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October 15, 1999

A friend of mine attempted suicide last week. He seemed okay. I never would have imagined that heíd do that. I had gone away for the weekend and returned home to him calling me from the hospital. I visited him on the psych ward the other day. When the door locked behind me I got kind of freaked out. Almost felt like I couldnít leave Ė trapped. Itís been a while since Iíve been in the hospital. He came home the other day, feeling weird to be on the outside again. He might be prescribed anti-depressants. We drink together, so now I have to make sure he doesnít drink too much with the meds. Just call me the babysitter.

Iím completely off the Ativan now. It was a tough ride, withdrawal sucks. Iíve been having these crazy nightmares that snakes are attacking me. I wake up screaming. When I take sleeping pills itís not as bad. So, now instead of 1, I take 3. They are prescribed from my doctor, but here I am as usual pushing things too far. Will I end up taking 8 every night, like I was with the Ativan? I wonder how many is too much before I lapse into a coma or something? Anyone know?


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