"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #06 /14-026
Bonjour everyone!! Conan luvin' Conetastic, Conanderful.... Yesh!! I may have over done it with the fannish behavior this week. I loooved Late Night this week. This has just been my kinda week. It's just been fan-bloody-tastic. They just seem to keep on finding new ways to make me sooooo excited about the show.
Lemme tell you about Wednesday - the fourth best day of my life EVER!! Of course, I was talking about football there, but you weren't to know that. On the Opening night of the Le Coupe De Monde in France Conan & Crew come up with a skit about The Festival Of The Beautiful Game featuring a Late Night World Cup Correspondent. Naturally, I was horrified when 'Le Cops Francais' began to rip that poor defenceless football apart though, what a pure waste of a good ball.
To be totally honest, they didn't come across like they knew anything substantial about football. I mean, for a start they called it Soccer. One of my pet peeves. And anyone, even people who are clueless about footie could recognize that Ronaldinho is the best player in the world, and undoubtedly will be one of the most brightly shinning stars of the tournament. Oh, and the correspondent really gave himself away when he mentioned the game he was going to be watching that night. Yuh-huh. You die hards will know exactly what I'm getting at here.
But despite the obvious lack of knowledge this is one skit I'd like to see continue throughout the tournament, which ends on July 12. I'd like to see Conan and Andy support USA-- their opening game is tomorrow against Germany at the Parc Des Princes in Paris by the way--and really get behind the team. And then, when it's all over and my wonderful team have won the greatest honor in football (I should be so lucky), they have the USA team on the show and the fab Alexi Lalas gets to sing with his band and plugs his new CD.
One of the best things about the World Cup right at this time is that, for me anyway, it provides a major distraction from NBC Europe and their krunk-like channel changing. Thank God for football, and thank you Conan and Crew for not ignoring this monumental occasion even though football is still pretty much considered to be a minority sport in your country.
EIGHT fresh and lemony shows to go...(still counting them down). Have a great week everyone and let's get it awn!
Linzi Gallacher
Editor/Late Night World Cup Correspondent
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CONTENTS:
WIN A TRIP TO SEE LATE NIGHT
MORE NBC EUROPE INFO
LATE NIGHT POLL
ANOTHER LATE NIGHT POETRY SLAM
THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Abbie
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS - June 15 - 19 1998
THIS TIME LAST YEAR....
WEEK IN REVIEW by Jean
END QUOTE
FYI
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WIN A TRIP TO SEE LATE NIGHT
It's the competition you've all been waiting for; NBC are giving you the chance to win a trip to NYC to see a Late Night With Conan O'Brien taping. Tickets are like gold dust these days, so if you've been trying unsuccessfully to get your hands on any, here's another chance.
It couldn't be easier. All you have to do to be in with a chance of winning this Conetastic prize is fill in your details in the form at the site, and hope and pray that you're gonna be the winner. The competition ends on June 19.
Go to: http://www.nbc.com/lateshift/contest/conan_contest.html
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MORE NBC EUROPE INFO
NBC have told us this week that along with Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Poland and the Czech Republic will through NBC's partnership with Deutsche Fernsehnachrichten Agentur (DFA - a German television production company), be receiving a new localized version of NBC Europe from July 1. The London based NBC Europe is expected to reach approximately 20 million households in those countries. This also means that Late Night remains a viewing option for them.
At the same time approximately 11 million viewers in the U.K., Ireland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, the Netherlands, Belgium, Hungary and Israel will, as announced on April 21, from midnight on June 30, receive programming from the new National Geographic Channel Europe. This new channel will consist of 18 hours of National Geographic programming, and 6 hours of CNBC business news, and as we already know, no Conan. It is yet to be announced what will happen in all the other European countries.
In response to the question of why NBC Europe will only be distributed in certain areas of Europe they responded: "We're doing it because we believe that in order to succeed, it is important for us to focus our programming and target it to a more specific audience. We want to remain active in the region and we think this is the smartest way to proceed. National Geographic has outstanding programming and is one of the most recognized brands in the world. We've been looking for a strong content provider for the past several years and our track record with National Geographic has proven so successful that we're extending it further."
NBC have also confirmed that they are in negotiation with other networks in order to keep shows like 'Late Night With Conan O'Brien' available in Europe, but have refused to divulge any further information at this time until such negotiations are finalized. Watch this space.
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LATE NIGHT POLL
THIS WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: Where in the world is PimpBot 5000? He hasn't been seen by anyone for months and speculation is widespread as to where he has disappeared to. Do you know? Have you seen him recently? Where in the world is PimpBot 5000?
Send your response before Thursday to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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LAST WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: Who has the funniest Public Service Announcements Conan, Andy or Max?
Thanks sooooo much to everyone who quoted their favorites. I just had the swankiest time reading them all again. And my sincerest apologies to Hegs, you were right and I'm sorry, I can't believe I forgot Triumph's PSA. Shame on me. The Potato Judge has found me guilty, and I've been sentenced to watch more football than is humanly possible. Funnily enough, as Late Night's *real* World Cup Correspondent I think I'll handle that rather well. Anyhoo enough with the babble and onward to poll results:
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From: Smith
Max's are always the funniest. "Don't ever kill anybody, but if you do, don't throw the body in the river. It could get in your drinking water. Burn it or bury it."
"Sexual favors (forgot word he used) shouldn't be used to get promotions.
Unless you both agree to it. Come on Jessica, you know you want it."
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From: Chantale
Max most definitely has the funniest public service announcements. They're are so short and horribly sweet, and the poor guy is always made out to be either a sick, demented pervert or a heartless, old bastard ("Old people suck"). But I think the single most hilarious announcement I've ever seen was one from Conan "Children aren't born hating others. You have to teach them!".
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From: Hegs
I hate to tell you that you completely forgot Triumph's public service announcement, which is my favourite, since Triumph is the most funny character of the show... for me to poop on. In Germany, we don't have those so-called 'insult comics', so he appeared a bit strange to me the first time I saw him. In case you deliberately left out Triumph, I vote for Andy.
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From: Michael
You can't say that any one is the best. They're all unique in their own ways.... Conan's are more of the thinking man's variety, Andy's have their own appeal, leaning towards the insane, but Max's are really to the point, and they usually have a high amount of hilarity, but sometimes they aren't all that funny. There is no real answer.
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From: Rachel
I think that max has the very best PSA's! He is hilarious! He delivers sick messages in his own oh so funny style. "Whores, go get em!"
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From: Alexandra
Everything Andy does is hysterical. He can't help it, he's just that cute. So I think I vote Andy.
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From: Donald
MAX! Max's public service announcements are definitely the best. "Impotence. I'm sick of it." Enough said.
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From: Jessica
Definitely Max! His are just Krazy...and he said my first name in one of them! My favorite has to be: "Hey, it's right in the middle of cold and flu season...so stay away from me you sick bastards!"
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From: ToadMan
Max has the best PSA's. His are always really short, but really funny too
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From: Nick West
The person with the funniest public service announcements is Max.
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From: Lisa
Max definitely has the funniest PSAs. The one-liner PSAs are the best.
CMcB8 Max has got to be the best!!!!!!!
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From: Claudia
It is obvious that Max gets the funnier PSA and the more racier ones too!
I think it's kinda cool because you get this persona of a little devil stuck in an innocent looking body.
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From: Janet
Andy has the funniest PSA's, he always looks so adorable when he spurts the punchline, its very convincing!
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From: Karen, Goddess of Odd
Max's are the funniest, of course, in their own special weird way... nothing could *ever* top "Max on Max".... not even Conan dancing naked at my college commencement (puh-leeze Conan??)
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ANOTHER LATE NIGHT POETRY SLAM
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" by Zanra Ised and Suillo Ebab
Late Night with Conan O'Brien!
The potatoes forever fryin'!
He's a Harvard grad,
And an Irish lad,
And he leaves my heart a-sighin'.
He's got blue eyes and cool red hair.
He and Andy make quite a pair.
He's got Pimpbot
And the rest of the lot
And the masturbating bear!
Chorus:
Ohhhhhhhhh Conan!
You're always in my heart!
And as long I've got sweet Late Night,
We shall never part.
Andy sits by his side
And there forever shall he abide.
He wears mis-matched clothes,
And sometimes pantyhose.
His remarks are often snide.
Max Weinberg leads the band.
His seven are close at hand.
He may play a great song,
But it won't last long.
He's the greatest in the land!
Chorus
Conan's show is really great!
Even though it's pretty late.
After Leno's show
He's ready to go
But it is so hard to wait.
So you see, my point is clear.
You should watch Conan throughout the year.
You will be blessed
If you skip your rest
Though your vision might be sMeArEd!
NEE-HAH!!!!!
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THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Abbie
**Conan O'Brien on KATHIE LEE**
"This week is Fleet week, here in New York City. This is when 10,000 sailors visit the City. When Kathie Lee heard about this she said to Frank, "It's payback time, baby!"
**Conan O'Brien on GORE**
"There is a new book available, that details the intimate past of Tipper and Al Gore's sex life. It's entitled 'Things No One Wants To Know About.'"
**Conan O'Brien on PAVAROTTI**
"Yesterday in Italy, at Luciano Pavorotti's house, there was a huge fire. Firefighters say there was a great deal of smoke damage, but most of the damage occured when Pavarotti stopped, dropped, and rolled."
**Conan O'Brien on JOHNNY COCHRAN**
"Johnny Cochran recently turned down an offer to be Monica Lewinsky's lawyer. He was quoted as saying that "If she wears a beret, I say nay!"
**Conan O'Brien on GILLIGAN**
"Bob Denver, better known as 'Gilligan', was arrested for possession of marijuana. Police became suspicious of Denver when he was seen ordering fourteen coconut cream pies."
**Conan O'Brien on KAVORKIAN**
"Dr. Karvorkian says that from now on, after he kills his patients, their organs will be made available for donation. He's reported as saying he will sell them at the Gap (next to the corduroys)."
**Conan O'Brien on TORI SPELLING**
"Tori Spelling, in a recent interview, was reported as stating that kids from her high school used to call her "daddy's little rich girl". When Mr. Spelling heard this, he bought all the companies their parents worked for, and had them fired."
**Conan O'Brien on BREASTS**
"A new pill is being developed that will make women's breasts larger. It's being made available after years of intensive testing on Ted Kennedy."
**Conan O'Brien on RUDENESS**
"The other night at the White House, a man's pants fell down while he was shaking hands with the President. Which is really rude, because proper etiquette states that the one should let the President drop his pants first."
**Conan O'Brien on PAT ROBERTSON**
"Pat Robertson is warning the City of Orlando and Disney World that hosting a gay tourist event could cause God to punish then with some type of disaster. It could be a hurricane, or a visit from Pat Robertson."
**Conan O'Brien on NABISCO**
"Nabisco, the makers of the Oreo cookie, is announcing that they're cutting over three thousand jobs. It is all part of their new quota system where they'll have two black employees for every creamy white employee."
**Conan O'Brien on KATHIE LEE VICTIM**
"Yesterday, a jury awarded a woman injured by an elephant on the Regis and Kathie Lee show one and a half million dollars. They gave her one million for the injury involving the elephant, and half a million for being forced to meet Kathie Lee."
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
(My hair hero is Steve Austin)
"Hello...is it me you're looking for..?" OK, admit it. You all have been waiting for me to begin a column with a Lionel Ritchie quote for quite some time now. And there you go.
Why pick Lionel? Well, "Late Night" was in repeats and retreads for two guh-lorious weeks and I figured that everyone of us has been flashing back soooooo much that one more flashback-albeit to the eighties-would do a body good. You're all welcome.
Now let's get to it. You know, as I make my way through this life that is just down-time between Stanley Cup Playoff games, I often hear a little buzz around town; and you all know what they're saying, baby: Who's it gonna be? Who do you think will win? Well, since we all know that the Red Wings are gonna take it, the scuttlebutt and conjecture can only be about THE FREAK OF THE WEEK. Well, thank you for asking!
Repeats are generally not eligible due to our stringent governing body so that leaves actor Tim "I like being spotted in the crowd at Ranger games so much I made it a career!" Robbins and Dick "Kind of like your dad trying to be cool in front of your friends" Clark out of the running. This week's FOTW is also a BFOTS (Big Friend of The Show), the loverly and talented Janeane Garofalo.
I like Janeane a lot. She's one of those rare talents that actually makes me stop clicking around to watch her on whatever show she's on while I'm surfing the tube. She has a quality that's hard to define, outside of being really really funny. That's why I love it whenever she takes the chair on Conan. It's always a pretty fun time; voyeuristic almost. This past week's shot was no exception. I watched the sitdown with Conan, Andy, and Janeane and immediately it hit me like a stick in the eye: it's so entertaining because the three of them just look like they're hanging out and shooting the shit at a party or something. They're very much like me and my friends and they talk about the same stuff.
Case in point(s): Janeane's sneakers. OK, she had these combo Gene Simmons/Spice Girl moonboots on and they were kind of funky. If someone I knew wore those I would have to get "the story". What did Conan do? Got the story. I got a kick out of the "I can rave Janeane" story she spilt from one of her fans. Maybe it's because I'm getting to that age where I look around and shake my head in wonderment at the kids in the mall and their fashion risks whenever I'm forced into mass commerce. I don't know.
Then came the admittedly obligatory Viagra observation. I don't know if you've been keeping up with this like I have but the bastion of all journalistic integrity-that's right: The New York Post-can't let a day slip by without a new report of some old coot leaving his wife for a young chippy; blaming his newly-found, ahem, journalistic integrity, on The Wonder Drug. Again, this is probably something you've done either around the water cooler, on line in the supermarket, or at the gym. Talked about Viagra, that is. And on second thought, if you did talk about it at the gym, keep it to your damn self.
So, in the final analysis, this vote is not for Janeane Garofalo per se, but probably is more for what she brings to the table on these talk shows. She's funny, bright, a little jaded (A LITTLE?), and fun to listen to-even when she really doesn't have anything to say. She should be on more talk shows. But not Leno's. He'd be offended. He probably takes Viagra. By the handful. You just know it.
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UPCOMING GUESTS - June 15 - 19 1998
The list of upcoming guests is a provisional list, subject to change:
MONDAY, June 15 (Rerun)
Kevin Bacon,
Andy Kindler,
The Bacon Brothers
TUESDAY, June 16:
Dave Chappelle,
Patrick MacNee
WEDNESDAY, June 17:
Charles Grodin
Ebba Forsberg
THURSDAY, June 18:
Jonathan Katz
FRIDAY, June 19:
Marilu Henner,
David George Gordon
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THIS TIME LAST YEAR....
On Monday June, 16 in a repeat of the February 28th show guests were Bob Costas, Merrill Markoe, and singer Bonnie Raitt. The desk bit was "Progressive Patterns" and Talented Cat Show Contestants and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog appeared.
On Tuesday Conan, Andy and Max showed off some children's drawings and their brand spanking new Public Service Announcements. Guests were George Carlin, supermodel Paulina Porizkova and Kevin Smith
Guests on Wednesday were SNL's Darrell Hammond, Malcolm Getz, comedian Jimmy Tingle. Closed-Captioning was the comedy bit at the start of the show and Andy's little sister Stacy makes an appearance and reveals all about her crush on Conan.
On Thursday June 19th, guests were Fabio and another appearance by his man-boobs, Jonathan Katz who talked about Conan's guest appearance on his show (Dr. Katz) and musical guest was Widespread Panic. Celebrity Tombstones was the comedy along with another appearance from Triumph The Insult Comic Dog.
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WEEK IN REVIEW by Jean
MONDAY, June 8 (rerun):
Helen Hunt
Dick Clark
Brian Kiley
Andy at the Alternative Medicine Convention
Depressed Announcer Joel
TUESDAY, June 9:
Janeane Garofalo
Louis CK
Save Ferris
In the Year 2000
Conan's "Vacation" in the studio
WEDNESDAY, June 10:
Anne Heche
Robert Stack
Ed Byrne
Conan's Celebrity Autograph Book
'Late Night' World Cup Correspondent/Terrorist
THURSDAY, June 11:
Sarah Jessica Parker
Darrell Hammond
Clutch Cargo - Clinton and Vernon Jordan
Conan & Andy argue who has the most extravagant tastes, then Andy rides off on his souped-up Sexie Sadie motorcyle/airplane.
FRIDAY, June 12:
Dave Chappelle
Laura Linney
Pulp
Late Night Apologies
Mike Chambers and the suicidal balcony jumper
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END QUOTE
"What you said was wrong. You mention my man boobies again and I will slap you in irons!" - Conan doing Ted Kennedy
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FYI
HOW TO GET TICKETS FOR LATE NIGHT:
Write to:
NBC Tickets
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112
Or call:
(212) 664 - 3056/3057
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Vote for your favorite trio, Conan, Andy and Max to be in a MILK ad.
Go to: http://www.whymilk.com
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"NEE-HA!" #26 is here with thanks to Micah Honees, Abbie, Jean, John Knox and NBC Europe.
My Special Thanks To: Jim Leighton, Colin Calderwood, Colin Hendry, Tom Boyd, Craig Burley, Christian Dailly, Paul Lambert, John 'the coolest of the cool' Collins, Gordon Durie, Kevin Gallacher, Darren Jackson Craig Brown & Entire Crew.
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Comments & questions to moi: LACOB@AOL.COM
Poll Response to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com