"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #02/22-012
Hello everyone. How are ya? All is swell and swanky down here in Conan Country (that's just south of the Tragic Kingdom). The sun is shining, the birds are doing their little birdy thing. And I hear that HANSON will be in the house this coming Thursday! People... I think we may just have been blessed. All the Gods are smiling on us this week. Not only do we have HANSON to look forward to and possible another stunning version of "Mmm Bop" by our big red one, but on Friday night, one of my personal favorite stand-up comedians -- Ed Byrne. The guy is hilarious. Whatever you do don't miss that show.
I want to give the biggest of all big thank yous to Bob from Musicmasters this week. Bob, is a close friend of Max Weinberg and Jimmy Vivino's and he very kindly sent me out a copy of Jimmy Vivino and the Rekooperators CD album "Do What, Now?" I am so thrilled that I have a copy of it (I couldn't get it anywhere), and when I heard it for the first time I knew right away that I would fall in love with it. It's a wonderful (sexy too in places) collection of tunes, and I can't get enough of it. I'd recommend it to anyone, even if they don't usually listen to the blues. You have to hear it to really appreciate Jimmy's talent for blues. His guitar playing and the whole overall sound is superb. Beg, borrow, steal, I don't care, just get to hear it sometime. Or maybe if we ask nicely enough the good people at Late Night will bow down to us and have Jimmy and his band appear on the show once again.
Moving on.. this week LIVE@6A reveals that some kray-zee krunker had the audacity to refuse to dance with Conan before the show. Shame on you Sir wherever you are! And Nick Koroman shares his opinion with us on the "Late Night mini-series."
I also heard that another one of Late Night's European viewers is no longer able to watch Conan because her local Cable operator decided to drop NBC Europe. There's a list of companies that might possibly drop NBC Europe at the NBC Europe website. If you're a resident European Conanite go there and see if yours is one of them. Write your local cable operator and support NBC Europe, don't let them take Late Night away from you. Trust me, you won't realize how much you loved the show until it's gone. Don't let it happen to you.
Have a good week everyone and whatever you do make sure it's "legally too much fun." Let's get it awn!
LA 'COB' Gallacher
Editor and Founding Member Of The Hanson Fan Club
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CONTENTS
LATE NIGHT POLL
LIVE@6A from Liz Essary
THE "CONOLOGUE JOKES" by Robin Banks
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS by Jelli
TEN REASONS THAT PROVE I LOVE CONAN by Jane D.
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS
WEEK IN REVIEW
LATE NIGHT'S MINI-SERIES by Nick Koroman
END QUOTE
FYI
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LATE NIGHT POLL
Last week I asked you to boogie on down to the new-ish Late Night website at NBC. A big bunch of you did and I thank you sweetly for taking the time to share your opinion with everyone. Here are the best of the best of the best replies....
The new website is no different than the old NBC website. Although this one is updated (finally), it is still too "formal". It seems the website isn't more for regular fans than for people curious about the show. -- Nick
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Wow...Many, many thanks to John Knox for such a fine site! Even though it takes longer to load, the graphics are much better, and the pics are easier to 'Borrow' from NBC. I know the site is just in it's fledgling stages, but it's already as good as the old one. The only thing they need up there are monologue jokes... It would make the person who does the monologue jokes job easier. And so far, they've been keeping up with the upcoming guests. I hope it lasts! I know many people who wouldn't even go near NBC.com, because of the treatment of Conan's site...I'm glad to see things are changing.. for the better for the most part (at least on His site...he's even got a link on the main page now!) -- *Tracey*
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IMHO, the new page is a lot more interesting, visually....but because I have such an insatiable desire for Late Night, I think there could be more. -- Chillngirl :)
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First, I have to say that I am delighted to see that Conan's link appears before Leno's on NBC's home page, and they're not even in alphabetical order! Let's see.... I first saw Conan's official site a month or 2 ago and things have changed completely since. The layout seems to show some imagination this time, but overall I didn't see any great changes. I do have to say, though, that the 'Conan and Crew' page bears a startlingly nightmarish resemblance to the Jim Rose Circus. (If you've seen these guys- you'll know what I mean.) Also, I don't remember 'Actual Items' being included on the site previously, which was a nice addition. Anyway, I'd say that for faithful viewers of Late Night, the NBC site has nothing you haven't already seen. -- Shannon
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It's better than the previous NBC effort, but it needs more for me to poop on. I'd like to see more sounds up on the site. Especially from PimpBot 5000 and Triumph. -- Leo
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I want to see more pictures of Conan and more interviews of Conan and more of CONAN!!!! Just Cone it baby! -- Pamela
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I'm happy that they have begun the process of change. It may be a long, slow and painful process, but at least something is being done and it now looks as if they at NBC *really* do care about Late Night. I really like the new "message board" style guest line-ups page. It's a much more casual friendly design than the previous site had. Along with guest line-ups, I think it would be great if NBC would advertise Conan and Andy's appearances on other talk shows or whatever else they're doing that's outside of Late Night so that fans can go along and support them. Andy's speaking tour for example. It's difficult enough for fans to find out what's going on and we don't usually find out until after the event. Along with all that, I'd say I'd like to see more screen grab shots, more sounds and more of everything that NBC give to their other shows. -- Robin Banks
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More monologue jokes, more screen-grab piccies, more sounds. -- Kelly
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I would love it if NBC had a bunch of pictures that fans with websites could use. - James Gardiner
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I didn't notice much of a difference in this site compared to the old site. I never used to visit the old site anyway because all the other fan's sites have much more information. Sue Trowbridge's Late Night lineups page is always much more up to date with the guest lists. If NBC wanted a hint as to where to start looking for help with redesigning their Conan site they could not go wrong if they started with Damone's site. -- Keren
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It's an OK site -- for me to poop on!! Once they get the website up and running they need to work on getting Conan some more promos on NBC. -- Bianca
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This site is still pretty boring. They could do with livening it up. Make it brighter, use their imaginations more. Copy Leno if you have to -- just make it better. -- Amanda Knight
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There's not much here that hasn't been here before apart from the frames and the new who's next guest page. They should add more stuff that fans can use like pictures, sounds etc. -- Gillian
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I don't like this site any more than the last one and I hated the last one. It still sucks out loud. I don't like the "archaic tube" thing they have going on. Most TV's don't look like that anymore. For a show that is as innovative as LNWCOB they need to get a web site that reflects that same innovation. -- Joe Kingsley
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OK at the risk of sounding like a middle-aged DJ.. there you have it folks. Change is on it's way and we'll just have to wait and see how it all turns out.
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This week for Late Night Poll I want to ask your opinion on the comedy skits. Are they getting boring? A few weeks ago the "Staring Contest" was practically void of laughs and this week, "In The year 2000" was performed to a stone cold audience silence. What's happened to the comedy here? Is it going down the tube or does it still light your ring?
If you think it's still as funny as always, vote by putting "FUNNY AS HELL" in your subject heading and don't forget to tell me why you still get a kick out of it. If you're getting bored with all the same comedy skits vote by putting "FOR ME TO POOP ON" in your subject heading and tell us why you think it reeks.
STILL FUNNY AS HELL or FOR ME TO POOP ON!
Send in your votes before Friday to:
LateNightPoll@hotmail.com********************************
LIVE@6A from Liz Essary
My best friend, Moira, and I made the pilgrimage to New York to see the taping of Conan's January 1 show. I'd called ahead for the tickets and after a 13-hour drive, a night in Times Square, and about two minutes of sleep, we made it to Rockefeller Center. At around 3pm, we were standing in the small line that had already been formed. An hour passed and we were sent, in groups of ten, through the metal detector and into the elevator.
They let us in a little after 5pm. It really is freezing in there. It was a lot smaller than I'd expected, too. We had great seats -- four rows up, in front of the desk. The guy who came to talk to us before Conan came out, whose name I do not know, was really funny. Conan ran out and shook some hands in the audience and then did some kind of a twist/convulsion dance and tried to get the guy sitting in front of me to join him. When the guy didn't get up to dance, Conan yelled at him, "What the hell is wrong with you!?! A man asks you to dance and you refuse him!?!" The music stopped and when Conan asked Andy how he was feeling, and said he wasn't feeling well but assured us that he'd made it to his 5am Bible study class.
The actual show was great. We all rocked out with the band during commercials while Conan and Andy chatted amongst themselves or with guests. At one point, Andy stood up with his back toward the audience, and he had a bunch of confetti on the back of his suit. We also were there when Conan did a promo for the show that would be seen "way too late in Leno to do any good."
Moira loved the show, even though she'd never really watched it before. And, as an added bonus, she busted through the crowd after the show ended to snag some cue cards for me. I got the joke about President Clinton voting Tommy Lee the most admired man of 1997. Whee! I can't wait to go back.
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THE "CONOLOGUE" JOKES by Robin Banks
**Conan O'Brien on OLYMPIC RATINGS**
"Ratings for the Winter Olympics are down 35% since four years ago in Lillehammer, Norway. In fact, things have gotten so bad they've decided to fly in Tonya Harding and have her whoop some ass."
**Conan O'Brien on TITANIC**
"Tomorrow the very first telegraph message the Titanic sent after being hit by an iceberg is being sold at an auction. The message reads, 'help! They won't stop playing Celine Dion's Titanic song.'"
**Conan O'Brien on FROZEN EMBRYOS**
"Yesterday in Los Angeles a woman gave birth after she was implanted with an embryo that had been frozen for seven years. Afterwards the woman said, 'I had no idea if I was having a little boy, a little girl or fish sticks.'"
**Conan O'Brien on KENNETH STARR**
"According to Republican Senator Arland Spector the American public believe Kenneth Starr is out to get President Clinton. In response Kenneth Starr said, 'That's ridiculous--I have no personal animosity towards that fat horny pig.'"
**Conan O'Brien on THE PRESIDENT**
"According to Newsweek Monica Lewinsky once waited in President Clinton's private study while he met with the president of Mexico so they could have sex afterwards. When asked to comment the Mexican president said, 'Now I know why our meeting lasted eleven seconds.'"
**Conan O'Brien on QUEEN MOTHER**
"Only three weeks after having her hip replaced Britain's Queen Mother walked out of the hospital in high heels. Then she wowed the crowd by doing a back-flip and an end zone dance."
**Conan O'Brien on STRANGE SIMILARITIES**
"In a recent interview Wayne Gretzky's wife said that sometimes when she's with her husband she feels like she's walking around with Michael Jackson. Meanwhile, Michael Jackson's wife says sometimes when she's with her husband she feels like she's walking around with Wayne Gretzky's wife."
**Conan O'Brien on HILLARY CLINTON**
"A radio station in Cincinnati is offering one million dollars to anyone who can prove she's had sex with president Clinton. And the weird thing is, due to rising legal bills, Hillary showed up."
**Conan O'Brien on CONFIDANTS**
"Yesterday Kenneth Starr's grand jury heard testimony from one of President Clinton's closest confidants. In other words: Charlie Sheen."
**Conan O'Brien on MICHAEL FLATELY**
"It's been reported that Michael Flately - 'The Lord Of The Dance' is retiring from dancing to pursue a career in acting. Which means in a few years he'll be known as the 'Lord Of The Infomercial.'"
**Conan O'Brien on FANNISH BEHAVIOR**
"Yesterday in Canada 5000 fans turned up to welcome home the gold medal Snowboarder who tested positive for marijuana. The turnout would have been a lot bigger, but a lot of his fans couldn't get off the couch."
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS by Jelli
CONAN
"If someone is picking on you and you're thinking of getting into a fight, don't. But if you do, use a stick or a board and try and hit them when they're not looking. Or, if they're asleep, even better."
ANDY
"Hey, if you're a TV sidekick and someone touches you a way you don't like, tell your host, and, if your host won't listen, tell your band-leader. Just tell someone."
MAX
"Hey, when you're out there having fun, remember, hookers are people too. Say, 'thank you' when you're done."
CONAN
"When you get your Jury summons in the mail, don't throw it out. Stamp deceased on it because Jury Duty is for nerds."
ANDY
"Having trouble in school? Maybe you're just not very smart. Why not drop out or go into Interstate trucking, because right now you're just plain embarrassing yourself."
MAX
"Kids don't hate naturally, they have to be taught. Start early."
CONAN
"You're driving late at night and you can't see very well. You hit something, or someone. What do you do? Get the hell out of there. Remember: it's your career that's on the line."
ANDY
"If you're a late night sidekick, and you don't like what a guest is saying: play it smart. Wait 'till they're not looking and spit in their drink. You'll be glad you did."
MAX
"Listen to me: there's nothing wrong with coming out of high school a virgin. Just make sure you take care of it your first week of college. Ok?"
CONAN
"It's three in the morning. Your term paper is due in six hours, and you haven't even started doing the reading for it yet. How are you going get that A? Easy. It's called bribery. So hit the cash machine, then get a good night's sleep. Because the world doesn't need another term paper, but, your professor could use a new stereo."
ANDY
"Your folks don't understand you. They don't ever let you do what you want, and it is getting worse all the time. Well there is a solution. Run away. You can go wherever you want to go, do whatever you want to do. Because the bottom line is - It's your life. Don't let it be ruined by a couple of middle-aged squares."
MAX
"There is nothing more unpredictable than an elevator. One minute you got total privacy, the next you are surrounded by strangers. So play it safe. Hit the emergency stop, then scratch you privates. You'll be glad you did."
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TEN REASONS THAT PROVE I LOVE CONAN by Jane D.
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
Stop me if you've heard this one. A promising young upstart lands a big appearance on a major late night television program. This upstart has risen amongst the ranks of his or her profession through years of struggle, disappointment, victory, and superior (or enhanced) genetics. Suddenly, they win an award or tournament and the possibilities before them are too great to pass up. Instantly, their minds race: After I'm on this show, the audience will see I'm more than just a gimmick performer. They'll see me for who I really am: a star, baby!! Brightest in the sky!! And then, right before this "big break", the brass ring is taken away. An honest mistake is not to blame. Either is an act of nature. No, this ballgame isn't called on account of rain. It's called off on account of stupidity.
Yeah--stupidity and Larry Law!! For those of you who haven't put it together yet, this week's (we never forget) FREAK OF THE WEEK has to be...none other than Shannon Hall.
I'm not an overly smart man, but I know what's right and wrong. Missing your booking on Late Night with Conan O'Brien isn't too good especially if you're stuck in the cooler for an extended amount of time. So, this former American Gladiator had to cancel two weeks ago because The Man came in and cracked down on an outstanding warrant from a few years back. Skeptical?
You bet I was; but not without reason. Let's just say that I doubted that Johnny Carson ever had to bump a guest because he spent the night comparing tattoos in the joint. Springer? Yes. Carson, no. Letterman, perhaps. Leno, definitely not. But that makes Conan America's Late Night Choice (TM).
Finally, with much more fanfare than ex-cons deserve, Shannon "Dallas" Hall made it to New York for a sit-down with Conan and the guys. And what did we learn outside of that Human Growth Hormone can be ingested as a delicious shake for breakfast, a delicious shake at lunch, and then a sensible dinner? That being in jail is funny--at least her story was.
Again, for those who missed it, Shannon's warrant was issued because she punked a guy in a bar who had said something uncool to her ex-fiancé. It made a great story and it sure was an interesting segment.
That having been said, am I the only person who thinks Conan acted a little shall-we-say trepidatious in the interview? Didn't you think he kind of was sitting back trying to take it all in for himself--the inanity of having to bump a guest who got arrested before the show? I did. And I don't blame him. Tough Woman contests are held--get this--between women who are actually tough fighters. Conan is not--he's admitted it on the air a thousand times. I'd be nervous, too. She is, after all, a criminal!
So here's Shannon Hall, a cross between fitness guru and shoutaholic Susan Powter and someone a little bigger, coming to the set and acting very...ladylike. Yes, that was my first impression. Graceful, even. No, really. She was buff and all but seemed to have a good sense about herself. She was very confident and extremely personable. Add in the fact that she can kick some ass and you have the total package. Not my package, mind you, but one of someone who was more interesting than I would have expected. And she can tell a story! And have I mentioned she can kick some serious ass?
And what about the fact that she's threatening me right now to write a lot of nice things about her or she's gonna beat me up? No? You're not buying it? Ever been in jail before? Changes a man. Women, too. You know what I'm saying.
Well, some things in this column are just not true. I'll leave it up to you Conaholics to decide. Myself, I'd start with that last bit.
It would be cool to see some kind of No Holds Barred match between Shannon Hall and Ken Shamrock, wouldn't it? And I don't have to tell you that my money's on my girl, Shannon, do I?
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UPCOMING GUESTS Feb. 23 - 27 1998
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC web site and is a provisional list, subject to change:
MONDAY, Feb. 23 (repeat of 11/13/97):
Matt Lauer
Lisa Rinna
James Ellroy
Conan's trip to Cologne and appearance on Die Harald Schmidt Show
TUESDAY, Feb. 24
Matthew Modine
Patty Loveless
WEDNESDAY, Feb. 25
Robert Duvall,
Bill Bellamy
THURSDAY, Feb. 26
Jane Seymour
Will Ferrell
Hanson
FRIDAY, Feb. 27
David Schwimmer
Kurt Loder
Ed Byrne
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NBC EUROPE VARIATION:
TUESDAY, Feb. 24 (repeat of 02/12/98):
Tom Sellek
Ana Gasteyr
Music from Alana Davis
Buried In The Back Pages
Triumph provides commentary as dogs from the "Westminster Dog Show" show off their talents.
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WEEK IN REVIEW Feb. 16 - 20 1998
MONDAY, Feb. 16 (repeat of 11/17/97):
Bill Murray
Ally Walker
Patti Smith
Pleasing The Affiliates
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on 20/20
TUESDAY, Feb. 17:
Tom Selleck
Ana Gasteyr
Alana Davis
Buried In The Back Pages
Triumph provides commentary as dogs from the "Westminster Dog Show" show off their talents.
WEDNESDAY, Feb. 18:
Ricki Lake
Allan Havey
David Brashirs
In The Year 2000
NBC Special Report: Conan has been shot!
THURSDAY, Feb. 19:
Rob Schneider promotes "hemp"
Tim Russert
"Nobody's Watching" so they all confess things.
Public Service Announcements
FRIDAY, Feb. 20
Billy Zane
Jason Priestley
Hepcat
Guests We'll Never Have Back
Madelaine Albright's Laser Eyes.
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Late Night's Mini-Series
by Nick Koroman
What a year 1995 was. Conan O'Brien was becoming more hot (and I mean popular), the critics were on his side, and his bits were clever and original. From this point to early 1996, Conan had some of his best "mini-series" as I like to call them. Let's take a look:
"Journey Past Midnight" -- Who could forget this four part series taking a look at backstage life? The best part was having a different person portray Max each time.
"Time Travel Week" -- Again, an idea so silly only Conan and Andy could pull it off effectively. All this while Jay and Dave give us the same old dull diatribe.
"Search For Grady" -- In my opinion, the funniest thing done on the show. The pyrotechnics entrance was GREAT!
So what happened after that? Although the bits continued to be a hit, the mini-series went downhill hard. First, the drive to get "Dirty Dancing" back to the big screen was lame. It had already been planned for the movie to be re-released which killed some of the humor for me, and I HATE Dirty Dancing. So that was a flop. Next we had the darkest episode in history: The dreaded Children's Episode which was an absolute disaster.
His newest incarnation, the "Ban Party Like it's 1999" Campaign, is so bad that it seems they've discontinued that particular segment.
What does Conan need to do to get his act together? I believe I know the answer. As a sequel to the "Search For Grady" -- he needs a "Search For Klinger!!!" That's right, bring Jamie Farr back from ambiguity and have a king's reception for him on the show. For those who question my reasoning, remember the New Year's Tributes in 1997? The first person pictured was Jamie Farr. Besides that, he has been mentioned at least two other times on the show (both times by Andy). So if any producers are reading this, please heed my advice and simply give me a small lump sum for my services. Thank you.
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END QUOTE
"Life gives you lemons -- you make some kind of fruity juice. I'm not good at sayings." - COB
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FYI
With thanks to Micah Honees, Nick Koroman, Robin, Jane, Liz Essary, Jelli, Bob, and Laurie.
Comments/Questions to me:
LACOB@AOL.COMPoll Response to:
LateNightPoll@hotmail.com