"NEE-HA!"
The Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #05/17-023
Hello everyone. Howsitgoing? I've had one of those bizarre kind of mixed up weeks -- the Conan side of my life anyway. WARNING: Pre-Conan-loss-self-involved-rant-fest approaching... On Monday I got an email from NBC press informing me that quote: "since the recent merger between NBC and National Geographic, your favourite show will no longer be available to viewers in this region. The new National Geographic Channel will launch on July 1 and from that point forward Conan will not air in Asia and Europe. Please let your Conan fans know of the news." --So nice of them to let me know. Consider yourself informed people. I was in such a major strop about that.
On Tuesday night after watching the show, I continued to watch NBC, ten minutes after Conan had finished NBC showed an advertisement for the show. Talk about getting me all excited for no reason. The voiceover went "NBC the story so far..." then they showed various humorous clips from Late Night with the words 'seriously funny' flashing up on the screen at one point. Then the voiceover again, ''To be continued...'' Do the words "yeah" and "right" mean anything to anyone? I've never been more tempted to chuck a TV out of a window in my entire life.
Now I've got some questions I need to go and ponder; Why has this put me in such a bad mood? Am I ever going to get over it? And why on earth are NBC Europe keeping their viewers in the dark about this? They still haven't put the news up on their website or their text pages as they promised two weeks ago. It's been almost FOUR weeks since we found out the news. It's time they made it available to everyone.
OK I'm off to prepare for a little segment that I like to call "Cheer Up Linzi Gallacher". Have a conetastic week everyone and let's get it awn!
Linzi
Desk Driving Editor
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CONTENTS:
LATE NIGHT POLL
POETRY SLAM by Stephanie Robinson
THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Robin Banks
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS - May 18 - 22 1998
THIS TIME LAST YEAR....
WEEK IN REVIEW
WEBSITE REVIEW by Quinn
KEEP EUROPE CONETASTIC!!
END QUOTE
FYI
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LATE NIGHT POLL
THIS WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: What is your all time favorite comedy skit?
Send your response before Thursday to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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LAST WEEK'S POLL QUESTION: What are your favorite, funniest or most memorable quotes from Conan, Andy or Max?
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From: Smith
Conan: "And if you're my secret Santa, that wasn't nice. I still can't sit down" (promo for that night's show shot when I went to the show)
"And if there's one thing this show's about, it's about making people happy... oh wait, it's not."
Andy: "White, Caucasian, Anglo. If these are the words you're using to annoy people like me you're doing it all wrong. Try honky or cracker, you'll be glad you did."
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From: K.C.
My fave line from Conan has to be from when he and Andy drove the famous ice cream truck. And he said one of the ice cream selections was, "Nutty Cheeks." Maybe that's not a whole "line," but I believe it is one of my faves...
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From: Robin Banks
I don't have an out and out favorite, but if I did, this line from Andy would be one of the front runners: "My stomach's been tucked so much, that, actually, my nipples are on my legs!"
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From: Louise
I liked this one from Conan: "Life gives you lemons -- you make some kind of fruity juice. I'm not good at sayings."
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From: Kelsey
Conan said this during a segment with comedian Jeff Garlin a few months ago. I thought it was one of the funniest things EVER!!! "It's over buddy -- once you show your crotch to America you end the segment!"
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From: Amanda
This was a line Andy did in the "Year 2000" once: "The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in real life."
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From: CayQelDrma
Max: "Sometimes a condom breaks... deal with it, missy!" And another one, not by Conan, but his one of his ancestors, who supported the British in the Boston Tea Party: "Back ye rabble! This is the king's tea!" which was said as he shot multiple women and children.
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From: Cookie
My favorite quote from Conan is when he said to an audience member "Don't hate baby just love."
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From: Alicia
The best quote ever was when Andy said: "For God's sake, just let the bear masturbate". . and I love it whenever Conan says "Let's get it onnnn!"
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From: Karen your goddess of odd
I'm going to give my top 3:
"Isn't it time for some really good chicken?" -- Andy
"For god's sake, let the bear masturbate!" -- Andy
And my favorite: "I think Baltimore's great." -- Conan
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From: Jessica
For Andy, mine has got to be "For God's sake, let the bear masturbate!" and for Conan it would be, "We're back, we're rusty, and just as bad as before!" (after a hiatus of shows.)
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"For God's sake, let the bear masturbate!" Is our clear winner for this Late Night Poll, even thought there was no competition. FIFTY-SIX other people voted this one as the BEST LINE EVER from Late Night With Conan O'Brien.
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POETRY SLAM by Stephanie Robinson
His cheeks all covered with freckles,
His hair as red as his blood.
His side kick with yellow hair,
Is his best bud.
He has a girlfriend, 29 years of age,
He is only 35.
Rumor has it there gonna get married,
How would we survive?
LNWCOB,
What a great show.
We fans have stuck with him through the worst,
But now he's on the go.
We stay up late every night,
Struggling to stay awake.
Some smart fans tape his show,
While others get yelled at for the grades they make.
We are the Conan fans,
Of this great planet we call earth.
We will never turn against him,
Until a grown man gives birth.
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THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Robin Banks
**Conan O'Brien on KENNETH STARR**
"The other day there were reports that a partially smoked joint was found in the ladies room of the building where Kenneth Starr's Grand Jury investigation is taking place. As a result today Starr subpoenaed three toilets and a sink."
**Conan O'Brien on THE POST OFFICE**
"The Post Office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently they're going from semi-automatics to Uzi's."
**Conan O'Brien on HANSON**
"Hanson has a new album coming out and it's made up of material recorded before they were famous. The name of the album is 'I Did Ca-ca.'"
**Conan O'Brien on JERRY SPRINGER**
"It's been reported that Jerry Springer had sex with one of his guests who had tried to set a world record by sleeping with 350 partners in one day. Apparently Springer was right after Geraldo and just before Sally Jessy."
**Conan O'Brien on THE BIG FIGHT**
"Forty-nine year old George Foreman announced he's scheduled a fight with fifty year old Larry Holmes. The winner will fight Morley Safer."
**Conan O'Brien on BARNEY**
"In Minnesota three men were arrested after being caught with 2-pounds of cocaine in a Barney doll. Afterwards the arresting officer said: 'Thank God we were able to get that Barney doll off the streets.'"
**Conan O'Brien on LOSS**
"The other day a New Jersey man lost part of his penis when he tried to have sex with a vacuum cleaner. Afterwards the man said: 'I don't know what I saw in the old bag anyway.'"
**Conan O'Brien on PUNISHMENT**
"As part of his punishment for committing a lewd act George Michael was sentenced to eighty hours community service. This could lead to more trouble though coz his community service is cleaning public restrooms."
**Conan O'Brien on CELEBS WITH HAIR**
"Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were spotted getting cosy in a hotel cocktail lounge. Nothing romantic happened. They just kept asking each other 'Does my hair look OK?'"
**Conan O'Brien on TRENDS**
"The new trend for high school students is to go to their prom without a date. Which, once again, proves I'm a man ahead of my time."
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"The Whitehouse says that while in Germany President Clinton got a sore back from doing stretching exercises in his hotel room. I'm not sure that's the whole story though, coz the President was quoted as saying: 'That's the last time I try to be my own Monica Lewinsky.'"
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
What you are about to read is shocking. Not 'shocking' in the "How terrible was the last episode of 'Seinfeld'?"-shocking but more along the lines of "What exactly was George Michael thinking about?"-shocking. It may scare some and it may offend some others. And if it does, I apologize beforehand-even though it really doesn't matter because only one person reading this knows what my real name is. But this is a problem-nay epidemic--that needs to be explored. I figure I am the man for the job.
As some of you are aware, "Saturday Night Live" is still on the air. Oh, sure, it used to suck hosewater and it got really really bad there a few years ago but I am pleased to inform you all that SNL is a fairly comedic show these days with comic overtones. I other words, it doesn't suck. One of the great things about the cast is that some of them are genuinely talented and funny; three of whom have recently appeared as guests on Late Night.
The first was Will Ferrell, probably best known to me as Mustafa the assassin who almost didn't die in "Austin Powers". On SNL he plays everyone from Janet Reno to a cheerleader. He's pretty funny and is obviously a gifted comedian. But why did he suck on Late Night? Can't tell you. Half the time I feel like I'm the only one laughing at some of the guests. He didn't look to be very at ease and if I recall, the crowd that night wasn't exactly helping. These kind of yawn appearances do little help or harm. If anything, they probably remind the viewers that it's pretty frickin' late.
Next come Chris Kattan and Molly Shannon, who are lumped together because I fear for them. Let me state first that in my opinion, Kattan and Shannon are probably the most talented people on SNL. You can tell they're good by the way they rise above the material in crappy skits. You just want to see them do something even when it is really clear that whatever dying horsepie they're in is pretty terrible; just as we did years back with Chris Farley, David Spade, and Chris Rock.
What's freaky-and by the way, Molly McButter would be this week's FREAK OF THE WEEK-is the childlike fiddling and contorting each brought to the Late Night set. Kattan, who's club-hopping Roxbury Guy is an absolute riot (for those not initiated, it's as important as a Triumph appearance), but he totally weirded me out by the way he moved and fidgeted like a six year old. I was wondering if all of those drug stories you hear about previous cast members has seeped over to the new class. He was like Spider Man on crack who was hooked on the Teletubbies. His physical skill as a comic cannot be in question; I guess it was that I did think it was all an act when it's clear it isn't. Hell, maybe being called CHIS by Frank Sinatra can make a guy a little loco.
Molly Shannon was another. She reminded me of my twelve-year-old cousin...when she was four. Molly is soooooo hardcore as a comedienne but the way she fidgeted in her chair and changed positions constantly looked like the kid on the airplane who always sits in front of you and spends the entire five hour flight peeking over his chair, watching you. Conan proved again to be a true master. He just went with it. And do you know why? Because it was interesting and made for a great interview.
I guess the bottom line is children, that there is no Santa Claus. And that you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom. And also that sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much that I have to close my eyes and cry. (Man, if that line right there doesn't prove that the 70s were cheesy I don't know what will.) In actuality, what this entire column proves is that "SNL" is a very creative show with some very creatively strange people. We shouldn't dismiss it so easily as those who say, "It will never be as good as it was with the original cast." Can't believe what those people say anyway. They're all watching Leno.
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UPCOMING GUESTS - May 18 - 22 1998
The list of upcoming guests is a provisional list, subject to change:
MONDAY, May 18 (Repeat of 2-20-98):
Billy Zane
Jason Priestley
Hepcat
TUESDAY, May 19:
Scott Thompson,
Link Wray
WEDNESDAY, May 20:
Fabio
Vikki Lewis
The Deftones
THURSDAY, May 21:
Matthew Broderick,
Emeril Lagasse
FRIDAY, May 22:
Chevy Chase
Courtney Thorne-Smith
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THIS TIME LAST YEAR....
This time last year on Monday May 19th guests were 'Mad About You' actress Helen Hunt, Dick Clark and Late Night writer/comedian Brian Kiley. Andy went out to the Alternative Health Expo and someone took a photo of his aura. They showed the disappointing scenes from the NBC Mini-Series 'The Odyssey'. And Joel Goddard was depressed again. Luckily Andy notices these things.
On Tuesday 20th, guests were Garry Marshall, Christa Miller, Mark Eitzel and Peter Buck. Conan offered some ideas as to what NY Knicks player John Starks could do with his middle finger during the off-season. Songs that were written appropriate to guests were played and PimpBot 5000 put in an appearance.
On Wednesday 21st Conan made a few more helpful suggestions to John Starks for what he could do with his middle finger during the off-season. The desk-piece was If They Mated and Conan sang a lullaby to all the babies who were up late and watching. Guests were comedian Kevin Nealon, actor Tim Russert and Details magazine sex columnist Anka Radakovich who made a few suggestions to Conan and Kevin.
On the Thursday May 22 show comedian/actor Louie Anderson and Steve Irwin were guests. Even more suggestions for what Knicks player John Starks could do with his finger during the off-season. Clutch-Cargo was about celebrities Graduation Commencement Addresses. The Ventriloquist Dummy Choir was invited to appear on a Hungarian talk show. They went to Budapest, Hungary taking a cardboard cut out of Yasmine Bleeth with them and make a tape of their trip. May sweeps are in full swing and Conan shows a montage of potential things that will happen when Tori Spelling's character in Beverly Hills 90210 finally loses her virginity.
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NOTE: Friday May 23rd last year was when Max Weinberg Seven member Jimmy Vivino performed on Late Night with his band The Rekooperators. We've (the Late Night Addicts and The Sons & Daughters of Paramus Social Club) been waiting (patiently) for a repeat performance. Can we have one? Please? Pretty please? Oh come on... we want Jimmy!! We Want JIMMY!!
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WEEK IN REVIEW
MONDAY, May 11 (repeat of 2-19-98):
Rob Schneider promotes "hemp"
Tim Russert
"Nobody's Watching" so they all confess things.
Public Service Announcements
TUESDAY, May 12:
Fran Drescher,
Joe Rogan,
Ray Davies
Celebrity Resumes
Kim - the impressionist on the witness protection program
WEDNESDAY, May 13:
Halle Berry,
Robert Urich,
Todd Snider
In The Year 2000...
Mick Ferguson - the bullet-proof legs guy
THURSDAY, May 14:
Rosie O'Donnell
Patrick Warburton,
Dave Attell
Scenes from the Seinfeld finale
Pictures from the trip to the park
FRIDAY, May 15:
Barbra Walters
Maria Patillo
Betty Faber 'the bug lady'
Conan goes back to a hotel room he once stayed in to relive some old memories.
Public Service Announcements from Conan, Andy, Max and Triumph.
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WEBSITE REVIEW by Quinn
Anyone who is a regular visitor to AFCOB quickly becomes aquatinted with the old-timers, the Late Night aficionados who have been there since Conan really was in danger of being pulled off the air at any time. These folks command a certain amount of respect because, well, they probably know the show a lot better than you do. But there is one who stands out above the rest, the official Patron Saint of the newsgroup, Al Bell. I could go on about how wonderful Al is, but I think I'll just review her site instead.
The first item on the page is a good resource for even non-Conan fans (yes, they do exist, believe it or not!) It's a guide to NYC compiled for one of the Cone-Con trips. It offers practical advice on where to stay, what to do, and what it's gonna cost you. From there, you can go to the dizzingly extensive Late Night bibliography. I counted (because I have nothing better to do), and on my browser this baby is almost fifty full-page scrolls. You can look up everything from things Conan's written to things that have been written about Conan to info on people somehow related to the show to articles on the set designer, for crying out loud. If you ever need to know exactly which papers have written about William Preston (Carl "Oldy" Olsen) and when, this is the place to be. Let me emphasize that this is not the full text of these articles. It's a resource explaining where articles have been written. You have to obtain them yourself.
The centerpiece of the page, the one Al advertises in her sig file, is her fifteen-chapter (so far) fan-fic, "Terror at 30 Rock, or The Peacock Had Fangs." The alternative title refers to Warren Littlefield. You see, he's a vampire. And Conan is partially a very feline alien, and--oh, it makes sense in context, really. I don't want to give too much away. Just read it. It inspired me to write my own.
There is the obligatory links section and then a few items of "Conan O'Brien Miscellany," mainly interviews. This part of the page is lean and selective, and I like that. I'd rather see a few links to the truly good pages than huge lists of links that just direct you to pages of other links that just send you back where you came from.
Al's page is simply designed, which will be nice for people with slow modems who are tired of being bogged down my graphic-heavy sites. Each of the individual components would be enough for one page on their own, but together they're certainly worth visiting.
Check it out at: http://users.vnet.net/allbell/belljar.html
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KEEP EUROPE CONETASTIC!!
I ask EVERYONE no matter which country they live in to please support Conan's fans in Europe and Asia by protesting the decision to dump his show when NBC's merger with National Geographic comes into effect on July 1.
EMAIL NBC:
Stuart.Goldfarb@nbc.com
talkback@nbc.com
talkback@cnbcsuper.nbc.com
You can also write to Stuart Goldfarb via snail mail at:
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY10112
USA
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SEND TO NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC TV:
(Mark your email "For The Attention Of Tim Kelly")
ngt@nationalgeographic.com
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END QUOTE
"That freaking gorilla's using my resume!" - Andy Richter
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FYI
HOW TO GET TICKETS FOR LATE NIGHT:
Write to:
NBC Tickets
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112
Or call:
(212) 664 - 3056/3057
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Vote for your favorite trio, Conan, Andy and Max to be in a MILK ad.
Go to: http://www.whymilk.com
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"NEE-HA!" #23 is here with thanks to Micah Honees, Robin Banks, Stephanie Robinson and Quinn.
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Comments & questions to moi: LACOB@AOL.COM
Poll Response to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com