"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #02/15-011
Happy belated Valentines Day everyone! How was your week? Goood I hope. All is well in Conan country. I entered the "Badly Needed Spring Break" contest this week, and I received an email reply telling me all the Jay Leno FAQ I ever wanted to know (and I didn't). At first I thought, "Cheeky krunkers". I thought that they were using Conan's competition to advertise Jay Leno among Conan fans! It turns out it was just a mistake, NBC's John Knox told me, quote, 'That's just a plain ol' screw up. I asked for a mail-box to be created and it resides on the same mail server that hosts the Tonight Show e-mail. By mistake, the creator of the mailbox set it up to send out the same auto-reply." He also said they would sort out that little problem!
Ryan Nelson sent in some things he was thinking about when he was watching Late Night, and while I was reading it I had my own thoughts. I don't know if this has ever been brought up before by anyone, but I was thinking about Polly the NBC Peacock. Polly is a girl's name, right? The NBC Peacock has it's tail feathers extended. Only male peacocks do this with their tails (it's how they attract a mate). I think Polly the Peacock might really be a guy. Whaddaya think??? If you've got your own thoughts on things on Late Night that don't quite add up send them on in.
I really hope that more people will take the time to respond to the Late Night Poll this week. Usually around 25 - 40 people vote and that's not even one tenth of the readers. C'mon people this is a chance for all the non-writers out there to get their opinions out. Let's get it awn!
LA Gallacher
Editor and Swedish Film Director
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CONTENTS
DEAR DIZZA
FIRST THOUGHTS OF THE DAY by Ryan Nelson
LATE NIGHT POLL
LIVE@6A from Lisa M. Pugliese
CONOLOGUE JOKES by Robin Banks
SO YOU WERE ALONE THIS VALENTINES DAY...
TEN THINGS THAT PROVE I LOVE LATE NIGHT by Audrey
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS Feb. 16 - 20
WEEK IN REVIEW Feb. 9 - 13
END QUOTE
FYI
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DEAR DIZZA
Dear Dizza is recognized and accepted as a somewhat skilled counsellor for Late Night Addiction. Her experience includes, but is not limited to, weeks of intense education and training in coping with the devastating but fun effects of Late Night Addiction, which she herself openly admits to having.
Her advice is sought out by thousands (well, at least sixteen people anyway, but potentially it's thousands) and she welcomes your pathetic cries for help as she "leads you down the Conaningly-crazed path to a happier-yet wackier future!"
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Dear Dizza,
I love your column. My Sunday routine begins by stuffing my face with a big bowl of Conie O's and kicking back with "I Said Nee-Ha". I head straight for the Dear Dizza column. You inspire me to such heights of greatness.
As you can probably can tell by now I am a typical fan of Late Night with much too much time on my hands so I'd like to find out the best Late night activities in NYC. Wahoo- make it wild. I need it to be "legally too much fun."
From Mark O'ComeOnLet'sGetLateNightCrazy
Dear Mark O'ComeOn,
"Legally too much fun", huh? O.K., you asked for it. Here's the top choices for best Late Night activities in New York City:
1. Come dress up like a daisy and dance with us Late Night fans on the Brooklyn Bridge.
2. Join us in an old fashioned staring contest every Sunday in Central Park at 2 p.m. Eye muscle warm-ups begin promptly at 1:30 p.m.
3. Order tickets from NBC to see a taping of Andy's talk show ANDI. Being in that audience is an experience you'll never forget!!
4. Meet us at the Virgin Mega Store (Music Store) and join in the protest march for not stocking Conan's "Late Night Cowboy" CD. Make sure you know all the words to that great song so you can sing with us, "I go blah.....You go blah......We go blah-blah blah-blah yakkety yak......"
5. Visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art and have fun getting thrown out when they catch you copying Conan and Andy's style of critiquing famous works of art!
6. Want some exciting "nightlife"? Meet us at a pre-arranged location wearing a black robe and we'll all shine flashlights in our faces to see what life will be like "IN THE YEAR 2000."
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Dear Dizza,
Any recommendations on how I can control my inner hostility against the cruel society that controls our every move?
Hostile Hank in Houston
Dear Hostile Hank,
Contact your local cable company and demand the "Punch Someone In The Face" channel. That will help to release some of your aggression! Good luck!
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Dear Dizza,
I think Jimmy Vivino of the Max Weinberg7 is totally H.O.T.T. Hot!!!!!!
I keep dreaming that I am alone with him in a small rowboat on a lake. He is playing a beautiful guitar and singing to me. Do you think this is O.K.?
Sincerely Yours,
Just Jimmy 4 Evuh
Dear Just Jimmy,
Actually, NO......I don't think this type of dream is O.K. So change it quick. Make the "small" rowboat big enough for a LARGE GROUP OF THE REST OF US. Then please move over and make some room for me!
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Dear Dizza,
Any thoughts on what Conan will be pursuing five or ten years from now?
An Enquiring Mind from the middle of nowhere
Dear Enquiring Mind,
Good question. Hopefully Conan will fulfil the goals he has set for himself which he mentioned in his AOL Chats. So my bet is that in five or ten years we'll find him "pursuing his real passion: Jazzercize" ...... and "not resting until he has his own line of leisure-wear."
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Got yourself a moral dilemma? Are you desk demented? Do you suffer from chronic Late Night distraction? Dear Dizza has all the answers.
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FIRST THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:
Meditations while watching Late Night
By Ryan Nelson
These are thoughts I've had over the five years I've watched Late Night.
They're not necessarily funny just thoughts. I thought I'd share them with you.
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LATE NIGHT POLL
Last week inspired by love and all things that are sweet and fluffy I asked you to tell me who you would be sending a valentine's card to this year. The voting went well, with Conan -- the leader of the pack coming up top with 62% of the votes.
62% Conan O'Brien
12% Andy Richter
12% Brian McCann
10% Max Weinberg
4% Others, including, Carl "Oldy" Olson, Jimmy Vivino, La Bamba, The Shirtless Moron and Stacy.
Here are some of your replies.
I would send my card to either Conan, Andy, or Pimp bot. Pimp bot doesn't get all the credit he deserves. But, I think Conan and Andy deserve valentines too. - Rachel
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I would send a valentine to Brian McCann. He is so hilarious and I love it when he is in the comedy bits. "Its about 10 below here and you know what that means, Conan. Rock hard party nipples!!!!!" --Brian McCann as Jack McAdams central time zone corresponding reporter. - L.P.Larson
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This year I'm sending a valentine to the man himself CONAAAAN
O' BRIIIIIIIIEN! (I'm not really sending it, I don't want to get on that weird fan mail list) He's my valentine this year b/c he is;
1) cute (in a string-bean kinda way)
2) sexy (rowl)
3) and intelligent (in a smart-ass sence)
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY CONAN- (hope you 'get it on' with someone you love) - Anglfoxxxx
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CONAN IS MY VALENTINE !!! Is there even a contest??? - Janet
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I am sending my valentine to Conan O'Brien.. one of the two sexiest men alive!!!!!!! - Amy S
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Mines going to Conan....what a hottie. - Doreen
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I definitely want to send a valentine to Conan. I'll spare Andy, since he's married. (I technically believe that Conan is still fair game.) and I'll be sending an extra special valentine to Andy's little sister, Stacey, because I think she could really use the lovin'. (even if it's coming from a total stranger who happens to be female.) - Shannon
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Everyone there will get one...(If I remember to send them out on time), But Conan gets the real Hallmark Gold Crown card. *Sigh* The fact that he's waayyy out of my league doesn't mean anything does it? In the words of Stacey: "Without her, you wouldn't realize that I am your True, Ultimate soul-mate." A Girl Can Dream, Can't She? - Tracy
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This week for Late Night Poll I would like you to form an orderly line (no pushing you lot at the back) and make your way to the newly revamped Late Night website. Take your time, browse a little and then come back and tell me exactly what you thought of it. What did you like about it? What did you not like? What could be improved?
Go to the site:
http://www.nbc.com/conanSend your reply before Friday to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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LIVE@6A from Lisa M. Pugliese
This is my experience at NBC Studios Wednesday, December 31, 1997.
My mother, cousin, and I arrived at NBC Studios at 12:50. I couldn't remember where we were supposed to stand on line so we asked a guy behind a desk. He pointed to the NBC store and to show up at 4:00. We ate lunch at Television City and went back to the lobby. I saw people on line so I asked a girl what she was online for and she said, "Conan O'Brien," we got on line right then. My mom was really mad that the guy lied to us. We were on-line at 2:00.At 3:30 the page came around and asked us our names. I got my tickets and ran to the bathroom. (I shouldn't have had those two Mountain Dews.) At 3:45, 3 guys cut in line.
Apparently they were with the girl in the front. At 4:00 the page let the first 10 people do through the metal detector. I was the eleventh person. While we were waiting for the page to let us through, 8 more people got on the line to go through the metal detectors. The page said nothing. Ten minutes later I went through the metal detector with no problem. My mom set it off. We got on the elevator with 6 other people and waited on line upstairs until 5:20 when we were allowed to enter the studio. I sat on the bands' side in the second row about 7 seats over from the left. [I was on TV =-)]
We waited about 10 minutes then the warm-up guy came out. (Is his name Mike Sweeney? I forgot.) He did the usual warm-up jokes (worst college, hometowns.) Then he asked if there were any questions. One guy asked why people don't ride cows. I don't remember what his response was.
He asked if there were anymore questions. I waved my hand around. He said, "Yes, you?"
I asked, "Do you like Milk?"
"Is that pertaining to the cow question?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Yes, I do like Milk."
"Oh. That's good, 'cause it's white and it has protein."
"Protein?"
"And calcium."
"Calcium."
"And it builds strong bones."
"Really. That's great. Do you have a gun pointed to your head?"
"I'm really enthused! I'm revved up!!! Whoo! It's Conan!"
"How old are you?"
"Sixteen."(He believed me. I'm only 14.)
"Sixteen? Who are you here with.?
"My mom and my cousin." (At this point my mom is trying to hide.)
"Your mom doesn't seem too happy."
He looked to my cousin, "Are you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah," she replied.
"Well you should be. It's New Years' eve! We should all be revved up!"
Then he introduced the band. They played a few songs. Then he introduced Conan. He came out and started sing. He picked a girl to dance with. At the end she tried to shake his hand, and he hugged her. (Everyone was like, "awwww")
He then introduced Andy and went on about New Years' Eve. Someone in the back screamed out, "Are you giving us beer?"
Andy said, "You should have brought your own."
Conan shouted, "Who here has liquor? "
A guy raised his hand.
"Security, arrest this man. Who else has liquor? " Asked Conan.
"Me, I do! " I said.
Conan looked at me and walked away. The show started.
After the show I wanted to get a cue card. I went up to the page to ask him. He said there wasn't any left. I said, "thank you anyway," and turned to leave when he gave me one. Then we left.
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CONOLOGUE JOKES by Robin Banks
**Conan O'Brien on THE OLYMPICS**
"So far the American team has not won a single medal at the Olympics in Japan. On the bright side the American team has won several karaoke contests."
**Conan O'Brien on OSCARS**
"The Oscar nominations were announced today, they weren't actually announced--they were just leaked to the press by Kenneth Starr."
**Conan O'Brien on YELTSIN**
"Yesterday Boris Yeltsin met with Pope John Paul II. Reportedly their meeting got off to an awkward start when Yeltsin said, 'You know, sometimes when I drink I put on a funny hat too.'"
**Conan O'Brien on KATHIE LEE**
"Yesterday on her talk show Kathie Lee Gifford told a story about Cody walking in on Frank and her having sex. Kathie Lee went on to say, 'it was strange, I'm usually the one walking in on Frank having sex.'"
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON**
"A retired secret service agent now says President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky were once alone in the Oval office for 40 minutes. When asked about it the President said, 'That's ridiculous, what would we have been doing for the other 37 minutes?'"
**Conan O'Brien on KENNETH STARR**
"It was reported that next fall Kenneth Starr's daughter is going to attend Stamford University with Chelsea Clinton. Not only that, but Starr's daughter has already accused Chelsea of having an illegal hot-plate in her dorm room."
**Conan O'Brien on THE SNOWBOARDER GUY**
"Yesterday in the Olympics a Canadian Snowboarder who tested positive for marijuana denied that he smoked pot while Snowboarding. Then he looked down and said, 'Hey, where's my other ski?'"
**Conan O'Brien on VALENTINE'S DAY**
"The average florist in New York City raises the price of roses by 64% on Valentine's day. If you think that's bad, you should see how much the hookers charge."
**Conan O'Brien on NOMINATIONS**
"Nelson Mandela and the Pope were among 130 people nominated for the Nobel peace prize. Teenage girls are upset because there's 130 people nominated and not one of them is Leonardo DiCaprio."
**Conan O'Brien on THE SNOWBOARDER AGAIN**
"The Canadian Snowboarder who tested positive for drugs is not gonna have his gold medal taken away after all. Not only that, but during the medal ceremony they're gonna play 'Freebird.'"
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SO YOU WERE ALONE THIS VALENTINES DAY...
By Scott Land
Well another Valentines' Day had passed yet again and you are all alone. The only card proclaiming bold 'I love yous' was sent to you by your mom. Well don't feel so bad about it. Put down those Cheetos and instead try to focus on the more positive things about the lack of romance in your life.
Think of all the people who shared their first date on Valentine's day:
Klaus and Ida Hitler 1883
William and Lorraine Manson 1926
Mr. and Mrs. Michael Bolton, Sr. 1948
Just think about it for a minute girls, you didn't have to spend the night out on a date making inane small talk with some boring loser who wants to talk about football all night or worse, --what his favorite desert ever was. "Wanna hear about the greatest desert ever? It's the watermellon ice cream roll from Friendly's. Get this. They spell it w-a-t-t-a. Wattamellon ice cream with chocolate chips. It is awesome."
Ughhh, can you imagine!?! And, guys, you too, at least you didn't end up on a date with some boring-chatterbox-date, who just loves to talk about the latest line in funky-footwear, or worse -- what her favorite ever desert was. "Wanna hear about the greatest desert ever? It's the watermellon ice cream roll from Friendly's. Get this. They spell it w-a-t-t-a. Wattamellon ice cream with chocolate chips. It is awesome." Getting the picture yet?
Not only were you lucky enough to have missed out on those depressing scenarios. Thanks to your non-existent romantic endeavours you never put yourself at risk of catching any of the 'new-sexually-transmitted-diseases' that are going around. Think of the humiliation and social stigma that comes with contracting diseases such as:-
The terrifying and hugely embarrassing 'Nipplepsy' -that's where your nipples vibrate furiously without any warning and it's almost impossible to hide. If you've got it --people are gonna know about it.
The dreaded 'Moss Crack' --sort of self explaining that one. It's painful and embarrassing. Sitting down becomes really uncomfortable. And because it's totally natural, and mossy, expect animals to want to smell you more. You can hide it, but it can make your butt look twice as big. It's no way to impress anyone.
The worst of all, 'Humming Groin' --this is probably the most common of the 'new-sexually-transmitted-diseases.' Point a microphone at this baby and it, well, it hums. Loudly. Just think of the shame it would cause if it began to hum in an ordinary situation. You're at the bank or the Post Office, you're in line when suddenly your groin starts humming a near perfect version of 'Happy Days Are Here Again' or worse. Think about it!
So you never repeated the mistakes of the couples mentioned, check. You missed out on that boring date, check. You never caught a sexually transmitted disease, check. And as a bonus you also never supported the cruelties in the floral world or gave in to the commercialism of Hallmark, the company who invented (allegedly) all those emotions we all know and love. You did good! So being alone this Valentine's Day wasn't really that bad, was it? Now, could you pass me those Cheetos dahling?
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TEN THINGS THAT PROVE I LOVE LATE NIGHT by Audrey
1. I crack up each time I watch the NBC Public Service Announcements.
2. I have a strange 'potatoes with green milk' fetish.
3. I try to be a polite person so saying "Krunk" really, really helps me get through the day
4. My brown highlights turn red in the sunlight
5. I'm growing red hairs out of my black hair (seriously!!)
6. I look at the bottom of the TV screen when I'm watching old The Simpsons reruns just to catch a glimpse of Conan's sweet, sweet name.
7. I'm a lot more cheerful, happy, and easy-going now.
8. I force my tired, droopy eyelids to stay open just to see Conan, Andy, and Max--THE BEST trio!
9. My "Favorite Places" folder is chock-full of Late Night with Conan O'Brien web sites--I've even tracked down a page with Conan's father's work on it!
10. I have 2 disks full of Late Night pictures (courtesy of Quinn).
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
Gentlemen: say it with me one time. Rebecca Romaine. Ahhhhh. OK, I know she spells it Romijn (or something close to this) but to me, the phonetic lettuce spelling will always be the way to go.
How many of you out there got your copy of this newsletter and were actually excited to see that on Thursday, February 5 that Rebecca Romaine was going to return to The Scene of the Crime; Late Night with Conan O'Brien? Were you like me? Did you spend the day at work (or school, or jail...) thinking about what in the hell our man Conan was going to do when he was again face-to-face with the woman that he considers to be the hottest of all of the supermodels? I sure did.
And what did we get? A payoff. While Conan conducted himself a little more professionally (you know he's been needled behind the scenes unmercifully after her first appearance), it was still a lot of great fun. Millions of viewers across America and Europe (Asia too) actually got to eavesdrop in on a second date!! To the best of my recollection, he only rowled twice, which was a bit of a let down because that always makes me bust a gut.
But let's all face the REAL issue here. While I understand Conan has a girlfriend and all and we sure as heck don't want dear, sweet Rebecca to be any kind of home-wrecker. By a show of hands, who amongst our readership can admit to being just more than a little shocked to discover that dear, sweet Rebecca is engaged to John Stamos, TV's Uncle Jesse? What is it with the dudes from "Full House"? Do they get all the hot chicks? Am I going to open up USA TODAY some morning at work to find that Cindy Crawford is engaged to Bob Saget... or worse, that guy who played Uncle Joey?? I hope not. And why is it that I know so much about "Full House" when I have admitted in the past to knowing absolutely nothing about other TV shows like the one Richard "Clooney's best pal" Kind was on? Isn't THAT strange?
Anyway, I would like to proclaim to our readership that Conan is indeed the funniest guy ever, even if he did look a little deflated as dear, sweet Rebecca renounced the (acknowledged) natural chemistry that exists between O'Brien and Rebecca...for a guy who sits around the house waiting for his "cash cow" to come home. That's sweet. Almost a sugary as a Very Special Episode of "Full House."
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UPCOMING GUESTS Feb. 16 - 20
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC web site and is a provisional list, subject to change:
MONDAY, Feb. 16 (repeat of 11/17/97):
Bill Murray
Ally Walker
Patti Smith
TUESDAY, Feb. 17:
Alana Davis
WEDNESDAY, Feb. 18:
Ricki Lake
THURSDAY, Feb. 19:
To Be Arranged
FRIDAY, Feb. 20:
Billy Zane
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WEEK IN REVIEW - Feb. 9 - 13 1998
MONDAY, Feb. 9 (repeat of 3/13/97):
Howard Stern,
Lolita Davidovich,
Freedy Johnston,
CLUTCH CARGO: Bill Clinton/ Al Gore - he really was wasted/ Ted Kennedy/ Arnie/ Billy Bob the guy from Slingblade and the guy from Shine/ Jabba The Hut/ Don King/ Dolly (Cloned Sheep).
Howard Stern shows a clip from his show with Conan and The Jackie Puppet.
Max is jealous of the Smashing Pumpkins
TUESDAY, Feb. 10:
Roma Downey
Shannon Hall
Comedian Warren Hutchison
Actual Items
Joel Gets Depressed.
WEDNESDAY, Feb, 11:
Bob Costas
Louis C.K.
Salt-N-Pepa
Staring Contest, Andy loses when Max holds up a card that said, "I MAKE TWICE AS MUCH MONEY AS ANDY."
THURSDAY, Feb. 12:
John Tesh
Darrell Hammond
Matt Kingfield
A look at the work of previous Late Night directors, including someone who's speciality was Hunting and Fishing programs, another Hot Young Director Straight Out Of Film School, and a horribly depressed Swedish Director.
1st Annual Win A Valentine's Day Date With Conan O'Brien Contest
FRIDAY, Feb. 13:
Adam Sandler
Marlon Wayans
Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Valentine's Day memories
Party McNarty and Friends
NBC EUROPE VARIATION:
TUESDAY, Feb. 10 (repeat of 11/13/97):
Matt Lauer
Lisa Rinna
James Ellroy
Conan's trip to Cologne and appearance on Die Harald Schmidt Show
Instant Viewer Feedback Phone calls
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END QUOTE
"St. Valentine's Day is the second biggest holiday when it comes to sales of women's lingerie. The day with highest sales is J. Edgar Hoover Day." - COB
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FYI
Thanks to: Dizza, Lisa Pugliese (Woo-hoo six weeks later), Robin, Audrey, Ryan Nelson, Laurie, John Knox, Micah Honees and everyone who voted in the poll last week.
Apologies to: the people who put up with my mid-week grumblings about AOL after they never received last weeks issue.
Comments and queries to moi:
LACOB@aol.comYour Late Night Poll response to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com