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July 24, 1999

I wore my Kurt Cobain t-shirt to my appointment with my psych doc yesterday. He asked me if it meant anything. Oh yeah - it's a cry for help. I think doctors read too much into things sometimes.

I was thinking about the last time I was in the psych hopsital (mental ward). I was talking on the phone and started to cry. The nurse ran up to me and told me I needed to take an Ativan to calm down. I informed her that I didn't need it - that I wasn't freaking out or anything. She said that if I didn't take it she'd inject me instead. Whatever happened to "crying is a good way to release your emotions"?

I'm a pill hoarder. I have all kinds of sedatives, sleeping pills, and psychiatric meds stashed away. It's like a back up plan. If things really get so bad and I need an escape I'll swallow them all. This isn't something I tell my doctor because I'd rather not spend the rest of the summer on the psych ward. I used to keep a bottle of vodka under my bed. I liked knowing it was there in case I woke up and needed a drink.


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