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July 25, 1999

The eating disorder crap is filling my head again. Food just freaks me out. I'm scared to eat. I'm pissed off. Why do you get stretch marks when you lose weight? Ugly, ugly, ugly. I've been working out till I almost pass out. Why do I do everything obsessively? Can anyone relate? Supposedly the meds I take are supposed to help the eating disorder. Not now, they're not. I took extra Xanax last night and slept till 3:30pm. I felt that I needed to do that.

I don't want anyone to be close to me, to touch me. My boyfriend reaches for me and I freak out, thinking that he sees the imperfections that I see. They seem so real, but my doc says that only I see the defects. Another diagnosis: Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Here's a link on the disorder:
Body Dysmorphic Disorder: a Common But Underdiagnosed Clinical Entity

Anyway, there's a new section on 'Psycho Much?' on suicide. It might be helpful for anyone who is or has ever felt suicidal.

My goal right now is to stay out of the psycho hospital for as long as I can. I don't want to go back - ever - but my doc makes me sometimes. Psychiatrists have so much power - it's scary.


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