"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #03/08-014
Hi everyone! Howsitgoing? Wasn't last week in Late Night great!? The show rocked or as I like to say it was "pure dead brilliant". I was just crazy about Thursday night's "Sting Operation" skit. Another skit proving Andy's immense acting talent. I just sat there, watching.... Waiting.... Wondering what the hell was going to happen next. It was conetastic to say the least. Did anyone else notice that they only seem to do "If They Mated" whenever Winona Ryder hooks up with someone new - according to the tabloids at least?
It was also great to see the show with one of the coolest women on earth (IMHO) Julie Foudy. I personally would love to see more stars from the world of sport get to be guests on Late Night. People like Ken Shamrock, Alexi Lalas, Shannon Hall and Dkembe somethingorother- the basketball player who was on not that long ago. They always have something interesting, informative and/or funny to say. And who out there would say that they didn't enjoy watching Conando get physical with the world's most dangerous man, Ken Shamrock? Not me.
It looks like I'm destined never to shake off the "HANSON fan" tag. This week one of the dreaded screamers who were at THAT scream-fest of a show calmed down to "slightly hysterical" for long enough to write up her happy little experience for us in LIVE@6A.
I want to remind you that anyone out there who would like to contribute is more than welcome. I'm looking for some TOP TENS (on anything to do with Late Night), LIVE@6A, if you've been or are going to see the show anytime soon, I'd like to hear from you. Are you a chatroom or newsgroup regular? I need people to keep us up-to-date with the goings on out there. You can write anything you want as long as it's about Late Night.
Have a conetastic week, whatever you do make sure it's legally too much fun and for now.... Let's get it awn!!
Linzi Gallacher
Editor and FBI Special Agent
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CONTENTS
ANDY Q&A COMPETITION NEWS
GAME ON - it's legally too much fun...
LATE NIGHT POLL
LIVE@6A from Fiona Jackson
THE 'CONOLOGUE' JOKES' by Robin Banks
TEN RESASONS BRIAN McCANN IS THE BOMB! by Leo and Kenny
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
ADVICE FROM THE BEAR!
UPCOMING GUESTS
WEEK IN REVIEW
END QUOTE
FYI
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ANDY Q&A COMPETITION NEWS
Greater Talent Network who organize Andy's speaking tour "How To Be A Talkshow Sidekick And Other Worthless Crap" are running a competition giving you a chance to win a LNWCOB gift package and an autographed copy of the excellent LIVE AT 6A CD.
All you have to do to enter is come up with a question that you'd like to ask Andy and submit it through their website. Some examples of submissions that they have already received are:
Q: "Somehow, the college crowd has designated you it's hero. How does that make you feel?"
Q: "Does it bother you when guests brush by you and give Conan a hug, or just ignore you the whole time they're on the set. It bothers me, and I'm only watching!"
Q: "Have you ever had a night when you were 'on' and Conan was a bit 'off''? What can you/do you do to bring his energy up?"
Andy is their next "featured speaker" for the site and will be asked a maximum of FIVE questions as chosen from fan's submissions. The winning question(s) will be posted on the website and answered by the great man himself later on this month. They have some examples at the site and you can check out all the details there.
Get the details: http://www.greatertalent.com/ftrdspkr.htm
To enter go to: http://www.greatertalent.com/qnextfrm.htm
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GAME ON - it's legally too much fun...
I was up late and surfing one night during the week and I found out that it's pretty amazing what you can uncover out there when you put your mind to it. Aside from that I did discover a particularly cool and kookie "game thingie" that Conan lovers might like to check out.
It features the heads of our favorite talk show host Conan (you knew that though!) and his fellow contemporaries, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Rosie O'Donnell and the dreaded Kathie Lee Gifford.
The object of the "game" is to mix and match the facial features of the aforementioned talkshow hosts or as they at the site call it "perform plastic surgery on your favorite talkshow host" and see how they all turn out. Kind of like "If They Mated" but much more frightening. Kathie Lee and Conan--you have to see it to believe it. It's legally too much fun, check it out at:
http://www.mrshowbiz.com/features/games/surgery/talkshowhosts/
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LATE NIGHT POLL
We never had a poll last week, because of some technical problems, which still have not been sorted, but I want to go ahead with the poll anyway. Until I get the hotmail thing fixed please just send your response direct to me. Cheers thanks a lot!
This week I want to ask you what's your favorite kind of guest on Late Night? Who's been your favorite guest so far and why?
- Friend Of The Show types
- TV/Movie actors
- Writers
- Professional Athletes
- Politicians
- Novelty - (People who bring animals, science stuff, people who cook, people who show things to Conan.)
- Music Guests
Send your response to me at: LACOB@AOL.COM
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LIVE@6A from Fiona Jackson
I want to share my "Late Night" story with you all. I was at the show last week when HANSON were on. It was my first time at the show and it was my birthday!! (I'm fifteen btw.) I went with my older brother, who also loves to watch Conan. He promised me six months ago when I first started watching Conan that he would take me to NYC to see it and finally!! Woohoo!
I only found out that HANSON were on when I read this newsletter last week. And I was so excited! They're one of my favorite bands. I screamed for like, forever when I read it!
So by now you probably all know what happens..... You wait in line for a while (I was one of the first ten people on the line and I waited 2 hours). First we went on the tour of Rockefeller Plaza. Very nice, but a bit boring especially when all I could think of was seeing Conan and Tay together on the same stage. The crowd was mainly a lot of young girls. You're not supposed to get in if you're under 18 (although many do). My brother thought that this was hysterical and they all looked really funny trying to dress up like they were older than they really were. So we waited, and we waited, and we waited some more. And the crowd was getting really excited and finally there was some movement. So you go in and you get your seats. We were on the "desk side". Mike came out and did a few jokes. He made fun of all the HANSON fans and pretended he was a screaming fan. Conan was introduced and he screamed too.
The entire audience was really hepped up for the whole thing. And I was really excited when the show started. Conan came running out and (I didn't have the greatest view of the monologue from where I was sitting) everyone was screaming and it was so krunking LOUD. I don't actually remember any of the jokes -- that's how bad it was, bad in a good way though (thank God I taped the show--or I probably wouldn't remember anything that happened.)
They did a Clutch cargo bit to start with (neeee-haaaaa!) it was Clinton and I think Saddam Hussein was in it too. Everyone kept screaming all the time and I found it hysterical whenever Conan mocked the fans by acting all girlie. Sad to say, I cannot recall a word Jane Seymore who was the first guest, said. Then they had this cat show thing. It seemed really stupid, and Conan said so when the cat went away and it's paw stayed in the same place -- that was the funniest part.
Then during the break (more screaming while we waited). During the break Andy was talking to Jane Seymore and then they all shook hands and she left. After the break Conan introduced a guy from Saturday Night Live, Will somethingorother (sorry can't remember). This is so bad, all I remember about that interview is that he did some impressions of furry animals and then screamed for Tay. And the audience went wild -- again!!
Then it was time for another break. Then when they returned it was TIME FOR HANSON!!!! The band actually came out during the break and took their places on the stage and waited to be introduced. Tay looks taller in real life! Everyone was screaming madly and loudly at this point. Girls were shouting, "I love you Tay!" And, "I love HANSON!" I think I just screamed my way through the entire segment while they were playing. They played the song "Weird" one of my favorites. Actually they're all my favorite songs - cos they're by HANSON!! During the song someone in the audience tried to throw like a teddy or something at the band. But it missed and bonked the head of a cameraman.
After the song, they went over and talked to Conan (cue for more screaming). They're so nice. After it was all over (and it went really quickly). I was so happy. I kept talking about it all night, and I'm still talking about it -- as you can tell. It was brilliant!!!
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THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Robin Banks
**Conan O'Brien on BAD INFLUENCES**
"An elementary school in Virginia doesn't want it's students to watch Jerry Springer anymore because it's causing fights on the playground. Not only that, but show and tell is nothing but skin."
**Conan O'Brien on HILLARY CLINTON**
"Hillary Clinton visited a Maryland day care center and read to children. Reportedly she read them the story of the three little pigs and the vast right wing conspiracy."
**Conan O'Brien on MADONNA**
"In a recent interview Madonna said that she and her daughter go in a closet and play dress up with her high heels and necklaces. Madonna said, 'It's a lot like when I was dating Dennis Rodman.'"
**Conan O'Brien on PROSTITUTION**
"According to today's New York Times Russia is considering legalizing prostitution. And they thought the lines were long for shoes!!"
**Conan O'Brien on THE BIGGER PICTURE**
"Last night in New York Time magazine held a 75th Anniversary party attended by Kathie Lee Gifford, Mohammed Ali, Michael Gorbachev and Dr. Kevorkian. Afterwards the party's organizers admitted the whole thing was just and elaborate ploy to get Kathie Lee and Kevorkian in the same room."
**Conan O'Brien on MARTHA STEWART**
"Martha Stewart is suing the National Enquirer for saying that she's crazy. When asked about it Martha said, 'That story's ridiculous!' Then spent the day making a miniature Taj Mahal out of doilies."
**Conan O'Brien on FISHER PRICE**
"Fisher Price is recalling 21,000 of their cookie-shaped magnets 'cos children have been swallowing them. Apparently parents noticed their kids were sticking to the refrigerator."
**Conan O'Brien on THE GRATEFUL DEAD**
"The surviving members of 'The Grateful Dead' announced that they're going to reunite and go on tour under a different name. The band said they would use the band's old name, but they can't remember it."
**Conan O'Brien on BILL GATES**
"Yesterday Micro Soft chairman Bill Gates visited a 6th grade class right here in New York. For old time's sake two of the kids took him behind the school and beat the crap out of him, and took four billion dollars in lunch money."
**Conan O'Brien on KEVIN COSTNER**
"At the Time magazine 75th Anniversary party Dr. Kevorkian waited around so he could talk with Kevin Costner. Reportedly Costner told him, 'Hey the Postman was bad, but not *that* bad.'"
**Conan O'Brien on DON KING**
"Yesterday Don King was robbed by four armed gunmen. Afterwards King said, 'Now I know what it's like to be managed by me!!'"
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"President Clinton admitted under oath that Monica Lewinsky once delivered a pizza to him in his private study. He said, 'Now that's my idea of a threesome.'"
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TEN REASONS BRIAN McCANN IS THE BOMB! By Leo and Kenny
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
Every once in a while, all of the planets are in line and the whole thing falls into place.
That's what the staff of LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN must have thought Tuesday night after taping the show. This was one of those nights where you just don't give a flip for the guests when you read their names in the paper but you end up happy that you stayed up late or, at least in my case, actually learned how to program your VCR. Let's break it down a little in a language we all can understand.
First off, let's have a round of applause for the undefeated King of the SAT, Andy Richter!! This guy is amazing! He NEVER gets anything wrong! No wonder he goes on these college speaking tours. The guy is one learned individual. Or-and this is quite possible-he secretly replaces Conan's regular coffee with some of H. Keith Melton's magical spy Folger's Crystals. Think about it.
The first guest was Stone Cold John Malkovich. There is one reason that John always plays the creepy guy in his movies. It's because he is unusually creepy. I have it on good authority that he doesn't do a lot of TV interviews because he either has a creepy past or is kind of shy. Since he liked to tell the cool stories, let's say he has a creepy past. My particular favorite would have to be the ultra-freaky "I went home and got my father's Bowie knife". It had a certain tinge to it; a strange vibe. Very convincing, is the exact clinical term. Now it was obvious (or was it?) that he made it up but it sure was weird. It made me want to tell him to "back the f*** off me!" Honestly, Johnny Mac spoke in such a relaxed and barely audible monotone that you really had to think the guy was scarred for life. And that makes him a great actor! See how pain, suffering, and enduring your big brother's fart therapy can turn you-yes, YOU!!--into a hotshot Hollywood actor?
Oh. I almost forgot something. Academy Awards and People's Choice Awards be damned: John Malkovich is this week's FREAK OF THE WEEK, patent pending. But I am not afraid. That's why I use a fake name.
Next up was the Head Coach of the Orlando Breakers (thanks to my buddy, Tully, for the "Coach" facts), Hayden Fox-er, I mean, TV's Craig T. Nelson. Is it me or does he always remind you of that guy from "Poltergeist"?
What's that you say? Same guy? Oh. My bad.
Jokes aside, I think the real question is: Did TV's Craig T. Nelson go to the TV's Courteney Cox's School of Narcoleptic Interviewing Skills? Weren't you just waiting for him to get to the point? And why didn't his butt-kicking wife come out and give him "What For" for not making sense?
Seriously, though. These are the interviews that prove just how skilled Our Boy Conan is in making people laugh. It still was entertaining; especially how Conan was able to steer TV's Coach into a nice depression-transference story about former co-star, Jerry Van Dyke. It was also cool how Conan asked him the question about being recognized as frequently as Monday night's repeat offender, George "NORM!" Wendt. My guess is that George can't go to a lot of places ol' Craig T. can. Let me put this one in the form of an SAT question:
"Cheers":
Great show:
"Coach"::
Just on a long time.
See how everything can be tied together so easily?
Have a good week.
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ADVICE FROM THE BEAR!
"Hello, Conan. I am your Bear. Grrrrrrr."
"When strolling through the forest, wave to the bunnies and the chipmunks. A loyal pal in the summer can be a tasty snack in the winter."
"Always make sure to drink lots of water during the dry season, because if you get trapped in a forest fire, you can always soak a tree with a steady stream of bear pee."
"When raiding a campsite for snacks, avoid any bottles which say 'Vodka'. For if bear gets drunk, he might wake up in a cave next to a very unattractive and dumpy female bear. She might be expecting a long term commitment."
"Thou shall not scratch your back against a pine tree, for the sap will make you all gooky."
"Remember: always maul people with your front paws. Your back paws are just there to keep you from tipping over."
"Never mate during hunting season. It's better to be horny than dead."
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UPCOMING GUESTS - March 9 - 13 1998
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC web site and is a provisional list, subject to change:
MONDAY, March 9 (repeat of 11/6/97):
William Shatner,
George Stephanopoulos,
French Stewart
TUESDAY, March 10:
Tom Arnold,
Elizabeth Berkley,
Chantal Kreviazuk
WEDNESDAY, March 11:
David Frost
THURSDAY, March 12:
Denis Leary
FRIDAY, March 13:
Music from Mary Lou Lord
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WEEK IN REVIEW - March 2 - 6 1998
MONDAY, March 2 (repeat of 11/21/97):
George Wendt
Julie Foudy
Terry Jones
Conan, Andy, Max, Oldy and Bobby Bowman show their "sex tapes".
Conan and Andy make fun of the previous night's audience.
TUESDAY, March 3:
John Malkovich
Craig T. Nelson
H. Keith Melton with spy memorabilia
SAT Analogies
WEDNESDAY, March 4:
Kathleen Turner
Marc Maron,
Elliot Smith
Closed Captioning
THURSDAY, March 5:
Scott Wolf,
Flea
Kevin Brennan
If They Mated
Sting Operation
FRIDAY, March 6:
Frederique
Boyd Matson
Music from Finley Quaye
Andy's Video Conference and
Bar Mitzvah
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END QUOTE
"You can't show monkey porn and then go backstage!"
--COB
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FYI
With thanks to Laurie, Micah Honees, Leo & Kenny, Fiona Jackson and Robin Banks.
Comments, questions, contributions and Late Night Poll response to me: LACOB@AOL.COM