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December 16, 1999

ďDay is here fading
Thatís when I would say
I flirt with suicide
Sometimes kill the pain
I canít always say Ďitís gonna be better tomorrowí
Falling away from me
Falling away from meĒ

I had the strangest dream last night: My friend Michelle and I were arguing over how many calories were in a can of green beans. We were actually hitting each other. I had blood coming out of the side of my mouth. Then she ran out all mad, so I threw the can of green beans at the door.

Scary. She also suffers from an eating disorder. This is getting so out of control for me. I can see it, but I canít stop it. Iíve lowered my daily caloric intake to under 500. I lost another 10 pounds! I was so excited. Everyone keeps yelling at me to stop losing weight. I just want to lose another 10 or 15 lbs. They say Iíll be a skeleton then. But what do they know?

I broke up with my boyfriend. I started to cringe every time he touched me. I was convinced that he was making fun of my body. No one believes thatís true. Plus he was suffocating me. I just want to have fun and not be serious with anyone. Heís pretty upset and still calls me every night, but I just canít pretend to want him anymore.

My doctor decided to put me on Depakote. Does anyone have experiences with this med? Iím a little nervous, but it might helps my ridiculous highs and lows. I start taking it tomorrow. Iíll let you know if it helps at all. I just want to get high to escape from reality. I havenít drank in a while, but I have these cravings. Iím just afraid that Iíll do something stupid again when Iím wasted. I canít even imagine how out of control Iíll be on New Yearís Eve. Weíre supposed to do the Times Square thing, after getting wasted of course.

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated...


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