15) Life-saving dinghy doubles as a banana split boat.

14) "Dinner with the Captain" means you wear your Sunday best to eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

13) Shipboard entertainment choice: Shipboard entertainment choice: Wayland Flowers & Madam or Vickie Lawrence Unplugged.

12) The all-you-can-eat buffet is a bowl of Chex mix and a carton of red wine with a straw stuck in it.

11) Their version of "Baked Alaska" consists of a flaming quart of crude oil.

10) At every exotic port of call, the same native custom: Washing the otters and toweling off the rocks.

9) You begin to suspect something when the ship accelerates from "battle speed" to "ramming speed."

8 Other ships' entree: Pheasant under glass. Your ship's entree: Pigeon in a Ziplock bag.

7) Ship's gymnasium? No weights. No Stairmasters. 500 rowing machines.

6) The "poop deck" got it's name for a very legitimate reason.

5) "Your attention please: Fresh Mexican strawberries are now being served on the Prominade deck."

4) "Ice sculpture" on the buffet table is in the shape of an Igloo cooler.

3) The urinal in your bathroom is actually a small window overlooking the pool.

2) Kathy Lee says you have to finish 100 sweatshirts before you get shore leave.

1) "Welcome aboard the Valdez. I'm Captain Hazelwood."