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April 27, 1999

I know it's been a while. Nothing seems real anymore. When I'm asleep and dreaming I think it's real and I'm awake. Last night I had a dream that I was eating chocolate. I kept saying that I needed to puke right away before it digested. When I woke up I thought that I had really eaten the chocolate, so I ran upstairs to puke. Nothing came up - so I knew it was just a dream.

When I'm awake I'm in a daze. Things move slowly - as it seems I'm watching everything through a camera lens. Objects appear then fade away. Everyone fades away. I'm told it's the lack of nutrition - yet again. I drink 2 mugs of tea to wake up every day. Then I take 2 Valium to help me sleep at night. I think people talk about me - plot to send me away. I can see it in their eyes sometimes. I don't want to go there again....

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