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January 15, 2000 (1:00am)

“Lately I can’t breathe
Waiting they’re chasing me
No one listens but I’m ok with it
Only I wonder why
If only my hands weren’t tied
The world’s a blister
But I’m ok with it”

So last night ended with another binge, followed by a forced vomiting bout and a few laxatives. The day was full of Dexatrim and Diet Dr. Pepper. I ate dinner with my family for the first time in months. They ordered Chinese Food. I sat there eating and I could see everyone’s eyes on me. I was given the lecture about how I should eat dinner with them every night – even if I want to eat something different. Can’t they see that I’m afraid of the food they’re eating – of food in general – and that watching them consume all that fat makes me want to scream at them and then vomit all over the table? Guess not. After I ate, I cleared the table then casually walked to the bathroom and stuck 2 fingers down my throat to get rid of the grease and fat. Why do tears automatically spring from my eyes as I vomit? I’m glad to be rid of the food. After washing my hands and face and drying my eyes I went to the kitchen to get a glass Diet Dr. P to wash away the sourness remaining in my throat. I overheard my Step-Dad in the other room telling my Mom that he heard me throwing up. I did have the fan on, but I guess I wasn’t retching quietly enough. I looked in and saw the sickened looks on their faces. Now do you see why I don’t eat around them?

Escaped for a while tonight. Got wasted then went for a ride on the back of a friend’s snow mobile. We both yelled and screamed and he was wasted too and I almost fell off the back. It was below 0 and here I was in just jeans, a hooded sweatshirt and sneakers. He was going 80 mph – what a rush! So when I got home instead of my usual “you look dead” paleness, my whole body was bright red.

No food for the rest of the night. My stomach and throat are burning. So no binge tonight – yay! But maybe I’ll take the laxatives before bed anyway. There could be some left over food in my system still. All my clothes are so baggy that they practically fall off of me. I’ll have to take some of the money I got for X-Mas and buy some new clothes. But then people might see my body better and scream. I haven’t lost enough weight yet. I don’t want people to make fun of me. I’m rambling...sorry.


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