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July 22, 1999

Can you even believe that my doctor would recommend shock therapy? Well, he said to keep it in mind - that it's always an option if I keep feeling like killing myself. Hmmm....I think I'd rather die than let them screw around with my brain. I mean - my brain is probably already screwed - but by my own hand. I might wake up and not rememeber anything - there's always a chance of that happening with ECT. I've known people who've had it done and these people don't seem better off than before the treatments. Also - they forget lots of things. I've been taking this med called Zyprexa (an anti-psychotic). Am I psychotic? Not sure. My doc says that it works well with the antidepressant(Celexa) - gives it a boost.

Not on Lithium anymore - didn't do much. I feel the need to place myself with psychotic people.

I miss Chris. Sure - I left him - but I miss that craziness we had together. Making out in the chapel at the psych. hospital. Getting people angry by messing with their feelings. I threw out my old address book - so I don't even have his number. My therapist doesn't want us together anyway - says that it's a dangerous combo. Oh well...

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