at some celebrities before Plastic Surgery, they later had their Annual Thanksgiving Unwanted Relatives Drive. Tomorry the Ostrich makes a rare appearance too.
It's was a conetastic musical Late Night special (almost) on Wednesday November 26.... Conan took some satellite time out to talk to the newborn Iowa Septuplets. Nathan Lane was first guest, followed shortly by the Reverend Al Sharpton who "gets on up" performing his rendition of the James Brown classic "Sex Machine", The Ventriloquist Dummy Choir celebrate Thanksgiving in a way that only they can. Todd Rundgren also performs.
Classic night on Thursday November 27. It's seasonal baby... You know it's almost Christmas - not because the shops are full of it -- but because the Kiss Ass Turkey appears on Late Night. This time, the sycphantic bird interrupts the conologue to beg Conan not to be eat him at Thanksgiving. A night everyone will remember for Andy's comments while the Masturbating Bear was trying to quit smoking during the National SmokeOut Day. The poor bear was having enough problems with his bad habits that concentrating on not smoking was too much for him and he had to... well, you know, do what the bear does best... his handlers moved in on him and Andy lept to his defense with the unimaginable and unforgettable line: "For God sake let the bear masturbate." Conan and Andy on the Aisle took a look at some upcoming movies, and guests that night were Scott Thompson, Carol Leifer, and Dana Gould. Sweet.
Friday November 28, saw Conan and Andy face-off against each other in another great Staring Contest. Continuing the week's theme leading up to Thanksgiving, the late and loved Carl "Oldy" Olsen appears in a sketch entitled "The Legend of Orlach, the Erotic Pilgrim". Guests were Mary Tyler Moore, Anthony Clark, and music from Ric Ocasek.
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WEEK IN REVIEW by Steph
MONDAY, November 16 (Repeat of 1/9/98):
Minnie Driver,
Richard Belzser,
B.B. King.
A look at the real reason the Titanic sank.
If They Mated.
A look at what happens after a typical show.
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TUESDAY, November 17:
Kevin Pollak,
Alyssa Milano,
R.E.M.
Conan's Guitar Improv
The Linda Tripp Tapes
Conan kicked off the comedy with a Guitar Improv for a woman in the audience with her son. As usual our main man got a little carried away with himself and ends up singing: "Sally's really greedy, She needs money for drugs..." Kevin Pollak was first guest, promoting Avolon. They went on talking a little about William Shatner and Schmutz (Anti Social Decorative Wear, that Kevin is selling). Then we had more comedy listening to "The Linda Tripp tapes" which had a lotta burping in them. The 2nd guest was Alyssa Milano who was Tony Danza's Daughter on "Who's The Boss" she was promoting her show on the WB "Charmed". We learned that she was a "Rockstar" in Japan. Closing the show was R.E.M, probably the most eagerly anticipated guests since Sandra Bullock made her appearance. For that reason they played two songs.
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WEDNESDAY, November 18:
Rob Schneider,
Jerry Stiller,
Dr. Drew Pinsky and Adam Carolla
Joe Louis Walker (sitting in with the MW7)
Actual Items
Public Service Announcements
Wednesday on the show they did some Actual Items (they're real, you know, who would make this stuff up?) and we learned that Conan does some of his Christmas shopping at Chestnut Hill Mall! The first guest was Rob Schneider promoting "Waterboy". This time he didn't do anything to unusual like some of his past appearances on the show, but he did make it sound like he was the star of "Waterboy" (which he isn't, Adam Sandler is). He also Showed some clips from "The Waterboy" witch really weren't clips from the Waterboy. The second comedy bit was the always funny Public Service Announcements. The second guest was Jerry Stiller on King of Queens's, and the third guests were MTV's Dr.Drew Pinsky and Adam Carolla Promoting Loveline! Sitting in with the band was Joe Louis Walker.
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THURSDAY, November 19:
Jennifer Love Hewitt,
Marc Maron,
Kevin Brennon,
Pleasing The Affiliates,
Segue Sam
Tonight on the show Conan did his bit for "Pleasing the Affiliates". Like always Conan did a good job at that! The first guest was Jennifer Love Hewitt promoting "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" and her hosting "SNL" this week. We learned that Conan Is a "Saved by the Bell" fan and that "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" should be called " I Still Know What You Did 2 Summers Ago".. coz that's how old it is.... The second guest was comedian Marc Maron who brought up the subjects of sex, drugs and ice-cream. Then it was time for Conan to call on Segue Sam. The first time he came out he made a good segue then the second time he came out he was beaten, in his underwear, and all tied up. Yet he still managed to help Conan come up with another segue, that's just the kinda guy he is; a true professional. The third and final guest of the evening was comedian Kevin Brennan who mostly made jokes about sex, the Bible and girlfriends.
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FRIDAY, November 20:
Jerry Springer,
Charlize Theron,
Everclear,
The President In Crisis,
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog
Friday on the show Conan and Andy talked about Clinton, leading on to the First comedy bit, a Clutch Cargo "The President in Crisis". The President was live from Japan and talked about the Lewinski tapes and how the Paula Jones case was settled for $850,000. They got into talking about the nicknames Clinton had for Monica witch were BooBoo and Butthead. Then Conan welcomed Ken Starr still live Via Satellite, he stared making a long boring speech in monotone, he bored himself to sleep. Then Clinton came back and serenaded us Karoke Style!
The first guest was Charlize Theron she was promoting "Celebrity". We learned that Charlize was from South Africa and she learned to speak English from watching TV. We also learned that Conan drinks before AND after the show! The second guest was the one and only JERRY!!!! no not Seinfeld, SPRINGER. He was Promoting his Book and movie "Ring Master". We learned that Jerry is never going to do another love scene, there has been up to 130 bleeps in one of his shows, and that Jerry has spent some time with a hooker! After the interview was over they introduced Triumph the insult comic dog-- his first appearance on the show since the 5th anniversary. Triumph and 2 other dogs, one poodle (his girlfriend) and one puppet dog had a Springer show of there own and were throwing chairs around! Then Finally the Third guest was muso group Everclear who made their television debut 3 years ago on Late Night With Conan O'Brien!
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FYI
"NEE-HA!" #46 was edited by Linzi Gallacher with thanks to Micah Honees, Audrey, Steph and Robin Banks.
"NEE-HA!" is on the web at:
http://www.angelfire.com/ny/lacob/neeha.html
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