Deeeeeeep Thooouuuggghhhtts
Steven Wright?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door
complained. So I shot him using a gun with a silencer.
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
If you're a shallow person, when you die, do they bury you in a shallow grave?
If you become a mere shell of your former self, can you hear the ocean all the time?
What do dogs call the hottest days of summer?
Who do fish drink like?
If I had statue of Buddha and I spun it around on the table, would I be turning a prophet or a profit?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only
child. . .eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in
a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in
France who said "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on
the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . ."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave
a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I
keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and
when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She
said, "Okay, forget it."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They
caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like
an idiot.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around
singing "Happy Birthday."
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now
everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop
sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
thanks - I'm not going that far."
I'm a peripheral visionary. I see into the future-just way off to the side.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when anyone threw a gun at him?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn't the best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Why is it that the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese?
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers
in a case ... Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Energizer Bunny arrested charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, go to many exotic places, meet interesting people, then kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Seinfeldisms...
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
FACTS OF LIFE
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three of
your friends. If they're OK, you're it.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Save the whales; Collect the whole set.
Why do they call it internal bleeding? If it’s internal, you’re not really bleeding.
They say that you shouldn’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes, so take his shoes, walk a mile with them, and then you’re a mile away and you still have his shoes!
Why do they sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when you’re already there?
If the visiting team hits it, why is it still called a “home” run?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Recognize the inconsequential, then ignore it.
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
Do fish get thirsty?
If all is not lost, where is it?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
