"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #05/24-024
Bonjour everyone! What a week!! Conetastic. Any week that features my favorite little insult comic dog legally has to rock!! And rock it did. I've never noticed this before (mainly because I'm mighty lay-zee), but there's a Triumph fan site out there. I've had a few inquiries to see if I knew of one, and I haven't been able to answer that up until now.... Soooo for all lovers of Triumph, if you're searching for some Triumph .wavs and a great site (for me to poop on!!) you should check out this site: http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/5774/poop.html
I thought I'd mention this uptop (as it's the most important thing in the world right now) Norwegian viewer Jon Berg has set up a protest website for people to sign a letter of complaint that will go to NBC. I'd like to ask everyone to please, please, please sign this letter and support us fans in Europe. Go to: http://w1.2755.telia.com/~u275500384/conan.html
Re: Keeping Europe A Conan Zone. A few people who watch Conan on satellite in Europe have written to me regarding the possibility of getting hold of a German viewing card, as Late Night will still be available there. I thought this was a great idea. And they're checking out their options to get an official subscription to the DF-1 pay-TV package. We're not sure if you can do this legally from outside Germany, but we'll keep you informed with whatever we hear.
I know that a lot of people will be going home from college for the summer and will no longer have access to their college email accounts. If you would like to unsubscribe or transfer your "NEE-HA!" subscription to another account please let me know. Just email me LACOB@AOL.COM with "Switch Accounts" in your subject line.
I'm taking a break at the same time as Conan so, "NEE-HA!" won't be back with you until June 7. I'll see you then. Enjoy your Late Night hiatus everyone (two looooong weeks) and let's get it awn!
Linzi
Freckle-bearing Sun-block Wearing Editor
********************************************
CONTENTS:
DEAR DIZZA
STOP FEEDING THE TROLLS!! by Lesley Grossman
LATE NIGHT POLL
THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Robin Banks
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS FOR HIATUS
THIS TIME LAST YEAR....
WEEK IN REVIEW
KEEP EUROPE CONETASTIC!!
END QUOTE
FYI
********************************************
DEAR DIZZA...
Dear Dizza is recognized and accepted as a somewhat skilled counsellor for Late Night Addiction. Her experience includes, but is not limited to, weeks of intense education and training in coping with the devastating but fun effects of Late Night Addiction, which she herself openly admits to having.
Her advice is sought out by thousands (well, at least sixteen people anyway, but potentially it's thousands) and she welcomes your pathetic cries for help as she "leads you down the Conaningly-crazed path to a happier-yet wackier future!"
----------------------------------------------------
MESSAGE FROM DEAR DIZZA:
I've received a lot of letters from you readers out there all seeming to deal with the same topic: being distracted by Late Night in various ways. To save time and space, I'd like to answer them all by discussing, once again, CHROLATE NITEDIST (Medical term for CHRONIC LATE NIGHT DISTRACTION).
Many of you have tested positive for this disease and want to know what it's all about. Laughing uncontrollably at inappropriate moments due to flashbacks of a Late Night comedy skit is just one of the many common symptoms of CHROLATE NITEDIST. Other Symptoms may include:
You can contact me for the full list of CHROLATE NITEST Symptoms, but there is no known cure for this disease so just do your best to learn to cope with it!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Dizza,
My girlfriend who happens to be a Late Night fan is making me take this stupid personality test. She over-analyzes and reads way too much into EVERYTHING. I'm really scared krunkless to answer the questions. Can you help me with this one: If you were a kind of fruit, what kind would you be? The answer could make or break my relationship Dizza. Help me.
Scared Krunkless in Kingston
Dear Krunkless,
Steal..... I mean "borrow" your answer from the great Andy Richter himself! Here is his answer to what type of fruit you should be:
"Something exotic...with a hard exterior but a soft fleshy inside...a pleasing aroma, and tiny little seeds...that are easily choked on."
That'll give her something to analyze!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Dizza,
I'm dating a guy right now who hates Conan O'Brien. I'm trying to deal with it as best I can. At first he was all like "O.K. fine, I'll go to a taping of the show with you." But now he told me he's changed his mind and won't go. He won't even watch Conan with me. Maybe he'll gradually get used to Conan? What can I do to make him like the show? I love him, but I love to watch Conan O'Brien too!
From Keep Him Conantastic
Dear Keep Him Conantastic, Don't "Keep Him"!! DUMP HIM! DUMP HIM NOW! Again going back to my reply to an earlier letter from someone in your situation, let me say this:
Ask yourself: How can a meaningful and lasting relationship be built on this shaky foundation of SEPARATE COMEDY VALUES??? It just can't be done. I can see by your letter than you're thinking, "I can change him." DON'T BE FOOLED!! Wake up before it's too late.
He seems to have had time to learn to accept Late Night into his life, but it's obvious it's of little importance to him. CAN YOU LIVE WITH THAT? Are you willing to give up the comedy of Conan O'Brien that your life now revolves around? Please don't ignore this important issue. The choice is up to you!!
********************************************
STOP FEEDING THE TROLLS!! by Lesley Grossman
Ah, trolls. Like platform shoes, they seem to come in and out of fashion every so often. Perhaps enticed by the warm weather, or new Snapple flavors, trolls have once again taken up residence on Late Night's newsgroup, AFCOB.
By definition, a troll is someone that hangs around a newsgroups or message board, posting useless, rude, and sometimes offensive comments. As everyone knows, there are no rules governing the 'net, so what's an innocent Conan fan to do? Just do like Mom always said. Ignore 'em and they'll go away. AFCOB has been in existence for a long time, over five years. We're not letting it go down because of a troll or two.
Even so, they don't help. A usually friendly atmosphere is standard in AFCOB. The same people post, chat and pick apart the show nearly everyday. Being a public forum, everyone's opinions are welcome, troll or not. When this is taken advantage of, AFOCB begins to look bad. People begin to think twice about posting, for fear of a troll attack, and the group isn't growing like it should.
But what about the show? Ask any AFCOB poster and they'll tell you that Late Night people read the group. While not a constant presence, they've introduced themselves to us, and posted on occasion. If trolls post tons of useless junk, and the group is reduced to nothing more than insults and arguments between individuals, the show isn't going to care what we think anymore. They want intelligent opinions, not childish games.
So, if you're in the practice of trolling (on AFCOB, or any other group), it's time to grow up and find a hobby. At this point, if people are posting, asking you to go away, you've overstayed your welcome. Grow up and move on with your life.
And if you're new to AFCOB, don't be afraid to post. If you do get flamed by a troll, ignore it or respond through email (if you must). 99.9% of the people on the group are friendly and don't bite, honest! Go ahead and post to your heart's delight. Just remember one thing before you click "Post My Message": Would you want your mother to read it??
********************************************
LATE NIGHT POLL
THIS WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: What other TV show in the drama/comedy category would you like to see a Late Night crossover with?
ER
THE X-FILES
SOUTH PARK
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
SOMETHING ELSE?
Send your response before Friday to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LAST WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: What is your all time favorite comedy skit?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Nick
The one where Conan rents an ice cream truck, and when Carl 'Oldy' Olson goes back to work for UPS, this episode aired during last years strike.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Stacie
I think I'm kinda' partial to 'Loser', although it's been quite awhile since I've seen him. I think it's way overdue. Brian McCann is hilarious. Besides, is there anyone out there who doesn't relate to Loser in one pathetic way or another? Anyone?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: 12DumBug
the "Staring Contests!!" funny, funny, funny.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Alicia
My favorite skit was when Conan went to Houston to see if anyone was watching his show, and ran into Buffalo... .and I love whenever Trumiph makes an appearance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Chantale
I think the funniest skit I've ever seen has to be the one where Conan went to Houston to see how well his show was doing there. He walks into this train station and it's like, 2am or something and this very big, grumpy man is being very rude and giving Conan a rough time and then Conan says "I just almost got murdered" and it was the funniest dang line I've ever heard. Hmmm... Come to think of it I should have contributed that to the last trivia question....
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Louise
Tough question coz I love everything (except Polly the Peacock). I think my favorite has to be one from a while back it was Conan going to a Beauty convention in NYC. It was hilarious. He got one of the writers a makeover and Conan got a facial and wore these hair extentions to make him 'Conando'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Denver Smith
Andy Richter's Mysterious World Of The Unexplained Universe is very funny but Triumph's public service message put him over the top. Gaseous Weiner and Pimp Bot are very good also- FOR ME TO POOP ON!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: The Icon
The best skit ever ever ever in the history of Late Night has to be the first time I saw Triumph, when he ripped William Shatner the new one. I can honestly say that I've seen it a buttload of times--which is a lot--and I laugh hard enough to cause property damage. In fact, whenever my friends have a question about whether or not Conan is actually as funny as I say it is, I pop in the tape and show this sketch to them. Works every time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A bunch of other people were voting but you never bothered to leave your names!! Here's how it added up anyway:
PIMP BOT 5000 - 24 votes
TRIUMPH - 19 votes
STARING CONTESTS - 13 votes
THE MASTURBATING BEAR - 9 votes
********************************************
THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Robin Banks
**Conan O'Brien on NEW YORK NEWS**
"New York news to celebrate the release of the summer blockbuster Mayor Guilliani declared yesterday 'Godzilla Day'. Today everything is back to normal and it's once again 'rats and roaches day.'"
**Conan O'Brien on MEN & SEX**
"According to Men's Health magazine the average married man takes 14 minutes to have sex. Of course, that includes 12 minutes of begging."
**Conan O'Brien on YELTSIN**
"It was reported today that Russian President Boris Yeltsin is talking about running for a third term. His exact quote was: 'All right, one more then I've really got to go.'"
**Conan O'Brien on SPRINGER**
"According to one of the tabloids Jerry Springer recently said that Viagra has turned him into a quote 'sexual superman'. In fact earlier today Springer had a threesome with Lois Lane and her step-mom."
**Conan O'Brien on THE BRAWL**
"There was a huge brawl at last night's Yankee-Orioles game. Five players were ejected and seven were invited to appear on the Jerry Springer Show."
**Conan O'Brien on HACKERS**
"Yesterday a group of computer hackers told Congress that hackers were now capable of shutting down the internet, re-directing commercial flights and transferring millions of Wall Street dollars around the world. Which means the only thing hackers still aren't capable of doing is losing their virginity."
**Conan O'Brien on TOMMY LEE**
"Earlier today Rocker Tommy Lee was sentenced to six months in jail. To make sure he doesn't hang himself jailers removed his belt, his shoelaces and penis."
**Conan O'Brien on SPRINGER**
"TV stations around the country have decided not to air tomorrow's Jerry Springer show because it features people who have sex with animals. Instead they're going to air a re-run which features people who have had fist fights with animals."
**Conan O'Brien on VIAGRA**
"K-mart and Walmart are having a low price war over the impotency drug Viagra. In fact some people are so excited about the low prices they no longer need the drug."
**Conan O'Brien on INCONVENIENCE**
"For the past two days millions of beepers have been out of service because a satellite broke down. All across the nation this has raised havoc for doctors, especially ones that sell crack."
**Conan O'Brien on DR. QUINN**
"Yesterday CBS announced they're getting rid of the show 'Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman'. They didn't cancel the show, they just scheduled a cameo from Dr. Kevorkian Medicine Man."
**Conan O'Brien on WHITEHOUSE TAPES**
"It's been reported that there's been a security camera in the Oval Office for the last couple of years and now Kenneth Starr is trying to subpoena past video tapes. Apparently the Whitehouse is really nervous coz one of the tapes shows President Clinton having sex with Jerry Springer."
**Conan O'Brien on KENNETH STARR**
"Yesterday the man who recommended Monica Lewinsky for her Whitehouse internship was questioned by Kenneth Starr. Starr's first question was 'could you recommend an intern for me?'"
**Conan O'Brien on POWERBALL WINNERS**
"The couple that won the $195 million Powerball jackpot celebrated by ordering pizzas. I think the pizza place took advantage of them coz they said each additional topping costs $1 million."
********************************************
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
Here's an actual quote from Late Night with Conan O'Brien: "I will give you no hoochie coochie." What do you think of that?
Let's examine the facts here people. When was the last time you heard that precious quote uttered not by a salsa-covered Latina stick of TNT but by an Irish Catholic white guy from Harvard? (HINT: there is only one correct answer here-and it's "never")
See, that is the essence of Conan O'Brien: the show simply brings people together. It's precisely the reason I watch the show. Where else but "Love Boat" reruns will you ever see the vivacious and most decidedly not a shrinking violet, Charo? Where will you hear her name outside of TV LAND? Where else but Late Night with Conan O'Brien?
Which brings us to this week's FREAK OF THE WEEK, a man we all know from his stint on a show I never watched, "Vega$". I have no idea what Robert Urich did on that show exactly but I like to think it was a lot like the casino scene in "Austin Powers". It probably wasn't like that at all...but in a perfect world it would be.
Anyhoo, "Bob" (as he calls himself and since he will never read this, I will too) is fresh from a battle with cancer and a stint on one of The Greatest Shows in the History of Television (TM), "When Animals Attack". He looks fit and in good shape and has all of his hair back which, as many of you who have had family or friends who have battled the disease, is quite important. And he's got a new job as the captain on the latest revival of The Love Boat. Check your local listings.
The pressure in following the fourth-most popular captain (final standings: Kirk; Crunch; and Eruzione were 1-2-3) has to be difficult. Captain Stubing was not only an institution but also wore short pants. Bob made us well aware of Gavin MacLeod's spindly little girl legs. But why bring up the pubic hair? That's the real question, isn't it?
For those who didn't see it, Bob told us an interesting yet other-worldly anecdote about curly hair and where it sprouted on his body. He was not provoked in any way to do so. It seemed to be on his mind (literally). It was freaky but I guess the best thing to take away from that little sit-down is that he is doing well and can make jokes about his sickness, which he announced was in remission.
Now if only he can bring back "When Animals Attack". I can't believe they canceled that show. There's no way if given a choice that I would ever take The Love Boat over that kind of show. Then again, no one will ever ask me to host a show. I'll always be jockeying a keyboard for a large international concern of one sort or another...and watching tapes of that great show in my spare time.
********************************************
UPCOMING GUESTS - HIATUS May 25 - 29 1998
MONDAY, MAY 25 (repeat of 05/02/97):
Lisa Kudrow,
Erik Estrada,
Silverchair
TUESDAY, May 26 (repeat of 2/06/97):
Fran Dresher,
William Shatner,
Paul Lukas
WEDNESDAY, May 27 (repeat of 3/03/98):
John Malkovich
Craig T. Nelson
H. Keith Melton with spy memorabilia
THURSDAY, May 28 (repeat of 11/17/97):
Bill Murray
Ally Walker
Patti Smith
FRIDAY, May 29 (repeat of 09/26/97):
Elton John,
Tim Meadows
----------------------------------------------
HIATUS WEEK TWO - JUNE 1 - 5 1998:
MONDAY, June 1(repeat of 5/10/97):
Billy Crystal,
Chef Wolfgang Puck
TUESDAY, June 2 (repeat):
Mike Myers,
Jerry O'Connell,
Tonic
WEDNESDAY, June 3 (repeat):
Scott Wolf,
Kevin Brennan,
Flea
THURSDAY, June 4 (repeat):
Tim Robbins,
Lauren Holly,
Doris Wishman
FRIDAY, June 5 (repeat):
Sylvester Stallone,
Loretta Lynn,
Cool For August
********************************************
THIS TIME LAST YEAR....
This time last year Late Night was on hiatus and in repeats all week. The show on Monday 26th was a repeat of the February 11th 1997 show with guests actor Tom Arnold, comedian Tommy Davidson and musical group Big head Todd & The Monsters. Conan and Andy made the show a little more highbrow by critiquing some famous works of art. Conan and Andy took part in a pie eating contest, and the Wussy Wagon rolled into town to pick up another, well, Wussy.
On Tuesday 27th the show was a repeat of the February 14th 1997 show. Guests were actor/director Richard Harris, actress Vivica A. Fox and comedian Jake Johannsen. Suggestions were made as to what John Starks of the NY Knicks could do with his middle finger during the off-season. And a Valentine's Day Survival Guide.
The Wednesday show was a repeat of March 14th 1997. Guests were actress Sarah Jessica Parker who kept talking about "Target" where she shopped for cheap perfume, Anthony Clark, and William H. Macy. The desk-piece was Actual Items. The Ventriloquist Dummy Choir performs a special St. Patrick's Day song and Conan encourages everyone to send "Get Well Wiener" messages to the guy who plays the Gaseous Wiener because he has broken his leg.
On Thursday Fran Drescher, William Shatner and Paul Lukas appear in a repeat of February 6th 1997. Clutch Cargo Clinton reviews his State of The Union Address.
********************************************
WEEK IN REVIEW - May 18 - 22 1998
MONDAY, May 18 (Repeat of 2-20-98):
Billy Zane
Jason Priestley
Hepcat
Guests We'll Never Have Back
Madelaine Albright's Laser Eyes.
TUESDAY, May 19:
Gina Lee Nolin
Scott Thompson as "Buddy Cole",
Link Wray
Celebrities Incorporated
Conan sings a spontaneous song about a guy from the audience.
WEDNESDAY, May 20:
Fabio
Vikki Lewis
The Deftones
Actual Items
Mick Ferguson - the guy who is proud of his bullet proof legs.
THURSDAY, May 21:
Matthew Broderick,
Helen Martin,
Emeril Lagasse
Montage of Commencement Speeches
Promo Video for "Kim" the impressionist on the witness protection program.
FRIDAY, May 22:
Chevy Chase
Courtney Thorne-Smith
Andy Kindler
Goodbye To Sweeps
Joel Gets Depressed
********************************************
KEEP EUROPE CONETASTIC!!
I ask EVERYONE no matter which country they live in to please support Conan's fans in Europe and Asia by protesting the decision to dump his show when NBC's merger with National Geographic comes into effect on July 1.
EMAIL NBC:
Stuart.Goldfarb@nbc.com
talkback@cnbcsuper.nbc.com
latenight@nbc.com
You can also write to Stuart Goldfarb via snail mail at:
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY10112
USA
---------------------------------------------
SEND TO NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC TV:
(Mark your email "For The Attention Of Tim Kelly")
askngs@nationalgeographic.com
ngt@nationalgeographic.com
---------------------------------------------
Norwegian Conan fan, and "NEE-HA!" subscriber Jon Berg has set up a page on his website for people to sign a letter of complaint that will go to NBC. I'd like to ask everyone to please, please, please sign this letter and support us fans in Europe. It won't take up a minute of your time to do this, and who knows, it might just help us out. Thank you.
Go to: http://w1.2755.telia.com/~u275500384/conan.html
********************************************
END QUOTE
"If you don't think you can get rabies by banging a Dalmatian think again. In these uncertain times play it safe--lick yourself. Or better yet get yourself neutered--that's the best advice--FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!" - Triumph, the insult comic dog.
********************************************
FYI
HOW TO GET TICKETS FOR LATE NIGHT:
Write to:
NBC Tickets
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112
Or call:
(212) 664 - 3056/3057
------------------------------------------
Vote for your favorite trio, Conan, Andy and Max to be in a MILK ad.
Go to: http://www.whymilk.com
------------------------------------------
Want to contribute to "NEE-HA!"? Drop me an email and ask for the "MOST WANTED" list.
------------------------------------------
"NEE-HA!" #24 is here with thanks to Micah Honees, Robin Banks, Jelli, Dizza, Lesley Grossman.
------------------------------------------
Comments & questions to moi: LACOB@AOL.COM
Poll Response to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com