"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #10/11-041

Hello everyone!! Well, yet another milestone in the history of Late Night was marked this week with--what everyone's talking aboot--the 1000th show. That's huge. Absolutely HUGE. Maybe even bigger than the Fifth Anniversary show. Was that a flippant statement? I reason that, it is bigger, because it's one thousand shows more than any of the critics ever imagined, also five years more than they imagined. Long may it continue, and I hope, sincerely, that there is a way to bring the show back to everyone in the countries that no longer have the pleasure of seeing it every night.

Yesh, everyone who knows me, has heard me rant about it in one way or another. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being this person who does nothing but rant over my loss to anyone who will listen. And it is personal. It's personal to everyone who can no longer see the show. It's time to stop ranting. It's time to take action (I'm so political). Three and a half months on, it's time to do something about it. Right now I'm willing to do anything... and if we don't have the show on here again within six months, come April I'm gonna find me a more Conetastic country to live in.

What can we do? I'm kind of stumped for ideas so, I'd like to open up the floor (as it were) and ask you for your ideas on how we can go about getting our Conan back. Please let me know if you have an ideas, I'm up for anything that doesn't get me arrested or killed (coz then I'd still not be able to see the show).

No Neeha for next week (happy hiatus everyone - anyone counting how many there's been this year?) I'll be back in two weeks!! Til then have a conetastic two-weeks, hope Ms. Bullock turns up and now... let's get it awn!

Late Night Linzi
Editor

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CONTENTS -
'MR. PRESIDENT, PRIVATE EYE' By Conan O'Brien
LATE NIGHT POLL
CLINTON SCANDAL CONOLOGUE By Robin Banks
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS - October 12 - 23 1998
THIS TIME LAST YEAR...
WEEK IN REVIEW By Stephanie
FYI
END QUOTE

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'MR. PRESIDENT, PRIVATE EYE'
A one-hour state-of-the-union detective series.
By CONAN O'BRIEN

President Jack Camden is the elected leader of the free world. He's also a crime buff, and whenever his official duties take him within 50 feet of a jewel theft, murder or art forgery, Camden can't help turning amateur sleuth. No crime is too small for this Commander in Chief's attention, and important business of state is often jeopardized to corner racehorse smugglers and opera-star blackmailers. This hourlong comedy-thriller follows in the tradition of "Murder, She Wrote," only this time the amateur detective is in the eye of the 90's media hurricane, and much of the fun revolves around his attempts to sneak through the crime world undetected. In one episode, Camden ducks out of a World Economic Summit to meet a crackhead informer in an alley. The following week he tries to tail a suspected kidnapper inconspicuously with a full Presidential motorcade in tow. All the while, President Camden risks upsetting the delicate balance of world power by involving heads of state in his mysteries.

In the episode "Dial 'M' for Mr. President," Camden picks the Russian President's brain at an arms-control conference:

Russian President: Mr. President, you seem distracted.

Camden: I'm sorry, Yuri. It's just that ... well ... if you were going to commit suicide and you had a lifelong fear of guns, would you kill yourself with a shotgun?

Russian President [puzzled]: No ... I would use poison.

Camden [elated]: Exactly! Follow me out this window, Yuri. I'll explain on the way.

The counterweight to all this nonsense is Secret Service Agent Cox. A much-decorated professional, Cox knows that the President isn't supposed to be chasing criminals. At the same time, Cox is sworn to protect Camden, which means he always ends up playing Dr. Watson despite his best efforts. Cox also has his hands full keeping the First Lady in the dark. More Pat Nixon than Hillary Clinton, Joyce Camden is so passionate about her husband's historical legacy that she's sketchy on his day-to-day activities. No matter how arduous their adventure, Cox must always return the President safely to the White House before the First Lady takes notice. To make matters worse, Camden's Vice President is a nosy, politically frustrated man who watches the President like a modern-day Mrs. Kravitz. He'd love to see Camden booted from office, but instead he's always impotently shouting, to no one in particular, things like, "I'm telling you, I saw the President jump a drawbridge in a Camaro!" Between the First Lady and the Vice President, Agent Cox has his hands full. But, of course, the high jinks lie with President Camden, who isn't above using the immense powers of his office to crack a case. The great paradox is that the most powerful man in the world can't delegate when it comes to his one true passion. He's out on the streets in every episode doing whatever it takes to see justice prevail.

[ Copyright: New York Times 1998 No infringement of copyright is inferred or intentded, this article appears here without profit purely for the benefit of fans. ]

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LATE NIGHT POLL

THIS WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: Which character would be most fun to share a room with?

Send your response before Thursday to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com

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LAST WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: : What's most embarrassing to be caught watching by your parents/grandparents, the Masturbating Bear or The Gaseous Wiener... or something else?

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Ali -

I am most embarrassed when my parents catch me watching Stacey. Not because of the character, but because I cheer for her, very loudly.

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Deanne -

More embarrassing? The Masturbating Bear, hands down (pun semi-intended)!

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Scott -

It's got to be the "masturbating bear" that would make me most embarrassed.

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Erin -

I would definitely have to say a masturbating bear...you know how old people are.. these kids these days they would say and what is the world coming to! Or just as embarrassing having them walk in on you having sex!!! Or walk in on you while watching Boogie Nights would be pretty bad too!!

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Clare -

I thought the 'Vagina Chronicles' discussion last week was pretty damn embarrassing! It was hilarious, though.

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Sarah -

The 5 most embarrassing bits to be caught watching are (in order):

1. Masturbating Bear
2. Robot on the Toilet (especially when he "can't do it" and they cheer him on)
3. Gaseous Weiner
4. Clyde Clemming's "Inappropriate" Channel
5. Embryonic Rockabilly Polka-Dotted Fighter Pilots Channel

Try explaining these to the 'rents!

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Scott -

That's easy, Max Weinberg having sex with himself.

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Foolio -

I think it would be the most embarrassing to be caught watching the Maturbating Bear than any others. The only other thing that scares me is that if your parents or grandparents catch you watching pornos or something like that. But, besides, my grandmother (she's the only grandparent left right now) doesn't even know who I am or what the word 'F*ck' is! She's hilarious!

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Claudia -

Wow! I'm wondering how would you explain either one to your grandparents. "Hey grandma, check out the masturbating bear and the flatulant hotdog!" I know mine would just wonder!

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Jessica -

Well, one of the most embarrassing moments for me happened just yesterday in the car with my parents. It seems my dad had watched Friday's show and asked me if I saw the last "If They Mated" they did that night. Of course I had, but I couldn't remember what it was, so he refreshed my memory by telling my mom about it....he was like "Yeah, they wanted to see the child of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. It turned out to be a cigar wrapped in a blanket." He was cracking up while my mom looked at ME in disgust....I just sat there, with my face all red. It's not my fault, I don't write the jokes!

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Audrey -

Gaseous wiener! My grandparents wouldn't know what the Masturbating Bear was doing....

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Alicia -

Oh, definitely the Masturbating Bear. My mom is so up-tight (she grew up Irish-Catholic, what do you expect?) In fact, when we went to see Conan live. My best friend said "Alicia, you better pray the Masturbating Bear isn't on tonight" Thank God, he wasn't. I couldn't picture my mom in the same room as the Masturbating Bear.

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Tracey -

Well, I usually watch it before my Mom or Grandma does, so I can fast forward if need be, but once, my Dad was here & Joy of Joys, I got to watch on the tv in the living room, instead of my much smaller tv with worse reception...but anyway, I was singing the praises of LN when the Masturbating Bear decides to make his appearance...*sigh*. It was a convenient time to go get a drink.

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Jeff -

How about the Masturbating Wiener?

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Julie B -

Most embarrassing? When my mom questioned me as to whom "Pimpbot...that thing on your t-shirt" was, but trying to explain who the masturbating bear was to my little sister tops that.

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Sodapop -

Definitely the Masturbating Bear. The Gaseous Weiner is just gross, but if you're parents see you laughing to the Masturbating Bear, then they'll probably think you're some perverted freak. You have to be a fan to understand the humor of it.

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CLINTON SCANDAL CONOLOGUE By Robin Banks

I think I go through phases of liking and then not liking the Clinton jokes in the Conologue. This month I dig them. So, without further ado, here's a compilation of the latest and greatest! - Robin

"Oprah Winfrey says she turned down an interview with Monica Lewinsky because Monica got too greedy. Apparently, the final straw was when Monica demanded an hour alone with Steadman."

"Yesterday, President Clinton pointed out that the last time there was a budget surplus, 'Bonanza' was the top show and a Coke was 15 cents. Then the President went a little too far by saying, 'Playboy' was only 50 cents and a peep show was a nickel.'"

"It was reported today that Linda Tripp has passed a lie detector test where she has denied tampering with the Monica Lewinsky tapes. Afterwards, Tripp said, 'Tampering with secretly recorded conversations between friends would be wrong.'"

"This week Hillary Clinton attended the eighth annual conference for the wives of heads of states. Apparently, it's payback time, because this year's conference was held at Hedonism II."

"Transcripts released today in Washington show that Monica Lewinsky once told Linda Tripp that the whole situation between her and the President 'is too much for one person to deal with.' Which is why President Clinton encouraged her to bring a friend along."

"Earlier today, Hillary Clinton spoke to a group of 1,000 women and said that now is the time for women to make gains in their economic status. Hillary said the easiest way to do that is to settle out of court with her husband."

"Since the Clinton sex scandal erupted, the percentage of people naming their daughters Monica has gone way down. On the other hand, thousands of men have renamed a certain sex act a 'Lewinsky.'"

"Yesterday, President Clinton's four-hour taped videotaped testimony aired on national television. When asked about it, the President said, 'That was the least fun I ever had talking about sex.'''

"Here in New York City, President Clinton's testimony was broadcast on the jumbo TV in Times Square. That is until Mayor Giuliani had it closed down.''

"Monica Lewinsky apparently said that she never wore the infamous blue dress again because Linda Tripp told her it made her look fat. That's mostly because the President ejaculates in horizontal stripes.''

"Yesterday, President Clinton's meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan was scheduled for 10 minutes, and it lasted for two hours. Which is interesting because his meetings with Monica Lewinsky were scheduled for two hours and lasted 10 minutes.''

"According to new polls, 75 percent of Americans disagree with the President's claim that oral sex is not sex. Even more shocking, 50 percent of married people deny that oral sex exists.''

"Yesterday, Sammy Sosa hit homeruns 64 and 65, which means he's once again tied with Mark McGwire. To keep you updated, President Clinton is still tied with Wilt Chamberlain.''

"Monica Lewinsky said recently that President Clinton has a Saturday night personality where he gives in to his urges, and a Sunday morning personality where he feels bad and goes to church. He also has a Wednesday-is-wet-T-shirt-night personality.''

"Yesterday, President Clinton spent the entire day phoning various members of Congress to try and get their support. But first, he had to assure them that the sound in the background really was the vacuum cleaner.''

"This week in Michigan, Al Gore was accidentally introduced at a fundraiser as President Gore. Worse than that, President Clinton was accidentally introduced as Frank Gifford.''

"Yesterday in Paris, film stars from all over the world held a rally in support of President Clinton. Unfortunately for the President, they were all stars of porn films.''

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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees

Every day is a milestone in the life of "Late Night". This past Thursday Conan and the crew celebrated their 1000^th show, something to be proud of, indeed.

The first guest on the momentous night was Jeff Goldblum. He is one of those actors that seems to be in every movie. In fact, while I'm not 100% sure, I think he was in my cousin's wedding video. I mean, really. He's everywhere. The guy has been in "Jurassic Park 2", "Independence Day", and one of my all-time favorites, "The Great White Hype". He was on "Late Night" to promote (What else?) his new movie "Holy Man". The movie looks pretty run-of-the-mill and dreadful, the appearance was not.

At the outset Conan remarked that Jeff was the first and only guest to ever appear on the show who wanted to smell the host. This set of a strange chain of events in which the men began discussing which kinds of smells and odors that each found pleasurable. While this in itself was not entirely odd, what was odd was the fact that neither of them brought up the greatest smell of all: baking brownies.

A quick segue revealed that Mr. Goldblum is, in fact, a fan of the show. The Man of Many Movies complimented Conan for his impressions; saying that he liked Colonel Klink from "Hogan's Heroes" best. While it isn't one of my favorites, it was nice to see one of O'Brien's peers prove himself to be a fan-especially after Tuesdays' how where Yasmine Bleeth and Hercules himself, Kevin Sorbo, seemed to be more fans of themselves that anything else. Bleeth, one snappy dish if there ever was one, really kind of came of as a bit spoiled to me with her whining about not having a picture hung in the Hall(way) of Fame and telling the host that for her next appearance (her 10^th) she should get a present. I kind of thought she already had. She got to spill it about her Elvis fixation (I like the Fat Elvis better if you're scoring at home) and how much "cooler" Don Johnson is to work with than David Hasselhoff. Other than that it was just blah blah blah-even though Conan did his walking woody (see: Romijn, Rebecca) impression for the beautiful former Baywatch-er.

Yes, that's the week that was...a slow one for FREAKS.

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UPCOMING GUESTS - October 12 - 23 1998

MONDAY, October 12 (Repeat of 8/5/98):
Tony Danza,
Joseph Gordon-Levitt,
Patrice O'Neal

TUESDAY, October 13:
Steven Baldwin,
Jeri Ryan,
Mark Leyner

WEDNESDAY, October 14:
Sandra Bullock,
Scott Thompson,
Rasputina

THURSDAY, October 15:
Lucy Lawless,
Tate Donovan,
Kenny Rogerson

FRIDAY, October 16:
Isabella Rossellini,
David Arquette,
Cake

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MONDAY, October 19 (Repeat of 8/28/98):
Brian Williams,
Frank McCourt,
Lewis Black

TUESDAY, October 20 (Repeat of 8/11/98):
Gary Sinise,
L.L. Cool J,
Jonathan Richman

WEDNESDAY, October 21 (Repeat of 7/15/98):
Ben Stiller,
Seth Green,
The Brian Setzer Orchestra

THURSDAY, October 22 (Repeat of 8/27/98):
Salma Hayek,
Richard Branson,
The Dixie Chicks

FRIDAY, October 23 (Repeat of 8/7/98):
Adam Arkin,
Jim Fowler,
Tori Amos

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THIS TIME LAST YEAR....

On Tuesday, October 14, X-Files' David Duchovny was on as a guest, and he's threatening to move his show which was recorded in Vancouver, to Los Angeles. Conan has some people on who are trying to persuade him to move the show to their cities. Other guests were Bill Bellamy and Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise. Conan and Andy also did some Actual Items.

On Wednesday, October 15th Party McNarty and his good buddy Werewolf are in the audience and surprise Conan (who is their old college friend). Conan "helps out the kids" by showing some Celebrity Resumes. Guests are Penn And Teller, and actress Jill Hennessy, who takes off her snakeskin pants because Conan loves them so much... eventually Conan, Andy, and Penn & Teller also take off their pants too. Muso guest was Powerman 5000.

On Thursday, October 16 Conan and Andy take a trip to Central Park Zoo. Keith Richards calls Conan worried that his hotel rooms are spinning. Guests were Tori Spelling (who sees a montage for when her 90210 character loses her virginity), Ice-T and daredevil Evel Knievel.

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WEEK IN REVIEW - October 5 - 9 1998

Tuesday to Thursday By Stephanie, visit her conetastic website:
http://www.angelfire.com/ca2/stephlikes/ConanIsGod.html

MONDAY, October 5 (Repeat of 7/24/98):
Edward Burns,
Louie C K,
Bob McCoy and his unconventional medical devices,
Songs For Celebrities
WWCD?

Monday reviewed By Audrey Zwingli: Well, the show started out with some celebrity songs. Most of them were easy to get, but again, to get some, you'd have to really think about it. Edward Burns talked about being sent to boot camp for "Saving Private Ryan", and Andy asks the question that I'm sure most people have wanted to ask: Was it really necessary? Edward answers yes, because there are some things most people don't know, like why you shouldn't pick up a gun by the barrel after just firing. Conan did a promotion for his new campaign: WWCD? (What would Conan do?), a spoof of What would Jesus do? The video was funny, and I can see a few people being alienated because of that...which, I might add, would make the Late Night crew proud :). The last guest was Bob McCoy and his unconventional medical devices. The guy had some interesting things to show us, among them a breast enlarger, a hair grower, a tile that could cure just about anything, and a personality machine.

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TUESDAY, October 6:
Yasmine Bleeth
Kevin Sorbo
Duncan Sheik
Celebrities Hidden Talents
Andy's the new press secretary

The show, while terrific, started out glum....Andy just can't shake his cold, poor thing. Yasmine Bleeth, (former) Baywatch babe that she is, naturally made Conan rowl, while giving stories about her dog (Elvis), Don Johnson (who reminds her of Elvis) and David Hasselhoff (who *used* to be Elvis, but not anymore). I think she feels strongly about something.....someone famous......

And then, of course, Conan told us about the new White House Press Secretary, which was Andy, duh. I mean, how could you not know that? Andy proceeded to answer questions they way we wish he would ("Who cares?"), then lit up a cigarette, and got in trouble for it. He then began whining about being hungry and not having fun. Needless to say he went back to being Sidekick To Conan.

Kevin "Hercules" Sorbo was more entertaining then expected, although he and Yasmine sitting together vaguely resembled Barbie and Ken (about the same intelligence level as well). Well, Kevin promises he will come back on Late Night and fight Fabio, so To Be Continued..... Duncan Sheik topped off the night as expected: great. (hehe, Duncan fan speaking...)

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WEDNESDAY, October 7:
Show #999
Chalton "Chuck" Heston
Peter "Handsomest Man On The Planet" Gallagher
Rich "Friend Of The Show" Hall
Old Fashioned Staring Contest
Sandra Bullock Campaign

Nicknames courtesy Conan O'Brien himself. Andy, still sick, squirmed his way through a staring contest without coughing only to lose. Poor thing. I know you will some day buddy!

Out comes Chuck Heston. See, Chuck promised Conan last year that his next appearance on the show, Conan could call him Chuck. He immediately revoked it, but granted him permission later when Conan tricked him into sort of saying Arnold Schwarzenegger is a bad actor (couldn't do Shakespeare). Conan settled for "Mr. Heston" until Friday, when he did, casually, say "Chuck."

And, as I am *sure* we all know by now, Sandra Bullock is booked for October 14th and they have decided to promote it to hell to ensure that she will show. I'm beginning to think she will....

Peter Gallagher plucks his eyebrows. This I did not know. Of course, Conan proclaimed him "Handsomest Man On The Planet" as he introduced him....I can come up with an argument to that case..... :P

Rich Hall was Rich Hall. He showed us a tape of him doing door-to-door stand up comedy in London, where he lives now, and was censored saying something that I cannot figure out...

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THURSDAY, October 8:
Show #1000!!!!
Jeff Goldblum
Star Jones
Barenaked Ladies
In The Year 2000
Clips of How Well The Boys Get Along

Hap-Hap Happy 1000 everyone! The show could not have gone better. Conan mentioned the big 1-0-0-0 first thing and proceeded to his "5000th Clinton Joke."

Sitting at the desk they took a retrospective look at how well they all get along (clips of the three of them yelling at each other and others and fighting) and then decided to stop dwelling on the past and take a look into the future.

The Future Conan?

In the year 2000 got a little kinky this time, and included the show stopping phrase (from Mark Magwire) "Do myself in the butt"....literally stopped the show. The crowd cheered for so long, Conan just sat there calmly awaiting his turn.....and then when they shut up he started laughing himself.

Jeff Goldblum, I'm pretty sure, is Insane with a capital "i", but I still love the man. I mean, smells? C'mon Jeff.... his last appearance was on the 19th show....

Star Jones from "The View" came next, and of course Conan had to bring up Debbie Pinchalottabutts (Matanopolus) and their encounter....the case remains unsolved, personally I think she did it.

Barenaked Ladies, on of the greatest bands on earth (so says Conan) topped off the night, and Conan reminded us that they made their American Television Debut on the show five years ago (in their second week). So all in all, it was a night of memories.

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FRIDAY, October 9:
Jon Stewart
Louis CK
Annabella Sciorra
Teen Beat Photo Shoot
Mr. "2 inches"

Oh...my....god.....tonight was every horny teenage Conan fans dream come true and then some....in a remote segment (first in a while) Conan went to "Teen Beat" magazine to fulfil his dream of becoming a teen idol....(he already *is*) he experimented with such looks as the backward cap and street clothes (similar to the "Hip Hop" outfit he wore to dance in), the Leo look, and even a goatee (me and my personal opinion: I liked the goatee). Oh, yes, and no shirt holding a kitten....and licking the kitten....and rubbing the kitten in his armpit.

Then came Jon Stewart, who'll be hosting The Daily Show in Jan. Jon, as usual, had plenty of interesting things to say, and naturally getting censored and a little about "weed".....typical Jon. He was on to promote his new book, where we learned that Andy had attended his book signing party (Andy, poor thing, was sucking on a cough drop, still sick.)

Then a very confident Brian McCann came out to discuss his 2 inch....uhhhh.....we won't go there (he stuck his pinky in Conan's face and sang "sneak Preview" is all I can say...) The unexpected (as always) Louis CK was up next, and the whole thing was pretty hard to follow....Jooooooos! Blaaaaaacccckkks! (his impression of racist cows and sheep).

Then Conan talked too much and got scolded by the chick from "What Dreams May Come" (and for some reason Grizzly Bears were brought up.....this show is turning into the grizzly encounter hour..)

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FYI

"NEE-HA!" #41 is here with thanks to Micah Honees, Robin Banks, Audrey Zwingli and Stephanie.

"NEE-HA!" is on the web at:
http://www.angelfire.com/ny/lacob/conan.html

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END QUOTE

"In 1993, the year we went on the air, Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett, Prince changed his name to a weird symbol and Michael Jordan quit the Bulls to play baseball. So, as you can see, we were hardly the year's biggest mistake.''

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