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January 14, 1999

ďMy gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I canít be my own
Iíd feel better deadĒ

Last night I had my first binge. I ate one of those Celeste pizzas for one. Then I threw up and took three laxatives. Let me tell you, was I feeling ill the next day. Iím sure the whole in my stomach is getting larger. That ulcer will never go away and my doctor fears itíll start to bleed.

So, anyway, my therapist & psychiatrist want to meet with my mom and me next Friday to discuss my ďfuture treatment plansĒ. Iím guessing theyíll try to send me away. Now my therapist says that an inpatient eating disorder unit would be what I need. No way! They force you to eat 3 times a day at places like that. And if you donít eat them you get no privileges. They even watch you after you eat to make sure you donít throw up! I couldnít stand a place like that. Iíd rather die. In a place like that youíre like a baby Ė canít do anything for yourself, they wonít let you. Iím going to do my best to keep out of a hospital. If next Friday I am forced then I will have Colleen let you know via my journal or the discussion board.

Iíd like people to respond to my journal on the discussion board. Iíd like to know what people think. Feedback, feelings it brings up, images, etc.? Thanks, Iíd appreciate it.


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