"I laugh in the face of danger, and then I hide until it goes away."

"I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to some country music...The music of pain."

"To read makes our speaking English good"

"But you're going to miss out. I'm planning to be witty. I'm going to make fun of all the people who won't talk to me."

"Yep, You're doomed to have to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they want... and they NEVER chip in for gas."

"Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer...but gosh! We did that last night!"

"I'm not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you now. But don't think I don't have it. Oh yes, it's time will come!"

"On a scale of one to ten? It sucked."

"Whoa, let's stop this crazy whirlygig of fun. I'm dizzy."

"I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, pussycat, kill, kill."

"It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to."

Xander & Friends say:

Cordelia:"That's so cute, planning life as a loser. Most people just turn out that way, but you're really taking charge."
Xander:"The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase everyone. Who incidentally won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker-wear."

Xander:"I kind of had a problem with the math."
Willow:"Which part?"
Xander:"The math."

Xander:"Hello! Excuse me, but have you ever heard of knockin'?"
Jonathan:"We're supposed to get some books...on Stalin."
Xander:"Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?"
Giles:"This is a school library, Xander."
Xander:"Since when?"

Giles:"He's just trying to provoke you, to taunt you, to-to goad you into, uh, some mishap or some other sorts."
Xander:"The nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah approach to battle."
Giles:"Yes, Xander. Once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form."

Xander:"You were looking at my neck."
Angel:"What?"
Xander:"You were checking out my neck, I saw that."
Angel:"No I wasn't."
Xander:"Just keep your distance pal."
Angel:"I wasn't looking at your neck."
Xander:"I told you to eat before we left."

Jack:"What are you, retarded?"
Xander:"No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything."

Xander:"Yeah, great knife. Although, it may technically be a sword."
Jack:"She's called Katie."
Xander:"You gave it a girls' name. How very serial killer of you."

Willow: "I went to like four houses and they were gone. It's like trick or treating in like reverse."
Xander: "I know. These things are selling like hotcakes, which is ironic because the hotcakes really aren't moving. And it's uh, fun to sell chocolate."

Xander:"I'm good. I'm fine. Just a little bit dirty. Good show everyone. I think we have a hit."
Willow:"Are you okay?"
Xander:"Tip top. Really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it."

Anya: "You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millenium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species. And I have nothing but contempt for the whole forbidness lot of them."
Xander: "Then why are you talking to me?"
Anya: "I don't have a date for the prom."
Xander: "Well, gosh. I wonder why not? It couldn't have anything to do with your sales pitch."
Anya: "Men are evil. Will you go with me?"
Xander: "One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which."

Buffy: "You guys are gonna have a prom. The prom that everyone should have. I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it."
Xander: "Yea?"

Cordelia: "I'm trying to buy a dress."
Xander: "But don't you already have all the dresses?"

Oz: "What's that? Pause it."
Xander: "Guys, it's just a normal VCR. It doesn't... Oh wait, it can do pause."

Oz: "Anya, huh? Interesting choice."
Xander: "Choice is kind of a broad term for my situation. It's either Anya, or the sock puppet of love for this boy."
Sock-puppet: "I love you Xander. I'll never leave you."
Willow: "Well, if Anya tries to get you killed, put me down for a big I told you so."
Sock-puppet: "Who's this Anya? Is she prettier than me?"

Xander: "My God in heaven, it's good to see you. How are you both? And details please."
Wesley: "Very well, thank you."
Cordelia: "Yes, thank you."
Xander: "It looks good on you."
Cordelia: "Well, duh."