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September 30, 1999

I drank too much on the weekend and did things I shouldnít have done. I was passed out in a friendís car at the end of the night. Most of the night was a blur. I did vaguely remember having sex with this guy I know. I just met him at school recently. He has been calling and stopping by every day since then. What am I doing? At least he used a condom. Still, I have a boyfriend. Itís a long distance relationship and I visit him on weekends or he visits me. I feel so out of control. This is so unlike me. I had a session with my therapist on Tuesday. I told her everything. She was pretty bugged out. She said that drinking with my medication isnít a good thing. Yeah, I did know that. She even spoke of hospitalization. No way. She says that Iím self-destructive. Who didnít know that? Iím afraid, afraid of slipping into psychosis. Most days, things seem all fuzzy, like Iím in a dream. Iím drifting from reality. My family would freak if my psychiatrist forced me into the loony bin again. Am I really going to self-destruct?


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