"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #03/01-013
Hola! Welcome to March already. Fast year so far eh? Was it good for you? Hey, I'm happy. Unknown to some of you out there Conan has an anniversary coming up on Wednesday. Yup. The three year anniversary of Conan's first appearance on NBC Europe. Do you remember where you were on Saturday 4th March 1995? Ahhhh memories...
BIBBLE ALERT: Call The Fashion Police Pleeeeezzzzze!! I'm glad to say this hasn't gone unnoticed by you. Conan's outfit on Wednesday night. Did you kop a load of it? What a nightmare!! Peach colored (flavored) shirt and a RED stripey tie! What the hell was he thinking??? He has RED hair!!! He can't wear orange in this lifetime. They really need to get a little more control over what they wear. That ensemble is what we fashion-savvy types like to call an "I don't think so honey!" Someone really has to go right in there and help him discover color co-ordination. And fast! Remember "brown is the new black"? That was Ok for me, perhaps a little late in the season, but better late than never, right? He gets it right some nights. You remember blue shirt, blue tie? That's a classic. Same color shirt and tie is still in. And in blue, Conan's got it going on.
This week's LIVE@6A comes from an English viewer, Marion Collingwood, who went to see the show twice, on Thursday 12 and Friday 13th February, she got back home to England and discovered that her local cable operator had discontinued NBC Europe from it's service. Some things are just soooo unfair.
Before we go any further I just want to say that this week I was horribly flamed for saying in last week's "NEE-HA!" that I was a member of the "HANSON" fan club. I am really surprised (and somewhat disturbed) by the amount of hate mail I received over this. Didn't you lot see Conan wearing a rather tight "HANSON" t-shirt last week? I know I'm not alone. Someone even called me a "freakin moreon" -- yeah, actual spelling. Lighten up people. Just because I have no taste in music doesn't mean you should take it personally. And to the screaming girlies who wanted to join the fan club. You'll find the info you require at their website, go to: http://www.hansonline.com
Having got all that off my chest, I can now get down off my soapbox and say... have a good week everyone and "let's get it awn!"
LA 'COB' Gallacher
Editor And Jasmine Scented Professional Athlete
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CONTENTS
CHATTING
DEAR DIZZA
IN THE YEAR 2000 by Jelli
LATE NIGHT POLL
LIVE@6A from Marion Collingwood
THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Robin Banks
20/20 QUIZ BY DejaVu
TEN REASONS THAT PROVE I LOVE LATE NIGHT by Kelly B
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS
WEBSITE REVIEW
WEEK IN REVIEW
END QUOTE
FYI
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CHATTING
Are you bored and in need of some Late Night chat? A bunch of Conan viewers would like to revive the chats and are trying to get people to meet up in the #Conan chatroom on DALnet at around 10:00 PM ET to discuss the show.
And #Krunk on EFnet at 11:00 PM ET. Get there if you can. People are welcome to drop in at any time though, and they would like to have users in the channel at all times.
You need to get the mIRC software to access #Conan (on DALnet) or #Krunk (on EFnet).
Get it at: http://www.mirc.com
Need help getting connected? Go to: http://www.irchelp.org
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DEAR DIZZA
Dear Dizza is recognized and accepted as a somewhat skilled counsellor for Late Night Addiction. Her experience includes, but is not limited to, weeks of intense education and training in coping with the devastating but fun effects of Late Night Addiction, which she herself openly admits to having.
Her advice is sought out by thousands (well, at least sixteen people anyway, but potentially it's thousands) and she welcomes your pathetic cries for help as she "leads you down the Conaningly-crazed path to a happier-yet wackier future!"
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Dear Dizza,
Is it possible to be a fan of Late Night with Conan O'Brien and be a new parent too? Advice?
New Mommy From New Jersey
Dear New Mommy,
Sure it is! But be prepared. Kids do get sick a lot. Here is some advice from the great Conando himself. I'm sure it will help you:
Conan suggests building a separate "Vomit House" for your children, and here's how it would work: You strap your child into a giant tube and then fire him or her into the Vomit House. There they can be a sick as they want to and fill up the Vomit House while you remain a happy Mommy!
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Dear Dizza,
Late Night is so funny that everytime I watch it I have to vomit in my seat. Sometimes I manage to get to the window, but that has brought me great trouble with my landlord. What should I do?
Nauseous in Nassau
Dear Nauseous,
Nasseous in Nassau meet New Mommy from New Jersey!! New Mommy, when the Vomit House has been built, let Nauseous know. I'm sure you two can work something out!
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Dear Dizza,
I'm from Switzerland and I work for Ricola. Now that Conan said Ricola was from Denmark, should I change my nationality?
Bewildered in Basle
Dear Bewildered,
Of course!! Being a Late Night fan, do you think you have a choice? You have to change your nationality now!!
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Dear Dizza, To get that Conanesque look, should I use a No. 5 Hazelnut or rather a No. 12 Copper rinse?
Colorful in Cologne
Dear Colorful,
I hear the No. 12 Copper rinse works well. Then make sure you never get tan. Tans are OUT! The WHITE FRECKLED LOOK is in!! That should make you completely Conanized.
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IN THE YEAR 2000
Transcribed by Jelli
"It's time to take a look into the future."
"The future Conan?"
"Yes, friend for our contractual lives, all the way to the year 2000..."
CONAN
"An even more shocking home videotape of Pamela and Tommy Lee will come out. This one featuring the two of them adding and subtracting."
ANDY
"God at last reveals himself to humans, who are shocked and appalled by his really bad comb-over."
CONAN
"Jerry Seinfeld will leave television for a career in movies, forcing NBC to change their Thursday night slogan from 'Must See TV' to just another night of crap!"
ANDY
"In an effort to make fast food even faster, McDonalds will begin pumping their food directly into customer's stomachs. To keep pace Wendy's will pump their food directly into people's toilets."
CONAN
"The Spice Girls will once again be famous when MTV's The Real World decides to focus on five middle aged, out of work skanky hags."
ANDY
"The hyphen will be replaced by the dash, and the dash will be replaced by the hyphen. No one will notice."
CONAN
"Jerry Springer will make a desperate attempt at respectability when he cancels his show on 'big breasted nympho chearleaders' and replaces it with 'big breasted nympho economists.'"
CONAN
"Iraq will become the most powerful nation in the world thanks to their new leader, coach Bill Parcell."
ANDY
"Superstrong fertility drugs will again cause Bobbi McCoy to give birth to seven babies. Only this time four of them will be pregnant."
CONAN
"An elderly President Clinton will become so stooped and bent that no one will be able to tell him apart from his penis."
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LATE NIGHT POLL
Last week I asked you whether or not you still found some of the old skits like Staring Contests and The Year 2000 funny. Here are some of your replies. There will be no Late Night Poll this week due to some technical fault with hotmail.
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I think the comedy has been a bit of a drag recently, but Conan and Andy still keep it together and I'd like to say that it's still "FUNNY AS HELL!" -- Mike
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I think the skits are really funny if--and only if--Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is in them. Every time I see this frickin' dog I laugh off parts of myself that I would otherwise like to keep attached. The rest (2000; anything with Oldy; staring contests; and even the PSAs) are hit-and-miss. -- The Icon
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Late Night is still funny. NBC must hate the bits they do that make fun of them such as the de-bugging of the screen by Conan not that long ago and Polly The Peacock. Those bits are my favorite!! -- James
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How can anyone doubt the comedy stylings of Mr. O'Brien? Of course it's still funny. Does anyone understand that sometimes Conan gets a "bad" audience? Its true, it happens. And Conan and the rest of the staff are tired I bet. They do so much for us...give em a break. Just cause we saw 2 "bad" bits, doesn't mean the show has lost its touch. The man is a genius. I've accepted that...I hope some of you have too. Just keep watching. Don't give up. -- KC
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Yes! Yes! YES! Of course it's still funny. Would we still be watching if we thought it was going down the tubes? -- Kelly B
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This was a hard decision to make. I have to admit, some of the recurring bits are getting pretty old but some of them still make me laugh. I'm glad that they're doing new and original bits like "Late Night Q & A" and "Nobody's Watching" . I think maybe their just in a slump or something. The summer and winter shows seem to be the best IMO. -- Chillngirl
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Well I can't really make a decision either way, the skits are incredibly original, which brought out the laughter the first time, and many times after that, but now it is getting a bit old. but I think it would be a bit risky to think of new ones, because too many times shows have flopped with people trying to copy the original humor and originality and bringing in something totally stupid. But perhaps with Conan's super sense of humor, he could think of some new ones that would work. However it goes, Conan is the funniest man on television! -- Janet
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Maybe the people in the audience were just stupid because I liked both the recent Staring Contest and ITY 2000. These bits, along with Actual Items, If They Mated, Clutch Cargo, and After Plastic Surgery are classics which should not go away. Maybe Conan could resurrect some of his old bits which haven't been used in awhile. Also, I think Conan should do Children's Drawings more. That IMO is the best sketch they do and it is so overlooked. -- Nick
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Sometimes it looks like it's slowing down a little, and that's probably more to do with a punishing schedule than the comedy actually being bad. But in the past few weeks there have been skits that prove LNWCOB is still #1 for edgy and off the wall comedy stuff. That time when Conan took the bug spray and removed the peacock from the screen. I LOVED that! And Andy Richter's "World Of The Unexplained Universe Of The Unknown." I loved that too. Plus the bit where "Nobody's Watching" they took what could have looked like disastrous ratings for them and they turned it into a great comedy piece. Long may it continue. -- Robin Banks
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LIVE@6A from Marion Collingwood
My visit to both shows started very much as has been written about already, Mike the warm up man did the same jokes (I kept quiet about coming from England, some woman from Canada who had emigrated from the U.K. got the Shakespeare and Benny Hill jokes. ) On the Thursday Conan danced with a woman from Budapest (lucky her at least she gets to see him) after he had finished dancing she just went back to her seat and left him in the aisle, he asked her how she could do that after the dance he did for her, and got her to come back and dance with the Band. John Tesh, Darrel Hammond were funny. Conan then did a Valentine's Date Draw with himself as the prize. The first two seats drawn had been left empty and the third one had a woman crawling into the aisle to get away from him. She then came up with various excuses why she could not go on the date with him, one being that she was married to an older man whose lap she sat on. Conan seemed to accept this, and then did win a three way date with him, yes you guessed the seat drawn was the one occupied by the said man and woman. Conan and Andy also showed us some Directors they used before Liz Plonka, this has been done a couple of times before. But this one was very well done.
Fridays show was not as good, the crowd seemed a bit miffed at the way we were kept waiting, and the order of seating, and never seemed to enter the spirit of the thing. Also the set up was bitty, they had a musical guest and this seems to disrupt the flow. As it was Valentine's Day next day and also being Friday 13th I think more could have been made of these dates. Still now I don't have the chance to see the show anymore these are the memories I will have to live with.
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THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES
Transcribed by Robin Banks
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"Over the weekend President Clinton was heckled by anti-war protestors. Apparently when they began chanting 'make love not war' the president said, 'I already tried that.'"
**Conan O'Brien on TARA LEPINSKI**
"Tara Lepinski is now gonna begin advertising a figure skating Barbie doll. This will be the first Barbie ad where under the spokesperson's picture it says 'actual size'."
**Conan O'Brien on PAVAROTTI**
"At tomorrow night's Grammy Awards Luciano Pavarotti is going to perform with a 77 piece orchestra. I think he's a bit confused though, cos he asked for the 77 piece orchestra to be extra crispy."
**Conan O'Brien on MONICA LEWINSKY**
"Monica Lewinsky's lawyer says that in order to pay her legal bills Monica may have to write a book. Apparently she's gonna call it 'Oral Sex For Dummies.'"
**Conan O'Brien on NOISE POLLUTION**
"In a speech yesterday mayor Rudi Guilliani says he wants to crack down on excessive noise in New York City. He went on to say something else, but 14 car alarms went off and no one could hear him."
**Conan O'Brien on DAN RATHER**
"During CBS' Olympic coverage Dan Rather won the evening news ratings race for the first time in five years. It may not count though, cos this morning Rather tested positive for marijuana."
**Conan O'Brien on TOMMY AND PAMMIE**
"Earlier today Rocker Tommy Lee was arrested for assaulting Pamela Lee. She's fine. Pamela said the worst part of the whole attack was trying to hold the camera steady."
**Conan O'Brien on OPRAH**
"Oprah Winfrey won her beef trial today. Afterwards she thanked the jury then she did a show entitled, 'Is Chicken Gross Or What?'"
**Conan O'Brien on REGIS AND KATHIE LEE**
"On tonight's episode of 'Diagnosis: Murder' Regis Philbin shoots Kathie Lee Gifford. Not only that, but for this episode they're changing the show's title to 'Diagnosis: Justifiable Homicide.'"
**Conan O'Brien on ROCKER TOMMY LEE**
"Rocker Tommy lee recently got a vasectomy. The doctor said it was the first time during an operation that he ever had to yell, 'T-I-M-B-E-R!'"
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20/20 QUIZ by DejaVu
THE PART WITH THE GUESTS AND THE FREAK'S OF THE WEEK
THE PART WITH ALL THE COMEDY
(ANSWERS IN "FYI" AT THE END)
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TEN REASONS THAT PROVE I LOVE LATE NIGHT by Kelly B
1.) I've watched Late Night from the very first show. I'm really committed to it. I've only missed a few weeks, like when I was on vacation.
2.) I wear Late Night. I'm all decked out in t-shirts, baseball caps and I don't have the jacket yet, but soon...
3.) I drink from a Late Night mug. I have five of them, so that my friends can share the experience if they're drinking with me!
4.) I listen to Late Night music, in my room, or in the car from the LIVE AT 6A CD. And I went to see some of the bands that have been on like Dishwalla and Jamiraquai.
5.) I've been to see two tapings of the show. I never got to meet Conan or Andy, but it was still the best time ever!!!
6.) I paint Conan and Andy. I'm a bit of an artist and I'm always drawing cartoony pictures of them.
7.) I'm trying to copy the wallpaper that Stacy has on her wall.
8.) I'm planning my next trip to NYC. I live in Cincinnati, Ohio and I think I'm going to drive there in April. Haven't decided on a date yet.
9.) I read Conan. In my copy of "If They Mated" and I collect magazine articles, some of which are hard to get --like the Satellite TV Europe interview for example.
10.) I sent Conan a stupid, whinny 'I love You' letter and begged him to send me a signed photo. I hope he never got to read it--coz I'll look like a krazy-stalker if he does see it. It's way embarrassing.
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION
By Micah Honees
A lot of times I'm sure that our readers turn to this page to see just who has win the coveted FREAK OF THE WEEK AWARD. Well, in the spirit of good fun-and without consulting the editor-I have decided to begin a new, semi-regular feature here called TALE OF THE TAPE. In TALE OF THE TAPE we will compare and contrast recent interviews or features from LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN and see how they stack up, scientifically speaking. So, with apologies to Nick Bakay, the guy I have blatantly stolen this idea from, let's begin.
Our first edition will center on comedian/actor/swimsuit pioneer Rob Schneider. He's the perfect test case because he actually may hold the record for quickest return to a talk show between appearances: twenty minutes. Let see how the two guest spots stack up in the TALE OF THE TAPE.
CLOTHING:
Appearance 1: Superman outfit; including fake muscularity.
Appearance 2: Office "dress casual" if you work in a head shop.
Winner: Appearance 1, because on skinny, underweight short dudes, red and blue tights are funny. Oh, hell. They're funny all the time.
TOPIC OF DISCUSSION:
Appearance 1: Rob wanted to be Superman in the next series of movies; a job that sadly had already been given to Nicolas Cage.
Appearance 2: the legalization of hemp, which obviously makes the best rope money can buy. Plus, according to Rob, there are other benefits to it as well.
Winner: Push. There are no winners here. I've always thought Superman was one of the least cool super heroes ever created. And what about those people who never recognize him? C'mon. You would have to be a real "moreon" not to recognize Superman as Clark Kent just because the guy puts on a pair of glasses. And besides that, I am not exactly Mr. Legalize It. Pot smokers are just plain lazy. Rob was in preparing for this guest spot as well.
BIG STUNT:
Appearance 1: Guidewires (or were they..?) that made Rob "fly" like Superman.
Appearance 2: Some guy got lit on fire when Rob's "Stunt" went terribly wrong.
Winner: Appearance 2, in a tight race. Fire is always great for shock value and maybe I'm a sicko but I laughed myself raw when the guy started flailing around. He should've remembered the immortal words of noted firefighter, Dick Van Dyke: "Stop, Drop, and Roll."
THE COLUMNS I WROTE ABOUT ROB SCHNEIDER ON LATE NIGHT
Column #1: Funny and informative.
Column #2 (this one): A quick and dirty imitation of an obscure feature of an obscure comedian.
Winner: Column #1. Preparation is the cheese, baby.
It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. Our winner, in a competition as tight as Rob's Superman undershorts, is Rob's portrayal of a sawed-off Superman, appearance #1. Anytime you can have a previous guest literally hanging around above the heads of other guests, disrupting their moment on the Late Night set, it has to be great. The Chaos Theory is alive and well. Now for his return, if he could just light someone on fire. Perhaps Lex Luthor?
The numbers, as Nick Bakay would tell you, never lie.
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UPCOMING GUESTS March 2 - 6 1998
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC web site and is a provisional list, subject to change:
MONDAY, March 2 (repeat of 11/21/97):
George Wendt
Julie Foudy
Terry Jones
TUESDAY, March 3:
John Malkovich
Craig T. Nelson
H. Keith Melton
WEDNESDAY, March 4:
Kathleen Turner
THURSDAY, March 5:
Scott Wolf
Flea
FRIDAY, March 6:
Music from Finley Quaye
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WEEK IN REVIEW - Feb. 23 - 27 1998
MONDAY, Feb. 23 (repeat of 11/13/97):
Matt Lauer
Lisa Rinna
James Ellroy
Conan's trip to Cologne and appearance on Die Harald Schmidt Show
Instant Viewer Feedback Phone calls
TUESDAY, Feb. 24:
Matthew Modine
Roy Jones Junior
Patty Loveless
Conan Remote: "Max on The Make"
Conan's Moral Dilemma -- should he keep an autographed baseball?
WEDNESDAY, Feb. 25:
Robert Duvall,
Bill Bellamy,
Sam Fullsome
Children's Drawings
"Legends In Black History: George Washington Carver"
THURSDAY, Feb. 26:
Jane Seymour
Will Ferrell
Hanson
Clutch Cargo: Clinton/Saddam
Talented Cats from the International Cat Show
FRIDAY, Feb. 27:
David Schwimmer
Kurt Loder
Ed Byrne
Channel Surfing
Sting Operation.
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NBC EUROPE VARIATION:
TUESDAY, Feb. 24 (repeat of 02/12/98):
Tom Selleck
Ana Gasteyr
Music from Alana Davis
Buried In The Back Pages
Triumph provides commentary as dogs from the "Westminster Dog Show" show off their talents.
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END QUOTE
"You know, ladies and gentlemen, when you go that low it's gotta work or you're screwed!" -- COB
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FYI
"NEE-HA!" thanks to Dizza, Joel, Laurie, Micah Honees, Jelli, Marion Collingwood, Robin, Kelly, DejaVu and everyone who voted in the poll.
Comments and queries to me: LACOB@AOL.COM
THE PART WITH ALL THE QUIZ ANSWERS:
THE PART WITH THE GUESTS AND THE FREAKS OF THE WEEK
THE PART WITH ALL THE COMEDY