"I SAID NEE-HA!"
The Unofficial Late Night With Conan O'Brien Newsletter #02/08-010
Hola people! Welcome to the 10th issue of "NEE-HA!"--how time flies, I can't believe we're doing the tenth issue already. So how was your week? Did everyone rush out to buy a copy of Conan's new video, "Conan O'Brien's Awkward Silences"? Some of it is painful to watch--I legally had to take three breaks to watch soccer during it. I've told the Late Night Addicts and I'll tell everyone else now, I heard a crazy rumor that the next big video release from Late Night will be entitled "Guests Who Ignored Andy"-- it's supposed to over 5 hours long. Will it make it to a store near you? Don't watch this space.
CHEERS go to Late Night for finding a valid excuse to revive Bob Dole on clutch cargo--I bow to you! JEERS go to Mr. Conan O'Brien for calling Tony Blair the "Prime Minister of England" during that same comedy skit. You went and insulted your Scottish, Welsh and N. Irish fans, when you said that pal.
Andy Richter is giving his talk on "How To Be A Talk Show Sidekick and Other Worthless Crap" tonight at the Singletary Center for the Arts at the University of Kentucky in Lexington. They are expecting a huge crowd of around 1500 people--depending on the weather. Next week we should have the full story on that from Jonathan Piercy who organized the whole entire thing and has been trudging through awful weather spreading the Andy gospel all week.
We have the final part of the swell and swanky PLAYBOY interview for you this week. Again, I have no intention of infringing the copyright of this fine upstanding magazine.
Since Thursday's show I haven't been able to get Bob Dole's new campaign song out of my head. Let's all sing along before reading any further... "Let's all pay for a time machine and this time vote for Dole. Let's all climb into that time machine and this time vote for Dole. We're gonna get into that time machine, so crawl back in your hole..." I say neeeeeee-haaaaaaa! OK enough of that have a good week and let's get it awn!
LA Gallacher
Editor and Monica Leflinsky's Attorney
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CONTENTS (part 1)
COMPETITION NEWS
LATE NIGHT POLL
LIVE@6A from Brooke (part 2)
MONOLOGUE JOKES by Robin Banks
SONGBOOK: Late Night song from Kristen
TEN REASONS I LOVE ANDY RICHTER! From Kerrie Collins
THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
UPCOMING GUESTS - Feb. 9 - 13
WEBSITE REVIEW by Quinn
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CONTENTS (part 2)
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW (part 3) by Kevin Cook
WEEK IN REVIEW - Feb 2 - 6
END QUOTE
FYI
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COMPETITION NEWS
"the Late Night badly-needed spring-break contest"
Check this out at the new (unimproved) Late Night Web site. It doesn't really give much away or tell you where the winner of the "spring-break trip" will go to. It says: "Starting from Monday, February 9th, you'll have the opportunity to tell Conan why you deserve--no, make that NEED -- an awesome spring break trip."
I'm already making a list of why I deserve to win and I think it's in the bag. Good luck everyone and go pick up all the details and all the info you need to win at: http://www.nbc.com/conan/
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LATE NIGHT POLL
Last week I asked you to tell me what your least favorite image was as seen on Late Night. What really disgusted you? Late Night is pretty well known for having some weird and unusual images and you didn't disappoint in coming up with some of your least fav.
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34% "The Sphincter Cowboy"
28% "Hungry Eyes"
21% "Guests We'll never have back"
10% "A man vomiting during a good old-fashioned "Staring Contest"
7% Others
Here's what you said about them:
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HUNGRY EYES:
"When Andy said that he had had a dream about hungry eyes I couldn't get the image out of my head for weeks." - Kelly
"I want to vote for "Hungry Eyes". I agree with you when you said it was gross." - Lesley
"I can't believe you brought that up after all this time. I had just about got that krunking image out of my head." - Dez H
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THE SPHINCTER COWBOY:
"I can't imagine anything more disturbing than that." - Nick
"This was the most vile thing I have ever seen." - Jane K
"I thought it was both imaginative and funny, but it still grossed me out." - Leo
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GUESTS WE'LL NEVER HAVE BACK:
"The woman who looked like she was eating a cockroach. Yuk. That was horrible. I'm a vegetarian and I can't stand watching people eat dead animals on any level, but a LIVE cockroach, I thought I would barf on the spot." - Melani
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My least favorite image from Late Night is also my least favorite of all time, out of everything I've ever seen in my life. It's from a really old show, from a skit about Conan's childhood summer camp. He went through an old trunk pulling out souvenirs from the camp, such as a pair of his underwear, a Dick Cavett doll, and the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. It was a large piece of his sunburned skin that he had peeled off back then. It included what was clearly an ear, and a long strip of skin attached to it. They showed a close-up of it, and it was all yellow and crusty, and had little hairs coming out of it. I can't think about it without becoming sick to my stomach - it's the most disgusting thing I've *EVER* seen!!! - Brooke
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I think the most disgusting image I ever saw in the history of LNCOB was when they had a bottle of Max's bath water for Andy to drink. It was truly disgusting - Rachel
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STARING CONTEST:
During staring contest with the girl in the bikini with the mould round the edge of her suit. Eewwww! - GovtAlien
"I want to vote for the vomit guy in the staring contest. I was eating a yoghurt at the time that was on. I almost barfed." - Robin Banks
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Now, he shouldn't be reduced to eat lizard's heads, like any old carny geek...That's all in his past! (Kidding, of course)
*Tracey*
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Uh, didn't John Tesh perform some of his 'music' on the show once? That was pretty gross. - Shannon
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OK people this week's question for the late Night Poll. It's February--the season of luuuuuurrrve, and all swanky things like that, the so-called most romantic month of the year. Who at Late Night are you sending a Valentine card to?
Conan O'Brien
Andy Richter
Max Weinberg
Someone else in the band
Carl 'Oldy' Olsen
Someone else on Late Night???
Send your answers before Friday 13 to: LateNightPoll@hotmail.com
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LIVE@6A
"My Amazing Adventure in New York - Part 2" by Brooke
The Backstage Adventure: A friend of my family knows someone who works at NBC, so one night, he took us on a private tour of the Rockefeller studios. We all went to the Saturday Night Live Studio, and I went up on the stage, and we looked around. We also went to the Rosie O'Donnell and Dateline sets, and to the main control room. But my favorite by far was the set of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien."
First, I just sort of soaked it all in with a feeling of awe. Conan's desk and chair were gone (darn!) because they were repairing the ceiling above it. But I sat in Andy's chair (my parents were taking pictures all this time), and it was relatively comfortable! I also stood on Conan's star.
Meanwhile, my friend had found something interesting in the audience section. It was Dino's copy of the script of the Kiss-Ass Turkey skit!!! So she gathered it up and gave it to me. It's strange - there appear to be two versions on the various pieces of paper, some of which were taped to the back of one of the seats.
Then was the really fun part. I walked backstage, through the little door that Conan comes out of every night. It's actually a chain link cage with a door. Inside the small room is the cue card guy's desk, a large closet, filing cabinets, and such. I was too scared to go past this room, because I was afraid that I'd encounter a crew-member (maybe even Conan) and get yelled at! But I looked around. My dad started looking through the stacks of scripts, each of which had the cartoon Conan face printed on it. I told him not to, and he stopped. The walls were covered with articles about Conan, including the one from "Parade" magazine, which was recent at that time. There was also a strange picture of a handprint with a few digits from the middle finger missing. I still don't know what that is.
Above the cue card guy's desk were two cue cards. One said something like, "Our next guest is a total bitch. She's also in an urn with cigarette butts and assorted ashes. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bette Davis!" The other says some boring message about "Welcome to the edge!" There's also a book called something like, "The Illustrated Guide to Weird Rumors About Richard Gere" propped against the wall. My dad took a picture of me in front of all these, and when I looked at the picture, I noticed another card tucked away that said "If you don't watch until the end of the show, you'll get Salmonella!"
Then my mom came and yelled at us, and sadly, it was time to leave. But I'll never forget that time, and I'm just glad I can share it with all of you! One more thing: the brand of water that they drink at the show is "Poland Springs."
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MONOLOGUE JOKES by Robin Banks
**Conan O'Brien on AL GORE**
"In the past two weeks President Clinton's approval rating has gone up 13 points. So today Al Gore announced he's gonna kick off his presidential campaign by sleeping with an intern."
**Conan O'Brien on THE BIG MYSTERY**
"Jimmy Carter was hospitalized for the treatment of a mysterious rash. Carter said the mysterious part is why he has the rash and not President Clinton."
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON'S LOG**
"According to the new York Times, Kenneth Starr and his team are now examining the Whitehouse log to see how many times Monica Lewinsky visited. When he heard about it President Clinton said, 'Come on this whole thing started with someone examining my Whitehouse log.'"
**Conan O'Brien on CLINTON'S SCORECARD**
"According to new reports Monica Lewinsky visited the Whitehouse 37 times after her internship ended. When asked about it the President said, 'Thirty-seven times! Well that's pretty good for a fifty-year-old guy.'"
**Conan O'Brien on NUDITY**
"An item in President Clinton's new budget would prevent people from going nude at a federal beach in Florida. However, nudity will be allowed at the Whitehouse on 'Casual Fridays.'"
**Conan O'Brien on TYSON**
"It's been reported that yesterday Mike Tyson slapped Don King and kicked him in the face several times. A spokesman for the Nevada boxing commission said, 'This is the exact kind of behavior that could get Tyson reinstated in boxing.'"
**Conan O'Brien on TONY BOY**
"British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife arrived at the Whitehouse for a state visit. The first thing Blair did was remind President Clinton that he and his wife don't swing."
**Conan O'Brien on UNWANTED OFFERS** "Former Surgeon General C. Everett Coupe (sp?) has turned down an offer to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Coupe said, 'It's a nice gesture, but I'm still alive.'"
**Conan O'Brien on STUFFED ANIMALS**
"A toy company is introducing a new talking stuffed animal named "Furbie" that sings, dances, and has a 400 word vocabulary. Apparently it's fashioned after Tony Danza."
**Conan O'Brien on GATES**
"Yesterday at a meeting in Belgium Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was hit in the face with a cream pie. At first Gates was very upset and then he remembered he has 38 billion dollars."
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SONGBOOK: Late Night Song by Kristen
His name is Conan. He's on on weekdays.
I wonder if he wears polka-dot PJs.
He's the nicest person in the world,
His side-kick Andy's hair is curled.
I think that he is real swell,
Some people don't, but they're going to Hell.
Dr. Ruth said he'd be good in bed,
but I think it just went straight to his head.
'Cause now he works the streets for Pimpbot,
but people just laugh and throw trash at him a lot.
When Kathie Lee is on she turns into Satan.
Conan has pictures of celebs babies if they were matin!!
Andy's Summer Blockbuster Movie was "Spacewhore."
Conan's height is six feet four!
Once they visited their old set.
They sold it for $50, 'cause that's all they could get.
There's a channel called MAX ON MAX.
Hey, what ever happened to the cereal Apple Jacks?
Max lies to dress up like a sheep girl.
Does Conan know a guy named Merl?
So now you know the show everyone's fussin' 'bout.
I think Conan might have a case of the gout!
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TEN REASONS I LOVE ANDY RICHTER!
From Kerrie Collins
1. I'm a huge fan of Late Night, but especially Andy Richter. I got a nice letter from him and a signed photograph.
2. I think Andy is the funniest of him and Conan. He's quiet, but when he does talk it's to say something funny rather than to just open his cake hole and let anything come out.
3. He's the cutest!
4. He lost weight. 50-pounds, then he gained another 20-pounds. I think he looks great whatever he weighs.
5. He's the most huggable man in the world.
6. He looks great in KISS make up.
7. He's a talented actor. His part in 'Cabin Boy' was excellent. HE was the best thing in that movie - the rest of it sucked out loud.
8. He's a smart dresser. He's always in vogue. On his interview on that other show at 11:30 on another evil network, he wore a black suit, with an orange jumper and a white T-shirt and he looked H.O.T.T.
9. His remotes are cool.
10. He's just so the bomb! Right, don't argue with me over this. I know I'm right!!!!!!!!
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Have you made up your own top ten list? Send it in to LACOB@AOL.com
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THE BONE OF CONTENTION by Micah Honees
This week's FREAK OF THE WEEK (in case you thought I forgot) is a man who knows a lot about freaks--he's literally KNEE DEEP in them every weekday; check your local listings. Ladies and gentlemen...Jerry Springer!!!
Now Jerry's appearance on Late Night was not freaky in any way, shape, or form. In fact, Ol' Jer was pretty chilled out. He was soft-spoken to the point of barely being audible. Jerry seemed to me to be more than a little tentative about the entire interview; almost if he was wondering what he was walking in to. And he shouldn't have been nervous. It was pretty clear Conan and Andy were happy he was on.
My intentions here are not to defend Jerry Springer or the kind of people who appear on his show, even though we probably can all agree that if a big enough twister hit a big enough trailer park that Jerry's empire would fold quicker than an "All You Can Eat" buffet when Roseanne and her cool fat ex-husbands roll into town. I see the show once in a while on Talk Soup weekend edition on the E! Channel. I miss the weekday shows because, dammit, I have a job and they expect me to show up.
I have seen the video, though. It's been passed around work and I have a dubbed copy on my desk as I write this. And you know what? It is absolutely funny as hell. The part they showed on Late Night does no justice to the video. What do you like? Catfights? Got 'em; including one where one woman actually rips hair out of the head of another guest. Nakedness? Got that, too. A girl rubbing condiments all over herself? You betcha.
I guess what I am saying is that we should all wake up and admit the truth--this stuff is fun to watch. Freaks are everywhere...and Jerry's got them. It's hard to watch all the way through (some of it does get repetitive) but in a group of friends who are having a good time (being drunk probably helps), Jerry Springer's "Too Hot for TV" video will make people forget that you're running out of chips and adult beverages. Borrow it from someone today.
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UPCOMING GUESTS - Feb. 9 - 13 1998
The list of upcoming guests came from the NBC web site and is a provisional list, subject to change:
MONDAY, Feb. 9 (repeat of 3/13/97):
Howard Stern,
Lolita Davidovich,
Freedy Johnston
TUESDAY, Feb. 10:
Darrell Hammond
Shannon Hall (maybe:-))
WEDNESDAY, Feb, 11:
Bob Costas
Louis C.K.
Salt-N-Pepa
THURSDAY, Feb. 12:
Paul Simon
FRIDAY, Feb. 13:
Adam Sandler
Marlon Wayans
Kenny Wayne Shepherd
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NBC EUROPE VARIATIONS:
TUESDAY, Feb 10 (repeat of 11/13/97):
NBC Today Show anchor Matt Lauer,
Melrose Place actress Lisa Rinna
Author James Ellroy.
Conan's trip to Cologne (Aftershaven), Germany.
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WEBSITE REVIEW by Quinn
This week's review: "Letters to Conan O'Brien." Not just any letters, though. Weird doesn't begin to describe the seven (by their count) e-mails sent to various members of the Late Night staff from August 1996-November 1997 in a desperate attempt to get on the show that borders on stalking. Since these are beyond description, I think instead I will give you an excerpt:
"Guess what! We're not really students! We're disgruntled postal workers! We're sick of all the damn fan mail! "Oh Conan!" "The Conester!" "Late Night with Conan O'Brien!" You know all the letters that were yellow? Yeah, well, we pissed on 'em! Put the match away! NO! You're not starting this sucker on fire! It's not flammable like the others! We're sorry, those were our other, slightly psychotic personalities, Bill and Bob. Back to the Point! OUCH! (dear god, please, stop!) Wait, we don't have one!"
Um...yeah. This page actually has very little to do with Conan, but if you ever need to remind yourself that you're probably *not* the craziest person out there, this is the site for you.
Being the responsible reporter that I am, I thought it would be only fair to get an explanation from the 2-3 (their numbers vary) girls who perpetrated this whole thing. Here was the reply:
"Ello,
Hmmm...why we wrote the show. That takes me through a very scary and probably insane journey into my mind, Lisa's mind, and Christine's mind. Scary prospect. I don't know why we wrote the show. Lisa and I were on the phone one night during the summer after our sophomore year in high school, watching Late Night, and we just decided to write. Okay, I take that back. Lisa decided to write and I, commanded to get some paper and write her dictations, aided and abetted this venture. As it turned out the letters were equally laden with comments from both of us.
We love the show, we wanted to write, wanted to share the insanity the show inspired. And we wanted on the show--but knowing this would never happen, we made them as insane as absolutely possible to maybe inspire a response. (Not knowing the ins and outs of television, we had no idea that the letters wouldn't even get them). After a while, we just figured we'd entertain the interns or whoever read the letters--if at all. This is my reasoning, however, upon asking Lisa for her input, the following was sent to me.
There are many of us in the world with a colorful spectrum of thoughts and deeds. There are those who constrain any of their ideas, there are those who act upon these ideas, and then there are the few and eminent who indulge and obsess over the ideas and step into the realm of the gods. To synthesize why we did it, would be to synthesize the Martha Stewart's career, impossible. Never try to understand the sociopathic obsessive compulsive. The ambiguity of your question falls short of reach of a quest for clear comprehension. To trust the untrustworthy, to exist in a reality that is an unreality, to expect the unexpected is why we do exist and why we must forge ahead into the future with open arms and letters to Conan.
Yours truly,
Papa Smurf
(screw you smurfet, I'll never forgive you for sleeping with vanity)
So yes, the main reason would be because we're insane. Hope it helps.
Katie, Lisa and Christine"
To paraphrase the opening lines...Confused? You should be. Frightened? Yes, you should be that, too. At least slightly amused? Then go to the page, which is a strange mix of misspellings of words from "Smurf" to "them" and obscure references that would baffle even Dennis Miller.
Check it out at: http://members.aol.com/IRELAND841/crazy.html
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END OF PART ONE
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CONTENTS (part 2) PLAYBOY INTERVIEW (part 3) by Kevin Cook WEEK IN REVIEW - Feb 2 - 6 END QUOTE FYI
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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW (part 3) by Kevin Cook
Playboy: Now that you're doing so well do you worry about losing your edge?
O'Brien: I fear being a victim of success. It's seductive. You have new choices. "Conan, Sylvester Stallone wants to be on, but we're already booked." My feeling is that I must say no to Stallone. "Sorry, Sly. Bob Denver's on that night.
Playboy: How's your relationship with NBC executives now that the show is a success?
O'Brien: Better. But I have not forgotten the bad old days. Let me tell you about one executive. He's no longer with the company. I had him killed. But in our darker days he came to the set one night after we did a great show. I come off after the show and this guy says, "Wow, that was terrible." He thought the show should look like MTV. "Run into the audience and tell jokes. Run up to a guy, have him shout his name, get everybody cheering."
Playboy: You didn't agree apparently.
O'Brien: Too much of television is energy with no purpose. People going "Whoo!" But that's just empty energy. That's American Gladiators. I often try to lower the energy, especially when school is out and college kids are here. They're huge fans, they're psyched, but we're a quirky comedy show, not MTV Spring Break.
Playboy: Were you thrilled when the Marv Albert sex case hit the news?
O'Brien: Oh man, was I into Marv. I would love to trick you into thinking I'm high-minded, but that story made me think, My God, yes, I'll use this, and this... But it bothered me the way he was publicly vilified. People were getting off on the kinky stuff; they condemned Marv for wearing women's clothing, which isn't a crime.
Playboy: Yet tonight you did a Marv Albert joke. You said Marv had a new job as a mannequin at Victoria's Secret.
O'Brien: You can be uncomfortable with it and still use it. Isn't that what guilt is all about?
Playboy: What comedy bits do you regret doing?
O'Brien: We did one with a character called Randy the Pyloric Sphincter. Now, the point of the joke is that this is not the sphincter that excrement passes through. The pyloric sphincter is at the top of the digestive tract. It basically keeps acid from going up into the oesophagus.
We had a guy in a sphincter costume and a cowboy hat. He says, "Hi kids, I'm Randy the Pyloric Sphincter. No, not that bad sphincter! When food passes through me, it isn't digested yet." He then proceeds to squeeze foods that look like shit whether they're digested or not. Chocolate. Picture a sphincter exuding a huge chocolate bar. We were grossing people out.
Playboy: So why put Randy on the air?
O'Brien: I just loved the fact that he wore a cowboy hat.
Playboy: What sorts of bits do you refuse to do?
O'Brien: Arbitrary humor. "Here's the sketch: Conan jumps into a barrel of wheat germ." I'll ask him what the joke is. "It's crazy, that's all."
Look, I was a comedy writer. I've been through this before. If the joke is that there is no joke, the writer gets no paycheck.
Playboy: Jumping into wheat germ sounds like Letterman.
O'Brien: My show began with me and everyone involved with the show doing all we could to avoid being anything like Letterman. Which is difficult. He invented a lot of the form. He carved out a big territory. He's the Viking who discovered America, and now I have my little piece of northwestern Canada that I'm trying to claim as my own.
Playboy: So how do you avoid being Dave-like?
O'Brien: We have always scrupulously avoided found comedy. You never see me going up and talking to normal Joe on the street. The real word of people, dogs, cabbies -- Letterman is great at that. His genius, I think, is playing with the real world around him. Which is not my forte at all. My idea is more about creating a fake, cartoony world and playing with that.
Playboy: Are you goofy in real life?
O'Brien: My private life is boring. I've been with the same woman, Lynn Kaplan, for four years, and there ain't nothing crazy going on. Lynn is a talent booker on our show. We go to my house in Connecticut on weekends. I sit around playing guitar.
Playboy: Gossip columnists have placed you in Manhattan with other women.
O'Brien: One of them had me with Courteney Cox. Lisa Kudrow and I did improv together years ago and we went out for a while. Maybe that's why I can now be romantically linked to the entire cast of Friends. I may be thrilled with that, but my girlfriend is one of those people who believes everything they read in the tabloids. She's sitting at the table in Connecticut when she opens a tabloid and says, "What the hell?" There's a big photo of me with Courteney Cox. The story says, "Courteney's moving in with Conan."
Playboy: Did Lynn believe it?
O'Brien: No, because the story went on to say, "Conan and Courteney were seen at the Fashion Cafe munching veggie burgers." That sentence ended her faith in tabloids. Lynn knows that I would never (a) go to the Fashion Cafe and (b) eat a veggie burger. I'm an Irish-Catholic kid from Boston; I'll eat red meat until my heart explodes out of my chest.
Playboy: Do you still drive an old Ford Taurus?
O'Brien: When I got my five-year contract I moved up. Bought a Range Rover. Now I drive the Range Rover to Connecticut for the weekend, park it and tool around in the Taurus all weekend. I can't let go of that Taurus. It's an extension of my penis.
Playboy: Can you forget about the show on weekends?
O'Brien: I drive around playing Jerry Reed tapes, fantasizing that I'm some backwoods character. But even then -- you know, it's probably not an accident that people who do these shows tend to be depressive. You want so badly for it to be right every night, but mounting an hour-long show four times a week -- the pace will kill you. One night I put my fist through a tile wall. Another night, I walked off the stage, pulled an air-conditioning unit out of the wall and kicked it. This stuff I can't explain. Nor can I excuse it. But there may be something maddening about these shows. The pace is... I forget shows we did last week. That's why I can't imagine doing this for 30 years. I bet you could show Johnny Carson footage of how he shrieked as his body was lowered into acid and he's say, "Hmm, don't remember that one."
I saw Jerry Seinfeld at the Emmy Awards. He said he liked the show, then he paused and said, "How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Do what you do every night for an hour?"
That shocked me. This is Jerry Seinfeld, the master. A man everyone can agree is funny. And I really have no answer.
Playboy: Praise from Seinfeld must cheer you up.
O'Brien: (Shaking his head) I worry that we have hit our stride and must be headed for a fall. Because every show has an arc. The Honeymooners had an arc. People forget, but The Honeymooners was mean and depressing. Art Carney wasn't fun and cuddly yet. Even successful shows take time to find their rhythm. Then they get self-indulgent and fuck it up. Look at late Happy Days episodes. They quit shooting on location, Mork keeps visiting, and it's an excuse to spin off new shows.
Playboy: Will you fuck it up, too?
O'Brien: Eventually my only consolation may be that I get paid a lot. I'll say, "I know it sucks, but I'm getting $65 million a year!"
Playboy: Letterman said almost exactly that not long ago. When a joke died he admitted it sucked. "But I'm making a fortune!" he said. Do you really worry about losing your edge?
O'Brien: I want a living will for my career. I want the people around me to pull the plug when I become a self-parody, an old blowhard like Alan Brady. Remember him, the television star Rob Petrie worked for on the Dick Van Dyke Show? Pompous, over-the-top, over-the-hill. I don't want to be Alan Brady.
Playboy: Letterman paid you an odd compliment. "When I see that show it withers me with exhaustion," he said.
O'Brien: That's our new slogan. "Watch Late Night -- We'll wither you." But I think Dave was saying that he knows how hard it is to make a show like this every night.
Playboy: Suppose Leno left The Tonight Show. Would you like to duel Dave at 11:30?
O'Brien: Our best slot would be eight A.M.. We have puppets, cartoons, lots of childishness. I think I'm doing an OK late-night show but it's a great kids' show.
Playboy: This from Mr. Hip?
O'Brien: No. When someone says this or that sort of comedy is hip and alternative -- "Yes, these are cool people" -- I hate that. Because at the end of the day, funny is funny. People get fooled about me because I went to Harvard. "He's cerebral." But I love Green Acres. I love how Green Acres bends reality.
Playboy: Sounds cerebral.
O'Brien: It isn't. In one episode Oliver Douglas has to go to Washington, D.C. His wife says, "Darling, take a picture of the Eiffel Tower." He says, "Lisa, the Eiffel Tower ---" Then Eb comes in. "Mr. Douglas, git me an Eiffel Tower postcard!" Now Oliver is terribly frustrated. He keeps sputtering about Washington, D.C., but nobody listens. At the end, he goes to Washington, looks up, and there's the Eiffel Tower. That is the kind of thing that made me love T.V.
Playboy: As a TV-mad college kid you cooked up scams to meet celebs.
O'Brien: I wanted to meet Bill Cosby, so my friends and I offered him some fake award. We took a bowling trophy and called it the Harvard Comedy Award, something like that, and Cosby, thinking it was the Hasty Pudding Award, accepted. So I drive out to meet his private plane. "Over here, Mr. Cosby!" And I chauffeur him in my dad's second hand station wagon. Cosby sits in the backseat, picking old McDonald's wrappers off the floor, and says, "This is about the Hasty Pudding Award?"
"Oh no, nothing like that."
Playboy: You tricked Bill Cosby into letting you drive him around?
O'Brien: I didn't realize that one does not pick up a famous person in a 1976 station wagon. They like to fly first-class, to be picked up in a Town Car and put up in a nice hotel. Fortunately I am not directly involved in celebrity care anymore.
Playboy: Did you bring other comics to Harvard?
O'Brien: Yes. John Candy's people warned me that John was on the Pritikin diet. They gave me strict dietary instructions. John immediately ran into a bakery on Harvard Square to get pastries. He said they were Pritikin eclairs.
Playboy: You once stole a famous television costume.
O'Brien: When Burt Ward visited Harvard there were fliers all over the campus: Burt Ward to Appear With Original Robin Costume (Insured by Lloyd's of London for $500,000). In fact, Burt Ward was said to keep a bunch of them in his car; he'd pass them out to impress girls. Naturally, I wanted to screw with him. A few friends and I attended his speech at the science center. We went dressed as security guards. I said, "Mr. Ward, I've been sent by the dean to safe guard the costume." As if it were the Shroud of Turin. But the guy is humorless. "Yes, very good. That costume is very valuable," he says.
That's when we hit the lights. Which works great in the movies. In the movies the lights go out and suddenly the jewel is gone. In real life, though, what you get is some dimming. You hit the lights and people can see a little less well.
Playboy: Did you grab the costume?
O'Brien: We grabbed it and the chase was on. Some Burt Ward admirers -- young Republicans, I guess -- took off after us yelling, "Stop them!" But we escaped in a waiting car. We proceeded to torment Burt Ward for hours on the phone, saying, "This is the Joker, hee-hee-hee. I've got your costume."
Playboy: How did Burt react?
O'Brien: Robinlike. He said, "Return it or you will feel my wrath!"
Playboy: Burt Ward used to tell reporters he had an IQ of 200.
O'Brien: He may be delusional.
Playboy: Were you always starstruck?
O'Brien: Stars are fascinating. When I was a writer for Saturday Night Live, Robert Wagner did the show. One day he was sitting offstage, talking on the phone. He had on a camel-hair jacket, silk scarf, and of course his perfectly arranged Robert Wagner hair. "Very good, goodbye," he says, and hangs up. Suddenly his hand shoots up and touches the right side of his head, where the phone receiver may have disturbed a few hairs. At that point you know he has done this smooth move every day since 1948.
Playboy: You seem to prefer goofy celebs -- Jack Lord, William Shatner, Robert Stack. There are photos of Stack and Adam West, TV's Batman, here in your office. Do those guys know you are making fun of them?
O'Brien: I'm not. I have a real affection for those men. To me, meeting Andy Griffith is just as interesting as interviewing Allen Ginsberg. I'm interested in Martin Scorsese and Gore Vidal as well as Jaleel White, TV's Urkel.
Playboy: How do Gore Vidal and Urkel compare?
O'Brien: I'd say Jaleel White's prose style is not taken as seriously. But the same is true of Vidal's nerd character.
Playboy: As one of the writers on The Simpsons you helped create some memorable characters.
O'Brien: What I loved about The Simpsons was that it wasn't a cartoon for kids. A cartoon might look like the friendliest thing in the world, but we were subversive. I loved it when we had Lisa write a patriotic essay in school: "Our country has the strongest, best educational system in the world after Canada, Germany, France, Great Britain..." It was this great sugarcoated cutting remark. I loved her for it.
Playboy: Tell us a Simpsons sercret.
O'Brien: When Dan Castellaneta started doing Homer's voice, he was doing Walter Matthau. Like I said, it takes time to find your rhythm.
Playboy: So are you satisfied with your work?
O'Brien: Intellectually, yes. The show works. Advertisers like to buy time on it. Young people really like it. But I was a moody, driven, self-critical person before I got this show, and that hasn't changed. It's just that I now have something even more frightening than a Saturday Night Live sketch or a Bart Simpson joke to worry about. I have an hour of comedy broadcast every night. My anxiety has finally met its match.
Playboy: Will you and Lynn get married?
O'Brien: The core idea of being a comic, particularly a comic with a talk show, is control. Marriage is a leap of faith, a giving up of control. I'm not sure if I can make that leap.
Playboy: What about kids?
O'Brien: What sort of dad would I make? Maybe this job and a normal family life are diametrically opposed. Dave, Jay, Bill Maher, Arsenio -- where are your kids? Jack Paar seemed to have a normal life with a wife and child, but you don't see much of that. And I believe that your kid should be the most important thing in your life. I may not have room, at least not now. I have Pimpbot to think about.
Playboy: Another foul mouthed Late Night character.
O'Brien: Half-robot, half-Seventies street pimp. He's got a feathered hat and a metallic voice: "Gotta run my bitches. Run my ho's. I'll cut you." Right now my life revolves around Pimpbot.
Playboy: You need to settle a fashion question. You, Leno and Letterman seldom wear suits off stage. Leno likes flannel shirts, Letterman prefers jeans and sweatshirts. You wear T-shirts. Why wear a suit and tie on the air?
O'Brien: There are two schools of thought on that. The Steve Martin approach says that you're putting on a show, so dress up for the people. The George Carlin approach says all that old showbiz stuff is over, this is the new way, so wear a T-shirt. I choose a jacket and tie because that's the uniform people expect talk show hosts to wear. If I came out in a mesh T-shirt and chains it might distract people from the comedy.
Playboy: How would you describe your show?
O'Brien: It's a hybrid. If Carson defined the talk show and Letterman was the anti-talk show, where do you go next? That was the question we faced. What we did was make a show that has the visual trappings of the classic Tonight Show -- the desk, the band, the sidekick -- but with everything else perverted. When it works well I'd say my show is one part Carson, one part Charlie Rose and one part Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
Playboy: Do you have any advice for future talk show hosts?
O'Brien: You had better love the job. Some hosts don't. You can see it in their eyes. Chevy Chase's talk show -- he did not want to be there. And if that's in your eyes you're finished, because there's another show tomorrow and next week and the week after that. You can't conquer it. You can do two or three or ten good shows in a row and still want to punch a wall when you slip up.
Playboy: Can you ever conquer your repressed childhood?
O'Brien: It's always there. I still believe in moral absolutes. Murder, for instance, is wrong, unless it helps the show.
Playboy: Still, talk show hosts have perks most guys can only dream of.
O'Brien: It's great to be played over to the desk. You finish your monologue, then the band kicks in as you cross the set. Fortunately, we have a great band. Even when people didn't like anything about the show, they loved the Max Weinberg Seven. The music heightens everything. Now you are more than just a guy in a suit, you're Co-nan O'Bri-en! I think every guy should have that -- if a band played you over to your rental car at the airport, you'd have a cooler day.
Playboy: Is Andy Richter your Ed McMahon?
O'Brien: He's Andy. When we were getting started and the network wasn't sure of me, they kept asking, "Who's that Andy guy?" I think we've answered the question. Part of the show's rhythm is my energy played against the quiet steadiness of Andy.
Playboy: Is that rhythm genuine?
O'Brien: Yes. Our mentalities mesh. I'm always dissatisfied. He's the guy saying, "Hey, relax. It's good enough." My girlfriend would be happy if I had a bit more of that in me.
Playboy: Who is the guest you can't get?
O'Brien: Werner Klemperer. He refuses to revive Colonel Klink, the commandant he played on Hogan's Heroes. Which confuses me. Is he going to come up with another character at this late date -- Werner Klemperer as the aging black man or kung fu fighter? No, he's Colonel Klink.
Playboy: You once said that as a boy you wanted to be like Bob Crane in Hogan's Heroes, the cool guy who "wore a bomber jacket and wised off to Nazis."
O'Brien: I asked Werner Klemperer to do some bits as Colonel Klink. He refused. Then a strange thing happened. We're shooting abit on the West Side when Werner Klemperer comes around the corner. Pulling his parka up to his chin, just like Colonel Klink, he walks past our film crew and says, "Hello, Conan. I must say the show is very good lately. Give my best to Andy. Farewell!" It was a cameo appearance in reality. He was there, he was gone. I wanted to shout, "Hey, Werner Klemperer just did a walk-on in my life."
Playboy: Are you losing the boundaries between your life and your job?
O'Brien: There are no boundaries. At any minute Werner Klemperer may step in here and give me 30 days in the cooler. It's getting surreal. Just this morning I am going through the lobby downstairs when two girls see me. One girl nudges the other, "Look, it's the guy from Conan O'Brien!" I guess she couldn't quite place me, but she knew which show I was on.
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WEEK IN REVIEW - Feb. 2 - 6 1998
MONDAY, Feb. 2 (repeat of 5/03/97):
Actor Luke Perry
Actress Joey Lauren Adams
Comedian Ian Bagg
Polly The Peacock
Conan, Andy, Max and Bobby Bowman do Zepplin
TUESDAY, Feb. 3:
Jerry Springer
Melinda Clark.
Comedian David Brenner
Celebrity Tombstones:
MONICA LEWINSKY:"Lies here because Vernon Jordan told her to."
LEWINSKY II:1974 - 2032 - "Her last words: "MGRMMPH!"
Public Service Announcements
WEDNESDAY, Feb. 4:
Actor John Leguizamo
Ed McMahon
Musical guest Victoria Williams
Songs for Celebs including, Dr. Ruth, Ozzy Osbourne, TV's Urkel and Quentin Tarrantino
Andy Richter's "World of The Unexplained Universe of The Unknown: The curse of Cocoon."
THURSDAY, Feb. 5:
Actor Dan Ackroyd
Supermodel Rebecca Romijn
Guest Shannon Hall becomes the first person ever to be bumped because she's was ARRESTED!
CLUTCH-CARGO: Clinton, Tony Blair, Sam Donaldson, and Bob Dole with his new campaign song and the truth about the Leflinsky/Tripp tapes.
Andy made a few bets before the show.
1.) that Max wouldn't try to play the drums all the way through a segment.
2.) That Bobby Bowman wouldn't come on and dance in a tutu.
3.) That John, the special FX guy wouldn't soak Conan.
4.) And that Liz Plonka the director wouldn't cut to commercial...
FRIDAY, Feb. 6:
Actor John Goodman,
Dkembe Mutombo,
Steve Earle.
Cheer Up! Kenneth Starr
Conan Defends Beef.
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END QUOTE:
"It's wrong to sleep with someone just because they've offered to advance your career. It's degrading, it's demeaning, it can even ruin your life. Of course, if you are actually attracted to the guy, then that's a different story. Come on Jessica... you know you want it." - Max in Public Service Announcements
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FYI
This week I want to thank Mark (for gratuitous praise on AOL), Kerrie Collins, Kristen, Quinn, Katie, Micah Honees (meow), Brooke (for the second part of her story), Laurie, Robin, and Playboy.
Comments and questions to me: LACOB@aol.com
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