"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #12/07-002
Welcome to the second issue of "I SAID NEE-HA!" I want to welcome all our new subscribers and say it really bakes my potato to know that so many Europeans are into Late Night. So not much has changed from last week, despite the repeats I'm still suffering from "Scopycadimleshypheofamorehoermaenkardiakyanosophthalmose-rythrostricheucorusychloros," don't laugh, it's a real live medical condition.
Big thanks go to Germany this week and to Sabine Sorg the resident 'Kartoffelkopf!' fan over there. That's Sorg! Not Sarg or Zwerg! As if! And definitely NOT Sabine "die Zwerg" Sorg! "Let's get ready to Ruuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbble!" Sorry - I promise not to do that again. Sabine spent ages (nearly all weekend) transcribing and translating Conan's appearance on Die Harald Schmidt Show for us.
Starting next week we have a new feature DEAR DIZZA. If you've got any (LNwCOB related) problems Dizza can help you to solve them. Example:
Dear Dizza,
Next month I'm about to marry the man of my dreams. I've known him for so long and we're very much in love. There is only one problem: He doesn't like Late Night. Sometimes he'll watch Conan with me if I beg him, but he says he hates it. What should I do?
Sincerely, Concerned in Calamazoo
Dear Concerned,
DUMP HIM! DUMP HIM NOW! How can a meaningful and long lasting relationship be built on this shaky foundation of seperate comedy values!?! It just can't be done. And don't be fooled into thinking, as many do, that you can change him after you're married. Wake up before it's too late. It seems to me he has had plenty of time to learn to accept Late Night into his life, but it's obvious it is of little importance to him. Can you live with that? Or are you willing to give up the comedy of Conan O'Brien that your life now revolves around? Don't ignore this important issue. The choice is up to you! Dizza has the experience and the answers, so if you've got a dilemma send it in with the subject heading "DEAR DIZZA".
I'm also looking for people to tell me about their favorite show, one that really lights your ring, as a feature for the newsletter. Examples: The 3rd Anniversary show, the show they had to do outside because there was a fire at 30 Rock, or the show that had kids in the audience. Or if writing about a favorite show is not your 'bag', how about writing about your fantasy show, that would include your favorite guests and comedy skits. My fantasy might include, Norm MacDonald, Scott Thompson and the Prodigy, tell us yours. Reply with the header Fantasy or Favorite.
We're in two parts this week as it turns out there's too much content to send in one mail through AOL. Let's get it on!
LA CoB
Editor
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CONTENTS PART 1
FAN FICTION - THE MAXWELL CONSPIRIACY by LA Gallacher
INTERACTIVE QUESTION OF THE WEEK - results from last weeks poll
ANDY ON TOUR: How to be a TV Sidekick and Other Useless Crap
LA's LATE NIGHT SONGBOOK - The Conan Girl Song
MONOLOGUE JOKES: QUOTING CONAN
TOP TENS FOR LATE NIGHT ADDICTS
CONTENTS PART 2
TRANSCRIPTION OF CONAN ON DIE HARALD SCHMITDT SHOW
UPCOMING GUESTS DECEMBER 8 - 12 1997
WEBSITE REVIEWS - Chris Sutton Checks Them Out
WEEK IN REVIEW - DECEMBER 1 - 5 1997
END QUOTE
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FAN FICTION - THE MAXWELL CONSPIRIACY by LA Gallacher
I've been writing this for ages and I was sort of inspired by Al Bell's story so I had to go and write my own, it's almost finished and I'll let you read it chapter by chapter. Feedback is appreciated.
Chapter 1 - contact
They denied everything. They always do. They even denied the truth to themselves. Answering questions with questions and evading the facts. It is said that they knew they were being watched, but still they continued with their covert experiments. Sometimes I detested working for them, but they backed me into a corner, now I have no choice but to do their bidding. No one knew why they took Max or even if it were real. Conan had a few ideas, but none that he wanted to share with the media. They wouldn't laugh. "Abducted by Aliens", the headlines had screamed. Another has suggested that he had been murdered for his insurance policy, which was in excess of $12,000,000. They were wrong. Farther from the truth than any of them would chose to believe. They had been hounding Conan for answers, he had none, of course, he knew nothing, but they, the media bloodhounds weren't so sure. He knew they blamed him for Max's disappearance.
This was no laughing matter, with Max missing and Andy on vacation with his wife, Conan was alone in his quest to find the truth. He walked into studio 6A trying to feel upbeat and cheerful, the way he always did. The place was totally deserted. There was an eerie silence in place of the usual appreciative applause of the crowd and the excited music of the band. He walked over to the band's set up and sat down at the drums. He leaned against the sidewall and picked up Max's drumsticks.
"Where are you Max?" he said aloud without realising. Max's voice came to him in his head begging for help accompanied by a gross image of an alien experiment on a helpless and terrified Maxwell. I'll never make Max look like a pervert on national T.V. again he vowed to himself.
It all started after they finished for their summer vacation. Conan was in the parking lot saying his goodbyes to Max when suddenly there was a bright flash of light. When it had faded Max had disappeared. His car was still in it's space in the NBC parking lot, but Max had gone, he was nowhere to be seen. Conan was stunned. He couldn't believe it.
A week passed and no one was any closer to the truth and the media had stopped caring, moving on to another scandal involving a senator and a whore in a hotel room. Conan had never stopped caring, his every minute was consumed by thoughts of Maxwell and his whereabouts. Unknown to Conan, he wasn't totally alone in his search for Max. I was there too.
A letter postmarked London arrived at Conan's apartment in a brown envelope with the address in printed handwriting. Curious he opened it first before his other mail. Inside was a piece of paper lettered with newspaper cut outs. It read:
"NEVER DISPAIR, I WON'T LET YOU DOWN, FIND YOUR FRIEND IN LONDON TOWN. TOO LONG DON'T WAIT, YOU MAY BE LATE AND THEN HE WILL BE GONE. "
Pimp-Bot 5000 walked across Times Square looking for his bitches and ho's. They didn't seem to be any of his around. He reasoned that they must be out working for him. Working the streets to get him big bucks for early retirement and twice yearly vacations in Hawaii. So with no ho's in sight (unusually) he decided that it was time for a spot of lunch. His large metal frame creaked and made scratchy noises against the narrow entrance to O'Brien's Potato Hut. This place was emptier than Times Square. Pimp-Bot sat down in a booth next to a window, so that he could watch out for his bitches. The slender young female waitress walked over to him and smoothing out a crease in her brown uniform she asked him for his order. He perused the menu and decided on a pint of Guinness and he asked the waitress to get the proprietor of the eating establishment.
Conan O'Brien stepped out of the kitchen where he was cooking his own lunch - a meat and potato pie thing. "Hey Pimp-Bot, how are you?" he said in a mock Irish accent. Pimp-Bot stood up and took out his ever present flick knife and waved it in Conan's face. "You owe me Roosterhead." Still speaking in an Irish accent Conan replied: "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything."
"You owe me da money for da computer I gave to you my man. It's like me, Intel chips in da cranium and an @ss made of potanium. Got a built in CD-Rom that keeps me connected to BITCH DOT COM!"
"Heard that one already, you big tin moron! No Pimp Bot! I don't owe you anything," he retorted, "Just eat your potatoes and get the hell out of my Hut! And you owe me $4.95 for that tasty potato snack!"
I walked in to the Potato Hut as the hulk like frame of Pimp Bot squeezed out past me. Then I saw him for the first time. I recognised him immediately from the description my supervisor had given me. It was accurate down to the last detail. He was around 6'4", 180-195-pounds, attractive in a clean, polite, way. He was freckled, especially over his arms. His face was, pale though, his skin was almost translucent and thin. I searched that face over and over, my eyes burning into that pale flesh I was mesmerised. He noticed me staring, quickly I turned away, ashamed. My face was burning up, faster than he would without sun-block I thought to myself. He came towards me, his tall, lean figure, huge compared to mine. He leaned over my table to take away the remains of the previous occupant's lunch and I caught his eye. I looked straight into those deep blues for what seemed like eternity, I felt an ocean color scheme wash over me like European rain. I ached for him to rain over me, to wash me in his love. I had this dangerous, excited feeling running through my veins and I found myself longing to reach out and touch him. Touch his arms to stroke the back of his neck. I wanted to tell him everything would be alright. His friend would come back to him soon, but how could I? I got up and left. I couldn't speak to him in this semi-aroused state.
My assignment was to quiz him about the disappearance of Max Weinberg without arousing suspicion. He must never find out who I work for, that would be disastrous for both missions. I couldn't allow myself to fall for him either, then we'd both be dead. I got a cab straight to J.F.K. airport and took the first available flight back to London, hoping that he'd read my letter and that he would follow soon.
Chapter 2. - 'The London Connection' will be here soon
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INTERACTIVE QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Well we got a pretty good response to the first IQOTW. The PimpBot is feeling fine and cherry wine because he won with 55% of all the votes. Comments included: "I like Triumph, but Pimp Bot is just funnier." "Triumph's girlfriend is a dog!" - Thanks for that one. "Pimp Bot is funnier - for me too poop on!"
This week the winner of the first week, Pimp Bot 5000 versus the obsessed sister of Andy Richter, she's the girl who will pummel you like hail stones on a Honda or give you a six string suppository, STACY.
PimpBot 5000 versus Stacy
Vote for your favorite character by putting their name in the subject heading and Emailing (before Friday 12 December) to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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ANDY ON TOUR: How to be a TV Sidekick and Other Useless Crap
Andy Richter gave his speech, "How to be a TV Sidekick and Other Useless Crap," at Oklahoma University in Norman, Oklahoma on November 10. My friend Angee was there and told me all the stuff that I am going to tell you.
Andy told everyone about his life, like where he grew up in Illinois and what his parents did for a living. Do the research yourself. He talked about how he went to college where he studied journalism for four years, but never graduated. He studied improvisation in Chicago. While studying, he struggled to become an actor. He moved to New York and did "The Real Live Brady Bunch", a play based on the 70's TV show. That was where he met his actress wife Sarah Thyre who was living in New York at the time, and he said that he was really happy that he had moved there.
His first national television appearance was as a victim of John Wayne Gacy on Hard Copy, his fans got a glimpse of this clip recently on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He then got the small part in the cult movie, "Cabin Boy" where he played a lowly ships mate who drowns.
Andy knew someone who had been hired as a writer for Conan's Late Night and they asked Andy if he wanted to be interviewed by Conan to be a writer. He got the writer job and shortly before the show aired, they decided to try the sidekick thing. The rest is history.
She also told me that the best thing that ever happened to Tommy Blacha was the broken leg. It gave them a good excuse never to do the Gaseous Weiner again. Andy revealed that Tommy hated doing the character and it was something they did just to fill time.
After the ninety-minute show was over, Andy signed autographs for a bit. Angee said that he was mobbed by fans, and she saw people getting pictures and stuff with him.
- By Jess
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LA's LATE NIGHT SONG BOOK
The songs that were originally written about Conan, but were changed to make them more commercial.
BARBIE GIRL by Aqua has been a number one hit in over ten countries. Yes, it's patronising and annoying, but did you know it was originally known as "CONAN GIRL?" Thanks to my expert researchers I can proudly present the original words. It's a little blurry in places, but you can sing along with these words.
Hi ya Conan Girl
Hi Pimp Bot!
You wanna go for a ride?
Sure Pimp Bot!
Jump in!
I'm a Conan girl, in a Conan world.
My name is Stacy, it ain't Tracy.
I love your orange hair, I'd undress you anywhere,
If it's after midnight, I'll be watching Late Night!
I'm a Conan girl, in a Late Night world.
Life in sun-block, what makes you talk?
You can turn me out, I'll put it all about,
Innovation - Pimp Bot is your creation!
I'm a red Conan girl in an NBC world.
Tell me jokes, make me laugh! You're so funny!
You're my bitch, you're my ho' watch me turning you out!
Feeling fine, cherry wine, you're my honey!
You're so pale, you don't tan, and you say, "Let's get it on!" Oooh!
You can rock my world coz I'm your Conan girl.
Life in freckles, dodging heckles.
I'm a Conan girl, I'm in a Conan world.
Imagination - there wouldn't be no hesitation.
C'mon Conan let's get Andy! Ah-ah-ah! Yeah!
C'mon Stacy, let's get racy! Oooh!
C'mon Andy, let's get Conan! Ah-ah-ah! Yeah!
C'mon Pimp Bot turn someone out! Oooh!
You're so hot, my Pimp Bot, turn me out if you please.
I can show you my love, if you'd just fall for me!
Turned you out, Conan's friend, used the ray and you waited
While the bear, over there, masturbated!
You're so cool, you're so tall, you've got cu-shions on your wall!
You're way cool, you're da bomb! Wish you'd say, "Let's get it on!"
C'mon Conan let's get Andy! Ah-ah-ah! Yeah!
C'mon Stacy, let's get racy! Oooh!
C'mon Andy, let's get Conan! Ah-ah-ah! Yeah!
C'mon Pimp Bot turn someone out! Oooh!
I'm a Conan girl, in a Conan world.
My name is Stacy, it ain't Tracy.
I love your orange hair, I'd undress you anywhere,
If it's after midnight, I'll be watching Late Night!
I'm a Conan girl, in a Late Night world.
Life in sun block, what makes you talk?
You can turn me out, I'll put it all about,
Innovation - Pimp Bot is your creation!
Oh I'm having so much fun!
Well Cone girl, we're just getting started!
I love you Conan!
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MONOLOGUE JOKES: QUOTING CONAN by Roost-A-Hed
Conan O'Brien On SCIENCE
"Scientists have found a way to keep middle aged female mice from going through the menopause. Now they're working on a way to keep middle aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars. Little ones."
Conan O'Brien On BILL GATES
"A plumber was unclogging a stopped-up toilet and he found $70,000 in cash. Actually, it makes sense because the last person to use the toilet was Bill Gates."
Conan O'Brien On MARV ALBERT
"Hugh Downs walked off the set of 20/20 because Barbara Walters was interviewing Marv Albert. Afterwards Albert said, 'It's too bad, the three of us could've had a lot of fun.'"
Conan O'Brien On PAULA JONES
"Paula Jones testified against President Clinton for eight hours. This is historic, it's the first time someone's testifies against a sitting president and it's the first time a state employee has put in an eight hour day."
Conan O'Brien on BOB DYLAN
"This weekend in Italy, Bob Dylan sang for Pope John Paul II and had a private audience with him. The Pope said, 'I speak eight different languages and I still have no idea what he was saying."
Conan O'Brien on CONDOMS
"A new study shows that giving out condoms in schools does not increase sexual activity among teens. It does, however, increas the number of water balloon fights drastically."
Conan O'Brien on THE SPICE GIRLS
"The Spice Girls have moved to France to save $50 million in British taxes. Ironically, though, the French government just passed a $50 million dollar 'crappy music tax."
Conan O'Brien on ELLEN DEGENERES
"Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche are talking about having a baby. They're worried, though, because if the baby is anything like Ellen it's going to take much longer than nine months to come out."
Conan O'Brien on ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
"It was reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger may join the Broadway production of 'The King and I.' No word yet on whether Schwarzenegger would play the king or the deadly cyborg sent back in time to kill the king."
Conan O'Brien on JERRY SEINFELD
"A recent study of women shows that the most common sign of ageing is fine lines around the eyes. The second most common sign of ageing is not getting asked out by Jerry Seinfeld."
Conan O'Brien on CLINTON
"Earlier today, President Clinton had his annual physical at Bethesda Naval Hospital. The President said he looks forward to his physical because it's the one day he can drop his pants without getting sued."
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TOP TENS FOR LATE NIGHT ADDICTS
I just want to point out that Top Tens is nothing to do with the Official List of Late Night Addiction Symptoms as seen on Damone's website and on the AOL message board.
This week Jerry Burns from Dublin, Ireland writes about what she does that makes her fannish behaviour complete. Send your top ten Stacyisms to me with LISTS or STACYISMS in your subject heading.
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TRANSCRIPTION OF CONAN ON DIE HARALD SCHMITDT SHOW
Conan O'Brien at Die Harald Schmidt Show Oct.21 1997. A transcript put together as accurately as she could - by Sabine Sorg.
Harald put the questions in German and Conan had them translated via an earphone.
Conan's answers were not translated as subtitles but as a voice over in German. So to do this transcript, I had to move the tape back and forth several times for every sentence to understand Conan's words. So, if sometimes you think: "Conan doesn't talk like that!" Blame it on me, not on Conan. Because Conan sometimes reacted to things Harald said in German, and because the translator messed up at least one time, I wrote down the questions in German and did a short translation in brackets.
Conan was introduced as "Late Night Superstar Talk Show Host"
HS: Herzlich Willkommen!
(Welcome to Cologne!)
COB: Thank you very much... it's great here. I love it here ...terrific!
HS: Das erste Mal in Deutschland? Das erste Mal in Köln?
(Is this the first time you have visited Colone, Germany?")
COB: My first time in Germany... I've never been here before. I came here late
last night and it's a great city. I love it that they refill the beer before you
drink it down. They don't do that in any other place in the world, just here.
HS: Ja, das ist Kölsch: "Dat künnt bei uns vom Härze!
(Local slang... It comes from the heart!)
COB: It's great!
HS: Normalerweise wenn amerikanische Gäste zu uns kommen, sehen sie Europa in zweieinhalb Tagen: Heidelberg, Wien, Budapest, ein bisschen St. Pauli, und wieder zurück nach Amerika.
(Usually our American guests see Europe in two and a half days: Heidelberg, Vienna, Budapest, a little bit of St. Pauli (part of Hamburg, famous for his sex clubs and prostitutes) and then back to the States).
COB: Yes.
HS: Haben Sie länger Zeit, oder müssen sie auch gleich wieder nach drüben?
(Will you spend more time here, or do you have to go back at once?)
COB: No no, I'm gonna do the "American Tour". Which means, I drive by at a
McDonald's - I have been at a McDonald's - go to a movie theatre, watch an
American film, then I go back to America and say: "I love Germany!" That's how it happens!"
HS: Für mich hier in Deutschland ist es sehr sehr hart. Late Night - ein
knüppelhartes Geschäft, es reicht zum Leben, aber man hat kaum Freizeit, (Conan nods his head), man sieht nichts von der Welt. Ich kann nur neidvoll nach New York, nach Manhattan schauen. Wie ist es, wenn man in Manhattan eine tägliche Late Night Show moderiert? In diesem Schmelztiegel, mit diesen tollen Frauen, diese Milliarden of Dollars, die da gezahlt werden.... was ist das für ein Gefühl, wenn man dann hierher aufs Land kommt?
(This is basically an (ironic) rant about how bad the life of German talkshow hosts is. No free time, no money, no women. He the asks Conan to compare their lives.)
COB: " I... No, it's great here... but when we do a late night show, we never get
outside. (To Harald:) You're a good example. Nobody ever sees you walking on the street...
(Harald shakes his head in mocked despair) You have no life. You're trapped inside, here in this studio - filled with self-loathing - and ah... there's ah... You're trapped! You're a trapped man. And the only people you see are the people in the audience every night. That's the love you get! Right.? Now! Same thing in New York, there's no difference. You do your show... I'm on very late at night... and I get to see very few beautiful women - except the ones that come to the show.
HS: Das sind ja diese Supermodels..."
COB: Supermodels? We're speaking the universal language here!
HS: Ja! Normalerweise heisst es bei uns "Mannequin" oder "Probierfräulein" ...
The German word is "Probierfräulein"! (He translated that himself... "Probierfräulein" is a very old and uncommon term - I didn't even know it. It got big laughs though, because it sounds so stupid.)
COB: Yeah!
HS: Sie wohnen sogar im selben Haus wie Linda Evangelista und Cindy Crawford?"
(You live in the same appartment as L. Evangelista and C. Crawford?)
COB: Yes, I moved into an apartment building in New York City where Linda Evangelista and Cindy Crawford are living. I live on the same floor as Cindy Crawford (Harald gasps). And ah.... it was very exciting for me. I kept waiting to meet Cindy Crawford. She lives right down the hall. And I can see her door every night when I come home and I stare at the door. I keep looking. And I keep thinking: maybe, maybe Cindy will come out. And the I'm like that: ... (makes a funny face, maybe best described as "like a little puppy")
And I was waiting to meet her and then one day, I came out of my apartment building ... I was rushing to get to work, Cindy Crawford - looking beautiful - stepped into the elevator. And ... this was my big chance! I had just woken up! And you know, when you wake up - you're just not ready yet. You can't think. I came out of deep sleep. I saw Cindy Crawford and I tried to speak to her. And I said: (mumbling) "I'm Conan O'Brien of the show... nice to see you at the sh... (stuttering) show... I do the the show... Cindy..." and she was getting like ... (leans back in the chair and puts his hands up for protection) ... I hadn't brushed my teeth!!! ...I was running late... she was horrified, starring at me the whole time... the minute the elevator doors opened, she went away ... walked quickly away. That was my one chance with Cindy Crawford and nothing happened at all.
HS: War das in der Zeit, als sie noch mit Richard Gere verheiratet war?
(She was still married to Richard Gere at that time?)
COB: Yes, she was still with Richard Gere at the time. I thought - I'm better than Richard Gere. I'm handsomer, I have done some big movies in my day - they just weren't released, but... and I thought she should be with me!
(And now comes the point, where the translator screwed up)
HS: Und der grösste Unterschied zwischen ihnen und Richard Gere ist...
(And the biggest difference between You and Richard Gere is...)
COB: Yeah, exactly - no one knows we're tall. No one knows YOU're tall!
(the Translator must have told him "and you are bigger than Richard Gere!" or something)
HS: Nein, das täuscht im Fernsehen unglaublich!
( Aaah, I don't know how to translate that... let's say "Things seem to be smaller on TV!")
COB: Yeah, in person ... People think you're average tall when in person you are like nine feet tall! (Harald is about as tall as Conan.)
HS: Ja! ...äh... NEIN!
COB: He's... ah... he's.... ah.... When he first comes out every night on the show, the audience doesn't react right away. Because they are afraid of you.
You're so tall - it's scaring them!
HS: Moment - Stop it - the audience doesn't react? War das Ihr Eindruck?"
("That was your impression?")
COB: There's just a moments hesitation when you come out - just a moment...
HS: That's it!
COB: ...and the non-stop laughter for an hour.
HS: Ja, so war das heute, oder? (Louder:) So war das doch heute!!!"
(Kind of menacing: "It happened like this, right?" The well trained audience applauded obediently...)
They then showed some clips from LNwCOB, including Conan turning into the
Incredible Hulk, Conan wrestling a plastic alligator, Conan and Andy dressed up
as stage hands at a Michael Jackson concert accidentally opening a valve so
Jackson gets "cooked" by "hot steam", and Conan getting kicked in the head by
Jackie Chan.
(While both are waiting for the applause to die down)
COB: That's fun!
HS: Jackie Chan?
COB: Yes, Jackie Chan...
HS: Sie haben auch eine Band?
(You too have music on the show?" "Band" meaning "group"...)
COB: Pardon me?" (Again, the translator...)
HS: Sie haben eine Band in der Show?
(you have a band on the show?)
COB: A band??? (waits for the translation)
Yeah, we have music on the show.
HS: Der grossartige Max Weinberg, der sogar früher schon für Bruce Springsteen
gespielt hat.
(I think you can figure that one out yourself...)
COB: Yeah, he used to play with Bruce Springsteen .... now he's with me... so
his career is down the toilet. (I'm not sure he really said that.)
HS: Nein!!! .... Wie ist das, wenn Sie zu Ihren Eltern kommen. Ihre Eltern leben
in Boston?
(Your parents live in Boston?)
COB: That's right.
HS: Und sie sind Ärzte. Und Sie selber sind ja On Top ausgebildet: Harvard, Magna Cum Laude abgeschlossen, ein richtiger Intellektueller. Wie reagieren Ihre Eltern auf das, was Sie unter der Woche machen?
(...Harvard... blablabla... You're a real intellectual. What do your parents think about your work?)
COB: They are just very upset. They think that I should do something to help the world. Which I am not. They ... actually they like my work. I was a writer for a while on The Simpsons... for several years... They've always liked the work I do. And they're happy that I make money, so... they're proud."
HS: Das würde mich mal interessieren: money. Man liesst hier in Deutschland so wahnsinnige Zahlen. Wieviel verdient man als Late Night Moderator in Amerika?"
(Now, money and diseases are Haralds favorite topics, so he asks Conan how much money a talk show host in America makes.)
COB: How much do I make? In comparison to everybody... I make a good living. I'm very happy with the living I make. But compared to David Letterman, Jay Leno - the big hosts - I make practically nothing. I pretty much work for free ... compared to those people.
HS: Ich kann das nachvollziehen...
(I feel the same...)
(Big laughs.... Everybody in the audience knows that Schmidt earns the equivalent of a small car every night).
COB: But I'm happy! I'm not in it for the money!
HS: No, absolutely not!
COB: I do not do this for the money. I do this for the spiritual fulfilment.
HS: Nach diesen Worten habe ich immer gesucht, und endlich ist es mal formuliert. Was machen sie jetzt? Stürzen sie sich noch ins köllner Nachtleben, wenn die Show vorbei ist?
(I never knew how to put this. Now at least somebody found the words. What are you doing now after the show? Will you go out and enjoy the night life of Cologne?)
COB: I was told that you were gonna take me out. I heard that I was going out for a drink with you.
HS: (laughs) O.K.!
COB: (grinning) You don't seem... That wasn't very convincing!
HS: Doch!
(Sure!)
COB: You went "o. k."! "O.k." means "no"! Doesn't it?
HS: NEIN!!!
COB: Yes, "o.k." means "no"!
HS: (reaching out to shake his hand)
Thank you very much! Good luck! Conan O'Brien, meine Damen und Herren!
COB: On NBC Europe!
HS: Auf NBC Europe, jede Nacht um 23:00 Uhr!
(On NBCurope, weeknights at 11PM)
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UPCOMING GUESTS DECEMBER 8 - 12 1997
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC website and from Phunnyontv's post on the AOL messageboard:
http://www.nbc.com/entertainment/shows/conan/guests.html
MONDAY:
Jean Claude Van Damme, Margaret Colin music from Jonny Lang
TUESDAY:
Courteney Cox, Louis Anderson and music from Matthew Ryan
WEDNESDAY:
Donald Trump, Marc Maron and Dog biscuit experts Dan Dye and Mark Beckloff of the "3 Dog Bakery"
THURSDAY:
Helen Hunt and Carmen Electra
FRIDAY:
Imani Coppola
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WEBSITE REVIEWS - Chris Sutton Checks It Out
The NBC Europe Conan Pages. Ok, I know I'm not an expert at LNwCOB, but NBC is, right? Well... from what I see here, they don't really give a Krunk! about Conan. The site is MINIMUM for a guy of great stature like Conan. This page has nothing about the actual show, and how funny it is.... Just who Conan is and who's on the show a week in advance. This site is a major bore, and you can look at it if you WANT to, but it will only tell you how he got the show, and about his previous job with "SNL".
There was one good thing, there is a monologue joke at the beginning of the page! ...........
Check it out at:
http://www.nbceurope.com/Programming/Programmes/latenight/latenight.html
(that did not work for me, so if it doesn't go for you ether, go to "http://www.nbceurope.com/" then click progaming, Entertainment, then, of course, LNwCOB)
I Give this page a :
**
Ok, I found the good site. NBC's (US) is a LOT better than the NBC Europe site. On the US site, they have links to things Like "If they mated" and "In the year 2000".... and some of their best ones too! And in "Stand-up Conan" they have the best monologues.... including the ones that pick on Rodman!
"In Dennis Rodman's new book he says that while sitting on the bench during big games he fantasizes about masturbating. As a result, the Bulls said from now on
Dennis will have his own towel boy."
"Dennis Rodman's ex-wife has a book. In it she says that Dennis Rodman made her get breast implants. His actual quote was, 'If you don't get breast implants, I will.'"
"In a recent interview Dennis Rodman says the NBA can kiss his ass. Then later he asked the NFL to fondle his nipples." =)
This site has bad graphics for a TV site, but the layout makes up for that. Even scanned pictures look better than the quality of the pictures on the site. There's transcripts of Conan and Andy's cyber chats and you can get the guest list first here!
This site is at: http://www.nbc.com/entertainment/shows/conan/
I give this site a :
***1/2
* ="For me to POOP on!"
** ="It's Krunk!"
*** = " Lets get it on!"
**** =" I SAID NEE-HA!"
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WEEK IN REVIEW DECEMBER 1 - 5 1997
So we were in repeats all last week. There's only one good thing about that and two bad things, and that is if you've missed a show you might catch up with it during a repeats week. And the bad things? #1 they're repeats. #2 THEY'RE REPEATS!
MONDAY: (repeat of 09/27/97)
John Tesh, Joan Cusack and music from Squirrel Nut Zippers
Conan holds his #1 fan contest, a contest I'm sure a few of you out there would not have minded winning. Max and a little girl dress up as ballerinas and do their best to win. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog poops all over Teshie. "On the new Age charts Avalon was the #1 album. For me to go #2 on!"
TUESDAY: (repeat of 09/10/97)
Chris Rock, Michael Moore and music from Neil Coty
A montage of Ed Koch's appearances on Late Night.
Year 2000.
Conan checks in with some phonecalls.
WEDNESDAY: ( repeat of 10/09/97)
Paul Reiser, Janeane Garafalo with music from Steve Winwood
Staring contest - Andy loses again.
Andy's little sister Stacy visits and brings her new boyfriend Kyle.
THURSDAY: (repeat of 09/26/97)
Elton John,Tim Meadows
Conan and Andy take the desk on a drive through NYC, they go through a farm, a high school and the airport.
FRIDAY: (repeat of 09/11/97)
Adam Sandler, Robert Wuhl
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END QUOTE
I'll just remind you that anyone can contribute to "I SAID NEE-HA" if you don't have any ideas Email me and I'll send you the list of MOST WANTED articles.
Thanks go to Sabine Sorg for the transcription of Conan on die Harald Schmidt show, Chris Sutton for reviewing the web, Jerry Burns for the Top Tens, Damone for putting us in the FAQ and pulling in more subscribers, Jess for sending in the thing about Andy on Tour, all the people who replied to the interactive question of the week, thanks for your votes and I hope you'll vote again this week.
LA 'COB' Gallacher
LA Cool J
"I had a weird thing happen to me today. I was cutting through the lobby on my way to the show this morning, cutting through Rockefeller Centre and these two girls are passing me and one nudges the other and goes, 'Hey, it's that guy from Conan O'Brien!'"
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FEEDBACK INFO:
All Questions and Feedback: LACOB@aol.com
For the Poll: LateNight Poll@hotmail.com
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