CLINTON SCANDAL CONOLOGUE (AND A FEW FAVES)

"Oprah Winfrey says she turned down an interview with Monica Lewinsky because Monica got too greedy. Apparently, the final straw was when Monica demanded an hour alone with Steadman."

"Yesterday, President Clinton pointed out that the last time there was a budget surplus, 'Bonanza' was the top show and a Coke was 15 cents. Then the President went a little too far by saying, 'Playboy' was only 50 cents and a peep show was a nickel.'"

"It was reported today that Linda Tripp has passed a lie detector test where she has denied tampering with the Monica Lewinsky tapes. Afterwards, Tripp said, 'Tampering with secretly recorded conversations between friends would be wrong.'"

"This week Hillary Clinton attended the eighth annual conference for the wives of heads of states. Apparently, it's payback time, because this year's conference was held at Hedonism II."

"Transcripts released today in Washington show that Monica Lewinsky once told Linda Tripp that the whole situation between her and the President 'is too much for one person to deal with.' Which is why President Clinton encouraged her to bring a friend along."

"Earlier today, Hillary Clinton spoke to a group of 1,000 women and said that now is the time for women to make gains in their economic status. Hillary said the easiest way to do that is to settle out of court with her husband."

"Since the Clinton sex scandal erupted, the percentage of people naming their daughters Monica has gone way down. On the other hand, thousands of men have renamed a certain sex act a 'Lewinsky.'"

"Yesterday, President Clinton's four-hour taped videotaped testimony aired on national television. When asked about it, the President said, 'That was the least fun I ever had talking about sex.'''

"Here in New York City, President Clinton's testimony was broadcast on the jumbo TV in Times Square. That is until Mayor Giuliani had it closed down.''

"Monica Lewinsky apparently said that she never wore the infamous blue dress again because Linda Tripp told her it made her look fat. That's mostly because the President ejaculates in horizontal stripes.''

"Yesterday, President Clinton's meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan was scheduled for 10 minutes, and it lasted for two hours. Which is interesting because his meetings with Monica Lewinsky were scheduled for two hours and lasted 10 minutes.''

"According to new polls, 75 percent of Americans disagree with the President's claim that oral sex is not sex. Even more shocking, 50 percent of married people deny that oral sex exists.''

"Yesterday, Sammy Sosa hit homeruns 64 and 65, which means he's once again tied with Mark McGwire. To keep you updated, President Clinton is still tied with Wilt Chamberlain.''

"Monica Lewinsky said recently that President Clinton has a Saturday night personality where he gives in to his urges, and a Sunday morning personality where he feels bad and goes to church. He also has a Wednesday-is-wet-T-shirt-night personality.''

"Yesterday, President Clinton spent the entire day phoning various members of Congress to try and get their support. But first, he had to assure them that the sound in the background really was the vacuum cleaner.''

"This week in Michigan, Al Gore was accidentally introduced at a fundraiser as President Gore. Worse than that, President Clinton was accidentally introduced as Frank Gifford.''

"Yesterday in Paris, film stars from all over the world held a rally in support of President Clinton. Unfortunately for the President, they were all stars of porn films.''