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My life and its contents

Thursday 7/1 -99

Today school starded again. I havenīt been looking forward to this day that much but soon itīll be over. Tomorrow itīs friday and fridays are mostly nice, at least they make monday become a weekend away..

This week I moved to a room closer to town, itīs small and the fridge makes a lot of noises, but at least itīs mine. Schools ending is about 6 months away and Iīm counting the days like a prisoner in a prison cell.

At least Iīm going to drink thé with Jens tomorrow. Heīs one of the few guys I know who doesnīt use his dick for thinking with, and thatīs kinda nice for a change.


Wednesday 20/1 -99

Today we had athletics before lunch at school.
Exhausted as I was after 5 minutes of watching my class run around I went home. Finally at home I found a empty fridge which didnīt really fitted my empty stomach.

Right now Iīm at my parents place but Iīm on my way to Veronika, promised to look after her son while sheīs at the church (liquard store).
The sun has been shining for three days now and school has been desently boring this week. No need to feel depressed, but I will just because Iīve started to get used to it (canīt help it in the winter)


Sunday 24/1 -99

Just another lazy sunday. Eva is gonna sing in the chursh today but Iīm afraid my homeworks wonīt forgive me if I leave them behind today too..
Friday night I was out with Eva and Hanna. We had to put Eva in a cab pretty early though..
School isnīt doing bad at the moment, it is just not doing at all.. Time is moving really slow and since I canīt make it move quicker I can only wait.


Sunday 31/1 -99

Sunday again. Iīm gonna pay Malins rats, cat, dogs, horse, rabbits and polecat a visit today.
I talked to Malin for the first time in quite a while yesterday. Iīm going to Norway on feb the 16:th to both visit her and Maja and Ida and also(probably)work a little.

On tuesday Iréne and Hanna are going to take a look at a apartment in Torvalla (a little society outside of Östersund..) if we like it weīll move in and be room mates.
Torvalla is a little bit to far away from town and there lives too many families..
but Hanna has a car and I have a buscard so weīll get along I think.
Now Iīm gonna take my little dog out for a walk (and maybe let him persecute my sisters rabbits a little..)


Thursday 10/2 -99

I found a little apartment thatīs near both town and Hannas apartment so weīll be neighbours instead.
Yesterday I was cleaning up in there (havenīt moved in yet). I found out that the smell came from the fridge, or to be exact, from the mold that was growing in the fridge..
The mold and the toilet, which seemed to have fur growing in it, made even my ex boyfriends apartment look like a nice place to live in.
But now itīs clean everywhere (except the roof) so Iīm gonna move in on saturday.


Tuesday 23/2 -99

Now I live at home again..
It smelled a little too much of mold in my apartment,
so my career as a indepentant young woman ended after only three days..

At the moment Iīm suffering from a bad cold but my dog doesnīt care, he wants to be
scratched anyways.
Not that much is happening so I think Iīll take a warm bath or something.


Monday 1/3 -99

No matter what that happens in the world, one can always be certain that every monday that comes will be worse than the last.
The only thing that made this monday at my work (as a trainee on a local café) shine was that my friends mother had been making out with a 17 year younger guy last saturday and now she spended the day hiding in the dishroom (which saved me a lot of work).

I was in Norway for a week working too. I had a serious cold and couldnīt really enjoy it as much as I wanted to.
Oh, and yesterday Veronika (The Queen of sun tanning) made me spend 30 minutes in a grill for people..
I forgot my skin was so sensitive and now I look quite RIDICULOUS!
She wonīt succeed with having me doing something like that again, I can tell..


Monday 15/3 -99

At writing moment Im at school. I havent been here for weeks so right now Im enjoying it.
Last week I did nothing but work so as of now Im kinda tired :/
Iīm not sure of what to write really. I feel a lack of imagination and nothing interesting has happened anyways.
I only have one lesson left for today and then Im gonna head into town and see if I can find "God Larsson".
And here comes my classmates, better go.


Saturday 27/3 -99

Iīve now been ill for about a week. All this illness is getting on my nervs so I decided to ignore it today.
Hanna and I went out for a ride on our snowmobiles and took a look around. The weather has been shiny but driving on (through) the ice turned out to be wet.

This evening my parents are going on a "nostalgy party" at a danceplace near by.
My mother went to a hairdresser to get a nice look and came out with a "60īies look".
Her hair is "fluffy" the way they used to have it back then.

Still ill as I am Iīm not sure of what to do. I canīt eat since I get cramps in my tummy for some reason. So the fridge is out of the question..
Perhaps Iīll go to Lit and cuddle with Malins rats and read some "Larsson" magazines.


Monday 5/4 -99

This is the fifth day on my vacation.
My family are going to Ånn to fish and cruise around on snowmobiles and do whatever it is that families do on vacations.
Iréne myself is gonna be on my own at home, hopefully studying. I have no intentions whatsoever to spend another year in school and this is my last chance to correct my mistakes.

If our mothers doesnīt stop us I and Linda should be in Sundsvall next weekend to visit Sverker.
We planned to drink a little but after the last weeks humiliating experiences of alcohol (how could I behave so silly, stupid and idiotic?)
Iīve decided to stay sober for a while.

At least spring has returned with everything it brings.
Everyone seems to be filled with expectations and smiles.
Pär Larsson hasnīt changed his mind (yet) about being my cavalier at the spring prom.
I think he planned on having a pink suit (a "John Travolta" like one)
I havenīt sewn my dress yet but I still have time. Iīve never been to a prom before so I canīt help but being a little excited about it.

Malin and Maja are going back to Norway today after a few days in Sweden.
If I can get a summerjob in Norway this year too Iīll hopefully be able to spend more time with them (and Ida) than I can now.
Iīve worked every year since I turned fourteen so this year Iīd just like to visit festivals and do all the things I havenīt had the time to do when I was working.
But no work means no money and I have to survive I guess. I just hope I can get a few days off a little now and then if Iīm lucky to get a job.


Wednesday 14/4 -99

This is my last day as a 18-year old. Tomorrow Iīll turn 19.
I had almost forgotten about my birthday, I guess itīs not as exciting to turn old nowadays as it used to be..
19 isnīt really that bad compared to 20. I wonder if one has to turn into an adult now or if I can wait a little longer.

Last weekend I and Linda visited Sverker in Sundsvall. We where generously invited to sleep on his office floor and eat at the local pizza palace.
He hadnīt told us about his sad kitchen but we didnīt mind.
Living a "bohemo life" for 2 days was nothing but a good experience.
People are too spoiled with comfort.
Anyway, it was nice to get away from home for a little while and see some new faces.

There are now 7 weeks and 4 days left of school. Itīs so close I can almost touch it.
Itīs sad that spring fooled us again. I think we have about 15 centimetres with snow outside.


Friday 23/4 -99

Now Iīm one year older, I donīt feel wiser or more adult though.
I borrowed some eighties reckords from my friend Eva yesterday. Itīs a shame I was too young back then to be able to remember the music now.
Today it is 6 weeks and 2 days to graduation. I still have a lot of schoolwork left to do, but you can imagine how easy it is when for example this weeks project is about "The meaning of life".
Iīll send my teacher the monthy python video about the subject and hope for the best.

Tonight I, Hanna and Eva planned girls evening on a local pub somewhere downtown.
You canīt even make yourself understood on the discos because of the
loud music so weīre just gonna go somewhere where you can talk and drink cheap beer.

Lately Iīve been sewing that damn prom dress too but I think Iīll call my cavalier and tell him to go with someone who looks less like a cow in a white prom dress.
That damn thing didnīt exactly turn out to look like I had planned, but nothing ever does, does it?
Besides, it costs a fortune to go to a prom and I canīt dance. Iīd rather play beer-baseball instead.


Saturday 24/4 -99

The saying "You donīt know what youīve got until itīs gone" became a sad truth today.
I realised something was wrong with Timmy when I came home last night and today when dad brought him to the vet they discovered water in his lungs.
His heart wasnīt of the best condition either so they decided to take him down.
His lungs contained half a decilitre of water and death ended his suffering, my has only begun.

Even though he was such a little dog he took a great place in the family, being the peronality he was.
I havenīt become used with the thought of him being dead and gone. I canīt.
Only sitting here writing reminds me of how he mostly used to lie on the floor beside me, waiting for me to take myself the time to play with him. I regret I didnīt took the chance to be with him more often while I had the chance.
He was faithful to me to the day he died but what did I do for him?
I could have taken him with me more often when I was doing errands īcause he loved to stick his head out of the window when I was driving. His ears and tounge fluttered in the wind and made one worried heīd might fly away.
I could have taken myself the time to play with him more often instead of letting him lie bored on the floor or in his cage all day long.

He made me happy 24 hours a day (except for when he pissed on the sofa to get attention), but did I do the same thing for him? Did he die thinking he had had a nice life or had his life
contained a lot of lonlieness because we didnīt have much time to spend with him?
Now when itīs too late Iīm taking myself the time to scratch him, but he canīt feel it anymore so it doesnīt matter.
He doesnīt lift his head to look at me and his tail is as calm and still as the rest of him.
He does not look like heīs asleep at all, itīs like heīs not there and that the body is now only a empty shield.
I miss him so much I canīt find the words to describe it. Heīs been around for nine years and now he wonīt be around anymore. Itīs as if a piece in my life is missing, and it is.
He was my companion for nine years and now Iīm alone. I hope heīs happy wherever he might be.


Thursday 29/4 -99

My fingers are ice cold but Iīll try and write something anyway.

The toothpaste accident..
Last night I put toothpaste on the growing, giant pimple I had on my forehead.
When I woke up this morning the toothpaste had corroded on my skin. I donīt have a pimple anymore, I have a plaster instead.
Is it really wise to use that kind of toothpaste on ones teeth?


As I was cruising through the net today I started to think of all the things Iīd like to do but is planning on doing in the future.
Why not do them now and stop planning ahead? What if there is no future waiting for me?
Perhaps Iīd appreciate life even more if I was about to loose it.
Everyone knows theyīre gonna die but noone knows exactly when.


Tuesday 4/5 -99

My celebrating of "Valborg" ended in a house arrest. 19 years old as I am!
The thing was that we found ourselves lost in the outback (Bräcke) and we couldnīt get home.
The only sober person I knew was my mother so she came and picked us up when the time was about 1.15. When we finally got to town she dropped my friends off and brought me back home.
What could I say? Sheīs still in charge :/ I donīt mind that much though. I love her whatever.

Other than that sad story Iīm growing a cold again. Iīm also growing a lot of homeworks.
Life can be SUCH a misery sometimes.


Thursday 6/5 -99

I refuse to write anything today. I really donīt feel like it *shakes head*
There are a lot of things Iīd like to tell you about.
The classparty last night, my wonderful classmates, my new boots, my life..
It really feels like it doesnīt matter. It doesnīt matter at all.


Sunday 16/5 -99

I believe Iīll go and listen to Linna whoīs gonna speak at the local old courthouse today.
She writes a feministic fanzine wich Iīve subscribed for a while. Sheīs very talented and smart and it will be interesting to hear what sheīs got to say.

At the moment Iīm looking for a car on my own. I havenīt found anyone thatīs decent enough yet.
I want a volvo (thatīs not rosty or a family car) thatīs safe to drive and not too ugly or too hansom.

Schoolīs out in three weeks. I finally finished my promdress. I didnīt turn out to be perfect but niether am I.


Sunday 23/5 -99

And now itīs only two weeks left until school is over. Strange that the day Iīve longed for during so many years in the end scares me a little.
Anyway, the school prom turned out to be a night to remember.
After being food poisoned I canīt imagine we (Pär and I) would forget it *S*.
I think it was the foreign strawberries that did it.

My feet canīt help but ache a little after the prom thanks to my boots. They are my pride but to be honest theyīre a tragedy to walk in..
It was nice to see everyone so well dressed and fancy just for a night. Itīs nice to do something special once in a while.
I figure I perhaps can use the prom dress on my graduation if I cut it short.
I probably wonīt have any use of it in the future when all this is over.


Thursday 10/6 -99

About a week after graduating school.
I guess I embarassed myself a lot last friday but luckily I was to drunk to be able to remember.
I bought a car some days ago that seems to cost me a fortune in gasoline.
Next week weīre going to a festival down south.
Weīre gonna use my car so I guess itīll take about 10 hours to get there.
I havenīt been to a bigger festival before so I feel a little too old for being this excited.

I guess I wonīt be writing much this summer. Working in Norway for 8 weeks will take most of my time.
Everyone asks me of what to do now thatīs schoolīs out and strange enough Iīm the only one who canīt tell. I have absolutely no idea.


Tuesday 22/6 -99

Yesterday I returned from the Hultsfred festival. Itīs been nice but I havenīt had the time
to analyse the whole thing because Iīve been sleeping ītil now.

I listened a little to Hole but when Courtney Love flipped out I left.
I also heard that Marilyn Manson wanted to throw out puppies in the audience so today Iīm gonna
start a little symbolic fire burning anything and everything I have on casettes with the moran.

Leaving for Norway on Thursday. Hopefully Iīll have a chance to come home during the big lake festival.
So.. Bye for now.


Sunday 12/9 -99

Shit my god. Itīs been an eternity and a little more since the last time I wrote something here.
I returned from Norway two weeks ago and have been unemployed ever since.
Iīm starting school on monday. I couldnīt find anything better to do for this winter.
We have a lack of jobs up here and Iīd like to spend the next summer doing anything but working.

This past summer was kinda hectic. I loved the trip we did to the Hultsfred festival.
Never experienced anything like it.
Working in Norway was boring as hell though. Röros is so damn small and it seems impossible to be anonymous there.

Iīm a little tired as of today. I cleaned my room last night and had to make decicions weather to throw or keep little things of memories.

I better keep on cleaning or Iīll never finish that room clenaning.
I guess Iīll be around a lot more now that Iīm in Sweden again.

Iīve missed you all.


Friday 15/10 -99

Iīm sorry I havenīt written anything even though Iīve had the time.
I havenīt really been motivated to write since thereīs nothing to write about.
Iīm unemployed and almost totally out of money. Iīve looked for jobs but Iīve been
rejected everywhere.

Iīm spending my days sewing or reading. Today I should tidy my room but since I know I have
all the time in the world left to do that I guess it can wait.


Monday 25/10 -99

Iīm just writing to say that Iīm going to Wales in UK where Iīm gonna work as a motherīs help.
Iīll probably be gone for about 6 months.
See you when I return ;)


Sunday 19/12 -99

And now Iīm back. I wanted to spend x-mas at home and Iīm ill anyway.
London was a nice place but even though it contained so many people it was kind
of lonely, being there alone.
Anyway, Iīve been travelling all day so I guess I better go to bed. Iīll be around.